Jenn72

I have posted a few "messages" on the site, but I have no idea where to begin.... I feel as If my world is spinning out of control, and I'd like to get the control back. Where do i begin? I felt as though I was so alone until I found this site, I've read some of the "stories" and I see myself in them... My BF is an A - has been for about 15 years, started with pot, then cocaine, crack now the choice is heroin. I find myself loving him so much, but I don't know how much more I can give of myself before I become lost. I have my vices, which I am trying hard to work on. But by him saying he loves me, has dreams for us???? And Then...... Nothing- I felt for a long time that I could change him, that Love could change him. But so far, all I do is just supply the ATM.. When we fight-it's about the drugs - him wanting - me not giving him the money, then it's the old- If you love me you'll help me, I'm trying- But i've been hearing this for about 3 months now. Can an A really love a person?

Any words of advice? As I am in desperate need of some right now. I now I'm new to the site, but I hope someone can help me thru this.....

CAPTAINZING2000

hON, U SAID THE MAGIC WORD ATM. DON'T SUPPORT HIS HABIT WE LIE TO OURSELVES AND EVERYONE AROUND US. THE ONLY THING WE LOVE IS GETTING THE NEXT BUZZ. I HAD TO LOSE EVERYTHING TO STOP. ARE YOU WILLING TO GO THE DISTANCE AND WATCH HIM DESTROY HIS LIFE SUCKIN U IN WITH HIM? BTW, IF U WANT TO HELP HIM DON'T GIVE HIM MONEY FOR DRUGS

Jenn72

Thanks For the reply.. I'm not really good at navigating this site, It took me a half hour just to get back here.... I do feel like an ATM, I don't want to have his guilt anymore.. The I'm sorry's have become overwhelming to me. I'm very new to this whole atmosphere, I do smoke, which now I am trying to stop- Actually I've been 7 days sober.. It's nice to live in the real world. DO i stay with him? Do i leave him, and then just do my own struggles with the guilt of - Then I'll just end it.. I want to be there so he doesn't hit "Rock bottom" but then again, I don't know if I can. I just feel very tired....

chase

Jenn,

welcome.... and sounds like the captain is on to something.

keep posting

Pray about it.

god speed to u

chase

LADYANGOLA

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS HARSH...BY THE WAY CONGRATS ARE BEING CLEAN...BUT HONEY YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF FIRST...YOU HAVE THINGS TO WORK ON..AND YOU CAN NOT DO THAT...AND BE HIS BABY SITTER...THINK OF HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO BE IN THE REAL WORLD...PLEASE STAY HERE...MAYBE HE IS NOT READY TO JOIN YOU...THAT IS HIS PROBLEM....CONCENTRATE ON TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF...IT WILL WORK OUT...V

Jenn72

Thank You All.. I AM in need of support, I believe in my heart that I can do it for myself, but I don't believe I can do it for him.. I Do know that he has to want it for himself, whihc of course he claims he does, but everyday he comes home with something-saying that he's trying to wean off... But how can u wean??? I am praying that I am strong enough to end our relationship, I would love to be his friend, but I can not live with him, My question is How do I Handle the guilt? How do I respond when he says If you leave I'll just kill myself? I truly know this is not my fault as his own mother threw him out.... But I guess what they say Love Hurts is a true statement.

LADYANGOLA

listen..if he really wanted to kill himself he would...sorry i know how mean that sound but you couldn't stop him...you said you are strong enough to help yourself...well there you have answered you own question...try this....let him go..think of it as running from a burning building do not look back and be grateful you are alive..... ..it is very hard to stay clean when you are with someone who is not...the truth is he does not love you enough to see that he is hurting you...love ...boy is that word over used...i say don't tell me ..show me....what is he showing you???you sound like you have the answers but you want permission to leave...ok....follow your own instints...we all have compassion for him ..and pity...but i think you need to let go...and so do you...take yourself out of the piture if this a friend..or anyone what would you say....???stay strong...if you ever need a friend i am here...v

Jenn72

Thank You, I do need friends, probably more than ever right now. I know your right by saying that if he was going to kill himself-he would be dead already, he is on his was to slowly killing himself, and I can't be around to witness it. It is so very hard to stay clean and be with him, i feel like just using to be "how he is", Feel what he's feeling,, I was a pot smoker for 10 years and am clean, not a long time but still clean. With him i used Coke for the first time-all my life I vowed never to touch the stuff, then I did with him.... UNBELIEVABLE- Compassion/And Pity Is what I Feel for him , I do have love for him, but wjen I now look at him I just feel sad. I want to help, but like people say - You can';t help someone who does not want help..

Thank You All For Kind words And Support- I need them sooooooooooo Much
I'm begining to feel stronger already

LADYANGOLA

Jen...with The More Time That Passes And The Longer You Stay Clean...it Will Become Clearer And Clearer That Leaving Him Was The Best Thing For You...maybe Even Both Of You,,think Of It This Way..if You Are Helpping Him By Being An Atm...you May Be Killing Him...so In A Weird Way It Is What Is Best For Him Too...and The Guilt..you Would Feel... If He Od...on Money You Gave Him ...would Be Unbearable...stay Strong Post Everyday...take Care V.