Ann25

Im no newcomer by anymeans......... But.......I feel like I am sometimes. They say you know what you know----but --there IS that grey line we all pass......and try to still say "what??????" I take complete responsibility for my actions--usually (being HONEST) but........ My mother for instance--she f****** pisses me off!!!!!! I know what I need to do to stay clean---SO DONT TELL ME 900 TIMES ALREADY!!!!!!!! I know she cares but--somebody back me up here--- that ONE straw CAN AND WILL bring you right back there!!!!!!!!! I do the right thing and shes not happy--I dont--and OMG---all hell breaks loose!!!!!!! I just cant take it anymore!!!!!!! Im 35!!!! leave me alone!!!!!!! I know she cares but--------give me room to breath------she has been there for me through --you dont EVEN want to know!!!!! but I need the trust---when do I deserve it back? I NEVER once stole from her!!!!! I can really honestly say that=------I just screwed myself financially--emotionally--ect..... but.......I can only say THANK YOU SO MANY TIMES!!!!!!!! Please...if anyone has any advice--------HELP

quercusalba

Patience. That's all. She may be behaving this way because of things that you did... and/or she may be harping on points that have already been driven home with you. Either way, the only response you can control is your own. It's something I've heard a million times in recovery, and I'm sure you have too.. but it's so very true. You cannot control her - she will say what she will say, whether out of love or out of habit or both. She loves you. You are sober. Those are the things that count.

Just hang on. Things will get better. Keep on keeping on.

take care,
anne

historyteach

That one straw can and will bring you back...
IF YOU LET IT!
You and you alone are in control of your using. It isn't your mom's *fault* if you pick up. YOU pick up! Sorry. I'm not buying that line.
If you want to use, go ahead and do so; don't lay it on her, though.
I am speaking as a mother of a heroin addict who has been blamed over and over. I say BS! If he picks up, it's cuz HE WANTS TO!!!

Now, as far as your mom goes, you ARE 35. So act like it! You are not dependent on her, are you? If you are, get out from under that! If you live in her house, follow her rules; if you don't live your own life. If she calls, calmly tell her you are busy so you don't have to listen to her. And don't lay your stuff on her if you don't want her feedback.
Time to grow up, Ann. 35 is too old to be blaming mommy anymore. :nono:
Shalom!

Anna

Anne is right, patience is what you need now. It's hard for us with addictive personalities to be patient, but you need to let your mother see, through your actions, that you have changed. She will see it if you can just hang in there.

Anna

Ann25

WOW!!!!!!
Hist..... I know you are right------Im not "blaming" anybody--really--I just wanted to vent. And no--I dont live with my mother--but she has "helped" me financially--not in a while though-- I just cant take being under a microscope anymore--thats it!! BOTTOM LINE I DIDNT MEAN TO STRIKE A CORED WITH YOU--IF I DID --IM SORRY---trully== I dont live with my mother--I just want someone to trust me unconditionally---but ya know--I lost that a long time ago!!!!! Again--Im sorry-
Ann

historyteach

Ann25;
I'm sorry. Your post DID hit a nerve.
I meant everything I said; I just wish I had said it in a manner which was more kind.
And I understand; we all need to vent sometimes...
Shalom!

Ann25

Ya know..... I didnt tell the "whole story" not "mine" per say-----but......
My brother od that day and Im sure she was scared--I Know she was!!!! And I totally understand----but----Please--I dont want to sound selfish--(I know Im going too) but I AM NOT MY BROTHER!!!!! Our lives are totally different--dont think I dont care--THIS HIT ME HARD--HOME EVEN--(der) but I do-- I LOVE MY BROTHER !!!!-but I take responsibility for my actions--always have--but.....dont blame me for my brothers actions!!! Im not going to quote--but what it came down to was-- if you--blah blah blah--not downsizing--just dont want to share that-- I was hurt!!!! Am I wrong here??
Please tell me--I can and will admit when Im wrong--I just dont think I am.
My brother is ok--THANK GOD!!!!! But a drug induced coma is not what I want to look forward to. I want MY LIFE!!!!!!! (be gentile Hist.) (kidding)
Annie

In memory of miracle

The only one we can change is ourselve's. Unfortunatly we earn people's mistrust. I find when I take responsability for my own actions and look at myself, it helps to quiet my insides down. The trust that people have in me today, I had to earn it. I earn it by staying clean for the day and working a program for change.

lulu70

(((((((Ann))))))) Sorry you are having troubles with your mom. Something I thought about, though, is how I react to other people when I am REALLY worried about someone I love. I know it is not right, but I am sure I often take my stress out on the other people I love. It is a natural response. I can't scream and yell at the person who is really sick--or at their illness (which is what I would really like to do). Instead, the folks who I truly love and who I know truly love me get the brunt of the anger. Of course, through my recovery program I have learned to try not to do that, or at least to make amends when I realize I have done it, but your mom probably doesn't have the benefit of a program......? I think I take these things out on the folks who love me most because intuitively I know they will continue to love me no matter what. I don't know if that makes any sense, or if it even pertains to your situation, but it was something I was thinking about.

Also, as others have said, I have learned that I have no control over what other people do, say, or think. However, I DO have control over how I react to them. I can CHOOSE to let the anger take control of me, or I can choose to remember that other people are sick, too, and let go of the anger. I know you know all this, though, and I appreciate your need to just vent. I have been there, for sure. Hope your venting helped!!!

Hugs--

kweather99

Ann25,
I learned early on that when people speak to me the only thing I control is my reaction to whatever they say. If they speak to me in a way that's unkind, or attempt to manipulate me or my emotions for their purposes then that is their problem and not my concern. It's between them and their Higher Power. I have found it useful to say a prayer when this happens, something like: "God, I believe I was treated poorly in this instance, but that's between you and so-and-so. I pray for them, that they may know your will for them and receive the power to carry it out. Please take my hurt feelings, God, because I can't handle them. Thy will, not mine be done."

I can also choose to pick up someone else's burden or draw a healthy boundary and enforce it in a loving, compassionate, healthy way. Hang in there and do the next right thing.

angelgirl

Hey Ann, you VENT all you need to. It really helps...
I can understand your frustration. Sr is here for support and venting, sometimes it is helpful to hear things we don't want to hear, but I don't think your wrong at all here, you're just venting... You vent all you like, you will find support here,,,
kweather99 in my view gave some very good support for you..
Love Becky

eddie z.

Is this a typo or a pun? Either way, I think it's pretty funny.

Annie,
Gosh, how long has it been?! It's so great to see you here!! I think I understand about your mom. I'm in my late thirties and my mom still treats me like an idiot/child. She know how to say just the wrong things, you know? Nothing is ever good enough, it seems. It still drives me nuts sometimes...IF I let it. Sometimes I do; sometimes I don't. But I'm definitely getting better at NOT letting it make me crazy. That's the Program. I am powerless over her and I just have to accept that she probably isn't going to change.

But I'm with angelgirl. Vent away, sweetie!
Love and hugs,
Eddie

Ann25

EddieZ!!!!! Luv Ya!!! You are the best!!!!
Miraclene-- I hear ya--and THANK YOU!!!!!!
Lulu+Angelgirl--thank you also......
Weather--Thats my motto--but ya know--easier said than done....
All of you------Thank You soooooo much--you brought tears to my eyes!!!
I love SR!!! I really dont know what I would do without you!!!!!
My brother is ok------My prayers were answered!!! I dont even know how I could handle that!!!! But......I dont. I know who my friends are though!!!!!!!
I stayed clean and thats all that matters!!!!!
Love you all!!!!!!!!
Ann

best

Try to look at things from her perspective.

Trust will come when trust comes. If it takes 10 years before I gain full trust from others, I deserve the wait for allowing their trust to be broken the first time.

Patience takes time to learn and frustration is a great teacher.

She will grow at her own rate. Would be nice if she would grow as fast as you but you are you and she is who she is.

Patience and understanding of her perspective may gain you some peace.

Ann25

Best....... I know what you are saying--and totally agree.....but.....
It is soooooo frustrating..... but what I put my mother through------OMG!!!!
I cant believe the women is still sane!!!! I LOVE MY MOM!!!!!!!! I just get -----annoyed?????--is that the word????/ I dont know???? Im doing the best that I possibly can--I just want a little credit-----not that I deserve it--but it would be nice. Reading this back to myself---I KNOW I sound selfish--and I really dont mean to be--but I wish she could really, trully know what I am going through!!!!!!! This sucks!!!!! But---No matter what-----I thank GOD everyday for the support of my mother--because without her--I dont know where I would be right now!!!!!

best

Congratulations on what you have accomplished.
Great job. You know and I know it wasn't easy but you held out and continued your recovery.

You are asking for things from someone who will never understand what you went through. You and I know so it will be you and I who tell you GREAT JOB!

Remember to tell yourself how far you have come. It will also help you remember where you were at one point and help you hold fast to your recoevry.

eddie z.

Thank you, Ann !!

Love and hugs,
Eddie

Ann25

THANK YOU......... I wish I could give you that in person!!!!!!
Ann

eddie z.

Awww! You're welcome, too! ~~SR SR~~

Love and s,
Eddie