Where should I go, welcome guidance.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2
Where should I go, welcome guidance.
I really don't know where to start... I have written this post several different ways, adding, deleting text to help figure out what I am trying to say.. and.. I am struggling... My brother is dying, slowly... because of drugs, alcohol and depression.
My brother, 28 yrs old has a drinking problem (ie. undiagnosed alcoholic I suspect). On several occasions within the last four months he has blacked out while drinking. One of those 'event's' led him to start a fight, blacked-out while getting jumped by several men, waking up to not remember how he ended up on the ground with paramedic's around him. The more recent event, three days before Christmas he drank while out of town for work - drinking at the bar in the hotel and apparently became 'disorderly'; blacked-out in his hotel room (not knowing how he got there) and woke-up to police outside his door. He was arrested for 'disorderly conduct' and cocaine possession. He has been drinking since he was probably 13, using pot to self-medicate his ADD (diagnosed when he was 16/17) and has tried and uses harder drugs, not just cocaine throughout his life. Five years ago, he was arrested - got a DUI thus losing his drivers license. He has regained his license, but... his lifestyle is no different, drives drunk and lives each day to test the law.
After landing in jail this past Christmas, my family has made a united decision to ‘intervene.’ He has hurt us for so long – and my sister’s children are now becoming exposed to the problems their Uncle has. A year ago, my brother, after being annoyed that my nephew kept kicking him (in a joking manner) and by accident ‘kicked him close to his ‘sensitive male part’, my brother picked him up off the couch and threw him down back on the couch, yelling at him directly in his face to not do that again. My nephew is 10 years old and to this day, is not comfortable around my brother. Sadly, because of my brother’s temper, having had drank a few beers and disregard for driving cautiously when mad - - we didn’t know what was worse, run to our nephew/sister’s son to find out if he was okay or run outside as my brother was preparing to zoom off to avoid a potentially hazard on the road. What kind of decision is that? We have always had to ‘take care’ of my brother in this way because you didn’t know what he was capable of, and the worst thing in the world was if he went to a bar, had drugs in his car and used and ultimately, killed somebody on the road because he was angry at us for ‘never supporting him’… and in that instance, he was angry at us because we were ‘pi….d’ that he just did what he did… though, we had to console him like a child in the hopes he would get home safely…. Then, we could turn are attentions to my nephew… AWFUL! This is one example of a life long of examples that bring us to having to deal with this once and for all…. And it is the scariest thing to do.
My family, for the first time, united, wants to really help him for our last time... we want to do an intervention of some kind. How? My father plans on telling him that we love him, and we want him to get 'healthy' and he has two choices... De-tox or walk-away. If he walks away, we all have to cut-him from anything and everything we now do for him to support his continued abuse of us (though without us, he loses his job thus his son doesn’t get child support, thus he ends up homeless and continues to use drugs until he is dead). I am 95% sure he will choose to walk-away because of pride, not because he really wants to. Deep down, he does love us... I know it... but, his alcohol/drugs is getting too intense these days that that part of him is fading... he cries, when we fight he gets angry and hurt... but, then tells us that he will never do what we want, never be like us, that life isn't as rosy as we make it appear to be and for that way of thinking makes us stupid. An intervention will probably appear to him as a way to "control" him..., and he refuses to leave his friends... he chooses them over us all the time. BUT, we are the only ones that are there for him.. bail him out of jail, provide him shelter when needed, the drop of a hat will fix something he got himself into... I know we are supporting his behavior... but, which one are we supposed to not support? We are his family... we want him to get help for ADD hoping that it may level him off a bit... I think he could stop if he wants..., but as he pointed out... "he has no one to talk to about this, no one to hold him at night" so, he will continue to slide down the slope because we aren't there for him on his terms.... How do we stop this cycle of being abused by his mental state... between the ADD, alcohol and drugs - - what does he want... and, how can we help him without making him run the other way? And the kicker, from a kid that insisted on leaving home, sleeping around, living in cars, playing in alley's after dark - - apparently, it is our fault - - we did it to him..., but he always wants to be with us for holiday’s (which is a far cry from three years ago when he just wanted to be around us when he needed something). I am confused and desperate to know how my family can help him.
Sorry this is so long.. I really don’t know how to convey our pain or problem… my brother is stepping up his drugs. Lastly, he did admit to me that he plans to reduce his hard alcohol intake because that keeps getting him into problems… What? Why tell me that - - is it because I want to hear it or because he really wants to believe it? And, if he can really reduce it… living with a roommate that use drugs heavily… what will that do? Will he turn to drugs because they don’t make him black-out? Please help, I need more insight on him to approach him properly…
My brother, 28 yrs old has a drinking problem (ie. undiagnosed alcoholic I suspect). On several occasions within the last four months he has blacked out while drinking. One of those 'event's' led him to start a fight, blacked-out while getting jumped by several men, waking up to not remember how he ended up on the ground with paramedic's around him. The more recent event, three days before Christmas he drank while out of town for work - drinking at the bar in the hotel and apparently became 'disorderly'; blacked-out in his hotel room (not knowing how he got there) and woke-up to police outside his door. He was arrested for 'disorderly conduct' and cocaine possession. He has been drinking since he was probably 13, using pot to self-medicate his ADD (diagnosed when he was 16/17) and has tried and uses harder drugs, not just cocaine throughout his life. Five years ago, he was arrested - got a DUI thus losing his drivers license. He has regained his license, but... his lifestyle is no different, drives drunk and lives each day to test the law.
After landing in jail this past Christmas, my family has made a united decision to ‘intervene.’ He has hurt us for so long – and my sister’s children are now becoming exposed to the problems their Uncle has. A year ago, my brother, after being annoyed that my nephew kept kicking him (in a joking manner) and by accident ‘kicked him close to his ‘sensitive male part’, my brother picked him up off the couch and threw him down back on the couch, yelling at him directly in his face to not do that again. My nephew is 10 years old and to this day, is not comfortable around my brother. Sadly, because of my brother’s temper, having had drank a few beers and disregard for driving cautiously when mad - - we didn’t know what was worse, run to our nephew/sister’s son to find out if he was okay or run outside as my brother was preparing to zoom off to avoid a potentially hazard on the road. What kind of decision is that? We have always had to ‘take care’ of my brother in this way because you didn’t know what he was capable of, and the worst thing in the world was if he went to a bar, had drugs in his car and used and ultimately, killed somebody on the road because he was angry at us for ‘never supporting him’… and in that instance, he was angry at us because we were ‘pi….d’ that he just did what he did… though, we had to console him like a child in the hopes he would get home safely…. Then, we could turn are attentions to my nephew… AWFUL! This is one example of a life long of examples that bring us to having to deal with this once and for all…. And it is the scariest thing to do.
My family, for the first time, united, wants to really help him for our last time... we want to do an intervention of some kind. How? My father plans on telling him that we love him, and we want him to get 'healthy' and he has two choices... De-tox or walk-away. If he walks away, we all have to cut-him from anything and everything we now do for him to support his continued abuse of us (though without us, he loses his job thus his son doesn’t get child support, thus he ends up homeless and continues to use drugs until he is dead). I am 95% sure he will choose to walk-away because of pride, not because he really wants to. Deep down, he does love us... I know it... but, his alcohol/drugs is getting too intense these days that that part of him is fading... he cries, when we fight he gets angry and hurt... but, then tells us that he will never do what we want, never be like us, that life isn't as rosy as we make it appear to be and for that way of thinking makes us stupid. An intervention will probably appear to him as a way to "control" him..., and he refuses to leave his friends... he chooses them over us all the time. BUT, we are the only ones that are there for him.. bail him out of jail, provide him shelter when needed, the drop of a hat will fix something he got himself into... I know we are supporting his behavior... but, which one are we supposed to not support? We are his family... we want him to get help for ADD hoping that it may level him off a bit... I think he could stop if he wants..., but as he pointed out... "he has no one to talk to about this, no one to hold him at night" so, he will continue to slide down the slope because we aren't there for him on his terms.... How do we stop this cycle of being abused by his mental state... between the ADD, alcohol and drugs - - what does he want... and, how can we help him without making him run the other way? And the kicker, from a kid that insisted on leaving home, sleeping around, living in cars, playing in alley's after dark - - apparently, it is our fault - - we did it to him..., but he always wants to be with us for holiday’s (which is a far cry from three years ago when he just wanted to be around us when he needed something). I am confused and desperate to know how my family can help him.
Sorry this is so long.. I really don’t know how to convey our pain or problem… my brother is stepping up his drugs. Lastly, he did admit to me that he plans to reduce his hard alcohol intake because that keeps getting him into problems… What? Why tell me that - - is it because I want to hear it or because he really wants to believe it? And, if he can really reduce it… living with a roommate that use drugs heavily… what will that do? Will he turn to drugs because they don’t make him black-out? Please help, I need more insight on him to approach him properly…
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome
You may want to start reading the sticky posts at the top of the Nar Anon and the Family and Friends of Alcoholics boards.
If his depression and actions are bad enough and you try to intervene, what you may do is just keep him safe for a night or two if they take him in.
His issues, His addictions... Only he can stop them. He will stop them when he wants to stop them.
Seek the support of Nar Anon and or Al Anon through meetings in your area.
Through the meetings you will find just what it is you can and can't do.
You may want to start reading the sticky posts at the top of the Nar Anon and the Family and Friends of Alcoholics boards.
If his depression and actions are bad enough and you try to intervene, what you may do is just keep him safe for a night or two if they take him in.
His issues, His addictions... Only he can stop them. He will stop them when he wants to stop them.
Seek the support of Nar Anon and or Al Anon through meetings in your area.
Through the meetings you will find just what it is you can and can't do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: gone
Posts: 35
Forluvofbrother,
I don't have any great wisdom here, but my heart goes out to you and your family. My brother was a lot like yours, it sounds like--he even spent a couple years riding the rails as a homeless guy. We all thought he'd just disappear, or be found beaten and dead behind a bar somewhere. It was excruciating, because there was nothing any of us could do to MAKE him better. Now, 8 years later, he is not the same guy--he says he had to get to the point where he genuinely WANTED to be better before he could change. (plus, he was beaten to within an inch of his life and had his wallet stolen the last time he was drunk--ended up in the hospital, etc.) Maybe that's what woke him up, I don't know. But I do know that what seemed to be a hopeless situation 10 years ago is now good. My brother has held down a good job for 6 years now, is clean & sober, and is doing a decent job raising his 9-year-old daughter on his own.
There is hope for your brother.
I'm sure the advice given to you above my post is exactly where you need to go.
I'll put you, your brother, and your family in my prayers today.
Hang in there,
--C
I don't have any great wisdom here, but my heart goes out to you and your family. My brother was a lot like yours, it sounds like--he even spent a couple years riding the rails as a homeless guy. We all thought he'd just disappear, or be found beaten and dead behind a bar somewhere. It was excruciating, because there was nothing any of us could do to MAKE him better. Now, 8 years later, he is not the same guy--he says he had to get to the point where he genuinely WANTED to be better before he could change. (plus, he was beaten to within an inch of his life and had his wallet stolen the last time he was drunk--ended up in the hospital, etc.) Maybe that's what woke him up, I don't know. But I do know that what seemed to be a hopeless situation 10 years ago is now good. My brother has held down a good job for 6 years now, is clean & sober, and is doing a decent job raising his 9-year-old daughter on his own.
There is hope for your brother.
I'm sure the advice given to you above my post is exactly where you need to go.
I'll put you, your brother, and your family in my prayers today.
Hang in there,
--C
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2
Thank you Best & Caraduinn... thank you for reading my long story... and your helpful words. I teared up when you (caraduinn) shared your story.. for years I kept hoping it would turn around, and moments in time when I thought he finally learned his lesson.. or that he hit the bottom (deeper than the time before)... then, he just does it again. It is really wonderful that your brother turned around and has been doing well for a long time... though I am sure there is a part of you that is waiting for the shoe to drop, they will never know how much pain they cause. You know, my brother actually thinks that family should be there for financial support always; his has said that if my parents were wealthier, they could have afforded the attorneys to bail him out of situations that are now on his record, thus.. now preventing him from achieving things in his life. He has blamed them for everything owning no responsibility for the fact he left us; we didn't abandon him... though admittedly, it is not our lifestyle to hang around with people that use drugs, scream at us, talk down to us and demand 'respect' for just being alive.
I am grateful for this site and Best for directing me to threads that may help further guide me to a better solution... thank you both very much. I wish for you happiness and peace.. and, I too will pray tonight...knowing that there will be multiple voices praying with me.
I am grateful for this site and Best for directing me to threads that may help further guide me to a better solution... thank you both very much. I wish for you happiness and peace.. and, I too will pray tonight...knowing that there will be multiple voices praying with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: gone
Posts: 35
Forluvofbrother,
What a hard time for you all--thinking about this just takes me back to the years of agony my brother put my mom & all of us through. Your situation has really stuck in my mind. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers--let us know how things go..
Cara
What a hard time for you all--thinking about this just takes me back to the years of agony my brother put my mom & all of us through. Your situation has really stuck in my mind. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers--let us know how things go..
Cara
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