wildsaffron

Hiya,

Sorry guys just need to vent a little. I am so delighted with having made it this far and the anxiety seemed to disappear a couple of days ago - only comes back if I am overtired.

I have been sharing an apartment with my business partner for 2 1/2 months who smokes for Europe and is a self confessed alcoholic. (His favourite quote - "The nicest people I know are alcoholics" - it seems to work for him - only after work, never during the working day...)

Anyway he had been trying to convince me to become a social drinker and this just made things worse - now I was making a fool of myself in public instead of in private!! Anyway the rest is history - had to decide for myself to stop, found this group after a few days, go the the odd AA meeting, do my gratitude list morning and evening etc etc and this has put him in really bad humour.

I have no desire to go to the pub - although I do every so often not to be unsociable - stick to the Virgin Marys - (yum - and tomato juice IS good for stress) - I am not craving alcohol - in fact the very thought of it going down my throat turns my stomach.

My productivity has gone up 100%; the house is tidy; I am taking responsible financial decisions; I am a happy bunny; eating well, loadsa vitamins; exercise plan in place; but as I am used to living by myself I don't tend to be very chatty all the time - especially if I am absorbed in a task. I don't talk in the mornings - I need peace and quiet while I ease myself into the day - this has always been me. Night times - va va voom!!! I am ready to party!!!

But we had a fierce row today which had been brewing for a while - "your attitude stinks", "you were much nicer when you were drinking", "I'm never coming back, will correspond by fax"; and to cap it all - "you are a dry drunk".

Now I looked up the definition of dry drunkeness and as far as I can see this is the synopsiswebhealthcentre.com)

Thoughts About Associated Pleasures: You start thinking constantly about pleasures associated with drinking. Though you are aware that you have had problems with alcohol, still you imagine that drinking was a pleasant experience.
(I don't think about alcohol at all)

Fear About Well Being: You feel a lack of confidence and extreme anxiety in life without alcohol. If there is any stress, you seem to want a quick peg.
(I have extreme anxiety about a life WITH alcohol. I have a couple of exercises to deal with stress head on - not by blocking it out or denying it - which lead to me drinking in the first place..)

Loneliness Leading to Depression: You experience intense loneliness. All these days, you were drinking with your cronies, or you were drinking alone. All your highs had been in relation with liquor. You had cut yourself off from many social relationships to be with the bottle. Now you are alone. There are people around you but there is no communication.
(True - but this is reality - one does cut oneself off from friends and family. Old friendships need to be repaired, new ones built - and this takes time. It's par for the course). In the meantime as Robbins says, "what can I do to make myself feel better while I am solving this problem"?

Irritation and Anger: You consider staying away from drink a major sacrifice. So you think everyone and everything else should conform to your expectations. This, naturally, does not happen and this leads to stress, anger and frustration.
(I feel everybody should do exactly want they want. I would love to be "normal" in the alcohol area but can't - but I like to see others enjoying themselves.) I get irritated at my business partner when I come home and find him burning shirts in the grate when someone upset him, when he sends me dozens of drunken text messages - all this after Remy Martin & Port - but I try and keep it down because that was the state I allowed myself to get into. Otherwise it's the normal irritation against men who leave cigerrette butts all over the place, throw clothes exactly where they took them off, keep a filing system like an atom bomb just went off in the room after I have spent hours assidously filing etc etc

Impatience: Things cannot happen soon enough for you. You can’t wait to get your suspension order revoked, or the promotion that was delayed.
(It took time for me to get this way - 7 years - and it will take time for me to be ok. I am extremely fortunate that I had an understanding boss and in the way I have been looked after.)

Compulsive Behaviour: You try many mood altering activities. You talk continuously in the presence of others or keep absolutely quiet. You might make impulsive and impractical purchases to impress friends or family. You might take to gambling or some other route of escape from reality.
(The opposite - I am more measured and thoughtful now - looking at the long term view. When I was drinking was when I was an impulsive buyer - not planning finances ahead of time.)

Self Pity: This is the biggest and most negative rut you can get into. You seem to think you have been singled out for injustice.
(The self pity came near the bottom of the bottle. "Poor me - it's everyone else's fault; my mother didn't love me; so and so did such to me; whinge whinge whinge - whereas without drink I can recognise my own involvement in my life where it is now and take appropriate steps to (a) stop repeating the pattern (b) try and rectify the damage..)

Tunnel Vision: You try to drown yourself in work and escape from social or family obligations. Or you shy away from responsibilities at work and try to integrate yourself with another aspect of life. You do not look at the facets of your life with balance.

(I love my work so yes, I could probably sit at my computer all day - but there are other things I need to do as well - my self care morning and evening, domestic duties, and dealing with one difficult area of my life a day (usually in the form of having to make amends to a person I have upset). Once I have met my main obligations I shall be out - oooh la la - always wanted to go salsa dancing, ballroom dancing, get fit enough to play squash again, hip hop on a Sunday night, rally driving, life is full of possibilities...)

Denials and Over Confidence: You deny that you have to make lifestyle changes. You deny that you have to change your attitude to life. You do not want to discuss your problem. You boast that you have kicked the habit. Quite recklessly, you even say that you can drink without getting addicted again. You do not realise that at this point, you are not ready for this test at all!
(Having been sober during this 7 year period for just under 3 years I realise there is no room for boasting in this area. Overconfidence leads to a fall. I do want to talk about it just not go on and on - I prefer to recognise the problem and find the solution. It's a blessing to come in here and talk to people who are in the same boat, though.)

Please someone tell me I am not completely off the wall here!! I appreciate any comments if you have been in this situation or see something I am missing. I have made a choice about my support system - since I have been in SR rooms I have made such great progress - I would not be this far without the support I have received in here. (I would appreciate not getting involved in an AA vs other systems debate.)

Thank you for making it so far down the page and apologies for the whinge - I hate whinging!!

WhingingSaffron

CAPTAINZING2000

Hmmmm,

Keen Observations You've Made And The Fact That You've Researched This.

Obsession!!!!!!!!!!!! Of The Mind Disease Of The Mind!!!!!!!!!! Insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!


We Delude Ourselves Into Thinking Everything Is Ok Just Because, We Don't Drink

We Have To Retrain Ourselves. I Don't Recall You Saying Our You Going To Mettings? What Helped Me Most, I Tok Other Drunks Back And Forth To The Meetings, Made The Coffee, Took Out The Trash And Set Meetings Up. I Hate To Scare Anyone But, The Statisitics Are Stacked Againsy People Coming Into Aa

Not May People Are Willing To Change Their Lives Around. You Often Need To Give Up Friends, Family, The Bars, And Everything Else You Associate With The Drink Be It Concerts Or Sporting Events.

We Have A Line In The Readings Half Measures Availed Us Nothing, We Stood At The Turning Point.

One Other Thing Thing Comes To My Mind Important 1 I Might Add, Prayer, From Everything I've Digested On Ths Subject Prayer Is A Great Source Of Comfort And The Quickest Way To Get Your Self On Track Be It From A Hospital Or Any Thing Else In Life.

Keep In Mind, These Our Only My Thoughts On This. They Have Worked For Me. I Have Kept My Self In The Same Routine For The Past 5and A Half Years. Too Often, People Think They Can Just Not Drink And Keep Doing The Same Thing W/o Drinking This Doesn't Wash. Everywhere You Go There You Are


Chris

Don S

You sound incredibly rational and are being very realistic about your sobriety. If that's the definition of a 'dry drunk' (I wouldn't know; it's an AA term), I don't think you are one. Thanks for posting the definition and the link; I've been curious about this term for a while.

"your attitude stinks", "you were much nicer when you were drinking", "I'm never coming back, will correspond by fax"; and to cap it all - "you are a dry drunk".
Sounds to me as though the problem is with your partner. Someone is drunk, and not dry, and it isn't you.
Don

wildsaffron

Thanks guys, I feel a whole heap better about this.

I have a list of "morning questions" that I have to do first thing when I awake and the first question is "what are you happy about? what about this makes you happy? how does this make you feel?"

And my answer was undeniable - I was so happy to wake up in my own lovely clean scented apartment with Maria Callas in the bedroom (in the cd player that is, otherwise that would just be too freaky..lol) in my own chosen environment without this hassle - I didn't realise how much anxiety it was causing me. I was lying there waiting for the familiar knot in the stomach - and it wasn't there!

Me and my lungs thank y'all.

WildSaffron

p.s. for "partner" read "business partner". Now I would have to be seriously drunk to go there!

Chy

"I'm never coming back, will correspond by fax?" *LMAO* is he serious, WTF is the point then. ......ohhhhh I think your doing fabulous darling!

wildsaffron

Thank you, Chy. Well, the fax is safe enough - and e-mail - it's called e-working lol I hold the only signatory to the bank account so I can pay myself after working out my hours.......there is a God!!

Wornout Saffron (now sloping off to bed with a flask of hot water, a journal, and a few other dead musicians.....)

Andy F

Hi Wildsaffron

I think I might have chinned someone had they called me a dry drunk in my early days. And looking back I don't think I would have regretted it. It a very judgemental and distorted comment in my view. After I had not had a drink for some months, one day I started staggering down the street - that's what I used to think a dry drunk was. I'm going to take no notice of the definition by the wellhealthcentre as in my view not only is it only their subjective opinion, by their standards everyone on the planet fits the description.

Saying Dry drunk is 'labeling' other behaviours that deserve to be treated independantly and without judgement. It can also be used by people to try and coerce you into 'their' way of thinking or punish you because you are different and this makes them feel uncomfortable. It's a bit like name calling at school.

In your particular case, with your self-confessed alcoholic business partner, it sounds like he's annoyed either because he's lost his drinking pal or because your sober example pokes his conscience about his own drinking. From his point of view it may well suit his needs for you to drink again. I am of course putting possibilties here, I am not giving advice

regards

Andy F

kckman

W.saffron, I think your busines partner misses the companionship he had with you when you were drinking after all he was trying to convince you to become a social drinker. It sounds to me like you could read the writing on the wall as far as your personal use of alcohol was concerned.

When I read the definiton of dry drunk you presented it fit mostly for me when I was drinking. Thanks for posting that defination. I know for sure I am not now a dry drunk. It seems to me that the way you put it you are not one either.

dendrohugger

Some of the best advice for me came from a school teacher, "It's none of your business what people think of you" I have done what you are doing right now because of someone elses halfhazzard comments and I let it consume me to the point you have (rationalizing the description of a "dry drunk") Once I started repeating that simple sentance in my head "Its none of my business what people think of me" I stopped confronting every little situation that occured in my life and every person who didn't like either what I was doing or like me for whatever reasons. Another thing I have heard around AA is "I didn't know there was so much business until I started minding my own" or something close to that? anyway, take care

CAPTAINZING2000

Hey Brown Eyed Girl I Do Think, You're Doing A Great Job . I Doubt, I'd Have Been Doing As Good A Job Under What You're Going Thru .

From The Brown Eyed Guy