brokenheart

I am really looking for opinions from those who've been in my son's place, but those who've been in my place are welcome too.

He is 20. He is in jail (along with his wife) on multiple drug charges. Arraignment was today, but trial date was set for December 5, which makes no sense to me. His bond was reduced from $100,000 to $30,000.

He and his wife were terribly disappointed when we (both families) decided not to bond them out. We feel they are much safer where they are rather than back out in the same environment where they got hooked on drugs in the first place. They were both using Meth by injection plus whatever other drugs were available.

They are promising the moon if we will just get them out. They can work and pay back some of their expenses and past due bills and maxed out credit cards. They will take a drug test every single day. They just want to be with their 10 month old baby and prove to everyone that they can stay clean and do what's right.

We left them today with everyone in tears.

Now, we are searching for a rehab facility that will give them the help they need. They are addicts and need help to get themselves back to where they need to be, but the sheriff says they are better off in county jail than in rehab. They have been in jail three weeks, and staying till Dec. is a scary thought. Plus we have heard that drugs are available to them in jail too. I do know that xanax is available and that my son has had a few of them since he's been locked up. I told him that he must be able to cope with jail and whatever else life has to offer without turning to a pill before he can start to recover.

They are also getting visitors from people that we had rather they had no contact with.

So what about rehab? Is it worth it? Does it work? They have no insurance, so the parents are going to have to foot the bill. Should they be in rehab in the same facility, or is it better to separate them? I have found one that is structured around discipline and hard work. They can go there without being bonded out of jail with the stipulation that if they mess up, they do some prison time. The parents pay the first month's fees of almost $3000, then they have to work and earn their keep for the rest of their stay (up to 18 months) and the money they have left over, can be sent home to pay on their bills. They also are not allowed back in their hometown area until their case is closed. That helps prevent contact with old running buddies during their rehab. time.

You guys have been there. What do you suggest?

findinganewme

WOW! Firstly, let me say how sorry I am for the nightmare you are living!

I, by some MIRACLE, have never ended up in jail. However, it wasn't until I had a close call with the law (only 3 weeks ago) that I realized how seriously addicted I was/am. Even though I cannot recall much of that night (black outs), I remember the officer saying to me "m'am, do you know you might have killed yourself ... or someone else." Through some grace of God I was allowed to walk away from the scene without even a ticket ... although my car was impounded .... with just a concerned officer telling me to get help and not ever drink and drive. Don't know if he felt sorry for me or he was tired of listening to my pleas for him not to give me a ticket .... as I knew that meant jail and the worst part would have been to have to explain that to my teenage daughters!

I was on my way to seeing my *dealer* .... someone I called *a friend* who was introduced to me by my alcoholic *love* .... I'm no longer with him.

After that night, I told myself that in order to stop my dangerous lifestyle and recover from this, I had do CUT ALL TIES from those people in my life that were drinkers/users. The truth is that when you surround yourself with people who have their own problems with addiction, and don't want to stop, then you are subjecting yourself to TEMPTATION, which is hard to avoid when the substances are present and no one has control over it and just wants to party and use.

I know I sound cold, but I have come to know my weaknesses with my addictions. So, I can understand why you would rather NOT he have visitors like that. I know your son and daughter-n-law *think* they're *FRIENDS* ... and it took me a long time to recognize this myself .... BUT .... if they were true friends they would not sell this stuff to them. I'm not judging their friends. I just know that, in my case, I must cut off all ties or I will NEVER recover!

When you said .... "I told him that he must be able to cope with jail and whatever else life has to offer without turning to a pill before he can start to recover." a big part of me (the rational side) would like to agree with you ... and in realistic terms that is what should happen, I just know that it is hard to STOP all addictions at once. I believe that even in a detox (rehab) center, they ween you off by substituting another substance (anti-anxiety meds) so that the withdrawal is easier .... and SAFER! Safer is the key word. It can be extremely dangerous to stop abruptly (know through experience). BUT, since they are in jail, I don't know that they'd have a choice. I'm also shocked that they can get their hands on drugs while incarcerated. I'm quite naive, I guess.

I think they would certainly benefit from rehab; but, THEY MUST WANT IT or you may be throwing your money away and they will not benefit from rehab. I don't know whether they'd allow a married couple in the same facility and I would assume that it would be best if they didn't go together, but I would leave that up to the professionals to decide.

This must be breaking your heart ... especially with a 10-month-old grandchild. I'm so sorry.

I can only hope that they wake up soon realizing the pain they are putting their family through. That won't truly happen until they are willing to admit they have a problem. It took me 3 years to admit that to myself.

Don't know what help I've been to you ... just thought I'd share a little.

Wishing you peace!!!!!

Maria

brokenheart

Oh Maria,
Please, share, share, share. Right now, I need all the sharing I can get, and prayers too.

I don't know, but can only imagine, what addiction is like for them. I just know that xanax is addictive, and I want him to be strong enough to make it without it. It does seem realistic to me. I hurt so badly for him and his wife. I think it is the helplessness that I feel that worries me the most. I want to be able to DO something. I want to make them well and bring their little family back together.

You did help. What he tells me may or may not be the truth. He may be manipulating me to get what he wants, but in here, you guys can tell me like it really is, and I know you have nothing to gain by deceiving me.

Thanks so much!!

findinganewme

I'm so glad I helped.

I can't imagine what you're going through. I do know what I've put my family through. When I drank I could not see what it was doing to my family. Even after my teenage daughter, through tears, said to me *mom, do you want to be remembered as being an alcoholic* ... I still did not stop .... I couldn't .... my addiction(s) had (and might still have) a VERY STRONG grasp on me.

I have lost and alienated almost EVERYONE in my family. While I was addicted (and I'm far from recovery ... but working hard at it) I couldn't see what I was doing to everyone .... and selfishly, I DIDN'T CARE. Now, that I'm thinking clearly .... without the booze fogging my mind .... and my heart .... it's very painful to know I'm alone because no one will believe me any more! I'm determined to work as hard as I have to in order to regain their respect and faith in me. It will take time.

I'm sure you feel VERY helpless. Without sounding like I'm making excuses for my addiction, I felt helpless while trying to help my alcoholic love (too old to use the term *boyfriend*). I thought I could help .... I thought I could CHANGE him. I was WRONG! Instead, I became an addict.

You know, I don't know whether it's a curse or a blessing that they are both together in this. I know that sounds horrible. They are in this together and hopefully when they decide and commit to recovery they with understand what they other is experiencing. Hopefully it will be a good support system for each other.

Yes, xanax is highly addictive. I refused to believe that, as well, because it was prescribed by a doctor. But like any other addictive substance, one can sometimes over-use because that's what addicts do. If one works, great .... but, gee, I wonder if two ... or three .... will make it MUCH BETTER! Xanax is also a TOUGH withdrawal, so I would try to have it monitored by a physician.

GOD, I will pray for you!

Maria

pedagogue

Does the prison/jail have any sort of rehab program? My gut instinct would be to leave them incarcerated IF they have a program. If they do not have a program...I'd consider an outside one. The program you mentioned above seemed very reasonable (as rehab goes). $3000 is still a great deal of money.....at least it isn't $5000+...which I have also seen.

I would be very hesitant to ever suggest substituting a drug for another drug....but I"m not a physician....so I'll leave the medication up to them. (I know in some instances another drug is necessary)

I hope more people come in and share their stories.

-pedagogue

brokenheart

Thank you again Maria, Prayers are a blessing.

I am thankful that you have made a choice that has led you on the road to recovery. I pray that you have the strength to do what is needed each day to remain sober. I also pray that you never have to suffer through a child's addiction. Yours is of your own doing to yourself, but when it is your child, you also feel responsible, except that it is not something you did to yourself, but something you did (or didn't do) that enabled your child to become an addict.

You have a good, healthy attitude. You are a strong person, and I believe in you. You will overcome this.

I can understand why your friends and family may not believe you. Although I wanted very badly to believe my son and daughter-in-law today, I could not. I do believe that they sincerely meant what they said and believed it in their heart when they said they wanted to show us they could do the right thing and would never touch another drug. But I also believe that, unfortunately, sometimes the craving for the drug is stronger than their conviction, and they are too new to being off drugs--only 3 wks.--and that by force, not by choice.

Keep hanging in there. You will have another day behind you each day you go to bed sober and another day to be thankful for each day you wake up sober.

Kahlia

I am very sorry to hear that your son and daughter-in-law are both in jail...it is called "hitting bottom". That means they have gone as far as they can go....no more BS. I agree that if the jail has a rehab program, they should stay there. They Should NOT go into rehab together....too many issues that they both need to work out. They do need support and I know that when I decided to STOP the insanity, I had little. Not because nobody cared, I just was so addicted that I didn't care....we tend to isolate ourselves.....you say they have been clean about 3 weeks-that is a start. it is better than 2. I cannot tell you what to do but search your heart and pray about this decision. Money is NOT everything and if it will help their lives, it would be worth it, if they have to go into private rehab. As far as trust, you cannot trust an addict that is using or wants to use.....they have to WANT to stop. I mean REALLY want to. going through rehab would help find out that, they can pick off a BS"er like a laser......I was in Rehab with a girl that was hiding from the police-she had 3 warrants for her arrest....they could not tell the police she was there...confidentiality...she did come out of rehab and there were the police. It all catches up with you, one way or the other....peace to you and I hope you find the answer you are looking for......Kahlia

findinganewme

Dear Brokenheart .....

NO, I'm not strong, or I would have NEVER found myself in this situation; and it was only after I lost the respect of someone I love dearly just recently that caused me to finally see the light .... she stopped speaking to me, and it hurts badly .... very very badly. It is my sister. Somehow, all the others didn't seem to hurt or matter as much .... until now! I am trying to be *thankful* .... but SOMETIMES even that is hard.

I think you from the bottom of my heart for your belief in me and for your prayers, as well!

I hope that VERY SOON you find peace and have your family back together again. I can't begin to imagine how heart-breaking this must be for you!

I too have only been in this recovery stage for a few short weeks, and although it may sound like I'm making excuses or taking your son and daughter-in-law's side, I just know first hand what they are feeling and the horror of discovering our addictions and trying to get those we love to BELIEVE in us and TRUST us again. I can only pray that I, along with your kids (I'm sure you love your daughter-in-law like your own) find the strength to overcome this and stay on track!

I know you wanted to believe them badly! I believe that's why I can understand those that I have alienated. I didn't see that until now. They, too, wanted to believe in themselves, but sometimes the HOLD that these addictions have on us is stronger than our good intentions.

You keep hanging in there (here) as well. If somehow listening to someone's history/story that has been there gives you some insight to what they are experiencing you will be better equipped to help them because you will understand the addiction better. I only wish my family were open to trying to understand the same! They just think I just be able to overcome my addiction easily, quickly, and on my own. IT JUST DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY .... I wish it did!

You, my friend, are the STRONG one for not only taking on this burden but for also trying to educate yourself and seaking help from those of us that have been/are there. I applaud you!

Wishing you Peace!

ONE DAY AT A TIME .... it's the only way I get by!

Much love,
Maria

wonderboy75

I'm so sorry I didn't understand your situation, I didn't see this thread.
Please accept my apologies.
I hope you find the answers your looking for, perhaps my words were not helpful.
I promise you only that I was trying to help with what I knew.

These people here are so good, I just want to be helpful like them as well.
Well maybe I was slightly helpful...
Last thing, in answer to your question. No I do not have any children, yet. Perhaps one day after being sober for a long time.
So I understand as a child not a parent.
I can't even understand what's going through their heads.
But I'll explain what they do.

THIS STORY IS FOR ANYONE WHO THINGS DRUGS DEALERS ARE COOL.

My very close friend in high school and college came from a rough family. I was always at his place were he lived with his 2 uncles(both addicts of anything they could shoot up with), his grandmother (a truly remarkable lady) and his one uncles young son. The boy was almost never home, thank God. The basement was Drug central, everywhere you could hide drugs they hid. Jay(my friend like a brother) used to sell acid, pot, mushrooms and lots of hash. He never had a job but always had money for drugs. He could flip up his money like a champ.
I was his runner, I had the wheels so I picked up and made deliveries for the uncles and Jay. Jay would always come with me which was cool. He was such a charismatic jerk, you had to love him. The centre of the party always, hotshot with the ladies he was streetsmart. I learned more than just the tricks and became well connected which was supposed to be a good thing.

I've never really talked about Jay so please bear with me...

We partied like regular guys and with Jay I would never say no to a new drug, I knew his uncles were screwheads but still came over all the time. I'd see them and they'd always look so tired and they always wore long sleeves. I'd smoke joints with them and I thought that was cool.
I went away to college and Jay dropped out of highschool to pursue fulltime work as a drug dealer. He got more involved and had made a name for himself, I would come home on the weekends and sometimes I'd take Jay to college with me. He didn't have much and I wanted him to experience the lifestyle I was living. He loved it, a whole other world.
I'd learned the tricks and had my own business coming in, coke was the drug at the time and I always had good, good stuff. I was so inthralled with the lifestyle Jay was leading that I took Law and Security in School so I could become a better criminal.
So stupid...what type of person was I?
I've changed.
I returned home one weekend and hung out with Jay and one of Jays runner/dealers Jack. That day we sat in Jacks room, he pulled out some pills..we did what we had to do to it. Jay knew, and he shot each of us up. Clean needles(always)
We all got hooked, I did it the least out of us.
I openly did it in front of his uncles and watched them so many times from that basement. Theyre were rigs all around it was horrible(rigs is needles) but they'd always be hidden if Grandma came downstairs.
The uncles are who remind me of your son and daughter in law.
They had no remorse for what they were doing to themselves, their child(who they'd freak on if he wanted to see his dad) or Jay and myself. Mostly Jay, he lived the life everyday. I was the lucky one who could just go home.
We got involved with Bikers who I obviously wont talk about and our addiction got us to the point were we were ripping everyone off. How much depended on who they were. The cops had raided the house for a second time so now we would hop around town(me driving) and use our drugs at different addicts places. All sorts...
When we would get pulled over, Jay would do the talking...
He'd say"I want you to get ahold of IIIIIIII (officers name) and insist on it. They usually didn't have a problem with it and when the officer would come back to my vehicle he'd just let me go..
I couldn't beleive what he could do and didn't understand it. I'm talking too much so I'll shorten this up.
One night in a horrible little crackhouse in a close by city I did something I will never forget. I banged crack. I remember the feeling, I was sure that I was going to die...They wouldn't bring me to a hospital because they didn't want to get in trouble. They covered my body with cold wet towels and made sure I just layed there. My heart almost exploded...no doubt.
I kicked my dilaudid and needle addiction immediately after that.
Life went on I passed most of my college courses but ended up getting in trouble in a car I'd stolen one night after the bar. I received a record, no Law and Security for me.
Jay was more upset than me, a month before this had happened I did something horrible.
I was at a house party and had met a girl(just a friend) who said "I'm drinking tonight so watch out for me k?" I said I would.
Later I tried to find her and she was gone, I decided to find her. Asking around i discovered she'd left with a guy. I walked off looking for her.
Down the street in the park I found them both, I heard her cry and walked up getting very angry. He'd ripped her shirt and didn't react to me right away. I yellled what's up?
He got up walked over to me, she looked at me and I knew it was over. He said"Let's go drink some beers and forget about it and tried to put his arm on my shoulder.
I'm not a fighter but he never saw the punches coming. Once he went down I didn't stop, then Jay and Jack showed up...they jumped in and we beat him unconsious.
All I knew was it was time to leave, while driving out of town we got pulled over. The police took pictures and Jay and I where pulled into jail. My knuckles were bleeding ridicously from hitting his teeth but Jay yelled out the cop car window "I did it all, he had nothing to do with it" He said I had a future, he didn't want to ruin it.
So he took the wrap, i denied it and somehow his police friend from our home town got him off most of the incident.
When court came around he didn't go anyway.
He would have done anything for me and I wasn't sure if I'd do the same. He new what he would do. Loyalty. I learned this from him.
Whoever said there is no honor amoung theives definitely should understand dealers were different. Even today my loyalty is cast iron, but I'm realizing its misplaced.
If you can send someone to jail for a long time by making one two second phonecall loyalty becomes pretty important.
Then Jay screwed up, he slept with my sister.
When I found out it was done. I never talked to him again.
A year later I ran into a semi-friend at a local bar. I asked how Jay was doing and he looked at me in shock..."You didn't know? He's dead"
The jerk hung himself in a public park. We used to get high in that park. Jack never told me a thing, noone contacted me. I missed the funeral. What a jerk. I love him still in death.
He'd said some things to me when he was alive like he was hearing voices. I never realized till later on he probably was schizophrenic.

in that year we didn't talk he got a girl pregnant and had a son. i saw Jays grandmother not to long ago and saw a picture of Jay's son. I looked just like him and I felt alittle afraid for him.
The life he left behind...how would I love to help this kid now but I'm not ready.

He wasn't like his uncles, Jay never wanted to do anything but party...hard.
He made drugs fun, then they consumed us and then he lost the battle.

I need to find that strength to quit something big but I don't want to OD to make me take action.
Jays death, he never liked doing the drugs himself(he had too he'd say) but would always make sure you had fun.

I was not religous when he died but I believed he went to hell. After I found Jesus myself about a year and a half ago I realised that he would be forgiven...I believe this no matter what they say.

I should have started a new thread but I guess this is just me venting abit.

What hurts about it, after I cried and cried is what happened when I saw his cousin.
Another charmed one, he said to me"You couldn't even make it to the funeral" and this is the last I've talked to him.

His uncles ruined him and drugs will ruin everyone who thinks "I'll just try it once"


DONT FALL FOR IT<DRUGS p KILL PEOPLE PEOPLE< DON?T>
If you read this thankyou,
If you would like to post a reply, send a private message please. Bye for now

I wish I could be more eloquent.

splendra

As a person who has seen loved ones in and out of jail who are still strung out I think the more you can keep your hands off of their business and let them handle it the better off they will be. If you bail them out and put them in rehab the very clear message they will be getting is that their parents will take responsibility for their stuff. Not taking responsibility for themselves is what got them where they are. Their trial date seems a little far off but, maybe that is about the wheels of justice turning slow...
Stay strong!!! Take care of you!!!

findinganewme

I hope and pray you will continue on this path to recovery and hopefully, with time, the *pain* of losing Jay will pass. I think it would probably be very gratifying and rewarding to YOU to assist Jay's son. It only takes one hand that is reached out to those in need that can set that person free of their past and lead them into a better, healthier, happier life!

GOD BLESS and much love,
Maria

NOW ... now I'm apologizing for the LENGTH of this reply!!!!!!

brokenheart

Just wanted to bump this up to the front. There is some real good stuff in here that folks need to see. I hope that it helps someone out there who has the time and patience to read through it all.

sherbear5104

((((Brokenheart))))

Prayers are going up for you. IMO I would opt for the rehab. As you said, they can get drugs in jail. This is a fact. I have never been there, by the grace of God, but I know many who have. They all say the same thing. Drugs are all over the place. Rehab taught me a lot about my addiction and how to recover from it. The rehab that you mentioned sounds like a very good one. My best friend was in rehab for 15 months, and she is very strong today. She has almost 2 and a half years. Pray about it. God will give you the answer. You have come to the right place for support, and no matter what you decide, we will support you. That is what is so wonderful about this community. We really do care about each other! Keep us posted.

Sherry