greenmeadow

maybe I should learn to keep my mouth shut.... i said earlier today I was ready to face the ups and downs today?

well I am not ready

i found out that a person who was involved in some disasters I experienced some years back and whom I have not seen or heard zip about since then thank heaven, is now involved in an association I belong to which has been important to me as part of my rebuilding my life and has to do with my art....

I feel all kinds of emotions right now and one of them is disbelief and anger.

I don't know that xyz would know my own connection to this place as I myself do not have a list of all members but the chances of running in to xyz have now soared.

I am too new to all the steps and attitudes in this program, too new to getting my own life together in ways that have nothing to do with alcohol, to even begin to think how I might handle this.

My instinct is to drop that part of my life and search for other avenues to further my art despite the time lost and the aggravation.

Why would God (HP) put this on me now? Maybe I wasn't meant to be there? I don't know what to think.

i cant type all the things going through my mind.

this is awful

greenmeadow

chase

I am new here so I am not sure really about what and how to post and/or interpret posts.
However -- Think about what you need to do that would be what is good , honest , and honorable.

god speed to you

kckman

green, this is what i would temperaly do. take a step back give this new problem alittle time. dont do anything rash just try to settle down and give your self a moment to calm down. i hope this helps good luck.

greenmeadow

I just came back on....

Thanks to both of you. I am thinking what is good and honourable and all that. Even about forgiveness, but not to the point I would knowingly put myself in xyz's path. Forgive is different from putting myself in a situation I have no desire to. So.....

As you said too, I did nothing rash. Instead I thought about what I had been thinking anyway for some time about the direction of my art. I hadn't been sure which direction to choose the last few weeks. Had been thinking about it but had come to no real conclusion as I didn't seem to have to for now.

I went off to my studio tonight and began to work on some art for a few hours and quietly came to a decision. It helped that some time in my "youth" some wise man told me to think about an alternative "plan", another way I might do anything whatever it might be, in case I need to go off in a different direction, whenever....sort of along the lines of well this is what you want but if that doesn't work what do you plan to do sort of thing....maybe it stuck really well hearing that then, because for the most part even when i never really planned it, I always seem to have had alternate ideas with me whenever something didn't work out regardless of what it was or how insignificant....

I am doing nothing now but taking a bit of time for my art and thinking: if my HP gave me this what does it really mean etc......what was I thinking about my choices before today and this news..... etc....not easy, no quick answers, but they will come to me as part of it already has tonight.

Strangely enough I produced some good work tonight. I was focused too.

I hope I end up dealing with this the right way beginning with what is in my best interest however selfish that might sound. Good honourable and all that too.

Maybe that is what my HP wanted me to see..... That I have been working on bettering msyelf and that is where I need to stay right now regardless of the curves thrown in my path.

Right now I am ok and feeling calm.
Nothing like something surprising to help in decision making .
But this is tough.

greenmeadow

.

kckman

green Iam glad you are feeling better and have been productive. no matter what you got to take care of your self. good luck

CAPTAINZING2000

Hey!!!!!

We Have Saying In Aa You're Right Where You're Supposed 2 B. Nothing Changes Unless Something Changes, Easy Does It Just Do It. You Ever Say The Serenity Prayer? Sometime Early In My Recovery It's All I Had To Get Me Thru The Day.
Lol I Sometimes Which I Had Something To Whine About. I Come Int O Aa Sites To B Reminded Of What Is Was Like For Me In The Beginning. I Now Know, I Have To Accept Every Situation That I Have No Control Over. You Have Todecide What You Can Control And What You Can't Pray For The Wisdom To Learn The Difference

Gr8ful1

Green,

Relax, Meditate, Say the Serentity Prayer and Remember:

- God only puts people in your life that are SUPPOSSED to be there at every given point in the day.

- God will always give us more than we can handle so that we ASK HIM for help.

(aka: talking to your sponsor, going to a meeting and sharing, posting on this board like you did - Great Job)

"the answers will come...."
Sean M.

greenmeadow

Thankx kckman.....

xyz i found out created havoc and disasters in many peoples lives. someone wrote in another part here about the alcoholic like a tornado and coming up and saying oh gee the wind stopped (something like that)...xyz was a recovered a when our paths crossed but still managed to create tornados for years for many.... some i don't know personally but heard the fallout..... boggles the mind.

am keeping ok.

G.

CAPTAINZING2000

Alcoholics Are Like Stones Tossed In A Pond The Ripple Affects Everyone Around Us

greenmeadow

how to explain how I feel?

I read the responses last night and knew that being able to express myself here was a good thing. After posting I went off and worked with focus as I said and felt calm too. When I came back something Sean said really struck a chord in me. The comment about people and things coming into our lives had a purpose.

I went off and did some tidying up around here and thought about that. Not in any intense way but simply while I was clearing the kitchen counter, running some laundry and so on, letting that thought drift through my head. (as a creative person I knew that mindless type tasks can free up the mind and aid in problem solving at least that has been my experience)

Again it was like a light bulb going off in my head and perhaps God was working a little miracle in me. I thought that a lot of my panic, anxiety, insecurity that i have felt the last years because of very real outside events in my life that affected my life profoundly had become sadly a way of life for me. This despite the fact that so much of what I rebuilt slowly was actually coming along well even with obstacles that now and then came my way and i had to surmount them...well even though some were hard I did conquer most. Then I thought well xyz had a lot to do with the beginnings of all those panic anxiety insecure feelings and was I going to allow them to keep me in this mode of dealing with things forever? Again I thought so why was xyz entering my world now even in a peripheral way?

I thought perhaps it was to show me that I was strong that I didn't have to react in a panic because here I was feeling calm and with direction that evening at that point. I didn't know where this calm approach was now coming from. I went to bed, said a long prayer and surprised myself by waking up today after a long sound sleep.

I felt good.

I hadn't done anything rash. I hadn't sat and worried all night. In fact I woke up to a nice tidy place that gave me smiles as I went about my morning. Someone called and I was surprised to hear my voice of its own accord sound cheery and smiley and hey I was not doing this on purpose. In the past I would have expressed turmoiled thoughts to the person who called.

This feeling of calm and feeling good has stayed with me all day. Is God at work here? A HP? I believe so.

Looks like I am ready to face the ups and downs coming my way after all.
Most wondrous strange.

So here I am living in this moment, feeling good with plans for later today.

Thank you Sean and all the rest of you for being here.

greenmeadow (who doesn't have all the answers for how she feels but welcomes it most happily)