bluewillow

Hi,

I'm glad I found this site. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'll warn you that this will be long. This is about my husband, from whom I am separated. We have a six-year old son.

My husband has always been a heavy drinker - but it hasn't been constant. Meaning he will drink moderately, but occasionally drink until he passes out. He has always felt most comfortable in bars. Generally can't/won't do anything social without a drink. I always thought it was more of a habit than an addiction. He began drinking at a very young age and was always something of a "partier". He has had a tremor in his hands as long as I have known him. I didn't realize until later in life that this might be alcohol related.

Anyway. He is not violent. He is successful in his career, or was. And, was always a good provider. Until this past year.

He had some stressful times in his job - lots of changes and some uncertainty and then a move. And, long story short, he began drinking heavily and going out to bars with employees that he supervised - which was poor judgment. He was living in a different city because we were in the process of moving for his job. He said he just couldn't stand hanging out in his temporary apartment alone. Eventually, he began going to strip clubs and bars every night (from what I can tell) and picking up women. Then he got a DUI. When I found out about his behavior, I left him.

He lost his license for two months, was fired from his six-figure executive position (because of image concerns), and went through the two-month court-ordered counseling program.

Shortly after having his license reinstated, he was going to bars again. Maybe not drinking heavily and driving. But, it's like he can't stay away. I don't think he is drinking to excess these days, but he still goes to bars (to watch sports) two to three times a week, I believe. (We are still separated).

Out of concern for my son, I am trying to identify if this is alcoholism. I would appreciate some opinions. Maybe I am just in denial. I don't know. The family environment I grew up in was very Baptist and I just don't know much about alcohol. I have been around it since college and drink ocassionally myself, but I'm not sure what I am dealing with here.

It seems to me that if you didn't have an alcohol problem, after receiving a DUI and losing your job, family, and professional status, you would stay out of bars. I would appreciate any opinions.

Chy

Hi and welcome!
Ya know there are different varieties of alcoholics, we come in all shapes and sizes and all have different styles of drinking that led us to the realization we were alcholic. Only he can say for sure, but my guess would be he's probably in trouble with alcohol, and only he can do anything about it.

Your right, normal drinkers will usually learn from their mistakes, and not pursue the vice that got them in trouble again. Please visit the Friends and Family forum because there is also help for the family who lives with an alcoholic.

Val-light

Hello Bluewillow,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Chy's right. Alcoholics come in all shades. Alcoholics flock together. When we're flocking in bars and participating in destructive behavior, then that's the wrong flock. We, at Sober Recovery, attempt to flock with the right group. The ones who are not in denial anymore and are seeking the answers to why we drink. What started as a seemingly innocent past-time can kill over time. I'm hopeful that you'll find support and guidance on the other forums here. Best wishes.
Val

1Marty

My gut says that he is an alcoholic. Although there can be exceptions, normal drinkers don't get drunk driving tickets. And normal drinkers usually don't go right back out to the bars - (and probably drive drunk some more.) Not much hope for him, unless he wants to change. At this point, you just need to take care of yourself, and your son. As mentioned, check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum for more advice.

blitz

I'm sorry i'm only replying now, but I'm new in this board.
Everything you said when describing his drinking habits does correspond to an alcoholic, in denial for that matter, otherwise he would tried something to get back his family, at least that.
He was a heavy drinker for years (and so was I) and began at a very early age. My mother is a Doctor Even though she's a retired pediatrician doesn't mean she doesn't know a lot of especialities,especialy my problem). I can tell you that I began drinking at 15-16, only to feel relaxed and the drinking became a can't/won't habit. It's still no alcoholism; you can stop at any point, and so did your husband when he drank moderatly. The tremor in his hands was because he drank every day. Eventually they'll become stronger.
Not being violent, beeing successeful in his carrier and a good provider shows he could still control the drinking.
Loosing his job for image concerns, having a two month Court-ordered Counseling Program and not caring about beeing caught again DUI, that means he can no longer control his craving for alcohol. I was never DUI ( and couldn't care less) I didn't loose my job because I own a Pet-Shop but it's closed for 13 months and I'm divorced. Looks a lot like me. The difference is that I'm not in denial (I'm getting help) and he still goes to bars (no matter how many times a week), strip bars pick up women (He's absolutely loaded to do that, since he still has't lost his family).
When you're an alcoholic you can't stop drinking (that's your only thought) after the first drink. Tremors are usual when you drink too much the day before but it's not an alcoholism sympton. Craving desperately for more the day after, is.Not pursuing bad habits, isn't
I believe your husband is in denial and that's when help is more needed.Please visit the friends and family forum. They sure know more than I do.

Jupiter2

Hi bluewillow,

It does sound like he is an alcoholic, but he will have to decide for himself. There is little you can do to make him want recovery. I have found a solution for my own drinking and that is in Alcoholics Anonymous. Just last night my wife told me how proud she was of me and she said very little in the first couple of days I started to go to AA. I know it is hard with a child mixed up in this. I have an eight year old daughter and I know she suffered much due to my disease. One of our texts, the Big Book, has a chapter entitled To Wives that explains much. Alanon meetings may also help you to come to grips with this problem and learn to take care of you and your son first.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son (and of course your husband who still suffers).

1_day@_a_time

Welcome Blue! Answer these questions, and see what you find out.

http://www.soberplace.com/20questions/

It has been said, if you have to ask the question, then you probably are. Only he knows for sure.

Suggest you get involved in a support group like Ala-non, it will make you feel SO MUCH BETTER, and answer lots of questions you have.

Keep coming back!

Tom

ddConcerned

Alcoholism comes in many different forms, which is why it can be so damn deceptive. The best criteria I ever read for wether or not one has a problem with alcohol is if you think you do. You don't have to take a drink in the morning to have a problem. You can hold a steady job and be functioning yet still have a problem. The steriotypical view holds that someone with the title "alcoholic" must behave a certain way and do certain things but we know this isn't true. There was even a notion as recent as the fifties that women could not be alcoholics because they did not possese certain traits. I agree with the others onthe board, it sounds as though this person has a drinking problem. Speaking from experience, however, they won't begin to work on it until they admit to it within themselves. Sometimes even hitting the lowest of the very lows won't trigger introspection. I say, now that you know that this person has a drinking problem you should also know that you can't change it for them, you can't cure them or control them, as much as you really want to. Focus on yourself and your wonderfull family. Once you start getting help you'll hopefully have the tools to cope with the situation.

Patsyd1

Hi bluewillow,

For myself, I had heard the above repeatedly from people who loved and cared about me, that if I didn't have a problem with alcohol, then I would simply stop drinking. By the time that I had a moment of clarity with my own alcoholism, I had already been paying the consequences as a direct result of my drinking for years. My own drinking over time, got worse, never better. Even though there were times that out of pure fear, I wouldn't drink for a week or a few days, and the very next time that I pick up a drink, I was right back almost immediately to where I was when I thought I could control my drinking.

I have learned, in looking back on my drinking, that even years before I ever suspected that I might have a drinking problem, that my drinking was no mere habit, that my drinking was out of control a long long time before.

Today, I realize that there are no degrees of alcoholism, only degrees of trouble. And what I mean is that once I crossed that invisible line into alcholism, that I had lost the ability to choose to not drink alcohol, and my drinking became progressively worse over time, it simply never got better. The outside stuff, the degrees of trouble that I had as a direct result of my drinking, got much much worse also, never better. The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful, and one of the things that took alot of help for me to even begin to recognize, is the deep deep denial that I had built up over years. I had become so good at believing at my own lies, and blaming people, places and things for my drinking, that the consequences for my drinking, in my own distorted and delusional thinking, was ALWAYS someone or something elses fault.......never mine, and certainly never ever my drinking.

I believed with all my heart (part of the denial) that alcohol had nothing to do with my life falling apart, and the *delusion* that my drinking was the only thing that was keeping me normal persisted.

With the statement that you made above, I would say from my own experience as an alcoholic, that you have done a pretty good job of determining what alcoholism is. I could not consistently predict on any given occasion, with any certainty, how much I would drink or what would happen to me once I picked up one drink of alcohol.

Losses were mounting for me daily, as a direct result of my drinking, and I became willing to pay the consequences, all so that I could do what I had lost the ability to not do.....drink. My losses were not my family, a job, or arrests for DUI, or even my standing in the community. My losses were all on the inside. This disease is 3 fold....mental, physical and spiritual. I had lost big time in all 3 of those areas, and yet I simply couldn't see it at all. Again, this disease is POWERFUL.

Mental.......I had a mental obsession with alcohol that absolutely insured that I would take that first drink. An obsession of the mind, is a "thought" that over comes ALL other thoughts. These thoughts of alcohol got so bad, that I became anxious, irritable, discontent, angry, depressed, and sometimes enraged, until I could once again get a drink.

Physical.....Once I would take that first drink of alcohol into my body, I had no idea that I developed the phenomenon of physical craving, a physical compulsion for more and more alcohol that insured that I would continue to drink until I was drunk, sick and out of control.

Spiritual......Spiritually, I had moved and twisted my own value system. Values that were apart of who I was growing up, values that I deeply believed in, were pushed aside, completely forgotten, or simply twisted in my own mind. I had a spiritual loss of values, that I made excuses for, covered up, or completely ignored and dropped....... all so that I could get a drink. I had repeatedly said to myself "IF I get as bad as him or her, THEN I will quit drinking. And when I did get as bad as him or her, I would just simply MOVE my own inside values lower, and lower, and lower until my own value system, the inside stuff..... were completely unrecognizable, even to me. I came to learn, that those were deep spiritual losses in my life.

Alcoholism is a disease, an illness that is progressive, chronic, and can be fatal.

It sounds to me, as if your description of your husbands drinking, is not unlike my own drinking and yes I am an alcoholic.

Having shared that, this disease effects many many people around the alcoholic. This disease does not live in a vacuum, it distorts many things in the alcoholics life, and many many things in the people's lives around them.

When or if your husband ever decides to do something about his drinking, there is "Alcoholics Anonymous" and many other programs of recovery to choose from.

What about you? I would like to share with you that you do not have do this alone bluewillow, that there are halls of people out there who were once feeling much like you do. The hurt, the confusion, the misplaced guilt, the frustration, the anger, the deep deep saddness, and the helpless feelings that accompanies this disease is also cunning, baffling and powerful with those who love or who deal with the alcoholic.

Those halls that I speak of, that are full of people gathering together to share their experience, strength and hope with one another is called "Alanon meetings. There you will find those who have been where you are, and they have a solution that works.

I would suggest that you call "World Wide Alanon", they can help you. They can help you to locate all the near by Alanon meetings in your area. Its a toll free number, please call it. They understand, as few can, about this disease, and what it can do.
1.888.4AL-ANON = 1.888.425.2666

Do it for you bluewillow, because you are worth it, and you do not ever have to be alone again, if you choose not to be....... do it for you.