More proof addiction is progressive and incureable
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Mobile, Alabama
Posts: 27
More proof addiction is progressive and incureable
Hello all; I thought I'd introduce myself. My name is Tom and I am an alcoholic and a drug addict. I quit drinking in 11/89 and worked the program very hard for about 5 years, then not so hard for the next 3 or so, after moving to a new state. I slowly and unconsciously became a fairly classic dry drunk. I went to a meeting once or twice a year, but stopped working the steps or helping others. I was technically sober, but not particularly happy. I did find some peace through compulsive exercise, but that's about it.
Then I made a trip to Mexico with some friends in the spring of '03, and one of them bought a box of valium from one of the pharmacias. He gave me a blister pack of 10, which I had every intention of giving to my wife, who uses benzodiazepines every once in a blue moon for high-stress situations like funerals, flying, etc.
Well, 2 weeks later I was sitting in a hotel room with that blister pack of valium and the disease finally got me. I took a couple, and it felt like heaven.
I told myself hey, I'm not drinking, and I never was really a drug addict back in the day, so I'm o.k. Wrong.
Slowly, surely, and progressively, my drug use escalated and my life deteriorated. I was back to isolating, lying, and hiding from any and all responsibilities. Those 2 valium tablets very quickly led to a daily diet of hydrocodone, Didrex, and valium in ever-increasing quanities. Still, oddly, I did not drink. I suppose that was how the disease protected itself---"I'm just an alcoholic, and if I'm not drinking, I must be ok." Total self-deception.
Eventually, I woke up and became determined to turn it around again. On about 1/15/05 I decided to taper my hydrocodone use because tolerance was becoming a problem. When withdrawal kicked in, I had a wake-up call and realized I needed to quit it all. I had my last dose of hydrocodone on 1/20/05. I quit the Didrex at the same time. The physical withdrawal was very miserable, but I did it. I also began a slow valium taper, and am now down to 7.5 mg. a day from my former 20mg/day. I have never increased the dose since beginning the taper, and am committed to weaning myself slowly and safely off of the valium. I would stop immediately if it was safe to do so, but I know that it is not safe to do so given my duration of use.
Anyway, I went to a meeting and told the truth last week--that I had blown about 13 years of continuous sobriety because I thought I was different. I'm not. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, and I am very fortunate that I figured it out--again---before it killed me or someone else.
I have a lot of step work to do to get back to where I need to be, but I will do it. I've done it before. I know now, from personal experience, that it must be a life long commitment.
I feel much better than I have in a long time, although I do have to face bouts of depression and anxiety without chemical escape. I wish I could be a "controlled user" of medication, or alcohol, but I know that I cannot. If it feels good, I can and will become addicted to it if given the opportunity. That is who I am.
Anyway, I am glad to be back in the fold.
Then I made a trip to Mexico with some friends in the spring of '03, and one of them bought a box of valium from one of the pharmacias. He gave me a blister pack of 10, which I had every intention of giving to my wife, who uses benzodiazepines every once in a blue moon for high-stress situations like funerals, flying, etc.
Well, 2 weeks later I was sitting in a hotel room with that blister pack of valium and the disease finally got me. I took a couple, and it felt like heaven.
I told myself hey, I'm not drinking, and I never was really a drug addict back in the day, so I'm o.k. Wrong.
Slowly, surely, and progressively, my drug use escalated and my life deteriorated. I was back to isolating, lying, and hiding from any and all responsibilities. Those 2 valium tablets very quickly led to a daily diet of hydrocodone, Didrex, and valium in ever-increasing quanities. Still, oddly, I did not drink. I suppose that was how the disease protected itself---"I'm just an alcoholic, and if I'm not drinking, I must be ok." Total self-deception.
Eventually, I woke up and became determined to turn it around again. On about 1/15/05 I decided to taper my hydrocodone use because tolerance was becoming a problem. When withdrawal kicked in, I had a wake-up call and realized I needed to quit it all. I had my last dose of hydrocodone on 1/20/05. I quit the Didrex at the same time. The physical withdrawal was very miserable, but I did it. I also began a slow valium taper, and am now down to 7.5 mg. a day from my former 20mg/day. I have never increased the dose since beginning the taper, and am committed to weaning myself slowly and safely off of the valium. I would stop immediately if it was safe to do so, but I know that it is not safe to do so given my duration of use.
Anyway, I went to a meeting and told the truth last week--that I had blown about 13 years of continuous sobriety because I thought I was different. I'm not. I have a disease that tells me I don't have a disease, and I am very fortunate that I figured it out--again---before it killed me or someone else.
I have a lot of step work to do to get back to where I need to be, but I will do it. I've done it before. I know now, from personal experience, that it must be a life long commitment.
I feel much better than I have in a long time, although I do have to face bouts of depression and anxiety without chemical escape. I wish I could be a "controlled user" of medication, or alcohol, but I know that I cannot. If it feels good, I can and will become addicted to it if given the opportunity. That is who I am.
Anyway, I am glad to be back in the fold.
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
welcome back hopeful2day.
I did one of those experiments also. After 11 years of being clean and sober.
2 weeks of drinking, right to the straight hard stuff after a week.
My body started craving it more, drinking to just feel normal again.
My body started aching a lot. People said I looked paled.
Incurable and also progressive, like I've never stopped.
I'm gratful I'm back and still alive.
I can humbly share about it ,My personal experince shows
it is not a myth.
I did one of those experiments also. After 11 years of being clean and sober.
2 weeks of drinking, right to the straight hard stuff after a week.
My body started craving it more, drinking to just feel normal again.
My body started aching a lot. People said I looked paled.
Incurable and also progressive, like I've never stopped.
I'm gratful I'm back and still alive.
I can humbly share about it ,My personal experince shows
it is not a myth.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hi Hopeful--Thank you so much for sharing your story. As I get closer and closer to the one year mark, I realize more and more that I must stay close to my program. Thank you for another reminder.
Miss Behavin'
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: regina,saskatchewan
Posts: 966
Welcome, if wishes were horses, beggars would be choosy!!!!
All i know is I can't control anything, so I'm going to meetings, reading , praying, working on getting a sponsor, working on step 6 and not using one day at a time. Not to mention trying to be a normal person, well I'm a drug addicted alcoholic and the only normal thing i know of is a cycle on the washing machine!!!! Keep workin at it and keep coming back here, its working for me \\// peace
All i know is I can't control anything, so I'm going to meetings, reading , praying, working on getting a sponsor, working on step 6 and not using one day at a time. Not to mention trying to be a normal person, well I'm a drug addicted alcoholic and the only normal thing i know of is a cycle on the washing machine!!!! Keep workin at it and keep coming back here, its working for me \\// peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 307
Hi Hopeful,
Good to have you here. I know how hard it is to come back after working the program a while. I had a year and a half and a sponsor a long time ago. Went out after finishing the fourth step. I can relate to your story. Please keep posting.
Good to have you here. I know how hard it is to come back after working the program a while. I had a year and a half and a sponsor a long time ago. Went out after finishing the fourth step. I can relate to your story. Please keep posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Mobile, Alabama
Posts: 27
Thanks for the kind words everybody.
I went to another "brick and mortar" meeting last night, and just listened. That was a new experience for me. I probably chaired 1,000 meetings back in the 90's. I even helped start a non-profit inpatient residential half-way house in my first years of sobriety. I have been reading my old yellowed Big Book, which stilll rings true. It is amazing how much I have forgotten about this way of life. I am a newcomer again.
I remember hearing stories from people who went back out after many years, and always thought it could never happen to me. Very humbling.
I need to contact my old friends who are still in recovery and fess up. I also need to go to enough meetings to find a new local sponsor with whom to work the steps again.
It is nice to have this board available for quick contact with recovery. Internet recovery was in its infancy when I "checked out" of the program; it has come a long way in the interem.
I also went to the gym yesterday, which really helped, although I can hardly move today. I had become a rather pathetic physical specimen during my drug binge. I did not even know it. I just looked at a bunch of pictures taken this past summer, and I looked like a frigg'in corpse. I thought I was fine at the time.
Now, back to progress...
I went to another "brick and mortar" meeting last night, and just listened. That was a new experience for me. I probably chaired 1,000 meetings back in the 90's. I even helped start a non-profit inpatient residential half-way house in my first years of sobriety. I have been reading my old yellowed Big Book, which stilll rings true. It is amazing how much I have forgotten about this way of life. I am a newcomer again.
I remember hearing stories from people who went back out after many years, and always thought it could never happen to me. Very humbling.
I need to contact my old friends who are still in recovery and fess up. I also need to go to enough meetings to find a new local sponsor with whom to work the steps again.
It is nice to have this board available for quick contact with recovery. Internet recovery was in its infancy when I "checked out" of the program; it has come a long way in the interem.
I also went to the gym yesterday, which really helped, although I can hardly move today. I had become a rather pathetic physical specimen during my drug binge. I did not even know it. I just looked at a bunch of pictures taken this past summer, and I looked like a frigg'in corpse. I thought I was fine at the time.
Now, back to progress...
Learning as I go
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 730
welcome back hopeful and welcome to SR. I think I will always be a newcomer. I have almost 4 months this time around. Every day I wake up is day one to me. I know if I get too confident with time and being clean, it will be the end of recovery and the beginning of relapse.
have a good 24
na4today
have a good 24
na4today
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