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22 days & so what, it won't bring her back, or will it?

Old 08-24-2005, 05:17 PM
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Well, Gazmix, this might be the opportunity you're looking for. You said 'why is it always too late?' Well, maybe it isn't. But, you have to focus on you and your sobriety, above all. Your gf may waiver in the weeks to come, but you must not. Hang in there and keep posting.

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Old 08-24-2005, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by ArthurDent
Learning to move through changes and be wise enough to to accept that they're teaching us something is what life is about I think. And the greatest lesson is learning to love not others, but yourself. When we love ourselves it radiates out to others naturally. When we refuse to love ourselves, as I've done for fifteen years by poisoning and numbing myself with booze, all we're doing is resisting the natural transformation of the world, and hurting ourselves by trying to avoid changes which would teach us how to find our own happiness.
Whoa Arthur what a great post!!!! I wish you wold come talk to me like that....
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Old 08-24-2005, 05:25 PM
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Thanks Tyler

I just hope she will be able to tell the difference between the 'me' that was drinking, but not necessarily had a drink & the one totaly free of it!, afterall, i know it changes you lots of ways!
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Old 08-26-2005, 12:06 AM
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Originally Posted by gazmix
Thanks all, can we keep posting on this thread?
All your words are great & inspiring & thankyou.
Angelgirl, i can't stop loving my gf, i've made bad decisions, been an idiot & she don't believe my change, but i'm going to show her.
She wants to see me, but i'm scared of goiing to sleep, as i've been dreaming of her & this guy together! & when not asleep, i think of it & imagine them kissing & that my actions drove her to it!

Maybe your GF used to dream about you with your lover, alcohol. The personality changes, distorted thinking, etc etc, can be alot worse than your GF with a new BF. If they are not addicts at least there is a non-destructive relationship, perhaps.

Perhaps the hope of repatriation will even drive your recovery to greater levels.

Put yourself in her shoes. After dealing with an alcoholics crap she needs a change. It is positive and even consistent with her own recovery.

She very well may still love you but try to understand sane people do not wish to get sucked into the insanity of addiction. Even family of addicts reach a point when they separate physically.

You need to become a role model for staying straight, then maybe you can get her back.
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Old 08-26-2005, 09:43 AM
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Suggest you don't look to stay sober without some sort of a formal program...

WHAT program are you working? WHAT are you doing about it?
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Old 08-26-2005, 09:57 AM
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Steve she did!, all the time were together recently, she brings up the past, the times we argued & the neglect & love i had for the bottle, the moods i was in, the lying & immaturity & lack of respect & love i showed for her!
Whenever i say something, she brings these times up & i don't blame her, but i find it hard (as she did) & hurtful (as she was hurt) to try & put these times behind me (as she cant) when i'm looking to the present, staying clean, the future, the great way i feel after 35 days!

Trust must be earned, but i live with the prospect of "will she ever think, yes he's quit", that i may be with her 2 years more & then start again & thats what she's scared of!

Do i need to be with her 24/7 to show her, we've talked about this & she says she must trust me, but to see my difference, as a person, does she have to see me all the time, or will she, as she knows me, be able to tell the difference?

I've told her that the selfishness, & all things that go with a drinker will be gone, the level moods & generosity will be evident, but will she be able to tell, i mean as far as she's concerned, i could be drinking now & when i see her i'd say i haven't. Will she be able to tell the change!??
Thanks
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Old 08-26-2005, 10:17 AM
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Gaz...........seriously dude, you have been sober 35 days!!!!!!!

No offense intended, but 35 days???? And she is supposed to all of a sudden see some huge change?

N O T ! !

I have not had a drink in over 1,500 days, ya' think my ex sees any change? I doubt it, and further, I don't care if SHE sees a change.

It ONLY matters if I see a change.

AA and other programs are about being comfortable in your own skin with sobriety and learning new behaviors, a new way of life.

What type of program are you working now?

Bet being a dry drunk won't allow her to see any change in you....
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Old 08-26-2005, 10:57 AM
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Originally Posted by gazmix
Steve she did!, all the time were together recently, she brings up the past, the times we argued & the neglect & love i had for the bottle, the moods i was in, the lying & immaturity & lack of respect & love i showed for her!
Whenever i say something, she brings these times up & i don't blame her, but i find it hard (as she did) & hurtful (as she was hurt) to try & put these times behind me (as she cant) when i'm looking to the present, staying clean, the future, the great way i feel after 35 days!

Trust must be earned, but i live with the prospect of "will she ever think, yes he's quit", that i may be with her 2 years more & then start again & thats what she's scared of!

Do i need to be with her 24/7 to show her, we've talked about this & she says she must trust me, but to see my difference, as a person, does she have to see me all the time, or will she, as she knows me, be able to tell the difference?

I've told her that the selfishness, & all things that go with a drinker will be gone, the level moods & generosity will be evident, but will she be able to tell, i mean as far as she's concerned, i could be drinking now & when i see her i'd say i haven't. Will she be able to tell the change!??
Thanks
Gaz

It is possible she chooses to not forget the past. Perhaps she can forgive then.

Perhaps with your recovery you can do something positive with your life that your gf would admire and that you are genuinely interested in also?

Perhaps study with a specific goal, or undertake special training in something that can be used to brighten your future as sobriety will open doors for you.



"I was drowning in sorrow

But my sorrows they learned to swim"
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Old 08-26-2005, 11:00 AM
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She says she can see little more relaxed changes in me, like i'm more level mooded & i'm not wanting to get home so i can buy booze.
She used to say when i was drinking that she hates this me, the next day if i'd not drink, she loves that me!
We were in a bar the other day, & i had orange & i had no motivation to buy beer, i felt no feeling of "jeez, i could murder a beer" & she said i'm less anxious!
I feel better, clearer, more focused & positive!
What is a dry drunk, compared to someone sober, as i'm new here, it is something i've not heard before!
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Old 08-26-2005, 11:19 AM
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Gaz
Thanks for sharing with us! Love can be a bitch....heh? I speak from experience.
Keep going to meetings, DONT DRINK, get a sponsor ASAP, work the steps, and just watch what happens....you will be amazed before you are halfway thru. AA has saved a helluva lot of marriages and relationships.....but you have to do the work.
Get Into Action.
Peace be to you my friend


DONT DRINK>>>MEETINGS>>>SPONSOR>>>STEPS>>>>ASK GOD FOR HELP WHETHER YOU BELIEVE OR NOT>>>WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
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Old 08-26-2005, 11:46 AM
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Gaz, you don't seem to be interested in responding to me, so I will answer your question, and drop out of your thread.

A dry drunk in one that does not drink, but has all the same behaviors as before.

NO program, no self improvement, but no booze.

Others have posted suggesting you go to meetings too, yet unless I'm missing something, you have not mentioned anything about going to AA or anything else. Posting here is good, but not enuf IMHO.

FaeryQueen said it well. I may seem like a hard ass here, but gotta tell you, after coming here for 2 1/2 yrs, I have seen countless people try to get sober w/o working any type of formal program. Rarely does it work.

One of the moderators was not real pleased with me early in her sobreity when I gave her a bad time. Now she will be the first to admit it, without someone rattling her cage, she would not have progressed much in her sobriety.

Just not drinking for a month won't impress too many. It took years no doubt to get here.........
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Old 08-26-2005, 04:23 PM
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1_day@_a_time

I do hear you, in that case i'm not a dry drunk, although i don't yet have a program!

I am not as before, friends & family have seen a change in my moods & how i am to be around! I am seeing the local city alcohol advisory clinic, & shall soon go to AA & see what they say about a programme, i do take your advice & shall do this.
Ok, i'm early in my recovery, i stopped all other recreational drugs i took in my youth on my own & thought i could with booze, but it seems i can't as you say!
It maight not impress too many, so why have so many on this thread patted me on the back!
I am pleased with myself, my gf i pleased & thats a start!
Gaz
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Old 08-26-2005, 05:09 PM
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They have encouraged you because it take tremendous courage to take the steps you have taken. A winner takes note and makes the necessary changes.

It takes a great deal of time for some to take notice, and then, some will never admit it you are in fact a better person. Generally it's because they have issues themselves.

My point was, try your best to keep the back patting to a minimum. DO stay focused on YOU and keeping your side of the street clean. If you really focus on YOU, and pull back from the g/f, she will take notice even more.

I really can relate to your pain, as I have experienced losing those I love in the recent past. It took my awhile in most cases to move along, but so far, I have always been better off, all part of my Higher Powers plan.

Keep on keeping on, my congrats you to you.

The sooner you get involved in a program, the better! Like this weekend! What better time than the present.......

Tom
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Old 08-26-2005, 05:28 PM
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1 day @ a time I think it's rather silly to go around and try to force ppl into programs, let them decide for themselves and don't call them 'dry drunks' or whatever. I'm in the SMART program, totally different from AA/NA and I still don't consider myself a dry drunk or in denial, thank you very much.

* Edit: sorry perhaps this was a bit too harsh, I was just a lil annoyed.
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Old 08-26-2005, 06:51 PM
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Yes, pulling back from the gf thing will lure her in, that i've noticed. Iam staying focused & keeping myself in check!

BSP girl, i'll check out this smart programme, AA is also in my plans!
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Old 08-26-2005, 10:12 PM
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BSP, be as harsh as you care, I can handle it.

All this AA-lite, take it easy on me is nothing but COMPLETE B.S.!



People die from this disease, I've lost several friends already. Mamsy pamsy puff and fluff stuff sucks.

If you carefully read my post (s), you will find I suggest getting involved in a "program"! True, isn't it? Further, I never called him a dry drunk either.

While I am involved in AA, it does not matter to me one damned bit how someone gets AND stays sober........AA did save my life, so I am in fact partial.

I do not have any info re: any other program, therefore I will keep my big mouth shut regarding any/ all of them.

BUT you see BSP, gaz has not even been to AA by his own admission. I was encouraging him to get there now. NOW! NOT later.

AA is a simple program, but not easy. Ya' gotta work it!

Tom

PS: gaz, suggest you review the word "lure" carefully. Attract maybe?
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Old 08-27-2005, 03:52 AM
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Well in my honest opinion some ppl aren't just in the phase they feel they need to ask for help, perhaps gazmix is able to kick the habit on his own, perhaps not, but he's in charge here, not you. And it's better I think to support ppl whatever decision they make than go nagging them and forcing a program on them which might've helped for you but might be very unhelpful for someone else. But as I said 1 day @ a time I was somewhat annoyed when I wrote that post so I came off as way too black & white, also you're right, you adviced some kind of program and not AA per se and you never called him (or me for that matter) a dry drunk. My apologies. I guess I have to work on Unconditional Others Acceptance, ha. :P

That being said: gazmix: it's a big step you're going to look into these self help groups, gather as much information as you can and take the useful parts out of the programs/tools/steps they offer, good luck.
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Old 08-27-2005, 10:35 AM
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1 day @ a time, yes lure wasn't a good word, attract is far better!

I do think some kind of group therapy would be good for me. to share storys with. Does everyone get up & admit to being an alcoholic & tell there story!

I know my gf only has the past to go on & no-matter what i say, the way i feel, i understand she can't believe me, as actions speak louder than words. The me that don't drink is the person she loves & i've told her i will be that person, as i feel so good from not drinking, i just feel i need something to say to her to install into her my seriousness!, but i guess i can't!

I'm now running more, i guess i have an addictive personality, my gf's mum says if it's not alcohol it will be something else! I guess i'm stuck between a rock & a hardplace!

Thanks

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Old 08-27-2005, 10:49 AM
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You don't need to do anything you don't want to do. Groups vary tremendously. Some people want to share, others prefer to listen.

If you are asked to share and wish not to, kindly state your wishes and "pass". It should be left at that.

I have had to be careful with "promises" I make, as I tend to over promise, then must be careful when under-delivering.

I have an addictive personality, running and cycling are a passion for me. While "we" do tend to get labeled, lol, and perhaps for good reason, working out will relieve stress and tension. Sure would rather be known as a workout fanatic than a drinker.......

Suggest: this is a process, not an event. Often we don't get the recognition we would like. This is life changing behavior. One drink along the way, and some may just shake their heads and say, "I told ya' so...." Talk about starting over.

It takes time. You are on the right path. Time to take the next step?
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Old 08-27-2005, 06:12 PM
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1 day @ a time
Hey there!,I do want to visit an AA meet, there's a beginners one on Wednesday evenings, i assume that would be best for me, & there's an ongoing meet on Monday lunchtimes. I feel i would like to stand up & speak, i would be emotional, but i think it would be a release!
Addictive personalities, yeh i think i'm addicted to running & i do cycle coincidentaly too. I sure would love to cycle around your area, here has lots of hills, green fields & gets windy. Did you find that you sweated a lot whilst drinking, my gf thinks that when i sweat, it means i have been drinking regularly & looks for points like that!, but as i exercise a lot, that too is a sign of excessive sweating, as if i haven't had a daily sweat, i can kinda feel it coming out! The positives i'm taking out & hoping my gf, s/o, whatever, is that the me that used to exercise then drink & therefore not lose much torso fat, is now someone that visibly has lost torso fat & she will maybe, hopefully, reep the benefits lol!

The "suggest" bit you wrote in your post, should i talk of this starting over & that it's a process rather than an event. Like sitting & talking to her about this. I'm real upset & tyred by her constantly bringing up those past days, those arguments, that i know happened, i hate, i'm so upset & ashamed over, but also i understand they are all she has to go on! I'm thinking about telling her that i understand & don't mind her bringing it up, as i deserve to be reminded, because when i say it hurts, she raises her voice & says, "those months hurt me too", what can i do, i don't have a time machine!
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