wildcatgirl

Thanks so much for reading my concerns and giving me a little push to continue. This is the first time in my life that I am in love and very confident about my feelings for this guy. He means the world to me and of course he doesn't know that I am doing researches and joining this website.
We don't live together so I think it's less harder to deal with this situation. It's hard for me to talk to him about this but on the other hand I want to express my feelings and frustrations too.
We talked once about living together and having children. Actually we talk about that all the time, but only once I had the guts to tell him that I won't be having babies if he continues using cocaine. He said he needs time. He is trying hard. His dad is an alcoholic that might be a big factor I guess....It seems that he hates everybody and he just loves me and cocaine ....I guess.
We were friends for a year an half before we decided to start a relationship. I never noticed his addiction. We used to talk about drugs and I used to tell him that I never in my life try one. I asked him if he uses drugs he said NO of course!!!. After we decided to be together in a relationship on the second month he told me all about his addiction. I felt devastated. I never tried drugs for me it's hard to understand a person with a big addiction. He said that now his life is more complicated because now I am part of his life and lots of things will be complicated. That he loves me with all his heart and is the first time he wants to marry someone have children and get old with someone. But for me this is a big matter. No one in my family is aware about this. No one of my friends either I feel so bad talking about this. Just having a picture in my head of how he inhale cocaine makes me sick. I tried to avoid thinking about that. But I can't avoid this all the time and time is getting closer for me to face this reality with him.
I dont really know what to do. Thanks again for reading and helping. Means lots to me.

it's_me

Hey WildCatGirl,

The one thing I have found to be the most worthwhile thing in my 10 years of marriage is the sharing of life, sharing of love, sharing of who you really are with someone else in a no holds bar way. That you two have the ability to discuss the addiction, to be honest about not wanting children if he uses cocaine is honesty. That's very positive. Since you can discuss it, you can have the chance to beat it. In some respects a relationship can become very difficult when an addict is involved (me being one I know), but there is a a whole gambit of things that can go wrong when an addict is not involved as well. The stigma of addiction does not mean sure failure. I'm impressed that you would go to the lengths of joining this site to find answers to make it work out. If you both have this attitude then you will succede for sure. And, in the end, the experience of getting through it is what makes a relationship worthwhile. The experiences are the relationship iteself.

So, I suppose you will have to decide how much you can take for it to be worthwhile. But, I assure you, there will always be hurdles in life and relationship. If you found someone worth embracing the challenge for, that's awsome, and for all the hurdles there are just as many rewards. I wish you luck. And, again, the effort you have already put forth makes me think you will be succesfull.

Chy

I'm going to play devils advocate and tell you how it really is, you'll probably not like me after this but at least I know I did my part in planting the seed.

It is good he was honest with you about his addiction. But that's about all the kudos I can give him. Your at the early stages in your relationship where the passion and logical thinking is going to be clouded for quite sometime. Should you pursue the relationship while he's still using you'll be broken down little by little. He'll manipulate, use, and do whatever it takes to keep you and I have no doubt his feelings are genuine however, it's a tactic...getting your sympathy. As the years go on and he's still using your hopes of having babies will diminish, or you'll go through with it to see if kids will help change hime. Once the kids grow he slips away further and further and the guy you are so currently crazy about will become a person you no longer like and eventually resent.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble at all but just trying to give you a realistic picture of what lies ahead if he continues to use. Look at the ladies in Friends and Family forum who were once where your at and the ladies in Naranon who are where your at now.

Sweety if he is not willing to stop now for himself and make a committment to recovery your life expectancy with him is only down hill How do you get him to want to go into recovery? You can't. Forcing him without him being ready will only lead him to resenting you. I'm sorry, I really am.

1_day@_a_time

Chy, I like you. No, I love you!

It takes courage to speak the truth, especially when it hurts.

Wildcat, Chy works a great recovery program. She speaks from experience. Hope you won't be resentful. It won't help.

Addiction will always win. Regardless. Sucks, huh?

He can't need to be clean and sober, he must WANT to be clean and sober.

For him, nobody else.

EXCELLENT YOU CAME HERE AND EXPRESSED YOUR FEELINGS!!!

Keep at it. YOU are a winner!

wildcatgirl

Thanks Chy thanks guys
I really appreciate the time you took to drop me a very explicit and realistic email. Every single thing you said it's true. It brakes my heart lots too, knowing that "this situation" I can't fix it and it has to be him the one doing something about it...
Well yeah, I had a great education and have a great family. I have great friends but it was always so hard for me to find love. Finally I found my soulmate and also found out that he was addicted to cocaine.
It's a hard decision to make. But I don't want this for my life. I don't want to have kids and raise kids in a place with drugs and problems.
I thought about all of that.
My parents love me. I cant imagine not giving the same love and peace to my children. BUt my boyfriend is so sweet and smart. He is so bright its just so hard.

I am praying and asking God to guide me and give me the strenght to make decisions and have a good conversation with him.

The bubble? hahaha yeah there is one...who isn't in one when you fall in love? I am 31 and is the first time I love someone.
Thanks guys.

1_day@_a_time

Wildcat, don't give up, be realistic, have low expectations, thus high serenity.

Suggest you get involved in Ala-non, or some other support group to deal with understanding you, and learn more about codependency. (fixing/ controlling others)

Talk candidly and openly with your b/f. Use "I feel" words, thoughts and phrases.

Suggest you talk to him, and let him know not what HE needs to do, but how YOU FEEL under the circumstances.

Hard to believe maybe, but if it's meant to be, it WILL happen.

It really is awesome this has come up now. Not 2-5 yrs from now. Look at it like this, you've grown from this experience.

I grow from the most challenging times, not the easy ones.

Rock on! Hold your head high!

CarolD

you asking questions now instead of later.

Here is the deal...he lied to you in the beginning.
You are hiding his actions from those who care about you.
He is not trying to stop being a junkie.
He is not as smart as you think because he is a druggie.

Gosh...I am a recovered alcoholic and he would be the last man for me to hook up with. I know...
Love does not win over drugs.

Be wise and move on.