Jen26

Hi there,

I need some help and advice, anything really. First I'll tell a shameful story which makes me want to be sick every time I think about it. Nothing that bad happened but I almost can't bare thinking about it...

I had a bit of an arguement with my flat mates on Thursday night which left me feeling really angry, I can't really deal with anger, so I went to the pub where I got fairly plastered, then I went into the city with my sister and this is where the night gets a bit fuzzy. I know I left my sister at some point and went to the Casino, I must have been fairly wasted cause I don't remember it that well. I gambled a bit, had a few more drinks, then next thing I remember I'm no longer in the casino, I'm with a guy I don't know and where going back to his place. I know I agreed to this, I didn't sleep with him but only because he was too drunk too. I didn't even know his name untill I got a text from him after I got a lift home from him.

Then after arriving home at about midday I had to go on a long drive to Sydney to see my grandparents (I wasn't driving). Seeing as I was still fairly pissed and could feel a hangover coming on, I had another few drinks, after we got to my grandparents place I was offered a beer or two and ended up fairly bloody wasted again- in front of my grandparents. THe next day, after struggleing with a hangover, my sister and I checked into a lovely hotel after picking up family from the airport. I had to stay in the hotel for the next 24 hrs, being violently ill and feeling axious as hell, not being able to join in with them.

After all of that and a history of doing stupid stuff like that, I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic. I can't keep just moderating for a few weeks then going on a 24hr bender, it just doesn't work. I admitted I am an alcoholic to my mother as well....

But ever since then I've been feeling REALLY anxious, like I'm going to have a panic attack, I'm so very scared and upset and I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about alcoholics anonymous but I don't know where to start, I'm just feeling so alone, ashamed and helpless. I thought admitting I had a problem would be the easy bit!

Please any advice or comforting words would be very helpful.

Thanks,
Jen

PS I suppose this is my day 1!

whatdoiwin?

Hi Jen. I think you've taken a great step, and the most important step, in acknowledging you have a problem. You're not alone....you're among millions who share a similar struggle, and you'll find this site full of people who have been where you are and have nothing but support and fellowship to give to you.

there are online meetings here at SR in the chat room..here's the link to the times:

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/showthread.php?t=23800


I think the more information about addiction, and the more support you recieve the less anxiety you'll have. Keep coming back, and I'm glad you found your way here.

Anna

Hi Jen

Welcome and I'm glad you've chosen to stop drinking. It is really, really scary to face the situation and have to deal with it and to imagine life without alcohol. That is why people suggest trying to stay in the moment and take it slow. Don't get overwhelmed thinking about forever, just take small steps.

SR is a great place to come for support and encouragement.

Love, Anna

Time4Me11

Welcome Jen

You have already made some very big and important steps...admitting that you have a problem, being honest with those around you and reaching out for support. Feel free to say whatever you need here. There are many people here who have been in your shoes and are ready to help.

Jen26

Thank you so much for your support, I just can't believe admitting this to myself and other would be so hard or scary.

How do I get over the shame, anxiety and fear? Like I said above, I am close to being physically sick when I think about the incident I described above, What about all the other times? It seems like every time I try to think about/deal with the above, all the other embarressments, stuff ups and stupid things I've done on alcohol all come rushing back to haunt and shame me, until all I want to do is go under the covers and hide from the world- or go out and drink the feelings of shame away!

I've kinda known for almost a year now that I have a problem with alcohol, it's only yesterday that I managed to say it to someone else. Why am I in some kind of shock about it? It's not like it has come as a surprise!

I haven't hit a 'rock bottom' and I'm only 26, why can't I just drink like other people? why can't I control it?

Sorry, I know I'm just complaining, but I'm just so confused frightened and upset.....

Thanks again for your help,
Jen

Ama

Dear Jen,

How brave you are and must be now but you will find lots of help and advice and people including me in a very similar position and with equally nasty hazy memories too. It is NOT A GLAMEROUS disease but it is a bad disease that happens to good people like you and I.....

The anxiety is a combination of things and also shared by all who make that step towards admitting that their lives are not manageable with alcohol and that they are powerless over it......

Keep posting, keep reading, and check out to see if you can get to an AA meeting soon too. Do not dispair dear friend - you are on the road to freedom now....

kweather99

Welcome Jen! You are in the right place. You will find huge amounts of support, information, and kind people here. I hope you keep coming back.

I can relate to your story, for sure. I put myself into so many ridiculously dangerous situations because of my alcoholism and due to drinking, that I really can't even count them. I do need to remember where alcohol takes me, but I do not need to re-live each episode once I am in recovery, I was happy to learn.

What I found in the program of AA was a way out - I urge you to check out the AA board on this web site, and I urge you to get yourself to a live or online AA meeting ASAP. I would also suggest you find yourself a "temporary sponsor" who can be a vital help in the very early days of sobriety (as well as any time in sobriety).

You're in the right place and taking the right steps, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and it gets a whole lot better. Not right away though, it takes some time. I can tell you also that I found I had a progressive disease in being alcoholic, and my disease just keeps getting worse if I don't take proactive steps to get recovery from it. It doesn't matter where your particular bottom is, or that it may be higher or lower than anyone else's, it just matters that you are willing to be Honest about your disease, Open-minded about a potential solution, and Willing to go to any lenghts to get that solution.

We want to give you what we were so freely given - recovery. If you are willing to go to any lenghts to get it we will help you help yourself.

Best wishes!
Kevin

Jen26

Thank you to everyone who replied.

It's now day two and although I'm still ashamed of all my drunken nights (for some reason, every little thing I do at the moment reminds me of something stupid I have done on alcohol, which is quite painful) and I am still anxious as hell, I know I've made the right choice.

I talked to my Dad (who is an alcoholic and admits it freely, yet still drinks) about my decision yesterday and much to my surprise, he agreed that it was a good idea. I think it's the first open conversation about alcohol I've ever had with him! He said he too would have to quit, but he - lilke myself- has been saying that for a long time now.

Here's the weird thing: I hardly ever get sick- I get hangovers sent from hell- but rarely actually, legitimitally sick. Today is my day two off alcohol and my day 14 off ciggerettes, and I feel like hell! I have toncillitis, what feels like a chest infection and a chronic ear ache! It's the first time I have felt sick for years when it's not self inflicted!

So apart from the way I'm feeling, both physically and mentally, it's all been very positive so far!

Although I would like to know when this anxiety will go away, I'm feeling very mentally fragile...

Thanks again
Jen

Cathy31

Jen
It's great to have you here - welcome. And good for you for realising and acknowledging that you have a problem at such a young age. You asked about AA - well, it's a total life saver in my opinion - and alot of fun too and you get to make new friends while learning to be a better more spiritual person and not drink in the process! I know those feelings of shame all too well - it just used to horrify me what I would do when drunk and how I would act - but it happened again and again and again and like you all I wanted to do was be a normal drinker! But it aint never gonna happen! Not for me anyway - and I can live with that one day at a time!
what you need to do is look up an AA meeting in your area - look in phone book. Then what you is call them up and say hi I am jenny, and I would like to find a meeting in my area, I live at X. You also might want to say that you are new have never been to a meeting so could they get someone to call you maybe pick you up OR meet you outside the meeting - this will help you not to chicken out!!
You will be welcomed with OPEN ARMS! You don't have to live like this. Feeling emotionally fragile is totally normal - you will probably be onslaughted with feelings in the next short while - remember we use alcohol to numb ourselves to emotion - I didn't realise how much until I got sober. So try and go with it - AA REALLY REALLY REALLY helps. Give it a try.
Keep coming back, Jen!
Love
Cathy31
x
PS Gee, I can so relate to the self inflicted pain thing - I was also NEVER sick, except with DREADFUL hangovers...and about 2 weeks into giving up I got as sick as a DOG! Don't know why - but it was an interesting experience to be truly non self inflicted sick for once!!! Good luck!

Greatful2004

Hi Jen

AA teaches that we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I suggest you go to a mtg, it will help with the anxiety. We have all done things drunk that we would not do sober, it is part of the disease. In recovery, we have to find a way to accept those things about our selves and our past.

I'm so glad that you are on day 2, that's fantastic!

Also, everyone has a different "bottom" You say that you haven't hit bottom. Some people have what is referred to as a "high bottom" The sooner you stop drinking, the less pain you will cause yourself in the long run.

Good luck, and keep posting!

Ama

Rock Bottom......hahahaha

Every time I have returned to drink I have made a new one.....really - quite quite amazing......it just gets worse and worse and worse......

I am not a bag lady - I have a home and 4 of my 5 children still with me and a part-time job in a bank and etc etc etc........So not a rock bottom you may think BUT....that is the front that was maintained somehow....Drink has ruined sooooo sooooo much that is not repairable and my relationship with my eldest daughter true proof of same. My other children are with physcotherapists and also attending family therap......

Yes it could be worse and if I drink again it will be.........My "high bottom" is rock bottom......

Keep posting and keep staying and thinking sober......i will post later and see how you are getting along......

luluabel

(((Jen))) i so know were your coming from so many times i have got myself into bad bad situations that never would have happened had i not been drunk out of my head and i have made my self very ill with shame and guilt and remorse,as resently as this weekend ,I just want to wish you luck on your journey to sobriety the only thing that truelly will make us alcoholics feel better ......keep coming back and posting you will get brilliant surport here at SR love Lulu xx