i must be insane
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Vicksburg, Michigan
Posts: 56
i must be insane
Hello S.R. gang,
Well it has been a while since I posted, I have been in a state of living hell.
I have allways considered myself to be a strong person, determined once my mind is made up, but I have failed in just about every persuit of latelly.
I was doing great with the not drinking for so long but with all the emotional stuff I am dealing with if somebody told me water would allow me a moments reprieve I would have gone there also.
I am losing my wife and family because of all the things I have done in the last ten years, drinking, not coming home, etc.
I spent the weekend packing up my life and getting our house ready to put on the market, and crying, alot of crying.
I think I may have hit an emotional inpass and I am afraid I may not come out of it, with thoughts that I just should not have I take it one second at a time, I know time heals wounds and I have the power to turn this to something positive if I could only see some light in such a dark place.
I pray, but feel allmost like I am being puished, as if the lesson I was supposed to learn is several years overdue.
I just cannot stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to do what is right it seems, I watch my wife smile and carry on as if this does not bother her, she is allmost free of alcoholism and depression, her life will be great, she has a good support net in her family where I walk alone.
I am truly afraid that I am not worthy of forgiveness, and my kids will know the truth and be ashamed.
April first I get new insurance with a low co-pay for mental health care, I will be trying to find help with my depression and alcoholism as I have nothing but pain to offer a mate it seems.
Just needed to vent, maybe put some of it in perspective.
John.
Well it has been a while since I posted, I have been in a state of living hell.
I have allways considered myself to be a strong person, determined once my mind is made up, but I have failed in just about every persuit of latelly.
I was doing great with the not drinking for so long but with all the emotional stuff I am dealing with if somebody told me water would allow me a moments reprieve I would have gone there also.
I am losing my wife and family because of all the things I have done in the last ten years, drinking, not coming home, etc.
I spent the weekend packing up my life and getting our house ready to put on the market, and crying, alot of crying.
I think I may have hit an emotional inpass and I am afraid I may not come out of it, with thoughts that I just should not have I take it one second at a time, I know time heals wounds and I have the power to turn this to something positive if I could only see some light in such a dark place.
I pray, but feel allmost like I am being puished, as if the lesson I was supposed to learn is several years overdue.
I just cannot stop feeling sorry for myself long enough to do what is right it seems, I watch my wife smile and carry on as if this does not bother her, she is allmost free of alcoholism and depression, her life will be great, she has a good support net in her family where I walk alone.
I am truly afraid that I am not worthy of forgiveness, and my kids will know the truth and be ashamed.
April first I get new insurance with a low co-pay for mental health care, I will be trying to find help with my depression and alcoholism as I have nothing but pain to offer a mate it seems.
Just needed to vent, maybe put some of it in perspective.
John.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
John,
how long have you been sober? The ordeal you're going thru right now makes non alkies depressed. How many meetings you going to a week? Was your wife's leaving a result from your drinking? This happens to a lot of people their spouses and they find out they've changeds when, they are no longer drinking. The things I overlooked drinking, I don't not drinking.
I'd be hitting a lot of meetings, working with your sponser and others in AA. Stay active in AA. Help set the meetings up, offer rides etc. Right now, you need support and that's what AA is about. You tell any one in the meetings what's going on with you? I got people call me and come by theu don't see my butt at a meeting for longer then a week and I've got several years in AA sober.
Most importantly, pray and keep praying. Page 449 in the Big Book states nothing happens in God's world by mistake. When, you grasp this your life will get a lot easier.
Right now, you be the best dad you can to your kids cause, we probably haven't a clue, how much they suffer from our divorces
chris
how long have you been sober? The ordeal you're going thru right now makes non alkies depressed. How many meetings you going to a week? Was your wife's leaving a result from your drinking? This happens to a lot of people their spouses and they find out they've changeds when, they are no longer drinking. The things I overlooked drinking, I don't not drinking.
I'd be hitting a lot of meetings, working with your sponser and others in AA. Stay active in AA. Help set the meetings up, offer rides etc. Right now, you need support and that's what AA is about. You tell any one in the meetings what's going on with you? I got people call me and come by theu don't see my butt at a meeting for longer then a week and I've got several years in AA sober.
Most importantly, pray and keep praying. Page 449 in the Big Book states nothing happens in God's world by mistake. When, you grasp this your life will get a lot easier.
Right now, you be the best dad you can to your kids cause, we probably haven't a clue, how much they suffer from our divorces
chris
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: QVB NYC NY
Posts: 620
hang tough puppy, you're not walking alone bro!
i can totally relate to your pain, for i am goingthrough something similar. it's a pain worse than any other i've ever felt, but it lessens with time. as for my kids, they are in their teens, so they know full well about the disease and what it did to me, and to them through me.
but they have a newfound respect for me and we are closer than ever because i chose recovery over alcoholism.
the feeling sorry part is normal for us, our disease wants us there so it can manipulate us. by drinking we only make the pain worse in the long run, temporary feel goods accomplish nothing.
by coming here and venting you are showing that you want to get better, your also helping any alcoholic who reads this. you've definitely touched me bro.
good luck, stick close and try to get to a meeting!
i can totally relate to your pain, for i am goingthrough something similar. it's a pain worse than any other i've ever felt, but it lessens with time. as for my kids, they are in their teens, so they know full well about the disease and what it did to me, and to them through me.
but they have a newfound respect for me and we are closer than ever because i chose recovery over alcoholism.
the feeling sorry part is normal for us, our disease wants us there so it can manipulate us. by drinking we only make the pain worse in the long run, temporary feel goods accomplish nothing.
by coming here and venting you are showing that you want to get better, your also helping any alcoholic who reads this. you've definitely touched me bro.
good luck, stick close and try to get to a meeting!
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
(((John)))
I am sorry that you are going through this. IMO you are NOT being punished, that is not the way it works. I won't say the pain will go away,you know it will, but you have to feel it and get through it, and you will.
You are not alone, you have all of us here doing the same thing as you, living life on lifes terms even though it doesn't always seem fair.
How about an AA meeting? how about some face to face support.
Don't trip on tomorrow, stay in today, focus on doing just what you need to get through today.
We are here, you are not alone.
I am sorry that you are going through this. IMO you are NOT being punished, that is not the way it works. I won't say the pain will go away,you know it will, but you have to feel it and get through it, and you will.
You are not alone, you have all of us here doing the same thing as you, living life on lifes terms even though it doesn't always seem fair.
How about an AA meeting? how about some face to face support.
Don't trip on tomorrow, stay in today, focus on doing just what you need to get through today.
We are here, you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Vicksburg, Michigan
Posts: 56
Well...I have been sober since yesterday, I didn't get drunk but I had two beers while packing.
As far as A.A. I need to go for sure, it has been too long, I lost my group when I had to go on second shift.
I know where there is a noon meeting and have meant to go but......but.
yea I know MAKE the time.
Thanks for all the support, it truly does help.
John.
As far as A.A. I need to go for sure, it has been too long, I lost my group when I had to go on second shift.
I know where there is a noon meeting and have meant to go but......but.
yea I know MAKE the time.
Thanks for all the support, it truly does help.
John.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
(((((lostPuppy)))))) praying for ya, just don't lose sight of this opportunity of living your life sober!! Your HP is throwing you a life preserver, hang on to it with all the fever of of a drowning man-says sometining like that in the BB. I remember when my girls told me they didn't want to live with me anymore, and the denial i went through....I lived for 3 years on the streets, I didn't see it as a wake up call....I just dove into my addiction. Thank God I'm alive to tell about it. in the months that have gone by since reaching for that life preserver myself my life ahs gotten better. My kids love me no matter what and they are so proud of me. I choose not to throw that away.
I had no support system and even today I still don't talk to alot of my family. My dad won't even give me his phone number....but thats ok, with my meetings and the sober friends I have today I am a happier person. Get yourself to a meeting John, everyday..
go to any length to save yourself, guilt and shame are heavy burdens to bear, I know, but i can get better. Praying for you!!
I had no support system and even today I still don't talk to alot of my family. My dad won't even give me his phone number....but thats ok, with my meetings and the sober friends I have today I am a happier person. Get yourself to a meeting John, everyday..
go to any length to save yourself, guilt and shame are heavy burdens to bear, I know, but i can get better. Praying for you!!
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