Jupiter,
I can totally relate to everything you said and are experiencing. I, too, said little or nothing to anyone before the meeting last night (second after relapse) and bolted for the parking lot after the meeting. I know this is fear-based, and it will pass if I keep showing up.

I also know about lying to one's wife. I did tell my wife I am back going to meetings, but did not tell her about my relapse into drug use. I will have to work through that with a sponser to find the right path. Meanwhile, I am beginning every day with the third step prayer, and doing my best to live it:

"God, I offer myself to thee, to be with me and to do with my as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always..."

I believe I relapsed because I stopped going to meetings, and as a consequence, I stopped helping others. I now truly believe that "you have to give it away to keep it." That has certainly been my experience.

relapse KING
 

Hi Jupitor, 1987 I was court ordered into AA, & 3-5 days was the most I could muster.I knew I had problems with vodka,coke,Pills,gambling etc etc. finially got a 30 day chip after going to mtgs shy, quick out the door.I was cured.My 3 yrs of probation ended but my alkie troubles did not.Then back to AA for what seems like a 13 year period of relapses after relapses.My junk drawer had so so many 30-60-90- 6 month coins in was shameful. Then when Id return to AA with my tail between my legs ,shamed saying Im Chris , alcoholic & I slipped again.AND ALL THESE friggin oldtimers would clap, smile, thank me for showing them that they couldnt have just that one drink>I felt like the posterchild for saving thier sobriety..(at the cost of my health, drivers license,sanity, relationships,.)& always worried about bumping into old faces, sponsors,what sober people thought about my shallow talks,trying to say the right thing around old timers. screw them..what they think about me is none of my buisiness and Im here to save my arse.. Besides later found 99.9% of that was in my head. O.K. Now Ive relapsed enuff to help ALL them its time to pass the torch.stay sober for me and unfortunately watch them come in beat down ,tail between thier legs and thank them for a change for reinforcing why I shouldnt pick up that 1st drink wood chip

woodchip,

I'll hold onto this from what you said: "what they think about me is none of my business and I'm here to save my a**". Too cool! You also made me laugh my a** off. You made my day with that post.

THANKS buddy!