Macphisto

I'm actually kidding when I blame the Super Bowl. Yeasterday was about 90 days sober and I totally screwed it up. I was doing really good at my friend's Super Bowl part. Everyone was drinking and I was maintaining my cool. My kistake was I thought "What the hell, I'll just drink a couple". Next thing you know I was pretty drunk. Thank God my wife was there sober and she could drive us home. that wasn't the end of it though. During the party I called a connection through a friend and got some "crystal" as in meth. I needed to go back to work that night so I figured this would help me out. Well... it didn't, I wa up all night and now feel like crap. I needed to come in to work early so I'm basically here with only a couple hours sleep.. I hate this.. I feel really horrible and I think most of it is in my head because I was doing so good.. Heck, I was at the point where I didn't even crave beer anymore.. So what do I do this morning? I stopped at the liqour store and got a 6 pack of 32oz beer. I downed 2 beers before I came into the office "just to not feel so sick" so I feel o.k. right now.. I don't even know what to do, I was doing soo good and everyone was so proud of me. Got into a big fight with my wife last night and now I don't even remember much about it... how the heck could this happen... I don't feel physically too sick right now but my face feels hot and I feel nervouse and depressed... I know I'll get back on the wagon and being on there isn't too difficult for me (thank God)... I was just so sure I could control it... I don't know, this mostly a rant and something I needed to get off my chest. I'm actually thinking of going home a mooping around, and actually maybe drinking a bit more "just to feel better" yeah right... And to think, I was looking for a way to "take a drive" last night to to score some coke... I'm so glad my wife put her foot down on that one. I might be sitting in jail right now... Soo many thing went on and now there racing in my head.. I'm thinking of going down stairs and having another beer even though I don't feel very sick... I have so much work and feel I'm not going to get it done. I'm up for a raise since I was doing so good and feel like I might blow it... Well, gotta go cause I'm running out of change, there's alot of things if I could I'de rearange" Thanks for listening, yo"u're all so great here....

Thorn

Wow. I could have written your post 84 days ago. That's how long I've been sober. I'm gratefull for your post, it's a strong reminder of the wonderful life I'll have instore should I pick up that first drink.

I hope ou don't beat yourself up too much about your slip. No one's perfect, you did great for 90 days and you'll always have that. I'm hoping you can pick yourself back up and get things going again, if that's what you want.

Thanks for your post, its helped me stay sober just for today.

Thorn

AllThatGlitters

I, too, want to thank you for sharing this, because it reminds me of the days when i'd do speed and coke and the nasty "nervous and depressed" feeling i'd get the next day--- aaahhh!!! That is seriously the worst. I hated it so much I switched to opiates just so i'd never have to feel it again (then came a whole of concept of "the day after"). I hope you didn't pick up that beer and that you've hopped back on the wagon. Don't give up!!!

CAPTAINZING2000

I Don't Want To Pt A Damper On Your Social Life But, Was Your Wife Ther For Support? 90 Days To Me Isn't Long Enough 2 B Somewhere Slippery. Sorry But, I Wouldn't Have Went.

Don't Beat Your Self Up Over It. Start All Over Again Today. If You Learned From This Then It Was An Experience Worth Remembering. Hope To See You Posting Again

Val-light

Hi Macphisto,
Sorry to hear about the SuperBowl party. You did great getting as far as you did without using. At least now you know you CAN quit using. Time to re-focus your efforts. You can do it. Be strong!
Val

Chy

So what's the plan? Drink? Meeting? Sober? Back to the hell hole? You decide. Your never alone here, so keep coming back!

BubbaBob

Well, the "controlled drinking" thing didn't work. What program you gonna try next?

BTW...you did call your sponsor before you drank, right? And your spiritual relationship with your HP is real tight, right?

Ooops...wrong program...someone told me that one doesn't work too well...

BubbaBob

Macphisto

Well, I went home and took a nap and feel much better now. I still feel depressed about the whole situation but I'm doing things to make it better. My wife was home and we made up for last nights fight. I basically told her it was just a "slip" and that it wouldn't happen again, not so much for her but for me. I have a great reminder of why I stopped drinking in the first place. As for the using of drugs last night, it was just another stupid thing I do when I get too drunk. In general I'm not a drug user and had seriously not done Coke or meth for like a year. It just seems that when I get drunk I don't care about anything and just have a very destructive behavior.
Thanks for listening all, my plan is to just not drink for today (anymore) and then I'll take it one day at a time.. I don't go to AA meeting or anything and quite frankly I do't think I need it (but maybe last night is a reminder I do?). The thing is I have a fobia about public speaking and I'm afraid to go to one for fear of having to speak out.
Whatever happens, I know I'm going to continue on the sober path. I'll look at this as a bump in the road but my course hasn't changed. Thanks to all who post on this site as it gives me tons of inspiration...

Roxann

I definately think last night was a sign that you need to go to a meeting. You don't have to speak. You can just sit and listen. Find a sponsor and talk to them. I'll bet after you have gone to a few meetings, you will get comfortable and will want to share your story with others.

I will keep you in my prayers Mac.

Val-light

Well Macphisto. We're not letting you off that easy! You gotta come back now and let us know how you're getting along.

Do you see all these smiling faces? That's us right now. So you see...without realizing it, you just gave us a wonderful speech about how you're going to give it another try. Now listen carefully...and you'll hear us clapping for you. The next speech will get easier, but you gotta keep making them. Cause you'll lose it if you don't use it. Stay in touch.
Val

Chy

...uhhh my guess would be yes! I know most can't do it alone and if AA isn't for you find something that is. Little secret amongst alcoholics, in case you haven't heard, we have no will power, and without support it can be a long journey to staying quit.

wantneeda

Just start over, don't forget that you can start your day over at any time,Glad to hear you opted for a nap instead of a beer. How true it is that a moment in time can change the course of action. It really doesn't help to beat your self up, just get back on the bus. You don't have to speak when you go to a meeting. I was actually told to sit down, shut up and listen!!!
so I guess this experience proved that 1 is too many and a thousand is never enough.
If I didn't go to meetings I'm almost positive that I would be using today, it just helps so much to be around people in recovery and to listen to their stories.
And i'm also sure that staying away from slippery places has made all the difference in the world! 8 months and I don't feel comfortable being around the party scene or anything remotely close, My sobriety is number 1 to me and taking a chance ain't worth it. \\// peace

dave

Welcome.yOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.I had a person on this sight tell me to see what i did and hopefully learn from it.So this is what i,m telling you.Get back to the program and start over you will feel glad you did.Good luck....