Blogs


Notices

Need Help

Old 01-18-2005, 12:10 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Need Help

Hi I'm an addict. I don't get a chance to attend meetings because of my work schedule.I like to start off by saying, I had 15yrs sobriety. I relasped after my husband left me. It seems I just can't get my life on track. I have 3 months clean now My life is real unmanageable. I suffer from real low self esteem. I don't think I'm worthy. I allow people I like to take advantage of me. I have a fear of abandonment. My abandonment issue come from my childhood. I look for love in all the wrong places. I don't know how to love myself I'm good at fixing the outside of me, while the inside of me is in pain.

I don't think I'm attractive, when a attractive man talks to me, I feel I have to buy him, for him to see my worth. Eventually I allow myself to be used then I get angry. I was in a real dysfunctional relationship, I have to let go this person has no respect for me. He has his own issue of self esteem ETC. I'm the type of person who doesn't know how to let go. I love to hard and deep. I'm celibate as of now. I know I'm not ready for any type of relationship. I'm afraid to love out of fear of being hurt. These are some of the things that lead me to my addicton 15 yr ago. I had no clue, I had these issue until a couple of years ago. I have a sponsor, sometimes I won't talk to her because of my issues. My sponsor is a good person I quess it's shame.

I have no problem telling you all about me, because you can't see my face.This makes it easier for me to open up. I know I need help. I've started my first step on line, can't seem to find the website. The Website was erased off of my PC by accident. The site also had the Basic text. I tried searching the web no luck. I have control issue, I like to be right all of the time, I hate constructive criticism. I 'm learning to listen when someone is telling me something for my own good. I can sometime be in denial. I'm my worst critic.
I need help, thanks for listening.

Last edited by Scorpio007; 01-18-2005 at 12:12 AM. Reason: email notification
Scorpio007 is offline  
Old 01-18-2005, 03:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Evanna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Welcome to the forum Scorpio.

3mths clean is massive. Coming back after a relapse is can be an especially confusing i think. Reading your post i see a person starting a journey of real growth. Scary but the rewards are going to be tremendous.

Have you checked out any of the literature or meetings for co-dependency?

Best Wishes
Evanna.
Evanna is offline  
Old 01-18-2005, 04:46 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 53,221
Hi Scorpio,

Welcome and I'm glad you found us. Congratulations on your 3 months. I think many addicts have big issues with self-esteem. After all, why would we do what we do to ourselves if we loved ourselves?

You can find lots of support and encouragement here and if you like, you might also check out the Women in Recovery forum on this board.

Anna
Anna is online now  
Old 01-18-2005, 04:49 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Time2Surrender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Blog Entries: 7
Hi Scorpio,welcome to SR.Im glad your here.And congradulations on your 3 months.
Time2Surrender is offline  
Old 01-18-2005, 11:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
doing the inside job
 
nutz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Welcome to SR scorpio.

Are you my missing half or what?
Did we come from the same planet or at least have the same parents.lol
I can deffernently relate or your story is right up my alley.
I relaped after 11 years. I'll have 120 days tommorow.
I didn't think anybody could relate or understand me.
12 years of recovery and to have a break down like I did and relaped.
I was also abandant as child. An 8 years relationship is on the rocks
on is ending. For the past 3 years , I felt used and abused.
A f*#ken living hell.

"it's not that I don't care, It's that I care too much"
Maybe it's tide to being abandant somehow. I value people
and I belive love conquard all. Becuase it was love that heal
me and working the 12 steps or being in recovery help me
recoverd that part of me and re-inforce what I feel deep inside
of me anyways.

There's been a lot of growth....Good lord growning pain. I've gone
thur enough of them, Before I relaped, I kind of new what was happening.
But I made a mistake of running away from my pain. All roads leads
back to GOD or my HP. It's that resentment issue again between
IT and I. It was wierd....it reached out to me time after time after
time. It knows of my pain. The anger in my heart or relaping was
just another way of me being defiant.

The every samething I did as a child, after I got abadant. (age 6)
I remember playing in an orchard on someone's private property.
I was deep to my knees in mud. My aunty (HP) had been looking for
me all day. I told me to just get out of there. She wasn't going to
punish me. She told me to jsut come home to take a bath and she'll
make sometime for me to eat. She offered me toys. Tears rolled
down her eyes as she was pleading with me. Nothing she said or
offered could ever take away my pain. The only thing I wanted
was my mother and father. She sent for my teenage cousin to
retrieve me.
I kicked, fight, screamed, and cried as he carried me on his
shoulded all the way home.

I also had a charater triat. As a child when sleeping, I would
hang on tight to my mother. It took a little while for my aunty
to get use to it. I slept in the same bed with her and hung on
to her as tight as I could, fear on waking up in the morning
without her being there. I did the samethings as an adult
with my partners. This trait also carried over emotionally
and other aspect. I have a hard time letting go.
And of course the other trait I developed was somehow
I wasn't worth being loved or cared about. When going
thur a break up of a relationship all these feelings comes
right back.

My mother and I made peace about what happened when
I was a child. It was healing for me, but it didn't take away
the habits or trait I had developed. Working the steps helped
in this process. It was a lot of work. My 11 years was hard
earned. My character traits still hunts me to this day, being
clean and sober helps me thourgh this. I don't imagine I would
ever be rid of them, but I'm recovering to the best of my
ability in this matter.

I struggle with going back to meetings. The people here encouraged
me to do so. It took more courage did I had at that time.
I had to face that fear. It was the building block.
I even did that number of not admitting my relapes to
my home group. SR and the people also helped me though this.
I was encourage to face these fears.

I attend a lot of meetings, read, write, got a sponor. Help
new comers, give rides. I went right back to the basics
of the program. But I'm growing more than when I was a newcomer.
As long as I've been in recovery
I 've learned or know to embrace my pain. It'll pass......
But I try to reflect , take notes and learn from them.
A lot actaually do happen within me and outside of me.
A lot of growth take place. New idea, or concepts.
God send people into my life and I've met a lot of
wonder people and friend here and at home.

In a wierd sense of way. I'm a happier person and the relationship
between my HP is closer and deeper. I don't beat myself up
thats for sure.

I'm writhing this becuase it's also helping me heal.
You're not alone.
Congrats on the 90 days and your 15 years.
Still clean and sober today and still trying to work it somehow
We'll give people plenty to talk about.
As an old timer told me..."I must be doing something right".lol

Poeple with a couple of years of clean time talking crap.
about me , dosen't bother me a bit.....I had 2 years before too.
It 's the 5th year that really makes you crazy.lol

You know what to do.
God Bless.
nutz is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 01:08 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Hi Evanna, 51anna, Time2Surrender, Nutz, Thank you all for your support. I need it.
Evanna You brought up something, I never thought about co-dependency. I haven't read any literature on co-dependency. Can you please direct me to some literature? Thank you so much again.

It feels good to know there are people who can relate. Nutz I can really relate to loving and giving to much. I can relate to what you are feeling yes indeed. I have those same feelings. Me I disconnected myself from my home group. All those emotions you spoke about seems to haunt me. I believe it really has to do with being abandon. I'm so clingy, I have a big problem of letting go. When someone leaves me, I do a number on myself, guilt, not good enough, all those emotions surface.

I begin to punish myself by not taking care of me. I'm my worst critic. I allow myself to be used, all because I feel I deserve to be hurt, that is so sad. It feels good to know, I've come to the right place. I allowed this person, I was in a relationship with, to abuse me verbally. I'm detaching as we speak. I love him and miss him. I know nothing good will come out of this. It's not about changing him it's about changing me, confronting my demons.With the help of you all, I believe I'm well on my way. My sponsor will be proud, I've found a forum that deals with recovery.

I found the website I lost that has the BIG BOOK and stepwork. I started on step one. Once again thank you so much. You know , I punish myself so much my house looks like a shooting gallery. Now mind you, I never allowed one single person in my home, never used my home as a means to get high. When I relasped I was at a friend home. This friend, I'm no longer in there company. I felt my best interest wasn't at heart. Once again I want to thank all of you for your support.

When I relasped I didn't beat myself up about my clean time I lost. All I thought about was getting to a meeting with the quickness The first meeting I attend was a Anniversary. The women who was celebrating, was celebrating 1 yr sobriety after relaspe from 15yrs we were friends. I hadn't seen this women I knew for about 4 yrs. The last time I saw her we both were hanging out. I had no idea she was in pain she had no idea I was in pain. We both was wearing a mask.

I picked up my one day key chain at her Anniversary. My sponsor was there. I hadn't seen or talked to my sponsor in yrs also. When I saw it was my friend celebrating and my sponsor sitting there, I knew I was right were I was suppose to be.When I picked up my one day key chain they both cried. I relasped on alcohol on my birthday trying to fit in with my ex boyfriend mother and sister who had taken me out for my birthday. So now I will have 90 days clean January 31 Thanks for letting me share.
Scorpio007 is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 01:22 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Time2Surrender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Blog Entries: 7
Glad your here Scorpio.Can you post the link to the site you were talking about with the Big book and the step work? I would like to check it out.
Time2Surrender is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 01:44 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Hi Time, it's good to see there is someone on line Here is the website for step work & Big Book http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

http://www.nicd.us/steponeguide.html

This particular site has all the step 1-12
Once again thank you. I'll be back on line Saturday, but if I can get my PC at home to run I'll be back on 2morrow.

http://www.nicd.us/stepworkandrelapseprevention.html This is the home page
Scorpio007 is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 02:02 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Time2Surrender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Blog Entries: 7
Cool Scorpio.Thank you for the links.I saved them in my favorites.Heres some more work sheets I found. http://www.12step.org/worksheets/worksheets.htm
Time2Surrender is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 02:26 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Evanna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by Scorpio007
Evanna You brought up something, I never thought about co-dependency. I haven't read any literature on co-dependency. Can you please direct me to some literature? Thank you so much again.
Hi Scorpio,
Real good to have you on board.

Have a look here;
http://www.coda.org/codapatt.html
http://www.codependents.org/
http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm


Best Wishes,
Evanna.
Evanna is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 04:23 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Evanna, I'm really glad to be on board really I am. Thank you again Time2Surrender Also thank you for the work sheet. This site is raelly a God sent I'm at wk right now getting ready to head home. I will try to log on 2night @ home. You all have a Blessed and prosperous day
Scorpio007 is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 10:37 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
doing the inside job
 
nutz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
I relapes on only alcohol just as will.
Thank god it didn't progress into my drug of choice of the end of my
using days. I notice the progression within just a couple of weeks.
I started drinking only the hard stuff and it wasn't doing the trick.
I started asking people where I can get pot. Thank god NA found me.

Weird, I felt just the same about my 11 years which I had worked
so hard for. I felt so beat, sick and tired of being sick and tired,
even before I relaped. My partner become abusive emotionally
,verbally mentally and finacailly. To get clean and sober and watch my lively hood gambled away wasn't exactly what I had in mind. Everthing I
did was wrong to her.And of course I wasn't a happy camper.

My character trait is also being a loyalist +, but the flip side
of the that is I'm co-dependant (not so opsistive). It's a
struggle and a half becuase I truly love her every much.
It tides into being adandant. Here's I'm again, older.
I still feel abadant emotionally. Or I felt like I've been
thrown away.

But it gets deeper as I work my recovery more and more.
More will be reveal as stated so many times.
I relized thur of this crap.. I also had habit of adandanting myself.
drugs and alcohol and the crazy things I do are just the symtoms
of that. I knew that, but living thur it sober was som'in else.

I also allowed myself to grieve over her or the lost of what
I thought of what my hopes and dreams was of the relationship.
It was a big lost for me.
The process of greiving helped detached from her emotionally.
I also relized I was much stronger of a person than my disease
would tell me. My relationship with my HP also got closer.

Godbless
nutz is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 10:57 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
mbwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Darned if I know!
Posts: 2
Thanks for the links to the online steps - it has been quite a while since I worked those steps! I have a question - when I work the steps do I use only this relapse as my examples? For example - I have not passed out in the past 8 months since I relapsed - but God knows I did in my 10 year stint 25 years ago.
mbwoman is offline  
Old 01-19-2005, 10:59 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
mbwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Darned if I know!
Posts: 2
Scorpio007 I am new today, too! Good luck to you (and everyone!) and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.
mbwoman is offline  
Old 01-20-2005, 11:56 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Hi everyone, :hello2
Welcome MbWomen,
You know I'm a little upset, I posted a reply earlier and my PC at wk froze on me I lost my original reply. I know for me, when I first came around 15yr ago. I was caught up in chasing meeting going to the dances. I was able to do my first step. I was very judgemental, I had low self esteem.I had a sponsor I was in a relationship with a Man may God bless his soul. This man couldn't stop using. I tried everything, threateing him ETC he would try and give up. I loved him with all my heart.

My friend back then, died as a result of his addiction he became HIV possitive.
My HP was watching over me even when I didn't believe. In the begining I didn't have protective sex with him but eventually I did. What happened I'm grateful this happened to me, I had people I could talk to back then, he and I just had sex, the next day I woke up I felt like I had used. Now mind you this was 15yr ago. I had six month clean. I couldn't understand why I felt so sluggish when I was a energetic person.

I went to this women who had some clean time and told her what was happening to me. She explained to me whatever he puts in his body goes into your body, when you have sex with him. She told me if he's getting high he's putting drugs and chemicals in your body. Immediately I started using protection. I didn't like feeling like I used when in fact I didn't. This women helped me to save my life.

Nutz your story and my story are so simular, My husband I made him my High Power. I believe in most of my relationship, I gave my power away, all for the sake of love. All because I wanted to be loved. I had no clue on how to love myself. So really I was just clean not doing any work. I was a dressed up garbage can. I didn't share much in meetings. I did more listening then anything.

They call that stealing from the program. I thank God for this site and the people here. I have a place I can share and talk about me. I'm kinda shy when someone is looking at me, I get nervous standing before a group of people talking about me. Here I can dump and I feel ok thank you so much.

MbWomen for me, when I started my step work, this go around, it was suggested I start from the first time I took my first or drink or drug. This was when I was a child sneaking a drink off the table, when my mother and father had company. I had to been 4 yr old maybe younger. I sure do remember, the drink almost killed me, it took my breath away It was suggested to me you start from the begining. Good luck to us all we live a clean and sober life
Scorpio007 is offline  
Old 01-21-2005, 12:03 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Time2Surrender's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Blog Entries: 7
Thats quite a story Scorpio.Thanks for sharing that,and I am glad you are here.
Time2Surrender is offline  
Old 01-21-2005, 12:08 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Scorpio007's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Baltimore Md.
Posts: 31
Thank you so much !I had to edit, I made so many mistake writting . I'm glad to be here
:hello2:
Scorpio007 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:45 PM.