Hi Friends! New Kid On the Board ~
NA Rocks!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Location Location
Posts: 517
Hi Friends! New Kid On the Board ~
It's taken me quite a while to get up the courage to start this post. Thankfully, I've met a very kind member here at SR who has been incredibly supportive and listened to my woes for a few days, giving me the strength to get this started. So thanks friend! 
And thanks to all SR members who've shared their stories, help, and support to others daily. You've all helped me so much. There's such closeness here, such caring support. I needed this very badly, so I'm forever grateful.
Now, as for me ... well, I started like many. I am a wife, mother, and part-time worker. I was a responsible person, kept a nice, clean home, loved to cook dinner, make fun desserts, snuggle with the family and watch TV in the evenings, help at school functions, etc. But underneath my smiley facade, I am an insecure, self-doubting, weak woman. I've always battled slight depression and anxiety, and even took anti-depressants for a few years which seemed to help. One day I decided I didn't need them anymore, so I stopped taking them. But my intense migraine headaches and stomach pains seemed to worsen. I finally sought extensive medical treatment and was put on a regimen of medications. Some made me sick as a dog, others made me sleepy, and one, that one stupid little pill, made me euphoric. I felt good. I was smiling. I felt warm and confident like never before. I could go grocery shopping and smile and hum and look others in the eyes with confidence. I could go to work and chit-chat with people I never felt worthy of speaking with before. I loved the new me!
I began calling into my doctor earlier and earlier in the month for refills. They never denied them, but made sure I stayed on a strict schedule. I thought they were stupid and didn't know what they were talking about *blush* cuz what do they know? They're just doctors and nurses and pharmacists, after all. I'm not an addict, for Pete's sake! Geez! I need these pills! They make my "pain" better. But it wasn't until a few years later, these pills were "helping" a different kind of pain. Not a physical pain I had thought earlier.
The beginning of the end was my discovery of online pharmacies. Ugh! I shudder at the thought now. I joined chronic pain message boards with passion and soon learned everything I needed to know to attain all the Vicodin I ever needed. I had given my credit card number to so many websites, I couldn't keep them straight. I could order #120 Norcos at a time with 3 refills. That'll be great! I'll keep myself in line. Sure I will. Pretty soon I'd sign up at another OP, because that #120 wasn't lasting me long enough. Later I found compounded Vicodin; instead of 10 mgs., they made them in 15 mgs. capsules with less Tylenol. See now, I'm taking care of my liver. How responsible of me! But I'm not a drug addict. No, no. I needed them for my "pain". I'd just developed a tolerance. That's all. I'll taper next week. That's what I'll do. Next week for sure.
Needless to say, "next week" never came. I was in deep. Real deep. I was juggling my life around to accommodate my UPS/FedEx deliveries, calling in sick to work, putting off important errands and things for my family because I couldn't miss my pills. I slowly began to realize I was putting my pills first before everything that used to be important to me. I was obsessed with counting them, keeping stashes all over the house, my car, my closet, my purse. But by the time I truly woke up to the realization that I was in trouble, I couldn't physically stop this drug addiction on my own. I tried and tried and tried so many times in the past few years I can't even count. I had pushed so many friends and family members away, the only person I could turn to was my dear husband, but I knew this would hurt him so deeply. Besides the pills, I had always been very open and honest with him about our marriage. I had to tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness and help. He was amazing and as kind and compassionate as could be. I explained to him what I needed to do as far as finding an addictionologist for help, because I had been on such high doses of narcotics for so many years, and I had failed time and time again trying to stop cold turkey, I needed to try medical intervention. He agreed and listened to my ramblings night after night about trying to find a doctor nearby.
After printing up the Subutex/Suboxone physician locator paperwork for my state and calling around a 50-mile radius from my home, I finally found a doctor with an opening! It wasn't easy. I left messages with many, many doctors offices; some returned my call, some didn't. I had to give up the hopes that our insurance would cover my treatment, because it limited my choices in doctors even that much more. I got myself into this, I had to get myself out.
Unfortunately my doctor couldn't take me for the induction for another week, so I began to taper my doses each day, telling on myself to my husband every time I dosed. I felt if I were honest with him about every time I took my pills, it would help me adhere to the taper schedule. I managed to taper myself from *deep breath* approx. 80 mgs. 5X day (400 mgs. hydrocodone), to 60 mgs. 3-4X day (180-240 mgs.). Might not sound like much to some, but I think it made a big difference in my recovery. I was in a constant state of withdrawal for over a week, which was miserable, but in the meantime, I went to every NA meeting I could. I wanted to share with the group so many nights, but I never felt worthy, since I was still taking the hydro. I wanted to explain to the other NA members, but I knew there'd be time someday soon. I never felt judged or looked down upon by anyone else, either. The people at the meetings are awesome! I've learned so, so, so much from going. Now I'm finding myself looking forward to my meetings, driving there with a smile and brushing up on "Just For Today" before I go.
THE DAY! The day finally came! Friday, June 3, 2005, my doctor's appointment. Unfortunately his office is about 50 miles away, in a crappy town with very scary areas, but nobody promised me this would be easy. I was terrified! I sat in the waiting room of this dark, scary office, a very clandestine and hush-hush place. I filled out the paperwork that was waiting on the chair for me. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. I was sweating like never before. When I finished the paperwork, I flipped the switch on the wall with my doctor's name on it, and soon he opened the door and invited me into his office. I sat in a ball on the couch, crying the entire hour, spilling my secret life of shame to this stranger. He was compassionate and concerned. He explained the treatment process to me and though it sounded terrifying and scary, I felt excited and eager to get started because I knew it meant relief was on its way. He then talked of scheduling my next appointment the following week for my induction. My face fell and jaw dropped. I thought I would start the treatment right away! He said he needed me to be in withdrawals before he could give me the sub. I was so disappointed. I told him I'd be out of pills by the end of the day. I just couldn't wait any longer. He made a few calls and told me to come in the next day (Saturday), but make sure I was in w/d. I went straight from that office visit to an afternoon NA meeting and gathered all the support I could get to give me the courage for the following day's appointment. I loathed my last dose of Vicodin. I didn't want to take it, I knew it wouldn't make me feel good because it was too small of a dose anyway, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I don't want to be in a hydro haze anymore. At 5:00 pm that Friday night (6/3) I took my last pain pill.
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned and felt like I was in w/d by 4:00 a.m. I snapped at my husband and snarled and growled my way around the house while trying to get dressed for my appointment that morning. I painted my face, could barely manage the strength to brush my hair, I kept sweating through my blouse, and crawled to the car. Thank God my husband drove me there, because I just couldn't muster the strength. I was soooo ugly to him, inside and out. I got to my appointment; that awful creepy place. The doctor started me out with 4 mgs. of Suboxone. I sat in his office while the tablets dissolved. Then he gave me a script of #49 Suboxone and said "Get this filled and come back in two hours". We sat in the car for almost the entire two hours calling every pharmacy in town. No one had even heard of suboxone, let alone had it in stock. Not only did I feel like utter crap, but I was getting scared that we wouldn't be able to find the medication. About an hour and a half later, I suddenly realized .... I felt normal. Normal! I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. It was a true miracle! I was determined to find a pharmacy now. I was given a referral from one pharmacy to another and they said "Sure, we had 'this' amount of the 2 mg. and 'that' amount of the 8 mg. See you in a few minutes". They were right down the street from where we were parked. We ran in, they filled the script, we bought a sode, and made it back to my doctor's office just in time. I practically skipped up the three flights up stairs, plopped down on the couch, excitedly explained my physical feelings. The doctor sat in amazement and told me to take another 4 mgs. at 3:00 that afternoon. I chatted with my husband all the way home. I couldn't wait for my next NA meeting! I rested that weekend, letting my body get used to this new treatment, and Monday night I excitedly attended my NA meeting and jumped outta my seat when they asked if anyone had been clean for 24 hrs. to 30 days. I got my "Just For Today" welcome keychain and now wear it with pride. (I do know this is a touchy subject for some who don't consider Sub patients as being "clean" but I know in my heart I am sober ... but that's a discussion for another time.) I am regularly attending meetings and recently joined a women-only meeting where I'm hoping to find a sponser. I just haven't found the one that feels right, ya know what I mean? But I'm gathering phone numbers and hitting as many meetings as I can. I'm finally putting myself out there, instead of sitting quietly, sipping coffee. I'm sharing and reading, and now hang out afterwards for regular chit-chat. I am excited about my new life ahead. I can finally see that things are changing for the better. My kids are teenagers and though they don't know everything, they know some of it, and it's not harmonious and perfect, it's quite stressful and humiliating. They're dealing with anger and resentment, understandably so. I am taking things slowly with them and have humbled myself totally, giving them time and hoping someday soon they'll open their hearts to my recovery and find forgiveness for what I've put my family through. In the meantime, I'm working on me .... one day at a time.
Thank you all for listening. God bless you! And thank you for Sober Recovery Forums!
And thanks to all SR members who've shared their stories, help, and support to others daily. You've all helped me so much. There's such closeness here, such caring support. I needed this very badly, so I'm forever grateful.Now, as for me ... well, I started like many. I am a wife, mother, and part-time worker. I was a responsible person, kept a nice, clean home, loved to cook dinner, make fun desserts, snuggle with the family and watch TV in the evenings, help at school functions, etc. But underneath my smiley facade, I am an insecure, self-doubting, weak woman. I've always battled slight depression and anxiety, and even took anti-depressants for a few years which seemed to help. One day I decided I didn't need them anymore, so I stopped taking them. But my intense migraine headaches and stomach pains seemed to worsen. I finally sought extensive medical treatment and was put on a regimen of medications. Some made me sick as a dog, others made me sleepy, and one, that one stupid little pill, made me euphoric. I felt good. I was smiling. I felt warm and confident like never before. I could go grocery shopping and smile and hum and look others in the eyes with confidence. I could go to work and chit-chat with people I never felt worthy of speaking with before. I loved the new me!
I began calling into my doctor earlier and earlier in the month for refills. They never denied them, but made sure I stayed on a strict schedule. I thought they were stupid and didn't know what they were talking about *blush* cuz what do they know? They're just doctors and nurses and pharmacists, after all. I'm not an addict, for Pete's sake! Geez! I need these pills! They make my "pain" better. But it wasn't until a few years later, these pills were "helping" a different kind of pain. Not a physical pain I had thought earlier.
The beginning of the end was my discovery of online pharmacies. Ugh! I shudder at the thought now. I joined chronic pain message boards with passion and soon learned everything I needed to know to attain all the Vicodin I ever needed. I had given my credit card number to so many websites, I couldn't keep them straight. I could order #120 Norcos at a time with 3 refills. That'll be great! I'll keep myself in line. Sure I will. Pretty soon I'd sign up at another OP, because that #120 wasn't lasting me long enough. Later I found compounded Vicodin; instead of 10 mgs., they made them in 15 mgs. capsules with less Tylenol. See now, I'm taking care of my liver. How responsible of me! But I'm not a drug addict. No, no. I needed them for my "pain". I'd just developed a tolerance. That's all. I'll taper next week. That's what I'll do. Next week for sure.
Needless to say, "next week" never came. I was in deep. Real deep. I was juggling my life around to accommodate my UPS/FedEx deliveries, calling in sick to work, putting off important errands and things for my family because I couldn't miss my pills. I slowly began to realize I was putting my pills first before everything that used to be important to me. I was obsessed with counting them, keeping stashes all over the house, my car, my closet, my purse. But by the time I truly woke up to the realization that I was in trouble, I couldn't physically stop this drug addiction on my own. I tried and tried and tried so many times in the past few years I can't even count. I had pushed so many friends and family members away, the only person I could turn to was my dear husband, but I knew this would hurt him so deeply. Besides the pills, I had always been very open and honest with him about our marriage. I had to tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness and help. He was amazing and as kind and compassionate as could be. I explained to him what I needed to do as far as finding an addictionologist for help, because I had been on such high doses of narcotics for so many years, and I had failed time and time again trying to stop cold turkey, I needed to try medical intervention. He agreed and listened to my ramblings night after night about trying to find a doctor nearby.
After printing up the Subutex/Suboxone physician locator paperwork for my state and calling around a 50-mile radius from my home, I finally found a doctor with an opening! It wasn't easy. I left messages with many, many doctors offices; some returned my call, some didn't. I had to give up the hopes that our insurance would cover my treatment, because it limited my choices in doctors even that much more. I got myself into this, I had to get myself out.
Unfortunately my doctor couldn't take me for the induction for another week, so I began to taper my doses each day, telling on myself to my husband every time I dosed. I felt if I were honest with him about every time I took my pills, it would help me adhere to the taper schedule. I managed to taper myself from *deep breath* approx. 80 mgs. 5X day (400 mgs. hydrocodone), to 60 mgs. 3-4X day (180-240 mgs.). Might not sound like much to some, but I think it made a big difference in my recovery. I was in a constant state of withdrawal for over a week, which was miserable, but in the meantime, I went to every NA meeting I could. I wanted to share with the group so many nights, but I never felt worthy, since I was still taking the hydro. I wanted to explain to the other NA members, but I knew there'd be time someday soon. I never felt judged or looked down upon by anyone else, either. The people at the meetings are awesome! I've learned so, so, so much from going. Now I'm finding myself looking forward to my meetings, driving there with a smile and brushing up on "Just For Today" before I go.
THE DAY! The day finally came! Friday, June 3, 2005, my doctor's appointment. Unfortunately his office is about 50 miles away, in a crappy town with very scary areas, but nobody promised me this would be easy. I was terrified! I sat in the waiting room of this dark, scary office, a very clandestine and hush-hush place. I filled out the paperwork that was waiting on the chair for me. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. I was sweating like never before. When I finished the paperwork, I flipped the switch on the wall with my doctor's name on it, and soon he opened the door and invited me into his office. I sat in a ball on the couch, crying the entire hour, spilling my secret life of shame to this stranger. He was compassionate and concerned. He explained the treatment process to me and though it sounded terrifying and scary, I felt excited and eager to get started because I knew it meant relief was on its way. He then talked of scheduling my next appointment the following week for my induction. My face fell and jaw dropped. I thought I would start the treatment right away! He said he needed me to be in withdrawals before he could give me the sub. I was so disappointed. I told him I'd be out of pills by the end of the day. I just couldn't wait any longer. He made a few calls and told me to come in the next day (Saturday), but make sure I was in w/d. I went straight from that office visit to an afternoon NA meeting and gathered all the support I could get to give me the courage for the following day's appointment. I loathed my last dose of Vicodin. I didn't want to take it, I knew it wouldn't make me feel good because it was too small of a dose anyway, and I had resigned myself to the fact that I don't want to be in a hydro haze anymore. At 5:00 pm that Friday night (6/3) I took my last pain pill.
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned and felt like I was in w/d by 4:00 a.m. I snapped at my husband and snarled and growled my way around the house while trying to get dressed for my appointment that morning. I painted my face, could barely manage the strength to brush my hair, I kept sweating through my blouse, and crawled to the car. Thank God my husband drove me there, because I just couldn't muster the strength. I was soooo ugly to him, inside and out. I got to my appointment; that awful creepy place. The doctor started me out with 4 mgs. of Suboxone. I sat in his office while the tablets dissolved. Then he gave me a script of #49 Suboxone and said "Get this filled and come back in two hours". We sat in the car for almost the entire two hours calling every pharmacy in town. No one had even heard of suboxone, let alone had it in stock. Not only did I feel like utter crap, but I was getting scared that we wouldn't be able to find the medication. About an hour and a half later, I suddenly realized .... I felt normal. Normal! I hadn't felt like that in such a long time. It was a true miracle! I was determined to find a pharmacy now. I was given a referral from one pharmacy to another and they said "Sure, we had 'this' amount of the 2 mg. and 'that' amount of the 8 mg. See you in a few minutes". They were right down the street from where we were parked. We ran in, they filled the script, we bought a sode, and made it back to my doctor's office just in time. I practically skipped up the three flights up stairs, plopped down on the couch, excitedly explained my physical feelings. The doctor sat in amazement and told me to take another 4 mgs. at 3:00 that afternoon. I chatted with my husband all the way home. I couldn't wait for my next NA meeting! I rested that weekend, letting my body get used to this new treatment, and Monday night I excitedly attended my NA meeting and jumped outta my seat when they asked if anyone had been clean for 24 hrs. to 30 days. I got my "Just For Today" welcome keychain and now wear it with pride. (I do know this is a touchy subject for some who don't consider Sub patients as being "clean" but I know in my heart I am sober ... but that's a discussion for another time.) I am regularly attending meetings and recently joined a women-only meeting where I'm hoping to find a sponser. I just haven't found the one that feels right, ya know what I mean? But I'm gathering phone numbers and hitting as many meetings as I can. I'm finally putting myself out there, instead of sitting quietly, sipping coffee. I'm sharing and reading, and now hang out afterwards for regular chit-chat. I am excited about my new life ahead. I can finally see that things are changing for the better. My kids are teenagers and though they don't know everything, they know some of it, and it's not harmonious and perfect, it's quite stressful and humiliating. They're dealing with anger and resentment, understandably so. I am taking things slowly with them and have humbled myself totally, giving them time and hoping someday soon they'll open their hearts to my recovery and find forgiveness for what I've put my family through. In the meantime, I'm working on me .... one day at a time.
Thank you all for listening. God bless you! And thank you for Sober Recovery Forums!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: California
Posts: 972
What an amazing story. Good for YOU! You will be amazed before you are halfway through! And what a wonderful new life you have now that you don't have to be constantly preoccupied with where your "stuff" is going to come from. You are free at last!
You'll be able to get off the sub too.. be sure and include exercise in your recovery regime! Congratulations on your decision to get that monkey off your back!
You'll be able to get off the sub too.. be sure and include exercise in your recovery regime! Congratulations on your decision to get that monkey off your back!
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Time4Change,
You've been holding out on us! LOL. What an amazing and wonderful story!! Thank you so much for sharing that with us...finally! LOL again. I can identify so much with that finding out all about chronic pain. I scammed one doctor for 3 & 1/2 years for just about all the oxycodone I wanted. I really did hurt, but what I didn't realize was that the narcotics KEPT me in pain because my body ceased to produce any endorphins of its own. I had to grit my teeth for a couple of months, but since then I haven't taken anything for pain except Tylenol and ibuprofen!
Thanks again!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
You've been holding out on us! LOL. What an amazing and wonderful story!! Thank you so much for sharing that with us...finally! LOL again. I can identify so much with that finding out all about chronic pain. I scammed one doctor for 3 & 1/2 years for just about all the oxycodone I wanted. I really did hurt, but what I didn't realize was that the narcotics KEPT me in pain because my body ceased to produce any endorphins of its own. I had to grit my teeth for a couple of months, but since then I haven't taken anything for pain except Tylenol and ibuprofen!
Thanks again!
Love and hugs,
Eddie
NA Rocks!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Location Location
Posts: 517
Thank you guys so much, Michski, EddieZ, and Historyteach! You've made my day! Sorry my story is so long (heck, I coulda gone on longer, actually!) LOL! I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all better and becoming good friends. I really feel blessed.
EddieZ, you're on to me, eh?
Must've seen me lurking in the NA section day after day. My lurkin' days are over. Now ya can't get rid a' me!
EddieZ, you're on to me, eh?
Must've seen me lurking in the NA section day after day. My lurkin' days are over. Now ya can't get rid a' me!
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
keep on Keeping On my Friend
Wow you did it, what a relief huh, you should be very proud of yourself. I know that I am very proud of you and what you have accomplished since I have know you LMAO, and for just being you. Just one thing that I might add and I do hate to burst our bubbles LOL but enjoy what you have done today, because from my own experience, and may others here, this too will pass and then as they say in NA you can't save your face and @ss at the same time. You are an insperation to all of us I believe and you have a lot to offer. I do have a sponsor on line and she is just wonderful, she might to you some good, so if you want I will let you know who she is and you know how to get ahold of me LOL. Ok woops I almost said your name LOL short term memorie loss. Thanks welcome to SR. YOUR FRIEND Vic
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Time4Change....WOW, what a totally honest inventory. I was so proud of you when I read that, and truly happy for you.
Congratulations on joining the ranks of the clean and serene. The blessings you will receive in the future far outweigh the feelings from your drugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Love Diana
Congratulations on joining the ranks of the clean and serene. The blessings you will receive in the future far outweigh the feelings from your drugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Love Diana
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: South
Posts: 20
Congratualations! You are awesome. I was addicted to the same, made me laugh (sort of) when you said about your little 'stashes' all over. I did the same thing. God, life is so much better without those pills! I did it with no suboxone, I could not afford it. It was not easy but for me, I needed to know how truly awful w/d was so I would never put myself back in that place again.
Great for you! God bless!!!
Great for you! God bless!!!
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey Time!! Welcome and thank you for your amazing post. I could relate to alot of what you said, even though pills haven't really been my drug of choice. It doesn't really matter, because an addict is an addict is an addict. Congratulations to you on starting your new life!!!!
Hugs--
Hugs--
No expectations!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,732
Originally Posted by Time4Change
EddieZ, you're on to me, eh? Must've seen me lurking in the NA section day after day.
Must've seen me lurking in the NA section day after day. Now keep it up! LOL.
Love and hugs,
Eddie
JUST DO IT!!
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Here Or There
Posts: 7,612
hey just thought I would let you know that you are wonderful, don't let anyone tell you differant. I am grateful that you are doing the deal and that you continue to work and live the program. I am honored to have you as my friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
You are a very gifted writer -- I read your story all the way through, and even though I have no experience with this drug I felt as though you captured the essence of dependency very eloquently.
Stories like this help all those other lurkers, so please keep posting. And welcome to SR!
Don S
Stories like this help all those other lurkers, so please keep posting. And welcome to SR!
Don S
I'm so glad I found this group! You guys are so friendly and welcoming. Thanks again for the kind words.NA Rocks!
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Location Location
Posts: 517
Hi bfree4u! Thank you for the kind words. I wish you all the best in your quest for sobriety. I hope we can help you.
It was exciting to see this old thread brought up today. I re-read it this afternoon and it really makes me feel good to see that I'm starting to make progress, with the help of NA, Suboxone therapy, and all the wonderful members of SR. I love you guys! Today is Day 75! I feel better than ever, and I've become quite active with my NA group. My women's group waived clean time and voted me in as treasurer. I'm really happy about that! And from time to time I'll be coffee maker in the evenings. I found a sponser and am close to finishing Step One. I make it a point to always volunteer to do one of the readings at my nightly NA meetings. I'm starting to make so many friends there, and now I'm hanging out afterwards and chatting a bit. I'm grateful for all the tools NA has given me, too. It's very helpful in my relationship with my husband, family, children, work associates, etc. It's not all perfect and happy and wonderful, but I think it's the best I can make it, given the circumstances. I've put my family through hell and have done a lot of damage. It's going to take a long time, maybe forever, to own what I've done and make things better. Thankfully, God never gave up on me! And neither did you guys ..... thank you!
So, basically that's my update from when I first started until now. Thanks for listening.
It was exciting to see this old thread brought up today. I re-read it this afternoon and it really makes me feel good to see that I'm starting to make progress, with the help of NA, Suboxone therapy, and all the wonderful members of SR. I love you guys! Today is Day 75! I feel better than ever, and I've become quite active with my NA group. My women's group waived clean time and voted me in as treasurer. I'm really happy about that! And from time to time I'll be coffee maker in the evenings. I found a sponser and am close to finishing Step One. I make it a point to always volunteer to do one of the readings at my nightly NA meetings. I'm starting to make so many friends there, and now I'm hanging out afterwards and chatting a bit. I'm grateful for all the tools NA has given me, too. It's very helpful in my relationship with my husband, family, children, work associates, etc. It's not all perfect and happy and wonderful, but I think it's the best I can make it, given the circumstances. I've put my family through hell and have done a lot of damage. It's going to take a long time, maybe forever, to own what I've done and make things better. Thankfully, God never gave up on me! And neither did you guys ..... thank you!
So, basically that's my update from when I first started until now. Thanks for listening.
Body,Mind & Soul in that order
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Royal Oak,MI
Posts: 84
Time4Change!!!!
Your story was mine, exactly! I too am a mother wife & work. The scheduling life around the ups/fed ex deliveries with stomach cramps & sweat I know all to well.
I began my recovery April 25, had almost 100 days clean & ..... I relapsed, we had a flood in our home, we had to move immediatly due to sewage(unsafe). I really tought I was strong enough to get it done quickly,but...I'm sure you know the drill,if I had about 30 pills,just 30, I could have us packed, moved, unpacked, pictures hung & beds made in a weekends time.
I took the pills & did exactly that,(beds made & all) It was real easy to rationalize taking those pills, my family was shocked at how quickly their home had come together. I was even able to make a fantasic Italian feast in my new kitchen the 2nd eveing we were here!!!!
That Monday the self-loathing I felt was almost unbearable.
You'll be pleased to know I really learned a good lesson & have literally thrown myself back into my recovery program hardcore & headfirst.
You are my new hero/mentor and am so happy to see another woman w/the same story of success! Do all of us a huge favor & keep posting. I loved your writing style also.
Have you thought of attending the meetings here @ SR? There is a schedule posted. I try to attend them as much as possible. I'll be there tonite and would love to chat w/you.
I'm clapping my hands & stomping my feet in your honor!!! You go sister!!!
Much love,
Blue
Your story was mine, exactly! I too am a mother wife & work. The scheduling life around the ups/fed ex deliveries with stomach cramps & sweat I know all to well.
I began my recovery April 25, had almost 100 days clean & ..... I relapsed, we had a flood in our home, we had to move immediatly due to sewage(unsafe). I really tought I was strong enough to get it done quickly,but...I'm sure you know the drill,if I had about 30 pills,just 30, I could have us packed, moved, unpacked, pictures hung & beds made in a weekends time.
I took the pills & did exactly that,(beds made & all) It was real easy to rationalize taking those pills, my family was shocked at how quickly their home had come together. I was even able to make a fantasic Italian feast in my new kitchen the 2nd eveing we were here!!!!
That Monday the self-loathing I felt was almost unbearable.
You'll be pleased to know I really learned a good lesson & have literally thrown myself back into my recovery program hardcore & headfirst.
You are my new hero/mentor and am so happy to see another woman w/the same story of success! Do all of us a huge favor & keep posting. I loved your writing style also.
Have you thought of attending the meetings here @ SR? There is a schedule posted. I try to attend them as much as possible. I'll be there tonite and would love to chat w/you.
I'm clapping my hands & stomping my feet in your honor!!! You go sister!!!
Much love,
Blue
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