retribution

Ok, last night and yesterday were so awesome and inspiring. Today, not so much. I had my eval for an outpatient program. They told me I need an intensive outpatient program 5 days a week 2 hours a day. The problem is, it is a $20 a day co pay. Also my manic depression needs to be medicated which will mean another co pay. I am supposed to focus all my energy on recovery, and not overburden myself with the stress of finding a job, and then finding a job condusive to the strict schedule I am supposed to keep. I am not eligable for benefits because I am still tied to my husband, at least on paper. I am supposed to be receiving money from my soon to be ex as pendente relief. Needless to say the "wonderful man" is not paying anything. So now I am feeling totally frustrated, here I am trying to do the right thing and finally face up to what needs to be done. I feel like I am again beating my head against a stone wall. Then to top things off, I got home and there is an invoice from my lawyer for $30,000 dollars, if it wasn't so frustrating it would almost be funny. I just needed to vent a little I guess, because the first thought that ran through my mind was "Damn do I need a hit!!" I wont do it, but I sooooooooooo want toooooooo!!! I will get myself to a meeting tonight if I have to walk 20 miles to get there.

CAPTAINZING2000

Without knowledge of your condition, have you went to AA before? I was faced with a similar situation. I weighed everything out and went to as many AA meetings I could each and every day. I also journaled.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't do as suggested. They are in this to make money. How do you feel about this? Do you feel you need to go? this is something only you know the answers to.

retribution

I am currently attending NA meetings every day. Yes, I feel like I need this program, probably more for the mental health issues than anything. I feel out of control when I am in the low mode of the bipolar. It is this which scares the hell out of me, because I know the disease will be screaming at me then.(even louder than it is today) In the high mode, I feel unbelievable strength, absolute euphoria, and the conviction of a million people. You know me, I love to write, so maybe journaling is a way for me to go, instead of the poetry route, which also helps. I have not gone to AA because honestly I have never touched alcohol, only because my mom was an alcoholic and I didn't want to be like her. Funny how this disease distorts things huh? Thank you Chris for your suggestions. I am holding very tightly right now to the thought of just for today!!!

Dan

Just for today: I will find joy in witnessing the recovery of another.
~page.25

Thanks for bringing some joy Tobi.

sherbear5104

Hi Tobi,

I just wanted to say, good for you for talking about your situation and looking for a solution. Maybe you could go to mental health for the bipolar, and do the rest in NA. Do you have a sponsor? I'm not downing outpatient at all, I go there myself, but if you can't afford it, you can get the same information from someone working the program. I've learned a great deal from my sponsor, and the longtimers in the program. Probably as much as I learned in outpatient. Pray about it. Your Higher Power will show you the way. Prayers coming your way.

Sherry

retribution

Thank you DangerousDan, You did make me smile and feel good for bringing some joy.

Sherbear, I thank you so much for your suggestions. I am going to pray and pray and pray, and also think long and hard about which way to go about this. I have just gotten a sponsor (I think) She is out of town til Friday. But I understand what you are saying about all you get out of the meetings, I have gotten soooooo much out of them in just the 2 weeks I have been going. And I feel it would be fine, if it weren't for the damn mental health problems that are keeping my life from being manageable. Mental health facilities are pretty much the same with the type of insurance I have. I will continue to pray and think, and eventually a decision will be made. Honestly right now I am just trying to control this burning desire to make it all go away for a little while.

CAPTAINZING2000

Tobi,

want you to know how much I enjoy chatting with you. I think, I speak for everyone in here it's good to have you on the boards. Godspeed in your recovery



chris

retribution

Thank you so much Chris, and everybody that has been here supporting me. Today and tonight were probably the toughest I have had to face in these past 14 days, and the first place I turned was here to SR. I find so much support and understanding here, and I feel free to vent my frustration and misgivings. I want to thank you all for this. Just for tonight, I did not, and will not use.

sherbear5104

I would like to thank you Tobi for sharing with us. I'm sure you will find the right way for you, as long as it is done with the help of your Higher Power. It is good to hear that you are going to meetings and have a sponsor. We do recover! If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.

Sherry

hopealwayz

You are doing great Tobi. You came here and posted and talked about what was going on instead of picking up. I know those rough days are inevitable but we can make it through, just as you have done. Thanks for showing me the strength we have in ourselves is more than we even know. I'm happy for you.

Hope

retribution

Thank you Hope, how heart warming and soul lifting it is to know that sharing is also helping. I do understand what you mean though as I have been so inspired by reading all the other family members posts also. So true what they say, what we cant do alone, we can do together. I am so thankful to God for all of you!!!