Worried about my girlfriend and coke...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: ATL, GA
Posts: 4
Worried about my girlfriend and coke...
Ok, coming here to write is very hard for me. I feel like i'm going behind her back and doing something wrong, but i'm so scared and i'm not sure where to turn or what to do. I need more opinions.
I'm 24 years old and live with my 20 year old girlfriend. We've been together for about 18 months now and things were really good. We have our own townhouse, we both have jobs and life seemed well.
She started a job about a year ago as a bartender at a more upscale restaurant/bar in my area. When i met my girlfriend she was kind of a party girl. When she was younger, she did her deal of smoking pot, doin coke a little and taking E. After we got together that pretty much stopped.
I also had a lot of experience with drug use, and had my own addiction problem to ecstacy. I used to be a sous chef at a country club, so i understand how drugs and restaurant work go hand in hand a lot of times. I know the people who own the bar and i know that they are coke users on a regular basis, and also a bunch of drunks.
The owners sit at the bar and drink non stop, and then have after hour parties all the time. Sometimes my girlfriend wouldnt get home til 3:30-4:30 in the morning and always said she jsut had a drink and sat around and talked.
Sometimes she would come home insanely hyper and i immediatly thought it was coke. I would ask her about it, and she would kind of get mad and say, "So i'm always on something right?" or, "Why do i always have to be ****ed up on something".
I guess i should specify and say i never said, "Are you on coke" but more like, "Damn yer wired, what are you on?" in a slightly jovial manner.
Recently, she's been having thoughts of moving out and getting her own place. She says she's afraid she's going to regret missing out on these years of her life where you live on yoru own and party and do your own thing. She also says she wants to get her career on track. But, she said she can't leave though because she loves me so much and doesnt want to leave our house.
Last night she came home around 3:30 and was very drained and very hot (body temp). I didnt really think anything of it, and she ended up sleeping from 5am til 1:30pm. We smoked a bowl around 4:30 and then had sex til about 5:15. I tried to wake her up this morning to go for our walk, and she was really bitchy about it.
I still didnt think anything of it, and assumed maybe she had a lot on her mind. Then her friend called me at work and expressed that she believed my girlfriend was on coke last night. Her friend stopped by the bar to show off her new car, and told me my girlfriend was, "Very not herself. Extremely speedy and her eyes were like saucers and that she didnt even blink. She said she wished she had a video recorder so she could show me how weird and sped up she was acting. My girlfriends, friends, boyfriend even thought she was on coke."
There had only been one time in our relationship when she lied to me about what she was doing. She was out til 8am and everytime i talked to her on the phone she lied about coming home and where she was. When she finally came home, the truth came out that she was lying to me and was on coke all night. This occured in February this year.
So i guess my question/dilema is how do i approach it? Sometimes she drinks ric flairs (red bull/vodka) and that jacks her up because of the red bull. BUt last night she said she only had a beer. So its like, why would she be acting so insane to the point that her best friend called me concerned. The wide eyes, the excessive energy, the fact that she doesnt sleep well anymore, nor does she eat ever, her body heat and the fact that she just slept all day is making me worry. I worry a lot period, but this just has me a little freaked out.
I hate her job and i hate her new friends she made because they are bar people. Constantly doin coke and drinking and partying.
I'm scared to ask her, but i just want to know whats goign on. I'm afraid i'll say, "Hey baby, whens the last time you did coke"? because i dont want her to be like, "Jesus christ ryan, why is it i'm always on drugs" or jut answer back harshly.
I love her to death and am just concerned. Thank you for listening and i really look forwadr to any feedback. I want to talk to her when she gets home tonight, but she may have worked 10 hours and its hard to bring up, but its eating at me. Mainly because her best friend called me and was concerned.
Help
Ryan Raze
I'm 24 years old and live with my 20 year old girlfriend. We've been together for about 18 months now and things were really good. We have our own townhouse, we both have jobs and life seemed well.
She started a job about a year ago as a bartender at a more upscale restaurant/bar in my area. When i met my girlfriend she was kind of a party girl. When she was younger, she did her deal of smoking pot, doin coke a little and taking E. After we got together that pretty much stopped.
I also had a lot of experience with drug use, and had my own addiction problem to ecstacy. I used to be a sous chef at a country club, so i understand how drugs and restaurant work go hand in hand a lot of times. I know the people who own the bar and i know that they are coke users on a regular basis, and also a bunch of drunks.
The owners sit at the bar and drink non stop, and then have after hour parties all the time. Sometimes my girlfriend wouldnt get home til 3:30-4:30 in the morning and always said she jsut had a drink and sat around and talked.
Sometimes she would come home insanely hyper and i immediatly thought it was coke. I would ask her about it, and she would kind of get mad and say, "So i'm always on something right?" or, "Why do i always have to be ****ed up on something".
I guess i should specify and say i never said, "Are you on coke" but more like, "Damn yer wired, what are you on?" in a slightly jovial manner.
Recently, she's been having thoughts of moving out and getting her own place. She says she's afraid she's going to regret missing out on these years of her life where you live on yoru own and party and do your own thing. She also says she wants to get her career on track. But, she said she can't leave though because she loves me so much and doesnt want to leave our house.
Last night she came home around 3:30 and was very drained and very hot (body temp). I didnt really think anything of it, and she ended up sleeping from 5am til 1:30pm. We smoked a bowl around 4:30 and then had sex til about 5:15. I tried to wake her up this morning to go for our walk, and she was really bitchy about it.
I still didnt think anything of it, and assumed maybe she had a lot on her mind. Then her friend called me at work and expressed that she believed my girlfriend was on coke last night. Her friend stopped by the bar to show off her new car, and told me my girlfriend was, "Very not herself. Extremely speedy and her eyes were like saucers and that she didnt even blink. She said she wished she had a video recorder so she could show me how weird and sped up she was acting. My girlfriends, friends, boyfriend even thought she was on coke."
There had only been one time in our relationship when she lied to me about what she was doing. She was out til 8am and everytime i talked to her on the phone she lied about coming home and where she was. When she finally came home, the truth came out that she was lying to me and was on coke all night. This occured in February this year.
So i guess my question/dilema is how do i approach it? Sometimes she drinks ric flairs (red bull/vodka) and that jacks her up because of the red bull. BUt last night she said she only had a beer. So its like, why would she be acting so insane to the point that her best friend called me concerned. The wide eyes, the excessive energy, the fact that she doesnt sleep well anymore, nor does she eat ever, her body heat and the fact that she just slept all day is making me worry. I worry a lot period, but this just has me a little freaked out.
I hate her job and i hate her new friends she made because they are bar people. Constantly doin coke and drinking and partying.
I'm scared to ask her, but i just want to know whats goign on. I'm afraid i'll say, "Hey baby, whens the last time you did coke"? because i dont want her to be like, "Jesus christ ryan, why is it i'm always on drugs" or jut answer back harshly.
I love her to death and am just concerned. Thank you for listening and i really look forwadr to any feedback. I want to talk to her when she gets home tonight, but she may have worked 10 hours and its hard to bring up, but its eating at me. Mainly because her best friend called me and was concerned.
Help
Ryan Raze
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
well i look at it this way. by ignoring the problem we are not helping the very ones we love. if we approach it head on and they dont react the way we hope they will....if a relationship has to end because of it, yes it hurts, its painful, but...........as i said, ignoring anything doesnt make it better.
it sounds to me like she is really caught up in the partying thing, and feels like you are cramping her style, thats why she wants out on her own. it could be a phase,many people go thru when they are young, but that is a big chance to take. i am older, and it seems that in recent years people are getting addicted to things much more than in my day.
keep reading here,and dont feel guilty about it. it will help you decide what you want to do, how to do it, and get you thru whatever may happen.
it sounds to me like she is really caught up in the partying thing, and feels like you are cramping her style, thats why she wants out on her own. it could be a phase,many people go thru when they are young, but that is a big chance to take. i am older, and it seems that in recent years people are getting addicted to things much more than in my day.
keep reading here,and dont feel guilty about it. it will help you decide what you want to do, how to do it, and get you thru whatever may happen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
well i suspect that no matter how, she is not going to be happy about it, as she will be in denial denial denial.......but, try to do it at a time when you are both in a relaxed, good state of mind. start off, by telling her how much you love her,and care about her.how you hope that you have a future together.....then go from there. you may as well just come out with it. trust me on this, beating around the bush will just prolong yours and her misery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
What she's doing to you, coming home late and partying with others is not generally what someone does when they're in a committed relationship. Years ago when I was in the restaurant business I would do a line (or 5) have a drink (or 5) and not get home til 3am ( or 5). I know what I was up to. It sure made my husband miserable but I couldn't stop because I was in that fast restaurant scene and I was an addict, although I didn't think so at the time.
It's your relationship.. what do you want out of it? Maybe you ARE cramping her style... She's pretty young. I sure want to encourage you to get what YOU want out of YOUR life cuz trying to change her is gonna drive you nuts and won't work anyway.
As far as talking to her about the drug situation, my advice is to wait until she's really hung over and then maybe she'll need your support enough to hear your concerns more clearly.
It's your relationship.. what do you want out of it? Maybe you ARE cramping her style... She's pretty young. I sure want to encourage you to get what YOU want out of YOUR life cuz trying to change her is gonna drive you nuts and won't work anyway.
As far as talking to her about the drug situation, my advice is to wait until she's really hung over and then maybe she'll need your support enough to hear your concerns more clearly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: ATL, GA
Posts: 4
Do you think maybe her best friend and I should talk to her together at the same time?
I'm thinking about that and i was going to suggest it to her friend who is calling me in a few minutes, but i'm afraid my gf will feel we're teaming up on her.
We really only want whats best for her and are looking out for her. She has seen what prolonged use can do.
I'm afraid she maybe only did it a few times, and that i guess i shouldnt get upset about that. Since she is young and we've all tried it. I'm just afraid she will get caught up in it and be stuck.
her new job and her new friends from her job have changed he for the worse. I see it as do many of her friends, but my girlfriend has a tendancy to get...firecly independant i guess you would say.
We are just extremely worried as this behavior of being out late and being wired when she comes home hasn't really changed.
i'm also worried that she drinks every single day. I'm not sure if thats an issue. What do you people think? Is 1 drink a day a problem? What if its, "I need to have this drink before i goto work becuase it helps me do my job better".
I think thats like a warning sign, but i'm so scared to say anything to her for fear of pushign her away further...
thank you though, i am listening and appreciate it
I'm thinking about that and i was going to suggest it to her friend who is calling me in a few minutes, but i'm afraid my gf will feel we're teaming up on her.
We really only want whats best for her and are looking out for her. She has seen what prolonged use can do.
I'm afraid she maybe only did it a few times, and that i guess i shouldnt get upset about that. Since she is young and we've all tried it. I'm just afraid she will get caught up in it and be stuck.
her new job and her new friends from her job have changed he for the worse. I see it as do many of her friends, but my girlfriend has a tendancy to get...firecly independant i guess you would say.
We are just extremely worried as this behavior of being out late and being wired when she comes home hasn't really changed.
i'm also worried that she drinks every single day. I'm not sure if thats an issue. What do you people think? Is 1 drink a day a problem? What if its, "I need to have this drink before i goto work becuase it helps me do my job better".
I think thats like a warning sign, but i'm so scared to say anything to her for fear of pushign her away further...
thank you though, i am listening and appreciate it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: ATL, GA
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by michski
What she's doing to you, coming home late and partying with others is not generally what someone does when they're in a committed relationship. Years ago when I was in the restaurant business I would do a line (or 5) have a drink (or 5) and not get home til 3am ( or 5). I know what I was up to. It sure made my husband miserable but I couldn't stop because I was in that fast restaurant scene and I was an addict, although I didn't think so at the time.
It's your relationship.. what do you want out of it? Maybe you ARE cramping her style... She's pretty young. I sure want to encourage you to get what YOU want out of YOUR life cuz trying to change her is gonna drive you nuts and won't work anyway.
As far as talking to her about the drug situation, my advice is to wait until she's really hung over and then maybe she'll need your support enough to hear your concerns more clearly.
It's your relationship.. what do you want out of it? Maybe you ARE cramping her style... She's pretty young. I sure want to encourage you to get what YOU want out of YOUR life cuz trying to change her is gonna drive you nuts and won't work anyway.
As far as talking to her about the drug situation, my advice is to wait until she's really hung over and then maybe she'll need your support enough to hear your concerns more clearly.
I feel that if she didnt have this job and these influences, this would never happen. Like i said, or may not have said, this isnt her. And i wouldnt be as concerned, but her best friend called me with worries. it set me off a lil ya know...
thank you for your advice, how did you get out of it? how did you get out of thatl ifestyle Mis?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
Hey Ryan,
Yeah, you're right about the job and it's influences. I finally had to give up the restaurant business because I knew I'd be back on drugs and at the bar til it closed like I did so often when my addiction was out of control. It sure can be a stressful job and I felt I really needed to unwind with my co workers at a couple local bars after a hard night's work. It just got out of control for me. I still feel bad for worrying my husband so much.. My drugs and My partying became more important than him and believe me it really hurt our relationship.. I just couldn't stop. I was young and it was fun and I felt like I deserved the party after busting butt all night. But one day I woke up from a particularly evil hangover and went voluntarily into rehab. It was then I realized that using was a vicious circle and unless I was high I was miserable.
I sincerely hope it works out for you and your girl.. it will help to have her friend's help. Showing concern is not nagging.. or policing a person you love. It's honest to God worry and concern and I hope she hears you and realizes that cocaine/booze combo is dangerously addictive.
Yeah, you're right about the job and it's influences. I finally had to give up the restaurant business because I knew I'd be back on drugs and at the bar til it closed like I did so often when my addiction was out of control. It sure can be a stressful job and I felt I really needed to unwind with my co workers at a couple local bars after a hard night's work. It just got out of control for me. I still feel bad for worrying my husband so much.. My drugs and My partying became more important than him and believe me it really hurt our relationship.. I just couldn't stop. I was young and it was fun and I felt like I deserved the party after busting butt all night. But one day I woke up from a particularly evil hangover and went voluntarily into rehab. It was then I realized that using was a vicious circle and unless I was high I was miserable.
I sincerely hope it works out for you and your girl.. it will help to have her friend's help. Showing concern is not nagging.. or policing a person you love. It's honest to God worry and concern and I hope she hears you and realizes that cocaine/booze combo is dangerously addictive.
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