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Old 06-18-2005, 07:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Struggling...I just don't get it!


Today....I just feel desperate. I just don't get it. I am really working at sobriety, I've worked hard all of my life so that bit doesn't frighten me. I've worked in some jobs where you really have to take a "good look" at things, life, yourself...and I just don't get it. I was a pediatric oncology nurse for many years, I'm retired from that and have moved into economics which is stimulating and lucrative. I'm very involved in my program, AA and step work, community service. I'm young, healthy, intelligent, well educated, creative, beautiful and I still don't get it! I have a great husband, supportive family and friends, live in a exotic enviroment and ????? My life is all questions...no answers.

I feel as if I put in enough hours soul-searching, that I might feel more positive and up beat...but I've just felt very depressed and unmotivated for the last 3 weeks. It's just so hard, thanks for letting me vent.

Love Pearl
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Old 06-18-2005, 07:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Recovery is a journey. It is not all uphill...I am sure you have heard the onion analogy. We keep peeling away layers all through our lives.

I suspect you are at a new phase in your recovery and until you do a little more soul searching (yes....again), speak to you sponsor and go back to the 1st step you will continue to feel the way you are.

Al Anon here...10 years...and I have done my own share of backtracking and it always goes back to the basics, and relearning them whether I want to or not.

((hugs))
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Old 06-19-2005, 02:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Unhappy Gee,,,

Pearl...I am so sorru to see your disstress.

Could you be in a greiving mode?

Have you tried doing a gratitude list?

Extra prayers for peace zinging your way.
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Old 06-19-2005, 06:46 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you feel bad. It sounds like you suffer from depression to me. I'm no doctor tho, perhaps it won't harm to go see a dr you trust and talk about your issues? Or talk to friends/ppl in your self help group/relatives about things? I find it helpful to discuss personal matters with someone who understands me at times. Good luck! *hugs*
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Old 06-19-2005, 07:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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(((((((Pearl)))))))) I can SO relate to what you describe. When I get to feeling that way it is often because I am not "living in the moment." I am curious--what are the questions your life is filled with? Maybe if you try to examine your questions you will be able to understand what is bothering you. I think the most important thing to remember is that it will get better and it is definitely better now than it was before.

Hugs--
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Old 06-19-2005, 09:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Pearl - another SR that relates..

Interesting that you moved into economics. I've spent the last 10 years in it, and I often wonder why I, as an addict, out of control, would be drawn to a subject that is based on rationality. But, maybe that's just it - it's a beautiful way of interpreting the world around us, no? I love the theory of rational, marginal decisions...However, what I find dissapointing is that it is theory...My life often strayed from the basic principles...diminishing marginal utility? Not with dope, drinks! Rational behaviour? Nope, not in my family! Marginalsim? Nah, not in my world, how many times have I made a decision where the marginal cost far exceeded that beneift?

Anyhow, sorry to ramble with economics talk, just found it interesting that someone else in a position like mine would find it interesting. I think we're drawn to things that find order in the chaos, but then dissapointed when it does not always apply to our lives...

I hope this will pass for you. I also have many of the characterisitcs you describe, but still find myself in the depths of a very bad depressive episode - and I don't know what to do. Read all my damn texts, and no answers there...

Faith, that's what may be lacking (at least in my life).

You will find your purpose...

I'm pulling for you: SS
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Old 06-19-2005, 12:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hi Pearl...I hope that you start feeling better soon. I can understand where you're comming from. But, I have learned that when we're in the process of spiritually growing, it can sometimes be painful and we naturally want to understand that pain--hence all the questions you may be asking yourself. All those things you described as having is definitely beneficial from the outter point of view, but I know that for myself whenever I tried to rationalize "why" I was feeling so badly--even though I had all these "things" that should make me happy, I learned that I was feeding myself unsubstantial nutrients, so to speak. I relied very heavily on the material world to make myself feel worthy, happy, and just plain good enough...but I had to let go of that illusion and realize that it's actually the non-material or spiritual world that would feed me and make me happy and healthy. You mentioned that you're going to meetings, doing the step work, etc so I'm thinking that you've been exposed to these ideas and perhaps, like I mentioned, you're now in the process of having a total psychic change. It's hard and painful to cut ourselves off from the past and what has shaped our realities and the way we thought of the world, and most people fight that. Kinda like dying. But, once we let go of that...total liberation and true happiness finally comes.
It sounds like you're doing everything right and I have faith that these feelings you're experiencing will lift soon enough. I know for myself, I would much rather endure the pain that comes with spiritual growth than suffer the consequences of remaining "stuck" and emotionally thwarted. Hang in there!

Danielle
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Old 06-19-2005, 02:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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(((Pearl)))

I'm thinkin maybe that just what transition feels like. I haven't done a lot of soul searching and all that good stuff, I'm just trying to keep busy so that I can deal with one question at a time when it comes up.

Drop me a PM if you want to stay busy, I should be here at work for the next 8 hours attempting to stay awake

- Greg
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Old 06-19-2005, 02:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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2tough...you gotta work on Father's Day Sunday...and try to not fall asleep while doing it? Bummer.

Danielle
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Old 06-19-2005, 04:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Here's hoping you are feeling better Pearl.
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Old 06-19-2005, 05:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thanks All!

I think I must be thinking too much...(thanks Erika my youngest daughters name also.) Just trying to relinquish control and let my HP guide me...sometimes it's easier said than done. Again, thank-you to my SR family for your warmth and continued support.

Love Pearl
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Old 06-19-2005, 05:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Pearl,
I can relate. I've been in recovery coming up on two years, but something I heard in rehab 2 1/2 years ago still sticks: TIME - Things I Must Earn. And I have learned that time takes time, and it is not my time schedule, it is my Higher Power's.

Shestruggles,
I have also learned that the answers I seek are within me, and not in any text or any speech or poem, or anything else outside of myself. My Higher Power is within me and therefore everything I need is within me.

I wish you both the best, keep coming back and more will be revealed, as the Big Book says.
Kevin
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Old 06-20-2005, 04:50 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Pearl just sending you a (((((BIG HUG)))))) I too can so relate to how your feeling and I get very frustrated with myself hope your feeling better soon hun ...........love Luluxxx
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Old 06-20-2005, 06:44 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Hey Pearl,for me,my healing began not only through soul-searching,but through that Power much Greater than myself.When i began,my conscious contact with God.From the BB..We had to have God,s help.God was going to be our Director.He is the Principal,we are His agents.He is the Father and we are His children.Most good ideas are simple,and this concept was the ....keystone.......of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to........freedom......
keep on,keeping on,,,

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Old 06-20-2005, 02:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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(((Pearl))) You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I know it isn't easy having to walk thru this but the only way out is thru. You can do this. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and open up to yourself and explore you. Get to know yourself.

It is a big task to face ourselves and we never know what we will find, but it is worthwhile to see what is inside of our treasured selves. Pray for strength to keep facing these things in your life.

Pearl, remember that we are here to support you. Turn to us and reach out anytime you need to and for anything at all.

Love,
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Old 06-21-2005, 11:40 AM   #16 (permalink)
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the young monk asked the master : "i am so discouraged, what should i do?"

the reply: "encourage others"

[it has ALWAYS worked for me]
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Old 06-21-2005, 12:18 PM   #17 (permalink)
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If every day was peachy, I'd not be able to appreciate it. After a few years of almost complete serenity. I'm faced with losing my job. I'm glad it's now instead of early in my recovery.


On page 417 of the 4th edition of the Big Book it says for us to have acceptence of everything. Took a long time for me to grasp that. After it sank in, I've been on a nice ride ever since.

About your program, are you doing any service work? I got it kind of tossed on me coming into AA. I had a lic. and many other people didn't have a way to get to work. It took almost losing everything to make me appreciative of what I had. Have you made a gratitude list up lately? I'm grateful for my toothache today. Means i've got teeth

I will tell you the first year or so, I was miserable coming into AA. Life is a bowl of cherries today though
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Old 06-21-2005, 12:48 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you for your replies...yes I am involved in service work through the local hospice (patient/family advocacy), my church soup-line, and being born and raised in Seattle (if it's not Starbucks it's not coffee!), am the official coffee maker at my home group.

I diligently write my gratitude lists in the morning and evening, and I do have SO much to be thankful for.

Patience was never my strong suit...I feel I need to hurry up and get there, now that I've made my decision. I am ready to live and be alive and embrace lifes joys and disasters equally with gusto.

I'm really having trouble with self forgiveness and am trying to be more kind to myself and stretch more...just a 6 week slump I guess.

Again, thanks
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Old 06-21-2005, 12:59 PM   #19 (permalink)
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A lot of people coming into the program wants what the old timer has. It's not the end result that makes us what we are, it's the struggles to get there that makes us who we are in the end
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Old 06-21-2005, 01:34 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pearl
being born and raised in Seattle (if it's not Starbucks it's not coffee!), am the official coffee maker at my home group.
Would it offend you if I had a shirt that says "Friends dont let Friends drink Starbucks"?

You are currently in Kona country, please dont relapse to Starbucks, you'll hate yourself in the morning~! And that's not what Keola would do, ask him, you'll see...

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