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Old 04-22-2005, 06:23 AM
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Hello!

This is my first post here. I am a girl from Norway, aged 25.
At the age of 15 I started drinking and smoking hash, and later I started doing speed and pills, and eventually heroin. when I was 21 I took a little overdose and a friend (I didnt really knew him that well actually) came to my place and saved my life. After that I went straight into detox..I got in over night thanks to my dads help! When I was in detox I got a free space on a rehab center....I was lucky!!I left after 3 months and thought I was ready for life. I started studying , but was still using ocasionally. I wasnt able to graduate and after that year I decided to move to another part of the country and start over again. I really thought that would help, but it didnt go long time before I met this guy who was selling all kinds of pills, and I was buying from him all the time.
Then I met the love of my life and that helped!!! he helped me stay clean and slowly I build my life up and now I am a fulltime job I am happy about and we also have a big house I am happy about.

However , last autumn I got a prescription of my doctor on valium, because I was so afraid of going to the dentist. They were very soon gone!! After that I started using many pills again , also with a co-worker of mine. every morning at work , we share pills with eachother to get thru the day. And this is where I am today. when I dont have any pills, I drink alcohol in the evening...even if I cant really like alcohol. This week I am on sickleave from work, I just feel so tired and sick!! and I dont want to use anymore. Right now I am sitting here, my hands are shaking and am looking at 20 benzoes and 20 ritaline. I havent touched them yet.

I know there are not much anyone can do for me here but please please back me up, I need constant reminder that I should not take these pills. I just feel so sick now. I know I should throw my pills away , but I am not ready for that ! what if I regret , and need them after all? then it would be too late and I would just do stupid things to get new pills.
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Old 04-22-2005, 06:31 AM
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Welcome Wolverine!!! I would check out NA in your area. I really want to say throw the pills away!!! But i don't have a lot of experience with pills and not sure about the detox from them. I'm sure someone will come along here shortly that will be of help to you...until then stick around here and read read read!!

you have found the best site on the net!!!! SR rocks!!!!!
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Old 04-22-2005, 06:45 AM
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I have actually just checked the NA page today and there is meeting in my town every tuesday. I want to go but I am scared too...I dont think I could come there sober...is it allowed to come under influence of something? Yeah I know, I am so PATHETIC
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Old 04-22-2005, 06:57 AM
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Way to go!!! that is definitely a step in the right direction!!!
I know how scary you're feeling right now. You are NOT pathetic...don't beat yourself up!! The AA and NA programs have saved my life...i found a home away from home. They will welcome you with open arms and yes people do go while under the influence, it's suggested that if you are that you just listen. Also i would suggest that you go over to the NA forum here you will find a lot of support there as well, really anywhere on the poard here is full of caring supportive people. There are also online meetings here, maybe you want to check that out. I still recommend face to face meetings though and i really hope you go!!! \\//peace
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Old 04-22-2005, 07:06 AM
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Okay I think I can go then , if I dont have to come sober. Do you think they will think I am pathetic then? Poor girl, she cant even come to a meeting without being high on something. I wish I had someone to go with. I wish I could just become invisible and then go in, have a seat and listen, without anyone seeing me. Am I supposed to introduce me or anything? And is there any use of going to a meeting if I am not sober? Many stupid questions here, I know. I am just kinda desperate. And I am scared of NA... I dont understand the spiritual part..I am not a spiritual person.

Oh, and I took some ritalin now. I didnt really even want them, but I am afraid what would happen if I dont.
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Old 04-22-2005, 07:15 AM
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Halo (((((((Wolverine))))))))))
Ja vie Elskar Dem. (I think???) Been a long time since I spoke, wrote or conversed in the Norske. Pardon me if I am way off base. My GrandMother was from Gubrensdahln, Norway. Although she passed on well before I got sober, I consider her to be my guardian angel. She told me to Halo all those around me and I would then be surrounded by angels. She went on to spank my little fannie and tell me that I would certainly never be one though.

Welcome to Sober Recovery. Walk through the fear and give your local NA a chance. You can do it and will be helping those other members. It will be well worthwhile. I've been a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous since January of 1991. Prior to walking through the fear to attend my first meeting I could not string together more than a few consecutive days without a drink. Glad you made it here and hope to read more of your posts soon or catch up with you in the chatroom.

(((((((Wolverine))))))))))))
Kiss Heart of Spirit
In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
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Old 04-22-2005, 08:00 AM
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(((((((((((Wolverine)))))))))))))) Welcome to SR!!! We are glad you are here. Please do not be afraid to go to a meeting, even if you have to go under the influence. The people you will meet there have been exactly where you are right now. They will want to help. They all go to the meetings because they are trying to learn to live without the aid of mood-altering substances. If it is at all possible, I would also consider going back to treatment. Maybe now you are really ready to listen and learn. I went to treatment a little over a year ago for alcoholism and marijuana addiction (I also dabbled in pills, hallucinagens, coke, whatever I could get my hands on), and it quite literally saved my life.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Hang in there!

Hugs--
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Old 04-22-2005, 08:12 AM
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thanks lulu. i thought about going into treatment again, but i have a job now and dont want to be away and also i dont want to disappear into treatment cause then ppl would know and i dont want them to. i just thought to sneak into a na meeting instead.i dont want ppl to know that i have problems
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Old 04-22-2005, 08:14 AM
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Welcome, Im in the UK. I found this site a couple of days ago when I was really under it and people have been so friendly and positive and its helping. I hope it helps you too. Stick around I think you'll like it here.


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Old 04-22-2005, 08:46 AM
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Hi Wolverine and welcome!
You'll find a great deal of courage and support here. I do hope you'll give the NA meeting a try. It really is much easier when you surround yourself with people with the same goal. Be strong, you can do this!
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Old 04-22-2005, 11:12 AM
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Now that you are here at SR it is a great thing. You have made that all important first step towards recovering. Stick around and read, read, read and then read some more. Post often and let us get to know you. We all help each other here and share beautiful gifts with each other.
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Old 04-22-2005, 12:09 PM
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Hi Wolverine!
Welcome!!! I can promise you one thing, NO ONE will judge you at an NA meeting. No one. You will be welcomed like a long lost sister!!! I am very impressed that you are thinking about recovery when you are still young - 25 is a beautiful age to get clean and sober! Well done for taking the initiative and joining us here - keep coming back, I'm glad you are here with us.
love
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Old 04-22-2005, 05:57 PM
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wolverine
it is so hard to trust that life without drugs can be ok.
i didn't believe there was anything i could do straight.
when i went to NA
i found that the people understood me and my fears because they had BEEN THERE TOO!

let us know how your first meeting goes
we are cheering for you

hugs
mackat
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Old 04-23-2005, 08:08 AM
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its so good to hear from all of you!
Here is what happened last night: As you know, I took the Ritalin and went over to my friends house and shared some with her . My BF was at work. But then he calls me and said he is coming home cause he had an accident at work. SO I said he could come and pick me up. But I was so high on the ritalin so I didnt really wanted him to see me. But inside I wanted to tell him so bad , what was going on. We stop at the supermarked to get something to eat and I get really anxiety attack and is having a breakdown inside the store and just fell to the floor crying. He walks me back into the car, and I just cry and cry and he asks whats going on. I say I cant tell you, you'll leave me. He say he wont do that but I just cant tell him. I want to, but the words cant come out of my mouth. And he asks , is it this , is it that, I say no.
He is out of suggestions... then I say, I cant tell you cause you once said you would leave me if I did this...and with that I kinda told him and he understands. But he wouldnt leave me!! He had NOT a clue what was going on but now it all make sense to him.

Now he of course take it as granted that I should stay clean and I gave him all my pills and he counted them and hid them. Sadly he doesnt understands the concept of addiction . And he threatens me and say if any of the pills is missing, he will tell everyone that I am using and he will also leave me. This makes me feel so scared and uncertain and just adds upon the stress factor of the withdrawal. He says he does this so it will be easier for me to stop when I have this threat upon me. It just makes me feel anxious and stressed. what do you think of this method?

Anyway , he is at work now and I am home alone and on day one of clean-ness. I know there is pills in the house as you know if you cared to read this all. Please help me.
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Old 04-23-2005, 10:27 AM
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isnt anyone answering today?
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Old 04-23-2005, 06:50 PM
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yep

i'm here-
my ol addict head always had me trying to figure stuff out by myself. it did not work for me. [self treatment by the insane, for the insane!!!LOL!] i needed to get some good clean time. some different habits.
sitting in a room with other addicts who were also trying to get clean was the one way that worked for me.
that's my story and i'm sticking with it....
hugs
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Old 04-24-2005, 12:05 PM
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Hi Wolverine,

I'm really sorry to hear about the situation your boyfriend is putting you through. Most non-addict people do not understand the addiction concept, which is one of the reasons I lost my wife and a whole lot friends (will-power they say is the answer to us and how wrong that is). I know it's easier said than done but you should and explain him that threats tend to work the opposite way they're intended to only because they make us feel trapped and extremely streesed even more than we already are when we first are trying to stop. That alone is the main reason why he should try and understand what you're going through. You should somehow make him see that.

As I said it's very hard for non-addict people to grasp these feelings, they may even think it's just an excuse for them to let us use. It's not if we are really willing to let go, to start any kind of rehab (NA, therapy...). You should also tell him that some kinds of pills must not be stopped cold turkey because it could be very dangerous. A doctor is in order right now.

Still, try and reason with him, see a doctor, show him you want to quit with his help, not under threats.

Love - Pedro
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