22 days & so what, it won't bring her back, or will it?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
I'm stopping by very quickly.......just back from a run, and need to hit the road.
If you are at all like me, it's hard to listen, especially when someone is bringing up the past, and it's mostly negative.
Listen...listen...and then listen.........just shake your head in agreement. Comments like "I can only imagine how you must feel....." are in order.
There is nothing you can do about how she feels. If you are compassionate and understanding about HER feelings, she will eventually notice. Look to stop talking about you, what you are doing, and how you feel. She already knows. Back off.
If it were me, I would not talk about starting over, or any other words which may make her feel pressured.
Work on you, get involved in a program sooner rather than later. Bet she will take notice if you get involved........but suggest you don't talk about what you are doing, but let those around you take notice.
Attraction rather than promotion!
Tom
If you are at all like me, it's hard to listen, especially when someone is bringing up the past, and it's mostly negative.
Listen...listen...and then listen.........just shake your head in agreement. Comments like "I can only imagine how you must feel....." are in order.
There is nothing you can do about how she feels. If you are compassionate and understanding about HER feelings, she will eventually notice. Look to stop talking about you, what you are doing, and how you feel. She already knows. Back off.
If it were me, I would not talk about starting over, or any other words which may make her feel pressured.
Work on you, get involved in a program sooner rather than later. Bet she will take notice if you get involved........but suggest you don't talk about what you are doing, but let those around you take notice.
Attraction rather than promotion!
Tom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Wow,..........
It almost sounds like you arent even focused on your sobriety at ALL!!! All you keep rambling on about is "How can I get her back??" You dont sound like you are getting sober for you. It sounds like you are doing it for HER. In which case, it wont last. God lord man,....pull yourself together and be good to YOU. Get your life back on track by getting a program, a sponsor,.....get some good sobriety time under your belt. People notice a change when you are being an asset to you, first and foremost. Then and only then does it NOT seem like bullsh*t. Sorry, but that is just the way I am reading into this.
It almost sounds like you arent even focused on your sobriety at ALL!!! All you keep rambling on about is "How can I get her back??" You dont sound like you are getting sober for you. It sounds like you are doing it for HER. In which case, it wont last. God lord man,....pull yourself together and be good to YOU. Get your life back on track by getting a program, a sponsor,.....get some good sobriety time under your belt. People notice a change when you are being an asset to you, first and foremost. Then and only then does it NOT seem like bullsh*t. Sorry, but that is just the way I am reading into this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On the beach
Posts: 163
Earlybird, i am concentrating on my sobriety, but i also am not going to let my relationship fall apart! I can't help but feel guilt & hurt over my drink problem!, it is something i do intend to try toput right, is it impossible to think of both?
Tom (if ok to call you that) I shall think a lot of her feelings, i think my drink problem has made me selfish in the past & i was always asking her to put herself in my shoes, when i didn't hers! I am not going to speak of stuff that will pressure her, we've had good times since & 1 time when my emotions overtook myself & i ended up pushing, i've got a "don't push" poster on my wall! I've talked to her about "seeing therapists" before, i see a councellor on Wednesdays a cpn on Fridays & she says that all this is unnecessary, all you need is positive thought! Even medication i take for anxiety isn't needed she thinks! What is it about me that has turned me in to having an alcohol problem, like i've never been ill-treated, abused etc, i've had a good family upbringing, so i don't know what she'l think about a programme, but as you say! It's for me & Wednesday i'll do AA.
Thanks
Gary
Tom (if ok to call you that) I shall think a lot of her feelings, i think my drink problem has made me selfish in the past & i was always asking her to put herself in my shoes, when i didn't hers! I am not going to speak of stuff that will pressure her, we've had good times since & 1 time when my emotions overtook myself & i ended up pushing, i've got a "don't push" poster on my wall! I've talked to her about "seeing therapists" before, i see a councellor on Wednesdays a cpn on Fridays & she says that all this is unnecessary, all you need is positive thought! Even medication i take for anxiety isn't needed she thinks! What is it about me that has turned me in to having an alcohol problem, like i've never been ill-treated, abused etc, i've had a good family upbringing, so i don't know what she'l think about a programme, but as you say! It's for me & Wednesday i'll do AA.
Thanks
Gary
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
You need to be concentrating on you and YOU ONLY right now. You are no good to anyone if you dont sober up. Not just stop drinking,....but SOBER up. That means changing everything about the way you think. That kind of change doesnt happen overnight. Believe me,....after you change the way you think,...you may not even WANT this girl back. You sound obsessed,...not in love. Im sure you FEEL like you are in love. Thats the funny thing about obsession. It masks itself as love so its obvious to everyone BUT the person its overtaking. You will NOT be able to be successful if you dont drop this relationship for just the time being, and focus 100% on your sobriety. But Im sure you think that YOU'RE different. That I dont know you so how could I know how you feel? I know because you arent different than any other alcky in love. It hurts. I had to drop "trying" to get my girlfriend back because I kept relapsing. Couldnt stay sober to save my life. Once I stopped worrying about HER,....well wouldnt ya know it?.....I stayed sober and have been for over a year and a half. Go figure.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Gary, I will respond to you later, suggest you not take anything earlybird says too personally.........he has good points.
Stand back and take a good hard s l o w look. At you. It takes time. I have been thru this as well. Yes, it hurts.
Stand back and take a good hard s l o w look. At you. It takes time. I have been thru this as well. Yes, it hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Gary, Wonder, as much as you care for the g/f, it seems she has lots of opinions for you.
"she says that all this is unnecessary"
"medication i take for anxiety isn't needed she thinks"
Gary, perhaps it's fair to say YOU probably don't know what's best for you at this point!
I KNOW I didn't early in sobriety, and still don't most of the time. I continue to turn to my Higher Power, sponsor, and numerous other sober men in AA to seek out their advice.
I must, since my best thinking got me here!
If ya' keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you have been getting!
SO, what's the latest?
Tom
"she says that all this is unnecessary"
"medication i take for anxiety isn't needed she thinks"
Gary, perhaps it's fair to say YOU probably don't know what's best for you at this point!
I KNOW I didn't early in sobriety, and still don't most of the time. I continue to turn to my Higher Power, sponsor, and numerous other sober men in AA to seek out their advice.
I must, since my best thinking got me here!
If ya' keep on doing what you have been doing, you will keep getting what you have been getting!
SO, what's the latest?
Tom
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Also,....by you thinking that you could have possibly gone through ANY changes in 36 days of sobriety, coupled with you thinking that your g/f should have noticed a change in you in only this short amount of time, makes me believe that you arent taking your drinking problem very seriously. Its not "fixed" as easily as replacing a lightbulb thats burned out. It takes devotion, perseverance, FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS, and deserves to be taken DEADLY SERIOUS,.....oh,...and also focus. Anyone who is REALLY taking their drinking problem and A.A. seriously, wouldnt be focused on this "g/f" as you are. This is going to harm you in the short,...AND long run. She has you by the short and curlies. Take your life back. May I ask how old you are?
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
If you read back, believe you will find I have suggested this to Gary.
My experience had been when people first get sober, they have a difficult time seeing many of these things clearly, I know I did!
My experience had been when people first get sober, they have a difficult time seeing many of these things clearly, I know I did!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: No. Andover, MA
Posts: 6
Don't give up!!
Congrats and welcome.
All hope is not lost. I went through a similar situation. The last 6 months of my relationship my BF was seeing someone else pretty seriously. So seriously in fact that she thinks he was cheating on her with me, not the other way around. It was my own fault because I was pretty bad. Our relationship was DEAD!! ( I was basically dead. Who wants to be with someone like that)
Anyway, when we did split up, it was the most difficult time for me. I went on a 2 week drinking binge, stayed sober for about 2 months, and then started drinking again. It was rough. I did manage to quit again and have almost acquired another 4 months. I did it this time FOR ME!!
In that time, I am learning to live my life sober. Things have changed, I have changed. I do things differently now. My life is getting better. But these changes mean so much to me because I am doing them for myself and myself ONLY!!
In the time that I was learning to live my life again, my X saw changes in me. We hadn't spoken for several months, when we got in contact again and started talking. We talked on the phone for about 6 weeks before finally reuniting. He saw true and positive changes in me and we decided to see if our love is still there.
We have been back together now for 3 months and things are going great!!! I couldn't be happier, but if it doesn't work out, I am a much stronger person and I will be fine. I am also still sober and loving it!! FOR ME!! I WANT TO LIVE!!
Getting back with my BF is just another example of how life changes and improves as long as I remain sober. I am amazed at how much my self esteem has improved and how much stronger spiritually I have become. I welcome life now.
Good luck
All hope is not lost. I went through a similar situation. The last 6 months of my relationship my BF was seeing someone else pretty seriously. So seriously in fact that she thinks he was cheating on her with me, not the other way around. It was my own fault because I was pretty bad. Our relationship was DEAD!! ( I was basically dead. Who wants to be with someone like that)
Anyway, when we did split up, it was the most difficult time for me. I went on a 2 week drinking binge, stayed sober for about 2 months, and then started drinking again. It was rough. I did manage to quit again and have almost acquired another 4 months. I did it this time FOR ME!!
In that time, I am learning to live my life sober. Things have changed, I have changed. I do things differently now. My life is getting better. But these changes mean so much to me because I am doing them for myself and myself ONLY!!
In the time that I was learning to live my life again, my X saw changes in me. We hadn't spoken for several months, when we got in contact again and started talking. We talked on the phone for about 6 weeks before finally reuniting. He saw true and positive changes in me and we decided to see if our love is still there.
We have been back together now for 3 months and things are going great!!! I couldn't be happier, but if it doesn't work out, I am a much stronger person and I will be fine. I am also still sober and loving it!! FOR ME!! I WANT TO LIVE!!
Getting back with my BF is just another example of how life changes and improves as long as I remain sober. I am amazed at how much my self esteem has improved and how much stronger spiritually I have become. I welcome life now.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by earlybird
Wow,..........
It almost sounds like you arent even focused on your sobriety at ALL!!! All you keep rambling on about is "How can I get her back??" You dont sound like you are getting sober for you. It sounds like you are doing it for HER. In which case, it wont last. God lord man,....pull yourself together and be good to YOU. Get your life back on track by getting a program, a sponsor,.....get some good sobriety time under your belt. People notice a change when you are being an asset to you, first and foremost. Then and only then does it NOT seem like bullsh*t. Sorry, but that is just the way I am reading into this.
It almost sounds like you arent even focused on your sobriety at ALL!!! All you keep rambling on about is "How can I get her back??" You dont sound like you are getting sober for you. It sounds like you are doing it for HER. In which case, it wont last. God lord man,....pull yourself together and be good to YOU. Get your life back on track by getting a program, a sponsor,.....get some good sobriety time under your belt. People notice a change when you are being an asset to you, first and foremost. Then and only then does it NOT seem like bullsh*t. Sorry, but that is just the way I am reading into this.
Is it not the pain of losing something/somebody often the so called "hitting bottom" that can motivate a person into recovery?
As the alcohol gets out of their system they can realize many other things about themselves, addiction and how nice it is to be IN CONTROL of their own life rather than a chemical calling the shots.
If fear of losing someone he loves is a motivator that gets him started, more power to him.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: salem oregon
Posts: 13
thats what got me sober my wife left i tried to get sober for her she left anyways best thing that ever happend. met my wife i have now because of exwife leaving GOD has a plan and it may not be what you think it should be. good luck
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Livonia, MI
Posts: 675
Yes,...sometimes that happening can motivate you to look at yourself and do something. Someone leaving can make YOU look at why they left and then address the problem. His case is different. He seemed to not be concentrating on sobriety at all. All his efforts were focused completely on getting his g/f back. And some of his methods were borderline criminal.
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