Smudge

I have been sober for 23 days. Yesterday i was having an ok day- nothing super, but not bad either. As I was driving home last night I started haveing little flashbacks/snipetts/ of my childhood. My parents drank, my mother is an alcoholic, I have vivid memories of them selling drugs out of the house, the god aweful fights, screaming, smashing coffee cups, the fear I felt, the nightmares I had waking up screaming, the wetting the bed in the middle of the night and then getting spanked for it, so If it happened and I woke up I would get up and hide the sheets and remake my bed out of fear of getting into trouble.- I wasn't even 6 yet. My grandparents ended up taking me in at around 6 years old after a particularly bad fight my parents had when my father locked my mother out of the house, and she banged so hard on the window that she put her hand through the glass and cut herself up badley. Before that I remember my father trying to take me away from it- trying to get me out of the house, packing a paper bag with my clothes and getting me into the car and then having to yell and fight with my mother while he was trying to leave.

These are the only memories I have of my childhood. I've always wondered why I had anxiety problems, now I am learning why, and why it's good to not suppress these memories. I came home, hugged my Finace, cried and told him about it. I felt like a huge weight had lifted off me- It felt so good to talk about it, it was like I had finnally let it go. Is this what happened? How do you begin to heal after this?

Today I am grateful to be sober, and to be able to ome here and post. thanks for all of the support, and for allowing me to be supportive of others, even if in the beginning it's been when I can muster the stregth.

Anna

That's a great post Smudge. I found the same thing too. I kept my feelings suppressed for years. For many years I just got overly involved in everything I did, no drinking at that time. Then towards the end the drinking began because I think I was no longer able to deny the feelings. Of course, eventually the drinking had to stop and all the stuff had to be dealt with.

You've made a big step forward towards peace and serenity.

Love, Anna

Ama

(((JoAnne)))

Lovely post thank you ...... it has reminded me of all the work I have done on co-dependancy etc over the last 3 years. Loads of beneficial work but I kept drinking....Now I am working through the feelings too and it is so good to come out the other side of them without having needed to go to oblivion through drink....

Funny when you think that normal people do it all the time without drinking to anilhilation as alcoholics do........

We are so very lucky to be sober today - to embrace recovery today - to live through our fears and gain strength from them today......

na4today

Hey Smudge...that was a really good post, thanks. Since I started my journey, I have remembered so many things about my childhood. Actually I don't think I ever forgot the things that happened, just ignored it all. It is great relief to be able to let go of some of the past, and that which I can't let go of yet, I can begin to work through it. I have accepted that it is part of my recovery.

Andy F

Hi Smudge

I wet the bed every night till I was 14 and only stopped then because I was put into a kid's home. Then two years later I started drinking and I was doing it again. I've saved a fortune in laundry fees since I stopped drinking.

I appreciated your post and lots of memories and understandings arise in time. I had to remember drinking didn't resolve anything anymore.

Also, when I stopped drinking I could not remember a single thing before the age of 10. Then in years memories returned (I particularly remember wetting the bed!)