Carrie A2

Hi, I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years now. When I met him he was a "recovering" alcholic, 7 months sober. He was open about his alcoholism and talked to me about it. He was patient and kind with my 2 children from my first marriage, Understanding. Now he is nothing like the man I feel in love with. He has never been to an AA meeting since I met him, he no longer talks about his alcholism and drinks one or two from time to time. He even had a binge when I left him once. He is no longer patient or understanding with the children, or our child. He is extremely strict and expects the children to follow stupid rules (i.e. no drinks at dinner, no toys out of the bedroom, no getting hyper, they are not allowed any fun, they are 8,7, and 3) He works long hours and says this is a requirement of his father's family business. He doesn't talk to me, when we disagree or argue he seems to care less which way it goes. "Whatever you decide is fine", or he says nothing as if he could care less(his excuse is he can't change my mind or I dispute everything he says). He hides in the basement playing x-box games, even when family is over. He goes from being wonderful to awful, it is a cycle. I can't help but wonder if the added responsibility of an instant family had some sort of effect on his recovery? I don't know what he was like when he was an alcoholic, so how could I compare behaviour? I am confused and don't know if this is related to his alcoholism or if it is normal stupid marriage problems. When I approach the subject that he is a dry drunk, he says he doesn't know what is wrong. He never does no why he acts like he does. Can someone please help me out, tell me what to do to get help. Thanks

gratefulgal

Hi Carrie,
Since none of us here know you or your husband personally, we can't say for sure what's going on, but based on what you described, it sounds like his alcoholism is a factor. He is not working a program of recovery and unfortunately, this disease is chronic and progressive, so it only gets worse. The best thing you can do for yourself and for your husband is to find some serenity in your own life because you cannot control his. Have you ever been to an al-anon meeting? I would highly recommend trying that (also the al-anon forum here). If you be the best example of a sane person to your husband that you can be, he might see the peace you have and want that for himself. Take care.

Cathy31

Hi Carrie
Welcome! I second what gratefulgal has said...it certainly sounds like the disease (dis-ease) at play. Definitely - in my humble opinion. It doesn't just sound like normal married life issues (esp the isolating part and intolerance sound like alcoholic symptoms)
Al Anon is a wonderfu way for YOU to get help and make sure you don't get driven insance by his behaviour...his recovery is his problem (although I know it must effect both you and the kiddies) but he might just be inspired by your efforts?? The AL ANON board here is a GREAT place to start.
Good luck, Carrie! IT's great to have you here.
Cathy31
x

nutz

Hi carrie,
Wow, I was there in my 3-5 year of recovery.
It's almost like you where writing about me
to the key. The lone work hours then write on the computer or
playing the PS. Two step daughters and my girlfriend that loves
me very much.

It was the fear of loosing the girls and her.
Fear of how I would take care of them or how I would come up
with college tuition for the girls, auto payment,house payments..etc
Fear of success.
I was living in constant fear.
But also strange, becuase finacially we where better off then ever.
I didn't mind just handing over my paycheck. Every dime went
toward the girl and the family. We had just got done purchasing
a sport car ,a giant TV. took a trip the disneyland.
On the outside everything looked good.
But we all started drifting away from each other.
A simple walk in the park playing with our children, we didn't do any more.

The viedo game at first was relieve of stress for me.
But I ended up writing whatever programs in the computer
night after night in the earily hours of the morning.
I remember my girlfriend begging me to come to bed many, many night.
"just a minute, honey"....turned into an all nighter.
I was in my complusive, obsessive behaviors again...SOBER

And yes ...I agree to everything she said or wanted to do
just for the seck of not arguing. Wierd ??...we didn't know
how to argue and I avioded conflict. But I also had a short
temper.

I came home after a 10 hours workday ,oneday.She took the
girls and left. This is after she beg and beg me to go back to
mettings for 6 months. Her sponsor , a person that also help
me very much in my recovery also talked to me about going
back to meetings and working my program. But I didn't listen.
I stopped attending meetings for a couple of years.
Life got better (on the outside) and the meeting schedule conflicted
with my worked schedule or I also always had an excuse.
Tomorrow or next week. Recovery no longer was the most
important thing is my life and I stopped working my program
and tried to do it on my own, again.

Sorry,I can't help your husband
All I can do is share my ESH.
If I knew then what I know now...
I would have gotten my ass to a meeting and got a sponsor
when my girlfrend at the time asked me. It would have saved
me a lot of heartaches

I ended up going to a meeting the day she left me anyways.
I lost everything that was important to me or that I feared lossing
anyways.
I was force to grow up, meet my fears, work my program
oneway or the other. It's more than not drinking.
Sure I grew a lot from that...but it wasn't neccesary to suffer
as I did just to get back to the ONEDAY AT A TIME, BE GREATFUL,
LET GO and LET GOD.

Carrie A2

I want to thank you all for responding to me. I have been reading and talked with a close friend. I am going to call al anon and do this for me and my children. I never fully understood the depths of this disease even though it has run in my family. I'm glad I don't feel crazy anymore. I will let you all know what happens when I go. Thanks and the best to all of you and yours.

Carrie A2

Just to let you know, I went to al-anon last night. I was very quiet, but listened. I think I like it. Plan on going next week also. I have a lot to learn and hope this will help me feel better and understand what is going on more. I had the talk with my husband, still he denies this is the problem-there is always some other excuse or he just doesn't know. He is however reading his book, and promised to continue. That's a start, I'll take it. Funny thing is when I met him in his 6th month of sobriety, I thought it was over, he wasn't drinking anymore. It would never touch my life or the lives of my children. I didn't realize the depths of this disease. I wish I would have learned more earlier on. At least now, I will. Thanks again.

minnie

Well done, Carrie. I know what a big step it is going to meetings.

Have you checked out the Friends and Family board further down the main page. Many people there will understand what you are going through.

Good luck, hon

Love

Minnie
xxx

NoMoBeer

Hey Carrie -- great step going to Al-Anon... helps you to understand our disease..

I can't say if your husband is an alcoholic or not, that's his call. But I do know that if he is, he's not a "dry alcoholic," just a practicing one...

It definitely sounds like there are some issues that need addressing, but you know that you can only change one person -- you. Keep up with Al-Anon, and see where the path leads both of you.

Wishing you happiness...

Ken