Er...... Hello? (new to board)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3
Er...... Hello? (new to board)
Hi
For the last 4 or so years I have been drinking. I start as soon as i get home from work. I'm not sure when it turned from social/pleasure drinking to me sitting alone drinking only to get drunk.... and to forget the previous day, week, month, year. I had kept my drinking secret from my partner, my parents and my company.
Until yesterday.... seems my company has noticed my poor working record. I covered up most of it by lying, telling the company I was on the job when i wasnt. Well the comany did a little digging, not that it was hard, its gotten out of control......everything seems to be slipping away. Anyway we had a meeting and somewhere in the meeting I admitted I had a problem......was the hardest thing i have ever said, felt so bad. I always told myself that i would sort myself out that i would prepare myself that i woudl sort all this out and I would get back on track and nobody would ever know......that day was always 'tomorrow'. Well its now became yesterday and I'm freaking out. At the moment only a few people from my company know and last night i told my partner.
I'm not sure where I go from here... feel so stupid letting it get to this point but it was always easier to hide it than to tell. My partner has been great, she has been a real help especially yesterday when all i wanted to do was get drunk and forget it all, even if it was only for a few hours. I have to go down to my company HQ for a disceplinery hearing about my performance and lying, I dont hold out much hope even though my company says it will try and help.
When i told my partner we had a chat and decided that anytime is a good time to stop. In the past i have went a week or so with out drinking and i can last a few days with out it but i always return. So I gave her all the alcohol that was in the house....even the bottles I had hidden. We pored it down the drain....strange really weird mix of emotions...maybe even happy at seeing it. But i have done it before, by myself, returning a few days or a week later to same old me.
I was looking for advice from people who have lead a double life(most of us on this board have to some degree i think?) I just dont know where to start, im worried about what people will think, our future, my job..... the biggest worry i have I have is now its all started I have told people....i still feel like I wanna go get drunk and forget about it all, but I'm so sick of this. Always taking the easy way out then having to deal with problems that just get worse the more I drink.
Thing that makes me feel stupid is that I could see this coming a mile off, yet i still walk into it.....must have been at the end of the queue when common sense was being handed out :-)
Thx for reading,sorry was meant to be only one paragraph.
Paul
For the last 4 or so years I have been drinking. I start as soon as i get home from work. I'm not sure when it turned from social/pleasure drinking to me sitting alone drinking only to get drunk.... and to forget the previous day, week, month, year. I had kept my drinking secret from my partner, my parents and my company.
Until yesterday.... seems my company has noticed my poor working record. I covered up most of it by lying, telling the company I was on the job when i wasnt. Well the comany did a little digging, not that it was hard, its gotten out of control......everything seems to be slipping away. Anyway we had a meeting and somewhere in the meeting I admitted I had a problem......was the hardest thing i have ever said, felt so bad. I always told myself that i would sort myself out that i would prepare myself that i woudl sort all this out and I would get back on track and nobody would ever know......that day was always 'tomorrow'. Well its now became yesterday and I'm freaking out. At the moment only a few people from my company know and last night i told my partner.
I'm not sure where I go from here... feel so stupid letting it get to this point but it was always easier to hide it than to tell. My partner has been great, she has been a real help especially yesterday when all i wanted to do was get drunk and forget it all, even if it was only for a few hours. I have to go down to my company HQ for a disceplinery hearing about my performance and lying, I dont hold out much hope even though my company says it will try and help.
When i told my partner we had a chat and decided that anytime is a good time to stop. In the past i have went a week or so with out drinking and i can last a few days with out it but i always return. So I gave her all the alcohol that was in the house....even the bottles I had hidden. We pored it down the drain....strange really weird mix of emotions...maybe even happy at seeing it. But i have done it before, by myself, returning a few days or a week later to same old me.
I was looking for advice from people who have lead a double life(most of us on this board have to some degree i think?) I just dont know where to start, im worried about what people will think, our future, my job..... the biggest worry i have I have is now its all started I have told people....i still feel like I wanna go get drunk and forget about it all, but I'm so sick of this. Always taking the easy way out then having to deal with problems that just get worse the more I drink.
Thing that makes me feel stupid is that I could see this coming a mile off, yet i still walk into it.....must have been at the end of the queue when common sense was being handed out :-)
Thx for reading,sorry was meant to be only one paragraph.
Paul
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 398
Hi Paul, my name is ChrisMan, a recovering addict.
Just about all of us who post here know what you mean by leading a double life. There are many recovering alcoholics here who I am sure will be able to help you and more people will be posting shortly. I guess the one thing I can say is that we can't do it alone. It is important to become part of a recovery group and getting a sponsor (someone who can relate to your problem but has more sobriety and who you can call when you feel the urge to drink). Have you considered Alcoholics Anonymous?
Keep posting and hope this is just the beginning of a great recovery for you!
ChrisMan
Just about all of us who post here know what you mean by leading a double life. There are many recovering alcoholics here who I am sure will be able to help you and more people will be posting shortly. I guess the one thing I can say is that we can't do it alone. It is important to become part of a recovery group and getting a sponsor (someone who can relate to your problem but has more sobriety and who you can call when you feel the urge to drink). Have you considered Alcoholics Anonymous?
Keep posting and hope this is just the beginning of a great recovery for you!
ChrisMan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3
Thanks ChrisMan.... Ive thought about AA, at the moment i have just called a Alcoholic help line. I find it easier to talk about this over the phone than I would in person. I'll have work up to the face to face bit i think. Still comming to grips with it. One side of me says its not a problem while the other is telling me im in deep sh*t and have to sort it. SO i'll start with baby steps.....hopefully sometime in the future i'll learn to run 
Will visit the AA webapge though. I'm an atheist does that matter with AA as I always thought AA was a church ran thing
thanks again
Will visit the AA webapge though. I'm an atheist does that matter with AA as I always thought AA was a church ran thing
thanks again
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((((Boggin)))))))))
Welcome to SR. Your first post here reminds me of me. I found myself right where it sounds like you are, but I continued to drink anyways. Lost the girlfriend, jobs, etc... Eventually after losing it all I found "surrender" much easier than the alternative. I surrendered to what I now see as my own powerlessness over that first drink and the unmanageability of my life that I myself had created by continuing to drink knowing I had a very real problem.
I found some great help in Alcoholics Anonymous after having attempting to control my drinking. I tried other methods & support which failed utterly for me personally at quiting entirely. The simple 12 Step Program which A.A. laid out was not necessarily easy, but it sure beat the alternatives which I had so frequently experienced while trying to beat my drinking dilemma all alone.
Are you able to access the SR Chatroom yet? If so, I would love to speak livetime with you there if possible. You would be helping me more than I could ever be helping you. It's part of how I keep my own sobriety.......... sharing my experience, strength and hope with another who might just be an alcoholic like myself.
(((((((((((Boggin)))))))))))
3 Legacy
Welcome to SR. Your first post here reminds me of me. I found myself right where it sounds like you are, but I continued to drink anyways. Lost the girlfriend, jobs, etc... Eventually after losing it all I found "surrender" much easier than the alternative. I surrendered to what I now see as my own powerlessness over that first drink and the unmanageability of my life that I myself had created by continuing to drink knowing I had a very real problem.
I found some great help in Alcoholics Anonymous after having attempting to control my drinking. I tried other methods & support which failed utterly for me personally at quiting entirely. The simple 12 Step Program which A.A. laid out was not necessarily easy, but it sure beat the alternatives which I had so frequently experienced while trying to beat my drinking dilemma all alone.
Are you able to access the SR Chatroom yet? If so, I would love to speak livetime with you there if possible. You would be helping me more than I could ever be helping you. It's part of how I keep my own sobriety.......... sharing my experience, strength and hope with another who might just be an alcoholic like myself.
(((((((((((Boggin)))))))))))
3 Legacy
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
hi and Welcome
Paul... 
I lost a job from drinking...and started AA that day. That was the smartest move I ever made.
We have a special section for drinkers here at SR. please check it out.
AA is not a church run recovery program. In the basic book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a chapter 'We Agnostics'.
I hope you find you answers ...Sobriety rocks!
I lost a job from drinking...and started AA that day. That was the smartest move I ever made.
We have a special section for drinkers here at SR. please check it out.
AA is not a church run recovery program. In the basic book of Alcoholics Anonymous is a chapter 'We Agnostics'.
I hope you find you answers ...Sobriety rocks!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3
Thanks for all the replys and advice. Ive found a AA gathering in my area, will try and pick up the guts to go. Im not the best in groups at the best of times (strange as i used to be the outgoing extroverted one....funny how things change)
Yet is just stopping the only way.... You would think some1 in this day and age would make a pill... joys of science... We still have to do the hard stuff ourselves
Yet is just stopping the only way.... You would think some1 in this day and age would make a pill... joys of science... We still have to do the hard stuff ourselves
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
((((((Boggin)))))))
Enjoyed our chat earlier in the SR Chatroom. Hope to do some more with you soon. AA offered me a lot more than just not drinking. A design for living, no matter my present circumstance, has been very rewarding indeed.
Fear of people, people in groups, groups of people, LOL and many other fears have fallen by the wayside since I laid hold of this life preserver.
:aasmile
:boat Sailing has been much smoother and I am never alone.
:allgetalo
It's always pretty easy to find another alcoholic ready to share with me and even willing to listen sometimes as well.
3 Legacy
Enjoyed our chat earlier in the SR Chatroom. Hope to do some more with you soon. AA offered me a lot more than just not drinking. A design for living, no matter my present circumstance, has been very rewarding indeed.
Fear of people, people in groups, groups of people, LOL and many other fears have fallen by the wayside since I laid hold of this life preserver.
:aasmile
:boat Sailing has been much smoother and I am never alone.
:allgetalo
It's always pretty easy to find another alcoholic ready to share with me and even willing to listen sometimes as well.
3 Legacy
The Steps Work
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 15
Welcome
It sounds like you might be done-the only solution I have found to long term sobriety and a happy peaceful life is living with a Higher Power who is active in my life. Please go to some meetings and let us help. I know what it is like to be afraid of people and groups. One of the promises is that we WILL lose our fear of people. Higher Powered Blessings to you!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi boggin and welcome!
Your experience pretty much mirrors my own. It was exhausting leading that double life, but at some point after 20+ years I had enough. I found support here which gave me the courage to try AA. There are many options, find a means of suppport that works for you and don't fear sobriety, life is good now sober.
Your experience pretty much mirrors my own. It was exhausting leading that double life, but at some point after 20+ years I had enough. I found support here which gave me the courage to try AA. There are many options, find a means of suppport that works for you and don't fear sobriety, life is good now sober.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
Welcome!!! Wow just rolled that tape back, thank you for reminding me where i don't want to go, the only way out is through..I really hope you make it to that meeting and i just want to say that your courage and strength to go is sinspiring. I myself could never have gotten and stayed clean and sober for 10 months by myself!!
\\//peace
\\//peace
The Steps Work
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Hillsboro OR
Posts: 15
Boggin and God
I refer to myself as doubtingthomas for good reason. I was absolutely against God for most of my life because I thought that (He) was against me. Without going in to the whole story, I had a spiritual experience on March 25th, 1999 and I have not had a drink since. I looked in the other really big book and found the story about Thomas. That is what happened to me. Most people have what is referred to as a spiritual awakening, which is a more gentle and longer process. The Great Event happens to all of us eventually if we work the steps, practice the principles and help other alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Plymouth, MN
Posts: 960
Boggin,
You are not alone. I was a "functioning" alcoholic (what an oxymoron that is). I was able to keep a good job and look the perfect part but I was falling apart from the inside out. I was a daily drinker for about 4 -5 years. I would start from the time I got home from work until the time I went to bed (passed out). I drank a large bottle of wine a night (sometimes more, sometimes less). I too can't understand how I let it get out of hand until I became sober and had to deal with emotions and feelings. I was self-medicating -- the wine took care of my lonliness, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Toward the end of my drinking the booze was taking over. I was getting panic attacks that sent me to the emergency room twice. Sobriety is still new to me -- even though I was sober about 4 months several years ago. Each day I wake up sober and feeling healthy, it brings me more joy. Hang in there -- you're not alone.
I'm heading for my first AA meeting in years tonight. Hope you will go and find some fellowship.
Kathy
You are not alone. I was a "functioning" alcoholic (what an oxymoron that is). I was able to keep a good job and look the perfect part but I was falling apart from the inside out. I was a daily drinker for about 4 -5 years. I would start from the time I got home from work until the time I went to bed (passed out). I drank a large bottle of wine a night (sometimes more, sometimes less). I too can't understand how I let it get out of hand until I became sober and had to deal with emotions and feelings. I was self-medicating -- the wine took care of my lonliness, made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Toward the end of my drinking the booze was taking over. I was getting panic attacks that sent me to the emergency room twice. Sobriety is still new to me -- even though I was sober about 4 months several years ago. Each day I wake up sober and feeling healthy, it brings me more joy. Hang in there -- you're not alone.
I'm heading for my first AA meeting in years tonight. Hope you will go and find some fellowship.
Kathy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: brandon man, canada
Posts: 258
Hello BOGGIN, WOW You sound alot like i was and if i start drinking again well i,ll be back where i was so many times before.I drank every day for a long time to.Maybe when you go to the board meeting tell them you are hopefully going to get help.So sit down and think to yourself if you are ready to quit drinking and if you are then please look up a meeting place for A.A and go i tell you you will be happy you did,i sure was.Your not alone my friend so i wish you luck and try not to be so hard on yourself you can do it if you really want it bad enough.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Hi Boggin,
Welcome to SR - home from home for so many of us - a forum of friends who understand the complexities of addiction and the simplicity of not using too - Work that one out.......
I am rushing but just wanted to say hello and will post more later.....
Wishing all good things for you.....
Welcome to SR - home from home for so many of us - a forum of friends who understand the complexities of addiction and the simplicity of not using too - Work that one out.......
I am rushing but just wanted to say hello and will post more later.....
Wishing all good things for you.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
i commend you for admitting you have a problem and wanting to address it.anytime you get that fleeting feeling that maybe you really dont, flashback to your meeting at work. my ex cant see what the alcohol has done to him. i have got to believe that at one time he was very intelligent. now, there are things he asks,says,and does that prove differently. emotionally, he is very needy and negative. he holds his job, but has made mistakes that i was surprised he didnt lose his job over.(though,im starting to think the boss is also an a) dealing with a "a" sister, a son with various problems, and reading thru this website and boards made me come to the decision that he is only going to get worse before he gets better. and though,i would love to "stand by my man", things that have transpired in our relationship, that i wonder if the alcohol affected them, made me realize too that even though he says he loves me, i know he possibly CANNOT. at this stage i believe he was addicted to me, as much as the beer. even though we may not be compatable, he'd rather stay with me than have to put any effort into finding himself, or someone else.
since your company is willing to help you, take that and run with it!! you would be a fool to throw that aside. another company might not give you another chance at all. you have an opportunity, with good support---grab it!
since your company is willing to help you, take that and run with it!! you would be a fool to throw that aside. another company might not give you another chance at all. you have an opportunity, with good support---grab it!
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