ultima

I have been in and out of AA/NA for about 12 years. This last time out proved to me just how much I can't control myself when it comes to cocaine or alcohol. I was "that idiot girl" too many times, and I feel absolutely humiliated with myself. I gave up cocaine, and thought I was doing fine, but then I started drinking in its place. I know now that I am a full blown drug addict and alcoholic. My life has become a mess. I am so scared. I don't want to die, and I know that even one more time out, and it may be my last. I nearly died last night because I was drunk and someone stuck something in my drink that put me in such a bad state that my boyfriend called the paramedics. I remember almost nothing. The things I do remember are embarassing. I said and did things that annoyed and upset quite a few people. I have to learn to live my life without using this garbage as a crutch. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I have less than 24 hours sober. All I can think about is how am I going to do this??? The posts I read from all of you were the only things that made me feel like I wasn't the only one lacking that thing in the brain that lets you know when enough is enough. It was never enough. In one year of doing blow, I wore a hole in my septum. I also found that it was actually impossible for me to only have one drink when I felt compelled to have one. My limit was reached only when I felt as though I was going to be sick. It's not fun anymore, and I feel as though this season of "Cops" could have been filmed at my house alone. I guess I am saying that I know this is what i have to do. I have to get sober. I'm just terrified that I won't be able to do it, or that my life will somehow get even more difficult if I sober up. To make matters worse, I work in one of the MANY bars in Las Vegas, so I am surrounded all the time by drunks. Working in bars is all I know, and I'm stuck with it until I get out of school. Is it truly possibly to work in a bar and be sober? I want to get out as soon as I can... I would really appreciate any feedback or support. I feel alone, and I don't like it.

Andy F

I believe sobriety is generally achievable, particularly if as you are doing now, you look for support. And yes, who knows, perhaps life will get more difficult for a while.

Just because everything seems overwhelming, doesn't mean it is. It is how you view this that may dictate how you feel.

Glad your here.

Andy F

Time2Surrender

Ultima,welcome to SoberRecovery.Im glad you found us.This is a great place with a lotta good people and plenty of support.Stick around and get to know some of the people here.I know how it is in Vega's.I used to live there.But Vega's also has plenty of AA/NA meetings with some really good groups.Maybe you can give the meetings another try and see what you can so different this time.

Little Missy

(((ultima))) Welcome to SR!! You have come to the right place for support and understanding!! Well, it sounds like you are truely ready to give this sobriety thing a try again!! Congratulations on your decision!! Just don't drink today and don't worry about tomorrow. Then tomorrow you will do the same thing. One day at a time, this makes it less overwhelming.

Working at a bar will make it more difficult. Just look at the drunks and know that you don't want to be in there shoes. Sobriety it about not drinking, but mainly changing our way of thinking. You know from experience that drinking has never "helped" any situation in your life. Just tell yourself, "I don't drink. To drink is to die!" Very powerful statement!!

Give AA a try, pray to your HP (if you have one), and lean on us!! We have been there and now, we are here for you!! Draw off our experience, strength, and hope and you too will find peace!!

Even when you're by yourself you are not alone!!
Love and light,
Missy

skunkape

Ultima,

First of all I like your name screen name. I used to play those Ultima games a lot when I was a kid. Anyways you have admitted you have a problem and thats THE most important step. The next step is to find a support system to help you get away from all the drugs. You're probably gonna have to get rid of heavy using buddies if possible, and find a support group like AA/NA to help you with the difficult moments. Sometimes the sober life can be hard, but if you stick with it you will eventually learn how to face all your emotions and life in general without using drugs. I'm a struggling addict myself so you're in good company. I'm glad you found us.

Chris

Northwoods Lady

Ultima,
What happened is the past. You can't do anything to change that.
You took a postive step by finding SR.
Welcome - keep coming back.
Keep taking those positive steps!!!!

Anna

You sound like you are ready to do what it takes Northwoods Lady and I'm sure you can be successful if it's what you REALLY want. As far as working in a bar, truthfully I couldn't have done that early in sobriety, it would have been way too stressful. But, that's just me. Keep visiting SR.

Love, Anna

In memory of miracle

I remember that scared feeling all to well.I got to the point were I could'nt live with or without alcohol.I sought help from a treatment center and alcoholics anonymous.I am here to tell you it get's better.Bless,Trish

GettingFree

Ultima,

What have you tried other than NA/AA? Have you been in a treatment centre? Have you tried consistent one-on-one counselling with a therapist specializing in addiction?

Not one thing works for all people,

best
gf

HhM

[QUOTE=To make matters worse, I work in one of the MANY bars in Las Vegas, so I am surrounded all the time by drunks. Working in bars is all I know, and I'm stuck with it until I get out of school. Is it truly possibly to work in a bar and be sober?QUOTE]

I used to frequent bars, singing in a band, and when I was sober, I started watching people. Pick out the most drunk people in the bar and, just watch. I was amazed at their behavior and at the same time appalled because I know at some point that had been me. Now I am not saying that by working in a bar this will help you but, for some people, this might be all it would take. But, of course the addiction took over for me and, I still drink. For a while, I put myself on a limit and stuck to it. Needless to say, I'm still drinking but, not until I'm sick. I will be honest though and say that I slipped Wednesday and was very faded because I just had to drink a "deathwish", all because the guys in the bar were cheering me on. If you have that problem too where, it's a "looking tough" thing, like I do...and yes I am a girl too then, maybe working in a bar isn't the best idea. You know what they say. If we hang with the wrong crowd..... How long until you're out of school? There are so many other options available to you.

Roxann

I am also glad you found us. Congratulations on admitting your problem and seeking help. Keep posting here with us. It really does help. Good luck!!