lifeseeker

Hi, Amanda here, alcoholic.

I am just recently coming back to AA. I have been going to meetings for the past three days, and today is usually the day I drank. One day of drinking, one of recovering, third day drinking again. Hey, my last drink was on sat. so I guess I got past that point. lol Nice surprise for this tired brain of mine. (I still casually ask at least once through the day what day it is at work) In a bit of a fog I guess.
Before Sat. I was in a detox for 12 days. I was fine while I was there, but when I got out I had to deal with a situation I didn't want to. You see, my family had a bit of an intervention with me the sunday before. They told me they loved me, but I had to do something with my alcoholism and it was in the best interests of my 2 yr old to stay with them. (mom and dad) I'm 31. I thought I was fooling everyone including the people at work. I wasn't. If it wasn't for someone from work cluing my mom in, I don't know where I'd be right now. I accepted their ultimatum. I agreed I had a problem. I checked myself in, driving myself to the detox. I'm very fortunate to have so many people around me care about me, and I didn't even know they did. Anyhow...
I thought I could deal with my little girl being away from me. I found out 45 mins after leaving her on sat that I couldnt. I was hurting inside badly, and I did what I know how to do to stop the pain, I drank. It only made me more miserable than before. Before I went to work on monday I phoned my mom, and she knew and freaked on me. Then I went to work and basically freaked out all day thinking about it, and cried throughout the day. I understood though. That's the stupid part. I knew why she was mad, I knew that she had every right to be mad, yet I hurt. I phoned her again and we talked about it. I just gave up that day. I am an alcoholic, I can't drink and I need help desperately. I don't want to drink, and I don't want to continue on the path I've been on. I hate this illness to no end. It's robbed me of who I was. I hate who I've become.
I have been to meetings for three days in a row now. Monday night I spent the entire evening after the meeting with someone who is in recovery. I didn't even want to go home. I want this so badly, I want to change. I need to change. I'm grasping onto anything and everything I can right now to get the help I can get. I need help, bottom line.
I haven't found a sponsor yet, but I have some numbers. My ads counsellor told me of a person at a certain mtg on sat morning I could ask to sponsor me temporarily. I'm going to do that.
I'm just really mixed up inside...all these feelings pouring out of me are uncomfortable. I am hanging on though and I'm sober one more day.

Probably didn't make much sense, but I had to say it.
Thanks

best

Made sense to me.

Lots of emotions and feelings right now.
You are learning very fast as well, is what your post is telling me.
It does get easier. May feel tough right now but it does get easier.
Keep going to meetings and keep seeking that sponsor and you will find the support and help to get through.
Above all though... Don't pick up that first drink.

Time4Me11

Welcome Lifeseeker!

Hard to believe right now...but you are in a GREAT place with yourself. You have decided to "seek life." Despite the pain in your voice, it really sounds like you have come to terms with your situation, are truly sick and tired of it and are ready to make big changes...it is all there in your message. To me, you sound brave, strong and determined.

This forum is a very open place where you can post any thoughts or questions and there are many wise people here who will give you much support and help.

For these first and difficult days, trust when everyone says that it will get better...and really take a chance with yourself to feel what it will be like after a week of not drinking. You have to be incredibly strong and act on this desire for change.

Hugs.

CarolD

Good to see you are going forward in your sober life!

I think of AA meetings as classrooms for recovery.

Thanks for sharing your progress.

lifeseeker

Thanks for the welcome.

Another sober day starting. Another day full of choices to make. I am not kidding myself today about the fact that it is a hard road to take. It is. I want to escape from most things in life. Especially those things which I seem to have expectations of, and boy have I had a lot of them.
I imagine the Serenity Prayer was worded the way it was for a reason.
This alcoholic needs help in learning life all over again. Escape was but a brief and painful means to more misery. It wasn't life, it was existence. I want to live life today. I want to learn. I want to be sober and have a little bit of peace inside of me, that's all. If I can stay sober today, eventually somethings gotta kick in in time, right?
Time for work and another day in reality.
At least I'm sober!

lulu70

Welcome, Amanda! What you said made perfect sense to me as well. We alcoholics invariably do things like drink when we know it will surely kill us. My name is Laura and I am an alcholic with a precious 14 months of sobriety. I tried to get sober about 12 years ago, and lost the willingness to do whatever it took about 3 months in, if I ever really had that willingness at all. This time my "bottom" wasn't even as bad as it was the first time, at least as far as appearances go. However, I was absolutely emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. I cannot believe how much my life has changed in this short period of time. You can do it too! SR is a wonderful tool. Use us as much as you need.

Hang in there! Remember to take it one day at a time!

Hugs--

wantneeda

Welcome Amanda I hope you find what you're looking for!!!
MY worst day sober has been better than my best day drunk. Keep going to those meetings, you are worth the fight. My ex had my 2 girls for 3 years while i was in active addiction. I couldn't face that reality and the guilt and shame kept me out there. I'm working on my 316th day clean and sober. My oldest daughter moved back in with me in December. As long as i put my sobriety first gifts just keep coming my way. Don't give up!!!

Chy

Keep up the good work and don't quit before the miracle happens! We're glad your here!

Phinneas

((((Amanda)))) Yup, that's what we know how to do. I can so relate.

Your post is beautifully worded. I hear you pain, but I also hear your honesty, openess and willingness to change. You are teachable. Welcome to recovery. Welcome home.

Keep reaching out, keep going to meetings and keep posting here on SR. You're doing the right things. Don't drink a minute, an hour or a day at a time and keep coming back.

--phinny

Jupiter2

Hi Amanda,

Your drinking pattern sounds a lot like mine. I would get a day sober and then drink and get another day sober...repeated endlessly. The early days are some of the hardest according to a lot of old timers I talk with and we just need to plod along and keep the faith, work the steps and understand that with that kind of effort the promises will come true over time. I use a lot of the tools from AA and they help a lot. You are lucky to have so many people who really care about you.

Glad to have you with us.

Jup.

lifeseeker

Good morning!

It really is a good morning today, I woke up knowing where I was last night. I went to a mtg that was just what I needed to hear. I have no control over people, places or things! lol The big one I've had to deal with is my mom.
She doesn't think I need to go to mtgs. I should just quit and live my life for my children. I wish it were so easy. I don't argue with her, as I was raised with respect for my elders. *ahem*
Fast forward to a call between us last night;

Mom: I'll phone on sat. at 10 a.m.
Me: That's not a good time, I'm going to a mtg at 9.
Mom: Oh.
Me: My counsellor told me of a lady going to this mtg who I should ask to sponsor me. I really want to go to this mtg. The sooner I get a sponsor, the better.
Mom: Okay then, I'll call you around noon.

I would NEVER have spoken up for myself, least of all about something like this. I understand what she means, she did it for us. I know for a fact that I need meetings every day, and other people in recovery, especially women, who I can talk to. The only way I know how to do this is to go to these meetings. Or to come online, though it's a different kind of closeness f2f. I know how I feel when I leave the meetings, and I know how I felt when I didn't do meetings.
The difference is way too much to sacrifice my life for today. I know where the good stuff is at, and it isn't doing it on my own. Not for me, anyhow.

Another day sober, another gift of 24 hours to live.

hopealwayz

Time4Me11

It does feel great to speak up for ourselves...to start putting our recovery, health and wellbeing first. Don't let anyone dissuade you from that basic truth.

Have a wonderful day.

lifeseeker

Thanks for your kind words folks

Now I have a stupid question...when do I quit balling??? It keeps sneaking up on me, and last night during a meeting it happened again!! I thought I was doing good? I have been to a meeting every day this week, and plan to go to another one today. Perhaps even two. I briefly thought about a drink, but immediately pushed that down before I got out of my car to go into the meeting. I mean brief here! When I was in the center a certain addiction worker told me to tell myself I don't drink anymore and NO I cannot drink when these thoughts come into my mind. So I did it, and it went away. But it really bugged me. I was doing good until they called on me, then it all poured out and I was crying again. Grrrrrrr...it's beeping me off! I just want to make it without turning into a blubbering idiot. *sigh* I didn't drink though, and then the people there all invited me out and talked and talked to me.
I've heard people saying that they'll love you until you're capable of loving yourself. I found out that that's true last night.
People, I tell you, I cannot believe how this is working with the honesty stuff! I just can't believe it. I always thought if people knew what I was really thinking they'd think I was crazy. Guess I'm not as crazy as I thought.
(enter big sigh of relief here)
thanks again,
amazed

Dan

I cried at every meeting for a month I think, when I came in.
Still do dometimes.
You are doing good.
Think about it... What did we do when we boozed? We stuffed away our emotions, ourselves, our souls. We thought we were hiding from everyone, when in fact we were only hiding from us.

I wish every addict and alcoholic could just give him/herself the chance to cry, and the chance to have those tears heard by others.
That's when their power to heal takes over.

Welcome, from another northern one

CarolD

My AA group keeps a box of tissue on each table.


'Tears Cleanse Our Souls'