Any Suggestions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Orange County, CA
Posts: 69
Any Suggestions
I have been reading these boards for a little while now, and I thought that I would finally post. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. After reading some of the threads, I felt inspired, and will say you guys have made some amazing accomplishments, and I hope one day that I can be celebrating with you.
I am a 26 year old college student with a fairly promising future, I have a new car, I am self employed, and I also drink practically a fifth of brandy a night as well as seven to eight beers a week. I have been drinking like this for roughly three and a half years. I avoid driving while drinking, and encourage my friends who do not drink not to start. At times, I get hangovers so bad to where I cannot leave the house. I have had a history of depression, and I think ultimately the reason why I drink is because it just shuts my mind up. It feels as though I am to a point where I cannot handle my own feelings anymore and I am scared of emotions. In comparison to other people in the world, I feel that ultimately my circumstances are nothing compared to what others have to go through.
I do have occasional nights where I do not drink. I've even been to a few AA meetings, but as time goes by, I usually start drinking again. I just feel as though I cannot commit, and look too far into the future. On the nights that I don't drink, I just feel this emptiness and irritation that is so beyond anything I have experienced. Recently, I have become fearful of the physical consequences of drinking (i.e. pancreaitis, cirrohsis, etc).
I do not know if I can quit tomorrow, but I figured just posting this would be a positive step.
I am a 26 year old college student with a fairly promising future, I have a new car, I am self employed, and I also drink practically a fifth of brandy a night as well as seven to eight beers a week. I have been drinking like this for roughly three and a half years. I avoid driving while drinking, and encourage my friends who do not drink not to start. At times, I get hangovers so bad to where I cannot leave the house. I have had a history of depression, and I think ultimately the reason why I drink is because it just shuts my mind up. It feels as though I am to a point where I cannot handle my own feelings anymore and I am scared of emotions. In comparison to other people in the world, I feel that ultimately my circumstances are nothing compared to what others have to go through.
I do have occasional nights where I do not drink. I've even been to a few AA meetings, but as time goes by, I usually start drinking again. I just feel as though I cannot commit, and look too far into the future. On the nights that I don't drink, I just feel this emptiness and irritation that is so beyond anything I have experienced. Recently, I have become fearful of the physical consequences of drinking (i.e. pancreaitis, cirrohsis, etc).
I do not know if I can quit tomorrow, but I figured just posting this would be a positive step.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: London
Posts: 448
Hi CDr55
re. any suggestions - As well as AA and posting here, you could take a look at www.smartrecovery.org.
re. any suggestions - As well as AA and posting here, you could take a look at www.smartrecovery.org.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Welcome to SoberRecovery.And yes,posting here was a positive step.I would recommend trying more AA meetings.It takes more than just sitting in a meeting.You should also have a sponsor and work the steps.It takes a lotta commitment and work but the rewards make it well worth it.I would recommend a meeting a day for the first 90 days.In the meantime keep coming back here to SoberRecovery.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Welcome!
I know how hard it is to imagine giving up alcohol, and I'm glad you decided to post here. I, too drank to push down my emotions and to just stop feeling. Are you taking medication for depression? If not, it might be worth considering. I couldn't get it together to stay sober until my depression was treated. Also, alcohol will likely increase your depression and you will probably feel better by just stopping drinking.
I hope you keep visiting here because it is an inspiring place. You can stop if you commit yourself to the decision and we're here to help.
Anna
I know how hard it is to imagine giving up alcohol, and I'm glad you decided to post here. I, too drank to push down my emotions and to just stop feeling. Are you taking medication for depression? If not, it might be worth considering. I couldn't get it together to stay sober until my depression was treated. Also, alcohol will likely increase your depression and you will probably feel better by just stopping drinking.
I hope you keep visiting here because it is an inspiring place. You can stop if you commit yourself to the decision and we're here to help.
Anna
Agnostic with faith
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Lisbon, Portugal
Posts: 94
You can stop, we can't.
Hello CDr55,
Posting this site is always a positive step, even in your case which doesn't seem to me as you're an alcoholic. Let's take it step by step.
You're 26. According to my psychiatrist and another doctor especialized in addictions, it is very rare to become an alcoholic before 25. So what, you're a year older (26). You need years of heavy drinking, and I mean heavy, to become addicted. You've been drinking for three and a half years an average of a fifth of a bottle of Brandy and 7 or 8 beers a week. My dear friend 7 or 8 beers were only to warm up. I'd continue to well over thirty EVERY DAY.Sometimes you have a hangover that does't allow you to leave the house. I can't leave bed, I can't call 911 (that's true, someone has to do it for me), I puke at all times even when my stomach is empty, I can't stand light or sounds, I can't sleep, need I go on?
Now comes the most "doubting" part. You cannot handle your feelings anymore and you're scared of your emotions. You Feel you cannot commit and look to far into the future. Those are common feelings in alcoholics, but not exclusive to us.
You have had a depression story, AND SO HAVE I. Believe me, I know what it feels like, and I was stupid enough to drink Armaggedon-like amounts of beer, wine, vodka... I became an alcoholic then, but I was a heavy(er) drinker for about 5 or 6 times longer than you: I could still say no at that time.
Making a long story short, I don't think you're an alcoholic, just an excessive drinker who can still stop at will (we can't), and as far as the emotional part is concerned (I'm not a shrink, but I sure know a good one and I've always listen to him and memorized his diagnosis) you seem to be depressed again. How deeply depressed, I can't tell you but I sure can tell you one thing: the Doc will never prescribe you Booze
Nor do we, for that matter. Seek help somewhere else, and if I'm totally and catastrophically wrong, then I'm sorry in advance, and I'll wellcome you again.
Don't stop going to A/A meetings, just in case, but go see a Psychiatrist.
Huggs and best of luck (don't drink anymore from now on; see if you can do it)
Posting this site is always a positive step, even in your case which doesn't seem to me as you're an alcoholic. Let's take it step by step.
You're 26. According to my psychiatrist and another doctor especialized in addictions, it is very rare to become an alcoholic before 25. So what, you're a year older (26). You need years of heavy drinking, and I mean heavy, to become addicted. You've been drinking for three and a half years an average of a fifth of a bottle of Brandy and 7 or 8 beers a week. My dear friend 7 or 8 beers were only to warm up. I'd continue to well over thirty EVERY DAY.Sometimes you have a hangover that does't allow you to leave the house. I can't leave bed, I can't call 911 (that's true, someone has to do it for me), I puke at all times even when my stomach is empty, I can't stand light or sounds, I can't sleep, need I go on?
Now comes the most "doubting" part. You cannot handle your feelings anymore and you're scared of your emotions. You Feel you cannot commit and look to far into the future. Those are common feelings in alcoholics, but not exclusive to us.
You have had a depression story, AND SO HAVE I. Believe me, I know what it feels like, and I was stupid enough to drink Armaggedon-like amounts of beer, wine, vodka... I became an alcoholic then, but I was a heavy(er) drinker for about 5 or 6 times longer than you: I could still say no at that time.
Making a long story short, I don't think you're an alcoholic, just an excessive drinker who can still stop at will (we can't), and as far as the emotional part is concerned (I'm not a shrink, but I sure know a good one and I've always listen to him and memorized his diagnosis) you seem to be depressed again. How deeply depressed, I can't tell you but I sure can tell you one thing: the Doc will never prescribe you Booze
Nor do we, for that matter. Seek help somewhere else, and if I'm totally and catastrophically wrong, then I'm sorry in advance, and I'll wellcome you again.
Don't stop going to A/A meetings, just in case, but go see a Psychiatrist.
Huggs and best of luck (don't drink anymore from now on; see if you can do it)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
I have been reading these boards for a little while now, and I thought that I would finally post. I figured it couldn't hurt anything. After reading some of the threads, I felt inspired, and will say you guys have made some amazing accomplishments, and I hope one day that I can be celebrating with you.
I am glad that you are reading and feeling inspired, thats a beginning, and for this alkie, I had to begin somewhere, because nothing I was doing alone, was working for me.
I am a 26 year old college student with a fairly promising future, I have a new car, I am self employed, and I also drink practically a fifth of brandy a night as well as seven to eight beers a week. I have been drinking like this for roughly three and a half years. I avoid driving while drinking, and encourage my friends who do not drink not to start. At times, I get hangovers so bad to where I cannot leave the house. I have had a history of depression, and I think ultimately the reason why I drink is because it just shuts my mind up. It feels as though I am to a point where I cannot handle my own feelings anymore and I am scared of emotions.
CD, I have learned that the disease of alcoholism is 3 fold. Mental, physical and spiritual. The mental part of this disease is that I had absolutely no control over the "obsession" of the mind. I obsessed about alcohol constantly. That yacking that goes on in my mind, the talking that I was listening to, that I couldn't shut off no matter what I did, except to get a drink. A drink always shut off "my obsessive thinking" about alcohol. I was very aware of the "thinking" that preceded the first drink, because I was completely unable to "think" about anything else but alcohol.
On a daily basis I became anxious, irritable and discontent, and these "feelings" grew and grew until I could once again take a drink. One drink, and these obsessive thoughts, left me. I had no clue at all how to stop my "thinking" or that "my thinking" is what guarenteed that I would take the first drink every single time.
What I wasn't aware of is the physical craving, the compulsion that is set up every single time I put one drink of alcohol into my body. The physical compulsion manifested itself in one way..... after I took that first drink, I would continue to drink until I was drunk, sick and out of control. I heard it described at an AA meeting as "The physical compulsion for MORE"
I identified immediately with what this AA member shared from the podium about his own drinking. It was as if he was talking about me, as if he knew me and knew exactly what happened to me whenever I took that first drink. It was such a relief to hear him share that, because I knew that I was not alone, that I was not insane, that there were others out there who understood exactly what I was "thinking and feeling".......and they weren't drinking.
Now that was amazing to this alkie, and I wanted to know how they stopped drinking, how they dealt with the obsession of the mind, that always lead to picking up the first drink, that always lead to MORE, that always lead to getting drunk, sick and out of control.
CD, there IS a solution.
I am grateful that I did keep coming, that I took the suggestions, because nothing, absolutely nothing that I was doing alone was working when it came to my drinking and my "thinking"
I do have occasional nights where I do not drink. I've even been to a few AA meetings, but as time goes by, I usually start drinking again. I just feel as though I cannot commit, and look too far into the future. On the nights that I don't drink, I just feel this emptiness and irritation that is so beyond anything I have experienced. Recently, I have become fearful of the physical consequences of drinking (i.e. pancreaitis, cirrohsis, etc).
Those were the moments that I couldn't lie to myself, that even I wasn't buying my flimsy excuses anymore, and that the reality of my drinking couldn't be denied.....that I had somehow, someway completely lost the power to choose "not" to drink. This scared me to death and I would begin "feeling" anxious, irritable, discontent, frightened out of my mind, angry at what I had become, depressed and feeling so ashamed and "feelings" of deep lonliness that only alcoholics understand. Being alone with my "thoughts", being unable to deal with the self loathing, the self hatred that accompanied my drinking, was constant now. And being totally alone, and unable to stop the obsessive thoughts that sometimes whispered, and sometimes screamed inside my head, my "thinking" would begin telling me that all I really needed was a drink.
I do not know if I can quit tomorrow, but I figured just posting this would be a positive step.
What they suggested to this alkie is to get to an AA meeting, ask for help, sit and listen, identify and do not compare, get some phone numbers and call one of them before I pick up that first sucker drink. Talk with another alcoholic, because its one alcoholic, helping another to stay sober in this one day, sometimes from moment to moment. Get a Big Book and read it, and get to as many AA meetings as I could. Don't drink and just keep coming... no matter what.
Glad you are here CD, and if you choose to, you never have to be alone again
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Hi CDR55, welcome! That emptiness you mentioned feeling when you try to stop is pretty normal. I felt totally empty and depressed when I first stopped drinking.The good news is that it eventully fades, and sometimes goes completely away. What you have to try to do at first is fill that emptiness with posative things. AA, as mentioned is a good thing. It has many, myself included. Take it one day at a time. Agree with yourself that you will not drink today - no matter what. Get out to meetings, hang out afterwards an talk with the other alcoholics. Keep posting here on SR. Its a great resource available 24/7 for help insight and support.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Welcome CD!
You'll find a lot of information and support here. There's a large percentage of alcoholics who suffer from depression as well. Have you sought help for this, the depression? You have many options, find something that will work for you.. when your ready.
You'll find a lot of information and support here. There's a large percentage of alcoholics who suffer from depression as well. Have you sought help for this, the depression? You have many options, find something that will work for you.. when your ready.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 307
Hi CD,
Welcome! Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. That said, sounds like you feel you have a problem with alcohol. As others have said, consultation with a physician regarding depression would probably be a good idea. In addtion, I would go to a few AA meetings, preferably beginner's meetings, and listen to what others have to say about their struggles and successes. You will hear your story at some point if you keep going back. I too would drink for about 5 nights a week and suffer sober for the remaining 2 nights. I was irritable and downright nasty on the sober nights. I now know that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink. I have found indescribable relief in going to AA daily and meeting with my sponsor. You don't have to drink in order to feel ok. I would also say that it is possible to be an anlcoholic at 26. I know I was by the age of 21. Age, sex, social position, or any other factor we think makes us immune to this disease does not, in reality, matter in the least.
Hang in there and try that first meeting.
Welcome! Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic. That said, sounds like you feel you have a problem with alcohol. As others have said, consultation with a physician regarding depression would probably be a good idea. In addtion, I would go to a few AA meetings, preferably beginner's meetings, and listen to what others have to say about their struggles and successes. You will hear your story at some point if you keep going back. I too would drink for about 5 nights a week and suffer sober for the remaining 2 nights. I was irritable and downright nasty on the sober nights. I now know that I am an alcoholic and cannot drink. I have found indescribable relief in going to AA daily and meeting with my sponsor. You don't have to drink in order to feel ok. I would also say that it is possible to be an anlcoholic at 26. I know I was by the age of 21. Age, sex, social position, or any other factor we think makes us immune to this disease does not, in reality, matter in the least.
Hang in there and try that first meeting.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Mid-Life Express
Posts: 9,930
Welcome CD,
Glad you came, if you have doubts about your drinking and you drink to block out emotion/thoughts, then you might go and see your doctor, keep posting and get to know us.
indigo
Glad you came, if you have doubts about your drinking and you drink to block out emotion/thoughts, then you might go and see your doctor, keep posting and get to know us.
indigo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Good Ole' Rocky Top!
Posts: 3,540
Welcome CD ----
I, in the end, always drank to shut out my emotions. Did not want to feel them. And could not sleep without the alcohol.
You are young. You have made a brilliant first step in coming here and sharing your story and your thoughts and fears.
Keep coming back. Take everyone's suggestions. See a doctor. Go to AA or some other means of support. Do WHATEVER you need to do to get yourself free. You sill have plenty of life ahead of you. Enjoy it sober.
Love and hugs to you,
Ang
I, in the end, always drank to shut out my emotions. Did not want to feel them. And could not sleep without the alcohol.
You are young. You have made a brilliant first step in coming here and sharing your story and your thoughts and fears.
Keep coming back. Take everyone's suggestions. See a doctor. Go to AA or some other means of support. Do WHATEVER you need to do to get yourself free. You sill have plenty of life ahead of you. Enjoy it sober.
Love and hugs to you,
Ang
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