retribution

I very much am in agreement with gf, the resentment I was talking about is self resentment. As far as the pain and suffering we have felt throughout our lives, there is only one way to let go of that, and that is to face it, mourn for it, learn how it has affected us, and change the behaviors it has instilled in us. I am not yet in therapy, but I know that once I start, a lot of the pain and anger I have held in for 38 years is going to be released, but I also know it will be released apporopriately, not in a hurtful manner to somebody or somebodies that do not deserve it. Keep strong, and good luck tomorrow with your counselor. May God shine His light for you to help you on your path.

CAPTAINZING2000

Try to learn forgiveness Sometimes a person needs to be saying the Lord's Prayer on an hourly basis

GettingFree

Anne,

This makes a lot of sense. I feel a lot of compassion for you and it may be time to put this healing front and centre for you. As important as your relationship with your husband is, nothing is as important for those of us who have experienced emotional, physical or sexual abuse in our childhoods as facing that painful wounding. It's a paradox -- to feel stronger and free from that past so it doesn't rob us of how we live our lives in the present, we have to dig down and face the hurt all over again. Doesn't seem fair, but there's no other way.

If you start therapy, I hope you get a therapist who is experienced in childhood abuse, trauma and addiction. You may find that you need to stabalize somewhat before opening up some of the doors to the past, i.e. getting back on the path to sobriety, etc.

Be easy on yourself. You got to where you are now for really good reasons. You're going to take responsibility for yourself now, but someone else was indeed responsible for the pain and wounding inflicted on you long ago. So have compassion for the little girl who was so hurt, comfort her, let her off the hook. You've survived till now the only way you learned how. Now you get to learn differently.

best,
gf

quercusalba

gf - thank you so much for your compassion and wisdom. I am in complete agreement with you. I feel like such a broken soul... and I fear that I won't have the strength to get through this. I will, though, I will find the strength. It's madness dealing with the pain by drowning it in rage and alcohol. Sheer madness. I sometimes feel as though I'm losing my mind completely; I scared myself last night with my behavior. I am not the screaming, vicious type, though you never would have known it last night. Thank you so much for your empathy and your insight - you may never know just how much it means to me.

NancyEllen

Anne, just a question. Can you send e-mail to your husband?

Nancy

sherbear5104

That's good to hear, glad you made that appointment. It will help you to get to the root of some of your problems. Are you planning on going to a meeting tonight?

quercusalba

Nancy - can't send email to my husband; he's an electrician. Why do you ask?

And Sher - I don't think I will go to a meeting tonight - I have to deal with my home situation first. I am sick from the things I said to my husband and it would be impossible to pay attention at a meeting - even if I do really need one right now. I will go to one tomorrow for sure.

sherbear5104

Anne, I understand wanting to fix things with your husband. Just please don't put off going to that meeting tomorrow. The people in the rooms can be of great help to you!

Cathy31

Anne
Go to an AA meeting - if not tonight (although if you REALLY want to make it up to your husabnd, NOTHING and i mean NOTHING speaks louder than you going to AA!!!) he will forgive you on the spot! that's what my husband did!!! A terrible bout of drunkeness and revolting behaviour made me realise that it was now time for AA...I went, (phone the office, get someone to meet you there, they might even pick you up if it's possible) and it's been such an incredible ongoing wonderful experience - and I am sober too. It's really helping me live life as well - especially helping me deal with RESENTMENT which is poison to an alcoholic.
GO GO GO TO A MEETING> it will speak volumes to your husband, and is a great great starting point for rebuliding your relationship.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
Cathy31
xxx

GettingFree

Hey Anne,

As children, when things are too painful to face, we learn lots of ways to adapt, to survive. Blocking out the pain is one survival mechanism. Remember, as children, we didn't have a choice. We couldn't run, we couldn't stop it. We couldn't stop depending on the adults whose job it was to provide and care for us. And who we wanted desperately to love us. We didn't have other options. So we learned to block out.

It makes sense that we continue that as adults. To block, to drown the pain as you say. So give yourself a break. You didn't ask to have the early experiences you did. There were reasons you ended up trying to survive this way.

So the paradox is this: while you scold yourself that it's madness to do this, you learned to do this to keep from going mad.

Now you're taking baby steps to stop the pattern. To rewrite the script. To forgive yourself for what you've done till now to survive the pain. And to address the past, learn new ways of survival, new ways of getting your needs met. And learn to love yourself. Amazing what happens when we actually do start to love ourselves and take care of oursevles, because we start believing we really are worth it.

best,
gf

Chy

I'm very sorry for your hurt, unfortunatly we sometimes have to go through unbearable pain to achieve sobriety.

quercusalba

Thank you all so much for your words of understanding and encouragement.

Thank you, GF - it's clear that you understand where it is that I am coming from... and how I got here. I only wish I had just stuck with hurting myself rather than lashing out at the man I love so much. If I could take back last night, I would in a heartbeat. I'm pretty sure that's a common theme among alcoholics, though... I'm sure I'm not alone in that desire. Anyhow, you make a number of good points. Right now I'm too shell-shocked to follow all of the good advice given to me here, but I will check back in tomorrow and see if I'm more capable then. I face the very real possibility of losing my husband tonight - please, all, keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

And again, thank you.
--anne

rigger

I know what it feels like but the only thing is that I am working a program and the reward is that I am taking to my wife again and she is proud of me. Good luck yto you and keep the faith

quercusalba

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm ok. Thank you for all of your loving support and advice yesterday. Things are ok with my husband... far from perfect, but I have another chance, and that's all I could have hoped for. I am going for my first counseling session today... I hope that will get me started on the path to digging out the roots of the things that make "self-medication" with alcohol so irresistable to me (even despite the fact that self-medication is also destroying my life...). There is also a meeting at noon today - it's a closed discussion meeting - that I am going to get to. It's not one that I could normally attend, due to work, but since I'm taking off early for the counseling appointment, I might as well get to a meeting too. If I'm going to start taking care of myself, I should do it the right way.

I want to say again how thankful I am that you all helped me through the day yesterday. I am blessed.

--anne

2dayzmuse

(((Anne))))

Alcohol does irrepairable damage. It ruins lives if you allow it to. Take the power away from it by not drinking. I'm glad you're taking the steps to heal your past and working on bettering yourself for the future. I'm very glad that things are ok with your husband. If you make and honest effort in getting help for yourself, he should stand by your side and be supportive. If not, there will come a time he will have had enough and leave. Make the changes and follow through your commiment to sobriety. You won't be sorry. Life is so much easier. The foolish things we say and do when drunk, will be a fading memory. You can change your life for the better. We're here for you and will be wishing you the best. Good luck on your counseling and your meeting. Think of today as the beginning of your healing. Take care...

sherbear5104

Anne, I'm glad to hear that things went well for you with your husband. I am very glad to hear that you will be going to counselling and to a meeting today. That is wonderful. I will keep you in my prayers. You can do this just like the rest do, one day at a time!

Love and Hugs..........Sherry

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm glad to hear everything is better. Love is still stronger then hate. Learn from this. I hope, you and hubby sit down and have a long talk. Don't keep your anger and resentments from having a happy marriage.

good luck


chris

GettingFree

That's wonderful anne. I'm very happy that you have some relief now from the crisis of yesterday. Being in crisis mode can be paralyzing. Today you begin again.

best
gf

Cathy31

Anna
How did your meeting go? Funnily enough my first meeting was a morning one too that ordinarily I would not have been able to attend due to work...but by that stage I was missing so much work that i actually was available to go!
Hope it was helpful and hopeful!
Cathy311
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