i need someone to talk to
married2addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: shelbyville ky
Posts: 3
i need someone to talk to
Hello, this is my first time doing this so please bear with me. I have a secret.
i am 36 years old. i have been married for 15 years. i have 3 kids. everyone pretty much knows my husband has a drinking problem, but no one knows about his cocaine addiction. at least once a week he takes a large amount of money out of the bank, does his cocaine, feel terrible the next day, and promise not to do it again. i don't tell any of my friends or family because i am so ashamed. when he is sober he is a wonderful person and we get along great. he hates the drug problem and really wants to quit that, but he doesn't see that alcohol is a problem. last week he did great, he came home from work as soon as he got off everyday, except for last night. i'm tired of this rollercoaster.
i am 36 years old. i have been married for 15 years. i have 3 kids. everyone pretty much knows my husband has a drinking problem, but no one knows about his cocaine addiction. at least once a week he takes a large amount of money out of the bank, does his cocaine, feel terrible the next day, and promise not to do it again. i don't tell any of my friends or family because i am so ashamed. when he is sober he is a wonderful person and we get along great. he hates the drug problem and really wants to quit that, but he doesn't see that alcohol is a problem. last week he did great, he came home from work as soon as he got off everyday, except for last night. i'm tired of this rollercoaster.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SoberRecovery. You have come to a good place where you have no need to ever feel ashamed and where you will find many who have been where you are and would love to meet you and share their experience, strength and hope with you.
My son is an addict and I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves, and how much it affects the family as a whole.
Take a scroll down a few forums to the Nar-Anon board, and read some of the posts there and especially the "sticky" posts at the top of that board. Lots of good information that may help you find some answers to how you can learn to live well again, regardless of how he is.
You have taken a huge step by reaching out, and I hope you will find the love and support you are looking for here.
Glad you joined us.
Hugs
Ann
My son is an addict and I know the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves, and how much it affects the family as a whole.
Take a scroll down a few forums to the Nar-Anon board, and read some of the posts there and especially the "sticky" posts at the top of that board. Lots of good information that may help you find some answers to how you can learn to live well again, regardless of how he is.
You have taken a huge step by reaching out, and I hope you will find the love and support you are looking for here.
Glad you joined us.
Hugs
Ann
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((married)))
Welcome to SR!
You've come to a great place to get the support you need while dealing with the addictions your husband has. I urge you to go over to the naranon and the friends and family of alcoholics board, and read the stickies there. You will learn alot and find really useful information for your life.
Like the 3 Cs. You didn't cause his alcohol and drug use; you can't control it and you can't cure it. That work belongs to him. By keeping his secret, you feel shame, and you also enable him to continue. As Jon says, we can enable them right into the grave, if we're not careful. He has to take the consequences of his behavior for him to learn that his alcohol and drug use are harmful.
I would, however, lock up the bank account. Too many of our members here have watched everything go up their addicts nose, into their arms or swallowed. You need to protect yourself and your children.
This is a family sickness. Other's pay the penalty for the addicts choices. That is why we need to learn how to take care of what is ours to own. Let the addict take care of what s/he owns.
Please know, I say this all with love and understanding. My son is a heroin addict; my ex husband a gambler. It took me a very long time to understand MY part in thier addictions. The roles we play in the family sickness.
I'm still learning. But, already, my life is better because of the steps I have taken to live my own life.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery!
Shalom!
Welcome to SR!
You've come to a great place to get the support you need while dealing with the addictions your husband has. I urge you to go over to the naranon and the friends and family of alcoholics board, and read the stickies there. You will learn alot and find really useful information for your life.
Like the 3 Cs. You didn't cause his alcohol and drug use; you can't control it and you can't cure it. That work belongs to him. By keeping his secret, you feel shame, and you also enable him to continue. As Jon says, we can enable them right into the grave, if we're not careful. He has to take the consequences of his behavior for him to learn that his alcohol and drug use are harmful.
I would, however, lock up the bank account. Too many of our members here have watched everything go up their addicts nose, into their arms or swallowed. You need to protect yourself and your children.
This is a family sickness. Other's pay the penalty for the addicts choices. That is why we need to learn how to take care of what is ours to own. Let the addict take care of what s/he owns.
Please know, I say this all with love and understanding. My son is a heroin addict; my ex husband a gambler. It took me a very long time to understand MY part in thier addictions. The roles we play in the family sickness.
I'm still learning. But, already, my life is better because of the steps I have taken to live my own life.
I hope to see you here often as we both grow in our recovery!
Shalom!
married2addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: shelbyville ky
Posts: 3
years ago he had a problem with crack he would pawn everything he got his hands on. somehow he beat it. life got better, he got a really good job, we bought a nice home, everything was looking up. life was great. now he is starting to go down that road again. i just don't know if i can go with him this time. i know what is ahead. i remember, and i am so scared. i love him so much but sometimes i actually dream of what it would be like without him. i don't drink. i take my kids to church every week. i don't deserve this. HOW DID I END UP IN THIS MARRIAGE. i never planned to be married to an addict.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Sadly enough, married, none of us do plan to have the addict in our lives. My ex was not a gambler when we married. It came about years later. I left him after 24 years of marriage, and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.
I never invisioned my son being an addict. He just turned 25 - while in jail. Again. If I COULD cure him, I would! But, sadly, I cannot. It is entirely up to him to change his behaviors and take care of his problem.
You do NOT deserve this. None of us do.
And what you want is entirely up to you to achieve. The ball is in your court for your life.
Take care; come here often and perhaps go to some f2f meetings. The support is awesome as we go through this sometimes rockey road of recovery.
Shalom!
I never invisioned my son being an addict. He just turned 25 - while in jail. Again. If I COULD cure him, I would! But, sadly, I cannot. It is entirely up to him to change his behaviors and take care of his problem.
You do NOT deserve this. None of us do.
And what you want is entirely up to you to achieve. The ball is in your court for your life.
Take care; come here often and perhaps go to some f2f meetings. The support is awesome as we go through this sometimes rockey road of recovery.
Shalom!
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