lifeseeker

Hi,
I knew the bottom was going to fall out eventually and here it is.
LIFE SUCKS!
I am so angry right now, and I want to drink, but knwo that's not an option at this point. I just feel like blowing up and am staying home tonight by myself if it freaking kills me and NOT drinking.
Why I want to drink is over something totally stupid. It's cuz my mom said she'd phone and she didn't and this is the 2nd day in a row she hasn't.
This is really really hurting me inside. I should be sad, but I'm just mad. She told me she'd phone on tuesday night and she didn't, and now I'm freaking out inside!!
She is supposed to be the responsible one, she has my daughter. If she didn't have her, I don't think I'd even think twice about the phone call, but she has her! I feel like I'm not important. I feel really angry, because she knows I can't phone her at the moment. She knows how much it hurts me to be away from her right now. I thought she'd follow through, and maybe I haven't in the past, but I thought she was here to help me? Does she just think that I don't care? I'm just so sad. I guess that's where I get the anger from, I don't know. I even went to a meeting tonight, talked about it and everything. It put it in perspective for a bit, but this is the first real bump in the road I've hit. I'm trying so hard to stay away from that first drink, and right now I just want this feeling to go away. I just want it to go away.
I don't even know what to do now, I've got a big headache now. I just don't understand what this is all about. I was doing good, then life steps in and hands me a great big yucky feeling. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I feel like I could scream or something. Gosh this is stupid. I just don't know.
Sorry for venting, but I just don't know what else to do right now. Drinking is not an option for me. I can't live that way anymore. I need something that can help me get through this with my dignity intact, and I know if I drink, that'll be gone before the first bottle is gone.
Please please let this pass soon, before I go completely nuts.

CDr55

You are definitely being a very strong person. No offense, but I think your mom is acting like a total ass.

Anna

Hi Life,

Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation. Obviously you feel let down by your mother and you are very upset. But, you are absolutely right that drinking will not only help the matter, it will make it worse. Hang in there.

Anna

Andy F

Hi

In your situation I would get a pen and paper and write down three positive things about your mom.

Cathy31

I know TOTALLY how you feel - for me being hurt by family members/let down is a MAJOR trigger to drink. IN fact it happened last night! My dad and I get on really really well but whenever my older sister is in the equation she just takes over! ANyway I was on the pohone to him (from 6,000 miles away) and she was there and he was totally distracted and hardly listening to my story. Anyway cut a long story short I felt so insulted and hurt! Said goodbye (ie you are obv not interested good bye) and felt so upset! I know it seems petty in relation to your problem, but I honestly felt hurt to the QUICK. You know the way they say we stop maturing the minute we start abusing alcohol/drugs well I am 31 now and I felt like an abandoned 3 year old!!!! I WAS SO ANGRY!

Anyway, thank God I went to a meeting...it really helped and also I prayed about it - HARD. Then of course I got a flurry of messages and phone calls seeing if I was alright and explaiing the situation, and I was helped to see that in actual fact my immaturity re having to always be the centre of attention was ludicrous. But I proimse you as ludicrous as it may sound I felt just like you did!!! HURT TO THE QUICK AND SO ANGRY AND HEADING FOR A BOTTLE OF WINE!

So, what helped me...praying, and going to a meeting...there is always someone worse off you know? eg last night the chair spoke of how he used to be abused (sexually) and beaten up by his dad.

Boy, did I feel like a spoilt brat having been so upset that I hadn't got enough ATTENTION. So that helped alot.

Hope you are feeling better today? A very wise lady here, CArolD, said recently - for 3 weeks or something, she would go down on her knees and pray for the person who had hurt her and as hard as it was it helped.

I hope your mom phones soon.
Love
CAthy31
x

Cathy31

Sorry if I have missed something...but are you not able to phone her? Does she have to be the one to phone? Just checking?
Hope you are feeling better today - you did great keeping away from the first one!
Well done
Cathy31
x

lifeseeker

Mornin',

My phone rang around 10:30 last night. It was her...nearly one of the first things she did was explain herself. She's been busy. I have issues apparently, cuz that didn't cut it for me at the time. Though the instant after she said hello, I got to hear my little beans voice on the other end of the phone line! It just took away all the crap that was going through my head. That's all that I wanted. I have never been away from her, and a daily call would be nice, but my mom is a busy person. She is a foster parent, with four small children and four others she's keeping till they are 18.
I'm leaving my mom at that till after I talk to my counsellor this a.m. I think I am being a brat considering this situation. Don't know for sure, but I'm going to find out. Terribly hurt for sure, considering the fact I hate being away from my daughter and never really have.
OH boy, hugely mixed emotions over this. I didn't drink though, and that's all that matters to me this morning. I'm so happy about this that you cannot even imagine. It slowly dissipated to nothing overnight. Something that shouldn't cause such a problem. I imagine that I'm going to run into these situations again and again. I NEED to learn how to deal with them better. I was closer than I thought I'd ever be to drinking again, and I'm just beginning! It's only day 12 for me. Not just only, it IS day 12 for me. I almost lost it last night. The embarassment of her phoning after me flipping out is a whole lot easier to swallow than the feelings I know I would feel if I had drank. That's the bottom line right now.
Wow, I'm one messed up cookie. I think I'll change my screen name to that.
One more day sober, thank you god, thank you sober24 and I'll leave it at that.
PHEW!

CAPTAINZING2000

Don't know all your story heere but, like Cathy said, you can call her. Were you working? Why was your girl at your mother's house?

Does your mother have reason to believe you to be not responsible. When, we drink and use, we display all kinds of bad behavior. we have to build trust up again.

Your mohter should have called. She is human, you didn't drink. If, your daughter is getting good care, there are other issues that are worse than this.

You never did say why your mother has your daughter.

lifeseeker

Hi again,
You're right, I didn't mention that. I tend to leave holes in most everything I talk about.

My mom & dad stepped in a little while ago. April 3rd I believe. I went to visit, they confronted me about my alcoholism, I went into detox, under the agreement that they would keep her while I was there. When I got out, we talked about how I could get a solid footing in sobriety. I told her I could do the 90 mtgs in 90 days. She asked me if she could help me by keeping her with her for this period of time. I agreed. She keeps telling me over and over again that I should just focus on myself, not to worry about my daughter, just take this time to learn how to be a sober person. Get my help that I need, etc etc. She really does mean well. Among other things, my life had become quite unmanageable. Especially financially. My mother told me to take care of that as well, and I've done this. Well, after the last cheque is cashed tomorrow it'll be done. If I'd had to pay babysitting on top of this, it wouldn't be. So she's doing that for me too. Not paying my bills, but saving me from having to pay babysitting on top of it all.
So, there you have it. She's saving my butt big time. She really is trying to help me, I just got all out of whack there last night. I'm trying desperately to do the right thing right now. I just have to think about what is really important right now.
I need to find out how to deal with the life stuff...
maybe my addictions counsellor has an idea of how I might start doing this.
speaking of which, I need to get into the shower, or be late.

ChrisMan

lifeseeker,

So happy to hear that you are sober -- and after that very difficult night! I hope you have a good talk with your counselor. Mine helps me a lot -- family issues are a big thing for most of us when it comes to triggering our addiction.

Hang in there!

ChrisMan

tenK

Hi Lifeseeker,

I had a (generally) similar situation recently. Someone I really cared about was with someone else, outside of my "realm". I had trouble getting information about the situation, and in that void, my mind created all sorts of negative scenerios about what could be going on. As time went on, I went into a total tailspin and almost FREAKED OUT. Then everyone connected and it all faded away. (I am still angry that a 2-minute phone call could have saved me days of mental anguish.)

But, I think it goes back to the "grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change" part of the AA chant.