wantneeda

When I was drinking and waking up sooooo sick, my only thoughts were about my hangover...trying to remember what i did the night before...water...and my next drink, the hair of the dog that bit me so to speak....

I woke up this morning and one of my first thoughts was a memory of my grade 11 math teacher...I always hated math...i' flunked and was taking math over again with a different teacher. The teacher i had when i flunked was just ....well...we had screaming matches...But this new teacher was so much fun...comical....made the class fun and it made me want to go!!

I got an 80 something average in that class. So I've been thinking about life and how it is what we make of it. Its up to me to make it fun...or not. I'm as happy as I make up my mind to be right?!

I wonder if its my HP speaking to me when I wake and have these thoughts for no other aparant reason. I'm going to start journaling my first thoughts of the day.

The fact that I am waking and thinking positive thoughts...wow...thats amazing.

Understand dualites

"Life is the coexistence of all opposite values. Joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, up and down, hot and cold, here and there, light and darkness, birth and death. All experience is by contrast, and one would be meaningless without the other."

-- Deepak Chopra

Life is full of dualities, opposites. Despite their apparent opposition, each extreme in a duality is necessary to fully actualize the other. Each depends on the existence of the other. For example, we cannot know honesty if we don’t know deception.

The key is to not resist or suppress the negative. We need to acknowledge its existence, though we may choose not to express it. When we embrace wholeness, we move to a higher perspective.

"The light which man has discovered within himself makes him more aware of the dark; through the good which attracts him, he sees the evil which is the line of least resistance; the activity leading to pain simultaneously permits him to visualize the contrasting pleasure, and thus he experiences something of both hell and heaven."
-- Aart Jurriaanse

This is from Higher Awareness, that is sent to my e-mail everyday. Thought i'd share it. I really like that last part.

so, my legal deal, comes about on Monday...i'm getting nervous about it all. But then again i've been nervous about it for a long time, now i'm finally doing something about it. Gotta walk through the fear to get to the other side right? Like that song...can't go over it..can't go over it...can't go under it..can't go under it..gotta go through it...gotta go through it.
If i gotta sit in a jail cell for an hour or two...hopefully that's all!!! Then thats what i gotta do. I just got a call froim my ex...i guess i'll be getting a letter in the mail from a lawyer...sigh...things i thougt were ok now...guess he doesn;t think so. I think he's scared that my youngest daughter is thinking of living with me. Ialready owe 13,000 from the last time...i so wish he'd get a grip!!

A note on that young man who tryed committing suicide...he's out of the hospital now and apparently doesn't plan on giving up ecstacy...sigh...says that that wasn't the problem. I'm powerless. Its so sad.

My mom is getting along for now...she tries to keep herself busy.. Her next doc app isn't untill July 27th so just playing the waiting game..i guess she's doing lots of cross stitch these days...even one for me. I'm excited to hang it on my wall. Since i lived on the streets pretty much for 3 years in active addiction...i lost all my material possessions...not to mention spiritual...anyways i've come a long way since then. My daughter and I love our new apartment. I have what I need and that's what counts.

I had 2 days off work this week and in those 2 days i went to 5 meetings! My daughter came to one with me..at our detox center here. Because of my addiction she's been thinking alot about her own life. That night after she came to the meeting with me she said "Mom?....I don't want to drink anymore." !!!!!!!!!! I had the biggest smile on my face!!! She's only 16, I'm so grateful for AA and even my disease. I never understood why people at meetings introduced themselves as GRATEFUL alcoholics...lol. Today I'm one of them I remember too when i first started going to meetings and wondered when i saw so many longtimers....jeez they have to keep coming to meetings for this long?...they still crave after all that time? It was disheartening...at the time...only after some time in the program have I come to understand why they still go.

I think sometimes...if only...i could have had a glimpse of where i was to go and been subjected to the program when i was as young as my daughter...but really i'm just grateful that i'm here today and that my HP showed me the way at all!! Hanging on with all the fervor of a drowning woman to the life preserver i've been thrown.

And hey, if my only purpose in my lifetime is to stop the cycle in my family of addiction. I'm ok with that...today anyways. Been reading a pretty good book these days called Disappointment with God. By Phillip Yancey. Some really insightful things. What has stuck out the most is that He has a plan...he knows where i am to be, what I am to be, but not how I am to get there, not every step of the way, thats the work that i must do. He hands back to me what is mine.

Rain, cloud or shine it really is a beautiful day, I have friends i"m grateful for and a program that is teaching me to live. What else could i possibly want right now?

Have a beautiful day my friends. Stay safe and smilin'!! \\// Wendy

BaBa OReiley

good stuff isn't it!

2dayzmuse

Thank you Wendy. I will. The same to you.

What a way to start the day. With a clear head and a clean slate. My first cognizant thoughts of the day were horrible, back in my drinking days. The guilt the remorse, panic. Trying to remember what it was I had done and what I needed to do to clean up the wreckage. I never really could clean up the wreckage, but in my sick mind I thought I was. My next thought was how to get my hands on my next drink. If I had planned ahead, there would be a supply left hidden somewhere. If I had drank it all, I was on a mission to get more. I'm glad those days are over. I look forward to the start of a new day. It offers so much potential. Before, it brought only remorse and hopelessness. I choose to wake up to a day filled with great potential not doom and gloom. My choice.

wantneeda

tomorrow is the day...i';m so nervous for this court and jail thing.....all for 1/2 a joint.....got a charge for possession under 30 grams....that dang wreckage of the past.
My tummy's in knots...........nope...pot isn't legal in canada!!
i will survive, i promise i'll go and not duck out ,
if i don't feel a pinch then i wouldnt feel a kiss.

In memory of miracle

Keep the faith.All will be well.