It never really end does it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Detroit MI
Posts: 51
It never really end does it?
You never really forget it…it never really goes away. No matter how hard you try to block everything out, no matter how many times you tell yourself it didn’t happen…somewhere deep down you know it did. It’s like a dark monster lurking in the shadow of your mind. I’m never going to forget what my parents did, never going to forget what my ex- boyfriend did, and I can’t help but ask myself how did you manage to get yourself into this situation? The words why didn’t you fight back, why did you just let it happen…it was all your fault. And it was…and it’s something that will never be forgotten.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>It’s the same with coke…I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t since the day I last used…that was over a year ago. That was the only time I felt truly good, sure I never wanted to come down and was blowing all my money on coke but I was happy…and I never had to think about things…not really anyway. And I know I’ll never stop wanting that feeling again not when I’m 20, not when I’m 30, 40, 50 etc. It will never end.
<o:p></o:p>
You chose the wrong damn road…an ever lasting life time road with more bumps and pot holes then the other one. Made wrong decisions and screwed yourself over. But none of that really matters; all that does is where you are…here now today. And that happens to be attempting to make it on the road you chose for yourself.
<o:p></o:p>
And I can’t do it anymore. I hate going to sleep at night because I hate the feeling of waking up in the morning…remembering who I am, and what I’ve done…and the first though that goes through my head being “Beer…” becausethat makes that terrible feeling go away. Want to know a secret? The night I did heroin…I knew how much I was doing. I knew I was doing to much I knew that because it was my first time I should go easy. But I didn’t, because I didn’t give two shi*s if I died that night or not. And I still don’t. I wake up and wish I was dead so I drink because that’s the closest thing I have to being dead.
<o:p></o:p>
My problem is…I can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t carry myself anymore…let alone my whole family…and all the other people who count on me to be there for them. I need my parents for once…I need to go to them and say take care of me…but I don’t know HOW to lean on people. Hell every time I post a thread here or elsewhere I feel ******* guilty as hell. I just don’t know how to depend on people and I see it as…wrong…selfish I guess. But if you can’t allow yourself to hold onto something when you’re about to fall…then you’re screwed. I seriously just want to off myself and get it over with. I don’t see why I haven’t yet to be honest. It’s not like I’m going to make it anywhere or have any type of future. Hell I don’t even know why I’ve lived for the 17 years I have.
<o:p></o:p>
Sorry. Not a good day…very bad night to be sober.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>It’s the same with coke…I can’t stop thinking about it. I haven’t since the day I last used…that was over a year ago. That was the only time I felt truly good, sure I never wanted to come down and was blowing all my money on coke but I was happy…and I never had to think about things…not really anyway. And I know I’ll never stop wanting that feeling again not when I’m 20, not when I’m 30, 40, 50 etc. It will never end.
<o:p></o:p>
You chose the wrong damn road…an ever lasting life time road with more bumps and pot holes then the other one. Made wrong decisions and screwed yourself over. But none of that really matters; all that does is where you are…here now today. And that happens to be attempting to make it on the road you chose for yourself.
<o:p></o:p>
And I can’t do it anymore. I hate going to sleep at night because I hate the feeling of waking up in the morning…remembering who I am, and what I’ve done…and the first though that goes through my head being “Beer…” becausethat makes that terrible feeling go away. Want to know a secret? The night I did heroin…I knew how much I was doing. I knew I was doing to much I knew that because it was my first time I should go easy. But I didn’t, because I didn’t give two shi*s if I died that night or not. And I still don’t. I wake up and wish I was dead so I drink because that’s the closest thing I have to being dead.
<o:p></o:p>
My problem is…I can’t do this on my own anymore. I can’t carry myself anymore…let alone my whole family…and all the other people who count on me to be there for them. I need my parents for once…I need to go to them and say take care of me…but I don’t know HOW to lean on people. Hell every time I post a thread here or elsewhere I feel ******* guilty as hell. I just don’t know how to depend on people and I see it as…wrong…selfish I guess. But if you can’t allow yourself to hold onto something when you’re about to fall…then you’re screwed. I seriously just want to off myself and get it over with. I don’t see why I haven’t yet to be honest. It’s not like I’m going to make it anywhere or have any type of future. Hell I don’t even know why I’ve lived for the 17 years I have.
<o:p></o:p>
Sorry. Not a good day…very bad night to be sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Carchick,
Sorry about your bad day.
I chose the wrong road too when I was a kid. I didn't fight back and I had no one to go to for help. I was a victim but felt like I had done everything wrong. So I lived in the dark and the fear for years and years. I made choices out of fear. And my life was not good at all. You won't forget those things that happened to you but you need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive yourself and your parents and ex bf because if you don't, you will keep living your life with your parents and your ex bf controlling your decisions and choices. It took me a long time to realize that my mother, though now dead, was still controlling my thoughts. I knew that to forgive her would allow me to live my life without all her name-calling and insults affecting me.
You shouldn't be doing this all on your own anymore. You're a kid, responsible for just yourself. You said you had no relatives to live with. If you talk to a school counsellor or social services or your family doctor, would you consider moving into a foster home until you finished high school? Do you think that would be a better option for you than supporting your whole family who are doing nothing for themselves.
You can move out of the dark and the fear in your life into the love and the light. It's scary and hard sometimes, but you can do it. You are worthy of a wonderful life and you can have a great future. But, in my opinion, you need to be away from your family so you can have a chance to look after yourself.
Please don't feel there's no hope. There is always hope, there really is. What you need to do now is to begin to move forward. Please believe you are worth whatever it takes to get through this.
.
http://www.michigan.gov/dhs/0,1607,7...4769--,00.html
Love, Anna
Sorry about your bad day.
I chose the wrong road too when I was a kid. I didn't fight back and I had no one to go to for help. I was a victim but felt like I had done everything wrong. So I lived in the dark and the fear for years and years. I made choices out of fear. And my life was not good at all. You won't forget those things that happened to you but you need to forgive yourself. You need to forgive yourself and your parents and ex bf because if you don't, you will keep living your life with your parents and your ex bf controlling your decisions and choices. It took me a long time to realize that my mother, though now dead, was still controlling my thoughts. I knew that to forgive her would allow me to live my life without all her name-calling and insults affecting me.
You shouldn't be doing this all on your own anymore. You're a kid, responsible for just yourself. You said you had no relatives to live with. If you talk to a school counsellor or social services or your family doctor, would you consider moving into a foster home until you finished high school? Do you think that would be a better option for you than supporting your whole family who are doing nothing for themselves.
You can move out of the dark and the fear in your life into the love and the light. It's scary and hard sometimes, but you can do it. You are worthy of a wonderful life and you can have a great future. But, in my opinion, you need to be away from your family so you can have a chance to look after yourself.
Please don't feel there's no hope. There is always hope, there really is. What you need to do now is to begin to move forward. Please believe you are worth whatever it takes to get through this.
.
http://www.michigan.gov/dhs/0,1607,7...4769--,00.html
Love, Anna
Doube-Edged
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 160
Wow--I almost felt like those were my thoughts you wrote there on the page. But its funny because when they're in my head I feel liek I deserve to feel this way and it will always be this way that that is somehow sickly right. But when I see you say these things I know its not okay. You shouldn't have to feel liek this and the world sometimes sucks but of course its not your fault--and god, how sad to think you shouldn't depend on others, how sad and how ridiculous. You deserve all the help you can get and all the good things in life and you deserve the strength to get them.
I guess what I'm saying is when you think all those things "its my fault" "i made it this way" "i deserve this" "i don't deserve to ask for help"--think of how you would feel if someone else told you they were thinking those things? Would you say--yeah, you're right, you're a looser who deserves to suffer just for living? Probably not. And so remember that the same goes for you.
I hope you are better. I know that doesn't help much--but it's true.
I guess what I'm saying is when you think all those things "its my fault" "i made it this way" "i deserve this" "i don't deserve to ask for help"--think of how you would feel if someone else told you they were thinking those things? Would you say--yeah, you're right, you're a looser who deserves to suffer just for living? Probably not. And so remember that the same goes for you.
I hope you are better. I know that doesn't help much--but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 99
I think Anna gave you some good advice. I just wanted to say one more thing. You are so very young. You have your entire life to live, you know that. Do whatever it takes to get yourself clean. You don't want to wake up 10 years from now having ruined not only your own life, but maybe a child's too, maybe a husband's. Get clean honey and start your life over!! You have so much to live for 
"The BAND" workshop ROCKS!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indianapolis, Indiana
Posts: 1,502
Very well written young lady. Those words could have come from my mouth and I'm over 40. I made the wrong turn about age 16, drinking and smoking pot, and have basically wasted my health and life on drugs. Now I'm trying to overcome a 10 year coke addiction that has cost me my career and family.
Try to understand this disease of addiction early, NOW, while you can still live a fruitful life. Yes there will be cravings, but I understand they do subside in time. You are young and have a lot to live for. I remember nights of desperation, sticking my straw in Oz. bags, snorting for all I was worth, waiting for my heart to stop. It didn't. Not to get religious, but God must have wanted to keep me around for something, if only to teach me the lesson of what living a good life could be.
In time you will be happy without the drugs, millions of people are every day. You aren't so different that you can't be happy and well-adjusted as well.
Can you get into a recovery group of some type? CA, NA, or even AA(if you have a desire to not drink), can all give you circles of new friends. Do not be dismayed if there are not a lot of people your age, we all have the same disease and swallow the same poisons!
Keep posting here. If you want to view my journal on living through an addiction and trying to heal, it's called I'm ALIVE on the Substance Abuse Forum.
Hope today is better for you, just take it one day at a time. okay?
Try to understand this disease of addiction early, NOW, while you can still live a fruitful life. Yes there will be cravings, but I understand they do subside in time. You are young and have a lot to live for. I remember nights of desperation, sticking my straw in Oz. bags, snorting for all I was worth, waiting for my heart to stop. It didn't. Not to get religious, but God must have wanted to keep me around for something, if only to teach me the lesson of what living a good life could be.
In time you will be happy without the drugs, millions of people are every day. You aren't so different that you can't be happy and well-adjusted as well.
Can you get into a recovery group of some type? CA, NA, or even AA(if you have a desire to not drink), can all give you circles of new friends. Do not be dismayed if there are not a lot of people your age, we all have the same disease and swallow the same poisons!
Keep posting here. If you want to view my journal on living through an addiction and trying to heal, it's called I'm ALIVE on the Substance Abuse Forum.
Hope today is better for you, just take it one day at a time. okay?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: SW Florida
Posts: 12
The first thing that struck me was how amazingly beautiful you write. I'm not trying to get off the subject but you have a gift for writing that I can't even dream of ever having (obviously). I would suggest keeping a journal as putting your thoughts and feelings down on paper can be very rewarding. Just my .2
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
(((Carchick4life))))
no, it doesn't end, but it DOES get better, easier.
Today i'm a grateful addict. That doesn't mean i hate my disease any less!!
But I had to go where I went to get where I am. To be who I am today.
Acceptance...of all my yesterdays...was the door that I had to go through. Can't go over it...can't go under it...gotta go through it!!
Beating myself up feeds my disease.
I will never forget....what I did to myself...to my loved ones. But today that's ok...because if I forget for even a second, then I might go back to the hell I've been crawling out of.
Acceptance lead to me to forgiveness. And 401 days later. One step at a time, one day at a time.
If I can do it, so can you!!
Faith the size of a mustard seed. What do I know about seeds? THEY GROW!!!!
Try to keep your head in the moment...THIS moment.
hugs & hugs, Wendy
no, it doesn't end, but it DOES get better, easier.
Today i'm a grateful addict. That doesn't mean i hate my disease any less!!
But I had to go where I went to get where I am. To be who I am today.
Acceptance...of all my yesterdays...was the door that I had to go through. Can't go over it...can't go under it...gotta go through it!!
Beating myself up feeds my disease.
I will never forget....what I did to myself...to my loved ones. But today that's ok...because if I forget for even a second, then I might go back to the hell I've been crawling out of.
Acceptance lead to me to forgiveness. And 401 days later. One step at a time, one day at a time.
If I can do it, so can you!!
Faith the size of a mustard seed. What do I know about seeds? THEY GROW!!!!
Try to keep your head in the moment...THIS moment.
hugs & hugs, Wendy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
