KyGram2

My daughter has an appointment tomorrow with an attorney to discuss her 7 month marriage to a cocaine addict. She needs advice to protect herself from his actions, financially and otherwise. She found out two weeks ago that he had taken up with another female during Feb-April and says he was using since a month before the wedding. She told him to take his things and get out! He is financially in a big hole which is why we started questioning his actions and whereabouts. My daughter has been with this man (28 yrs old) for 4 years and 2 years ago she went to AA with him and to Al-Anon. Now this and her wedding pictures came in the mail yesterday! She is so lost at the moment and as parents we are struggling with this. We offered to stay in this for the long haul and encourage our new son-in-law to get help, that is until we found out that he had taken a girlfriend. I know it's an illness and an addiction, but sleeping with another woman and basically abandoning my daughter shortly after the wedding is a tough one to handle. She is beautiful, inteligent, and a hard worker with good credit. As I said, she is devastated and feels used and abused. This is the first forum I've found and thanks for being here.

Chy

Welcome Ky,
I am so sorry to hear your daughters story. It really is difficult for all involved. Please visit our Friends and Family and Naranon forums. I hope she will continue to look for support to get through this difficult time.

tyler

I would recommend you consult a divorce attorney and do it fast. Unfortunately I was on the other side, I was the A and trust me it is easy for him to screw over your daughter if he wants to. I wanted to make sure I took responsibility for as much as possible, but it is amazing how much I could have stuck her with if I wanted to. We were married for a longer time, but once the marraige takes place what is hers is his and what is his is hers and that counts for debts too. Please talk to an attorney, I certainly can't give you legal advice, but I know that she could definately get screwed over. Good luck and take care. Wish I had better advice.

KyGram2

Thanks for the replies. I will forward the message from tyler to my daughter. I already emailed her this website for help. Thanks for being here We feel so helpless. I'm sure you know the feeling. We just want to fix it! Happily ever after!

HPierce

i will pray for your daughter!!

losttofreedom

Consequences can be a wake up call for an addict. They won't stop someone from using but they can force an addict/alcoholic to take a look at themself. But unless HE wants to stop, he won't.
Addicts for the most part don't want to hurt the ones they love but their addiction by nature doesn't give them a choice. When I was using I robbed from, lied, took advantage of and hurt eveyone I loved, including my husband. He got clean 2 1/2 yrs. before I did. Trying to hide my drug use from him and my family was a 24-hour a day job. Dishonesty in everything I did was needed to continue my using. Don't expect him to be able to be honest about anything, even though he probably wishes he could.
!31 days ago my husband heard me using in the bathroom and kicked the door down. He threw me out of the house, took pictures of the drugs/paraphanalia, and hand-delivered them to my probation officer. I went to jail for 45 days. I hated him for the first couple of days, but now I see it as having been a miracle. I am actually grateful for the jail time. It gave me a reprieve from heroin/cocaine/methadone for a period of time and I was able to start thinking clearly. Jail did for me what I was not able to do for myself. I try to live recovery now the way I used to live on drugs, chasing it 24/7. NA has been a miracle.
Tell your daughter that she needs to do what is best for her. She needs to protect herself. Her husband may decide to get clean or he may not but she should do what is best for her in the meantime.
Take Care.

KyGram2

Thanks for the letter. My daughter spoke with an attorney yesterday. He advised her to get out before he brings her down any further. The lawyer told her that the fact that Mike didn't go for help after moving out of the house should speak volumes. He hasn't even come close to hitting bottom. I think she is waiting to speak with the pastor at church before she makes any further decisions. Legally she is pretty safe from his mistakes, financially that is. That is what we wanted her to find out from the lawyer. We were willing to hang in there for the long haul until we found out about the other woman. That's a tough one. I wish that we could save him and make this all better! This website has been good for me and my daughter. Thanks for being here

findinganewme

Hi! I probably am NOT the right person to reply to you as I JUST joined this site TODAY!

"I" just admitted to myself that I need help with my addictions.

What I wanted to just tell you is that substance abuse (whether it's alcohol, drugs, or both) can change a PERSON entirely!

"I" was the biggest Miss Goodie Two Shoes you'd EVER meet for 40+ years. A perfectionist, intelligent, caring person & mother. The person that was the 4.0 average student in college, the loving stay-at-home mother who would NEVER conceivably imagine EVER leaving her girls or her marriage. Well, after separating and divorcing and then in the process of TRYING TO FIND MYSELF destroyed the person that I was. During the last three years, I thought I was in love with the man I decided to live with. I knew he had an alcohol problem, but thought I could make a difference and CHANGE HIM. All it did was cause me to take on the habit and more. I had absolutely NO IDEA it was going to DESTROY ME and my life. I became an alcoholic and substance abuser in trying to heal someone who just didn't want to heal. Only after three years of loving him and being hurt left and right until I could take NO MORE and BLEW UP in a violent rage (totally out of character for me) did I realize that an alcoholic or addict of any kind does NOT want to change and ALL my efforts were in VAIN ..... worst yet, I LOST MYSELF along the way as well!

I am NOT making excuses or taking the side of your son-in-law. I am merely trying to explain how these addictions can change a person COMPLETELY. The *addict* does not know what they're losing until they have practically LOST everything .... including themselves.

I just hope your daughter does not take on the BLAME, as I did for a long time! It was NOT her fault! The drug, alcohol, or other substance abuse has corrupted and taken his mind and body. It's a VERY scarey feeling. He does NOT feel that fright YET ..... I realized that ONLY when one admits they INDEED HAVE A PROBLEM does the FRIGHT sink in. He needs help, I need help.

I don't know whether I've helped. I so do feel for you and your daughter because as I try to put the pieces of the last three years of my life together, I have realized I have HURT every member of my family and alienated them all. It's only when one finds themselves in this position that reach out for help. I don't know that he's THERE yet!

I hope you and your daughter can find peace. It's hard to forgive a person in this situation, but you have to remember that he's not the same person and he cannot help it until he STOPS.

I can relate to her feeling used and abused. It hurts. It hurts badly. She just has to believe that it was NOT her fault.

Don't know if I helped at all, but I just wanted to reach out somehow.

Sorry if I rambled.

Maria

KyGram2

Thanks Maria, It's a little too soon but my daughter keeps saying she forgives him, but for now, she can't take him back. She keeps saying to everyone, "It's not my fault". She is trying to convince herself and everyone else that she's okay. I don't know what she will do next but she just needs some time to get over the shock. I've been reading a lot and watching the intervention shows on TV. Some days I feel bad for Mike and some days I'm angry with him for what's happening. We would all like to see him get better quick and for them to live happily ever after. Reality says, that won't happen so my daughter needs to take care of herself and start over. It's as if someone is dead but not really. At the moment, at least they don't have any children except the English Bulldog and she has separation issues. So I babysit the dog everyday while my daughter is at work. It's the love of her life at the moment and we fear Mike will try to take her away. So, I guard the dog! Funny how we act in a stressful situation. Sorry Maria to hear about your last couple of years. I hope it gets better for you. Honesty helps so keep an open door with your family and they will return with the love and care that you need and they need also. Take care

BubbaBob

Hi mom...you and your daughter are in a tough place...I'll keep you in my prayers.

Re: The above quote, I'd suggest a bit of caution.

For me, attorneys are NOT for helping one decide to go or to stay, they are for taking care of the legals once the decision is made.

Attorneys are in business...businesses are intended to make money...family law (divorce) attorneys don't make money unless a divorce takes place, so don't believe they have your daughter's best interests at heart...they have their bank accounts' best interests at heart, and that means automatically reccomending divorce.

For making the decision in the first place, I'd suggest her pastor, a counselor, AlAnon...but NOT a lawyer.

BubbaBob

KyGram2

Hi BubbaBob, Thanks for the note. I didn't give all the story I guess. This lawyer goes to our church and was recommened by the Pastor and Assist. Pastor. We wanted her to get legal counsel to protect her financially. He is only charging her a small fee only if she decides that divorce is what she needs. She met with Mike the other night and is very discouraged as he says he has no fight in him and when asked about it, said he has been in touch with "the other woman" a couple of times since he moved out. He told my daughter that he never deserved her. Not fighting for her or at least getting in to see his old counselor, well it's not working in his favor. It sounds like he is just settling for the life he is leading. It's very sad and we all wish it wasn't so. We all feel so helpless. I don't know how my daughter is surviving. But she is and we are thankful for that. She thanks God and her family support system. I think she is still in shock. I wish this wasn't so hard to deal with. You are right about the law office as a business. My daughter isn't in a hurry to give up just yet, all though, there isn't a thing she can do at the moment but try to keep her head above water. She said she doesn't want to pay for his phone any longer. She doesn't want to pay for him to talk with another woman.

Could anyone out there tell me if infidelity goes hand in hand with cocaine abuse? Or, is it a separate choice not to be considered part of the drug addiction?

tyler

For myself personally, infidelty went with my addiction. I dont' think it is something I would have done had I not been using. For me it was all part of chasing the high. Saying this in no way excuses what I did however, it was still a conscience choice I made,as was using in the first place. Many say it is a disease, I'm not so sure. While I do believe addiciton is a difficult problem, no one forced me to use drugs, I made the choice to seek them out and use them. I made the choice to hide it so I would not be presured to stop. The disease concept is a contrivercial one, personally I think one should believe whatever helps them the most. If thinking of it as a disease helps you stay clean, then think of it as a disease. I didn't like viewing myself as diseased, it helps me to view it as a compulsive behavior that I need to work on changing. I found myself and many others using the disease concept as a cop out, saying they couldn't help their behavior because of their disease. Personally I think that is BS. We still have free will as human beings. Even if you are physically addicted to a drug you still have the choice to stop using it, go through the pain of detox and try to live clean. Is it an easy choice, no. Making easy choices is what got me into this in the first place. It was easier to numb the pain rather than dealing with it. It was easier to keep using rather than make the effort to stop. It was easier to give into my impulses for sex, spending, using, anything for instant gratitfaction. Again, these are my opinions, and for me they work. I firmly believe people should do what works for them, whatever the program or lack thereof. I guess I kinda got off of the topic you were asking about, but this has been on my mind lately. Take care.

KyGram2

Thanks Tyler, this letter is a big help. Makes me believe there are choices made not uncontrollable decisions. Sounds more sane than insane. Thank you for that. I believe it's easier to deal with if you know that. Does that make sense? Only time will tell as to the outcome with my daughter and her husband. She is working very hard to heal from this situation, both for herself and for him.

BubbaBob

Hi mom...hang in there...

A couple of things...

The disease concept of addiction is only controversial outside of the "mainstream" medical community. For both the AMA (American Medical Association) and the APA (American Psychiatric Assoiation) the clinical description of addiction/alcoholism is a "cronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured".

That said, I'll address other concerns in your post.

For SOME, infidelity is a component of the addiction, for others it is something they may do even clean and sober. I was a cheater while still drinking and that is not something I would even consider sober. That's me...your SIL may be different.

As for his seeming to accept his fate as an addict, you need to understand that with the vast majority of addicts/alcoholics low self-esteem is a major problem. I never doubet that God or people would help me if I asked...I just didn't feel I was worth their time or trouble...especially, after all, God had a lot more important things to deal with than a sorry, worthless drunk. I think the low self-esteem issues are the hardest to deal with because until an addict/alcoholic deals with them, recovery is almost out of the question. You have to feel you are worth helping before you'll accept help.

You, your daughter, and your SIL are in my thoughts and prayers.

BubbaBob

KyGram2

Thanks BubbaBob. This is such a nightmare. Tonight my daughter asked what's involved in getting a divorce. She feels lost and defeated herself. She's not first in Mike's life and she's not even last. He doesn't phone. He makes no effort. Yet, when she stopped by to see him the other night and bring him his mail, she asked if he had been in contact with Allison,(the other woman) he said he has talked with her a couple of times. That's more than he's talked with my daughter. She thanked him for being honest but expressed the hurt she felt. Thanks for your information. It really does help. Send me anything you have to offer. She did speak with Mike's family the other night and his mother told her she loves her son but doesn't want to see him hurt my daughter. My daughter needed to feel their understanding, support and acceptance. They now believe that Mike has a cocaine problem. So, the denial is in the past. Tomorrow is another day. We will get through this and the more we learn the better we can cope.

angelgirl

Hi, sometimes i think denial comes and goes. Depending on the day. I don't know if anyone can really accept a drug/alcohol problem, without alot of help. At least this is how I feel. It is so hard to deal with.
I have been watching your messages. My name is Becky, I am a drug addict. I understand more of your son-in laws problems than your daughters. I mean, I understand, because i have been where he is, and it is not a nice place to be. It's a terrible place to be. My situation is a bit different though. I dragged my husband/family through he--, they are all still with me, I have had a drug problem since 2001, and I have done some really terrible things, things that alot of people may not forgive, but so far, as of this day, my husband still is standing with me. But I wouldn't have blamed him, had he wanted out earlier.
The disease of addiction is a terrible one. It will cause people to do things they would never, ever have done, had it not been for the addiction. Everyone's situation is different. I think most people need to hit their own "bottom" before they will truly give what it takes for recovery. It takes all we have, it is not easy. Addiction, is very powerful.
I don't know where I would be if my husband decided earlier that he had, had enough. I may have gotten more help earlier, but then,, I may have gone to a lower place earlier that I may not have been able to come out of?? I just don't know. All situations are different. I do believe though that for your daugher to really get help, even if she decides to divorce him, I would still seek help, because she may need help,due to what she has been through, but also, she may continue to love him, even with a divorce, and she may need help in stepping out of the situation he is in. I am reading a book called, "an addict in the family". This book would be wonderful for you, her anyone that addiction touches. Even for me, and I am the addict in the family. It really explains alot about addiction, how to live with it, or let go.
Good luck, I to will add your daughter and her husband to my prayers. Maybe it would help her if you went to Nar-anon with her?? I don't know, just trying to help.
Luv, Becky

KyGram2

Hi Becky, Thanks for the info. I might just go buy this book today. I read Intervention and it did help but I didn't do a very good job of that on my own. I want to help Mike but I can't stand to see my daughter suffer! She hasn't been happy for a long time. She is 28 years old, she wants a marriage, a family life, and christian life. She is a hard worker and she thought when the decision to marry was made, that Mike wanted that too. Well, he wasn't big on church but he went a couple of times. But, he wanted to better his life, have children etc. Once they were married, he told her that he didn't want to finish college (one year to go for a Bachelors Degree). He said that maybe she would have to accept a husband that runs a Bar. He told her that maybe she would have to accept a life of poverty, basically. She has tried to set high standards for them. She doesn't want a rich life (financially speaking) but a rich fullfilling life with God and family. Mike has pretty much stayed away since shortly after the wedding. Actually, looking back, it started before but we all thought it was due to stress on the job and the wedding plans. He doesn't give her any hope for a future. She feels like an idiot, so she says. She feels like she opens her heart to abuse. The pain is so great, even my husband and I are having trouble functioning. We have a strong marriage but we can't seem to accomplish anything these days. I will get that book today. Thanks for being there and thanks for the prayers. I'm glad to hear that you have been able to turn your life around. Maybe my daughter will read these threads. I'm not sure if she is a member yet or if she is reading. It's hard for me to even talk to her about this. Have a great day, with love!

angelgirl

Hi, I think the book might really help. Reaching out for help is the most important thing. I read all I can, go to meetings, go to couseling. I need all the help I can get I am working at it, there is nothing easy about it, it takes so much work.
I wish the very best for you and your daughter. Very good thing to hear they have no children. That way she can move on easier, if she chooses to. Sometimes, that is the best thing you can do for someone. I only really know what has helped me. It's a livelong deal. I wish you the best, hope the book helps Luv, Becky

findinganewme

Well she's a good person to be able to forgive. My family isn't as forgiving! I don't know what's toughest ...... my withdrawal problem or regaining respect from my family. OK, I believe it's the second!

Just this morning I was telling my 18 year old daughter that I would prefer she not use my PC because some of the keys are sticking ...... she said "maybe it was you when you were drunk!" OUCH! GOD that hurt. I can't stop crying and my heart is heavy.

I'd like someone out there to tell me how I handle my children who just treat me horribly even though I was ALWAYS there for them.

HELP someone, PLEASE!

Much love,
Maria

jprosje

she can only enable him and he can only manipulate her