How To Get Over Cheating?? Help!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Vicksburg, Michigan
Posts: 56
Harley G,
I have been in his shoes unfortunetly more than once, every time I was drunk.
I think you should be aware that true forgiveness is going to be the only way out, when I say true forgiveness I mean it is gone, not an issue anymore.
But in life things of this nature can be compared to an emotional checking account, of which he has just written a check and most definetly put his account negative.
Only possitive deposits from him into the emotional bank (yours) can bring it back possitive, it takes time.
Unfortunetly for me it was a check I could never cover and it has led to my marital undoing, she never could trust me again as a wife needs to even though she did try.
I am not trying to talk you out of forgiving him, PLEASE! try as it took hugh courage on his part to even tell you.
Consider that your first deposit.
Good luck to both of you,
John.
I have been in his shoes unfortunetly more than once, every time I was drunk.
I think you should be aware that true forgiveness is going to be the only way out, when I say true forgiveness I mean it is gone, not an issue anymore.
But in life things of this nature can be compared to an emotional checking account, of which he has just written a check and most definetly put his account negative.
Only possitive deposits from him into the emotional bank (yours) can bring it back possitive, it takes time.
Unfortunetly for me it was a check I could never cover and it has led to my marital undoing, she never could trust me again as a wife needs to even though she did try.
I am not trying to talk you out of forgiving him, PLEASE! try as it took hugh courage on his part to even tell you.
Consider that your first deposit.
Good luck to both of you,
John.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: canada
Posts: 72
sex/no sex - does it really matter?
My AH has a history of cheating. Can't count the number of times he cheated when we were in high school. Crazy as I am, I still married him.
4 months after we were married, I found out he was having an affair and confirmed it wth her directly. He & I have discussed the 'reasons' he cheats and once I forgave him & decided (no surprise) to stay with him, I said I wouldn't bring it up anymore.
That was 2 1/2 yrs ago.
There have been recent signs of 'other women'. Things he dismissed as being coincidence, or harmless. The last straw was Friday. I checked his phone messages (I've told him to change the password!) and there was a message from a woman. She didn't say his name, just called him 'baby' and wanted to know if she would see him that night, blah blah blah.
He finally admitted to giving her his phone number. Says nothing happened. He met her at the strip club, they talked, he doesn't have her number, blah blah blah.
My thing is, I don't think if matters if they had sex or not. I'm pissed that he goes on binges, is out all night, spending time & money with/on other people male or female. I'm pissed that he needs attention from other women. I'm pissed that I'm not enough for him. I'm pissed that I feel like crap and he made me feel this way.
He says it's all about drinking/drugs. Other women mean nothing to him.
But of course I want to know if they had sex. So maybe I'll call her and ask her.
4 months after we were married, I found out he was having an affair and confirmed it wth her directly. He & I have discussed the 'reasons' he cheats and once I forgave him & decided (no surprise) to stay with him, I said I wouldn't bring it up anymore.
That was 2 1/2 yrs ago.
There have been recent signs of 'other women'. Things he dismissed as being coincidence, or harmless. The last straw was Friday. I checked his phone messages (I've told him to change the password!) and there was a message from a woman. She didn't say his name, just called him 'baby' and wanted to know if she would see him that night, blah blah blah.
He finally admitted to giving her his phone number. Says nothing happened. He met her at the strip club, they talked, he doesn't have her number, blah blah blah.
My thing is, I don't think if matters if they had sex or not. I'm pissed that he goes on binges, is out all night, spending time & money with/on other people male or female. I'm pissed that he needs attention from other women. I'm pissed that I'm not enough for him. I'm pissed that I feel like crap and he made me feel this way.
He says it's all about drinking/drugs. Other women mean nothing to him.
But of course I want to know if they had sex. So maybe I'll call her and ask her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
This is only my opinion, but personally I do not find cheting to be acceptabe period. I don't understand why so many others do.
This is how I view it. I've been split up with my girlfriend for over a month now. Last weekend I had a girl over for the night. I could not stand to see her where my girlfriend should be. I ended up not touching the other woman at all and explained why. I decided that the next day I would go get my girlfriend back. I could have slept with the other woman. It has been a while. My girlfriend would never have known. I would have known though. She did not want to come back though becuase she did not want to quit drinking.
The point is that when someone loves someone else, no matter what they should not cheat. Desires and all the rest will be there sometimes because we are human. Acting on them is wrong though.
Again, if you love him and believe it is all over then you should probably take him back. Hopefully he has learned. It is up to you. I would want a guarantee that it will not happen again.
Personally I think I would have huge trust issues that would eventually destroy the realtionship anyway.
I don't want to offer bad advice just to tell you how this guy feels about the subject. Do what is in your heart. You know what is best for you.
Good luck.
This is how I view it. I've been split up with my girlfriend for over a month now. Last weekend I had a girl over for the night. I could not stand to see her where my girlfriend should be. I ended up not touching the other woman at all and explained why. I decided that the next day I would go get my girlfriend back. I could have slept with the other woman. It has been a while. My girlfriend would never have known. I would have known though. She did not want to come back though becuase she did not want to quit drinking.
The point is that when someone loves someone else, no matter what they should not cheat. Desires and all the rest will be there sometimes because we are human. Acting on them is wrong though.
Again, if you love him and believe it is all over then you should probably take him back. Hopefully he has learned. It is up to you. I would want a guarantee that it will not happen again.
Personally I think I would have huge trust issues that would eventually destroy the realtionship anyway.
I don't want to offer bad advice just to tell you how this guy feels about the subject. Do what is in your heart. You know what is best for you.
Good luck.
harleygirl92156
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
Again, if you love him and believe it is all over then you should probably take him back. Hopefully he has learned. It is up to you. I would want a guarantee that it will not happen again.
Personally I think I would have huge trust issues that would eventually destroy the realtionship anyway.
I wish there was some way to get a guarantee, but there isn't. If it happened again, it could be another 2-3 years before I found out and in the mean time I unknowingly sleep with the sluts too. That is what scares me the most, no guarantee.
Personally I think I would have huge trust issues that would eventually destroy the realtionship anyway.
I wish there was some way to get a guarantee, but there isn't. If it happened again, it could be another 2-3 years before I found out and in the mean time I unknowingly sleep with the sluts too. That is what scares me the most, no guarantee.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: San Jose, CA
Posts: 77
1 day @ a time and everyone,
Maybe I was wrong about the guarantee. I certainly meant no harm. I'm sorry if I caused any. I just know me and I have never done that. Everyone is different and I should have taken that into consideration. After all, my relationship is a mess so who am I to talk about anything.
I think that "follow your heart" is maybe the best idea for now. She knows what is best for her and the relationship.
I wish you the best of luck.
Maybe I was wrong about the guarantee. I certainly meant no harm. I'm sorry if I caused any. I just know me and I have never done that. Everyone is different and I should have taken that into consideration. After all, my relationship is a mess so who am I to talk about anything.
I think that "follow your heart" is maybe the best idea for now. She knows what is best for her and the relationship.
I wish you the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Gastonia
Posts: 3
Ok...I am not 100% sure about all of this but I have been reading some good advice...So here it is, I cheated on my girlfriend 4 times about a year and a half ago. I loved her to death and I still do, but I was immature and stupid about some things and it took me a while to realize this. Anyways, I know I have changed and want to be able to prove it to her but I can't seem to figure out how. We hang out sometimes, while other times it's hard to even get her to talk to me on the phone. I leave her flowers, bring her lunch, etc... But it just seems like whatever I do, it's not going to help. But things are confusing because we hang out and still hug and kiss each other, so I am getting mixed signals. I know reading this, some people feel that some never can get away from cheating or change, but as I grew up and got into college I matured a lot and finally understood what loving someon means. I really need some advice, I love this girl. Thanks!:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Gastonia
Posts: 3
Well, most of times she will say, "it's never going to happen again, I can't put myself through that." Today she said "Give me some time and space and we will see where it goes." Also, she will say "I want to be with you, I love you, but I just can't get hurt again." I feel like she has mixed thoughts about it, because I am trying to do everything I can to have her back. I would give the world to have this girl because I want to be able to treat her how she deserves to be treated.
everything is already ok
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,789
Originally Posted by Cscblue89 
Ok...I am not 100% sure about all of this but I have been reading some good advice...So here it is, I cheated on my girlfriend 4 times about a year and a half ago. I loved her to death and I still do, but I was immature and stupid about some things and it took me a while to realize this. Anyways, I know I have changed and want to be able to prove it to her but I can't seem to figure out how. We hang out sometimes, while other times it's hard to even get her to talk to me on the phone. I leave her flowers, bring her lunch, etc... But it just seems like whatever I do, it's not going to help. But things are confusing because we hang out and still hug and kiss each other, so I am getting mixed signals. I know reading this, some people feel that some never can get away from cheating or change, but as I grew up and got into college I matured a lot and finally understood what loving someon means. I really need some advice, I love this girl. Thanks!:ghug2
Took me a long time in recovery to realise that I can't fix nd chnge people and places, wht I can do is stay in recovey and live as well as possible, people notice the difference, sometimes soon, sometimes not.
Kevin
Take it easy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Springfield, Va
Posts: 105
Most affairs have little to do with sex, there are more deeply rooted issues like insecurity, low self esteem and often flight/fight responses to pressures at work or at home that drive us...often compounded by substance abuse and the addictive thought process. Our emotional make-up is pretty fragile to begin with and then some/most of us are burdened by dysfunctional family's and questionable upbringing. Trust is something few of us understand let alone truly ever give completely, it begins with our self view and that's why we percieve infidelity as a personal attack. More often than not spousal infidelity is a cry for help, attention or an attempt to seek comfort for a yet undefined need.
I only offer this testament above because I've been down that road and suffered greatly until I took time to consider the above...
I only offer this testament above because I've been down that road and suffered greatly until I took time to consider the above...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Alaska
Posts: 229
Ya know Blue, this was a year and a half ago and I'm assuming you have been a perfectly behaved altar boy since then. And she still doesn't know? How long are you willing to prove yourself? Staying sober is a lifetime of commitment, but for how long are you supposed to beat yourself for what you did? If she can't make up her mind maybe it's time to make SURE she doesn't get hurt again and let her go. Maybe it's time for both of you to move on.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Originally Posted by 1_day@_a_time
Knowing the details is not worth it.
Not sure of a sponsor that would suggest amends like that. That's NOT what the 9th step is about.
Not sure of a sponsor that would suggest amends like that. That's NOT what the 9th step is about.
I was married for 22 years, and always suspected he was a womanizer, but pretty much overlooked it, as long as I didn't know who, when, where. It was putting a face to the infidelities that was the last straw, and what led to divorce...even after we went for counseling.
During the many times we were separated, I did a lot of things under the influence that I would never have done sober. But, I felt whatever each of us did while not living together was best left unsaid.
And, of course, the 9th Step says, "Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This amends may have cleared his conscience, but it certainly was hurtful to you. It will probably take considerable time (perhaps with the help of a good counselor) to get past...but, it can be done, if you're both willing to work at it.
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
Heck, No! Never looked at the starting date! Why in the world was it resurrected three years later? Oh, well...guess it's always going to be an issue...especially among active alcoholics!
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