Hi all! New Girl!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 2
Hi all! New Girl!
Hi there! I'm glad I found this board. I've looked a few times for online boards that deal with alcoholism and most were outdated. I guess I'm reaching the end of my tolerance of my dh's alcoholism and I just don't know where to turn. I've wanted to go to alanon meetings but, he has such a horrible fight about it...I hope to find support and wisdom here.
A little about me and my situation...my dh and I have been married a little over two years but, have been together for 8 years. We have three children and he is an alcoholic. It has been a fight for years and I'm growing weary and getting tired of fighting this battle. He quits for quite some time and then it just seems to sneak back up there. I let it go for many years but, when I became pregnant with our now 14 month old baby, he started drinking very heavily and blamed it on being stressed out about money. He then started coming home very drunk on payday and being violent...trashing the house, breaking anything that had meaning to me. He never hit me but, he has refused to let me out of rooms while he screams, throws things at me, and calls me horrible names...all the while, our older two children are screaming and begging him to let me go from the other side of the door. He did this when the baby was two weeks old and I kicked him out. He begged for a week to come home, started AA, promised to never drink again. I let him come home under conditions.
Things are falling apart again. He came home drunk from work a few weeks ago and I broke down crying, and pleaded with him to not ruin our marriage like this. I feel I have no choice but to follow through with my threats...if I don't what does that say?? I know what it says. It says,"YOu can walk on me and do whatever you want and I'll say,'Thank you, can I have some more?" I don't want this kind of life for me or my children. I hate him for making me feel uncertain about my future. I hate that I sleep on the couch on those nights and play over and over in my mind how I'll manage when I make him leave.
So, yesterday evening, my mother came to sit with the kids while I went and got my hair permed...a Christmas present from her. She was to be here until dh got off work. All I know is that when I got home, he was drunk. When I called my mom this morning she said that he smelled like beer and even our daughter told him that when he gave her a kiss. When i crawled into bed last night, he called me a "spoiled B"...which is what I'm always called when he's drunk. I grabbed my pillows and headed to my couch. When I went to get some tea. I found a bottle of vodka, half full.
What do I do? I can't make him stop. I can threaten, like always, "you drink again, you sign divorce papers." He'll stop for a bit and then it's all over again. Am I unreasonable to think he shouldn't have relapses?? AM I being selfish? I don't think so, personally. He's not the typre of alcoholic that drinks daily...usually. He SAYS that he doesn;t have withdraws and that he really doesn't crave it. Yet, as soon as something stressful happens, he's hitting the bottle.
I don't want my precious daughter to end up like this and I don't want my boys to think this behavior is acceptable and end up like their father. Even though, my oldest son HATES alcohol and gets mad anytime he sees someone drink...I'm sure he associates it with the horrible things he's seen his father do while drunk.
Okay, so I vented and cried and poured it all out. I kind of needed to. I hope I can find the strength to do, whatever it is that I need to do, here. It would be so nice to have people who understand what I'm living with. My support system I have now really doesn't understand.
Here's to my learning process! LOL
A little about me and my situation...my dh and I have been married a little over two years but, have been together for 8 years. We have three children and he is an alcoholic. It has been a fight for years and I'm growing weary and getting tired of fighting this battle. He quits for quite some time and then it just seems to sneak back up there. I let it go for many years but, when I became pregnant with our now 14 month old baby, he started drinking very heavily and blamed it on being stressed out about money. He then started coming home very drunk on payday and being violent...trashing the house, breaking anything that had meaning to me. He never hit me but, he has refused to let me out of rooms while he screams, throws things at me, and calls me horrible names...all the while, our older two children are screaming and begging him to let me go from the other side of the door. He did this when the baby was two weeks old and I kicked him out. He begged for a week to come home, started AA, promised to never drink again. I let him come home under conditions.
Things are falling apart again. He came home drunk from work a few weeks ago and I broke down crying, and pleaded with him to not ruin our marriage like this. I feel I have no choice but to follow through with my threats...if I don't what does that say?? I know what it says. It says,"YOu can walk on me and do whatever you want and I'll say,'Thank you, can I have some more?" I don't want this kind of life for me or my children. I hate him for making me feel uncertain about my future. I hate that I sleep on the couch on those nights and play over and over in my mind how I'll manage when I make him leave.
So, yesterday evening, my mother came to sit with the kids while I went and got my hair permed...a Christmas present from her. She was to be here until dh got off work. All I know is that when I got home, he was drunk. When I called my mom this morning she said that he smelled like beer and even our daughter told him that when he gave her a kiss. When i crawled into bed last night, he called me a "spoiled B"...which is what I'm always called when he's drunk. I grabbed my pillows and headed to my couch. When I went to get some tea. I found a bottle of vodka, half full.
What do I do? I can't make him stop. I can threaten, like always, "you drink again, you sign divorce papers." He'll stop for a bit and then it's all over again. Am I unreasonable to think he shouldn't have relapses?? AM I being selfish? I don't think so, personally. He's not the typre of alcoholic that drinks daily...usually. He SAYS that he doesn;t have withdraws and that he really doesn't crave it. Yet, as soon as something stressful happens, he's hitting the bottle.
I don't want my precious daughter to end up like this and I don't want my boys to think this behavior is acceptable and end up like their father. Even though, my oldest son HATES alcohol and gets mad anytime he sees someone drink...I'm sure he associates it with the horrible things he's seen his father do while drunk.
Okay, so I vented and cried and poured it all out. I kind of needed to. I hope I can find the strength to do, whatever it is that I need to do, here. It would be so nice to have people who understand what I'm living with. My support system I have now really doesn't understand.
Here's to my learning process! LOL
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi and welcome!
Please visit our friends and family forum. You'll find a great deal of support. He's never going to get it until he's ready and willing, and any attempts on you part to do so will more than likely be futile. You children already have formed their own perception, and allow them to talk to you about how they feel. No need to make excuses for Daddy, just listen to them. Please keep coming back, and I hope you can get to that meeting eventually.
Please visit our friends and family forum. You'll find a great deal of support. He's never going to get it until he's ready and willing, and any attempts on you part to do so will more than likely be futile. You children already have formed their own perception, and allow them to talk to you about how they feel. No need to make excuses for Daddy, just listen to them. Please keep coming back, and I hope you can get to that meeting eventually.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Beaver, WA
Posts: 1,346
(((((((((Ashelly))))))))
Welcome Aboard Sober Recovery. Thanks for the reminder of what I in active drinking had done all to often. I can certainly relate to your husband and hope you find many here at SR who can relate to you.
Best wishes and thoughts combined with prayers for you and yours,
3 Legacy
Welcome Aboard Sober Recovery. Thanks for the reminder of what I in active drinking had done all to often. I can certainly relate to your husband and hope you find many here at SR who can relate to you.
Best wishes and thoughts combined with prayers for you and yours,
3 Legacy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by ashelly
I feel I have no choice but to follow through with my threats...if I don't what does that say?? I know what it says. It says,"YOu can walk on me and do whatever you want and I'll say,'Thank you, can I have some more?"
I agree with you yet this is so hard to do. May I suggest making a contract with him? I know that sounds juvenile, but I've heard it can be very effective - the only thing is you do have to follow through with it. It is extremely important to follow through and do what you say you're going to do. Otherwise, like you said, he'll know that he can get away with anything and you'll just keep taking him back and enabling him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Indianapolis, IN
Posts: 2
Thanks all for the warm welcome. It really helps to hear from people in my situation and even in his. You know, part of me feels like walking away but, part of me feels like I'm not being a good wife by wanting to walk away...even he has said that I help him stay sober. It's just very draining when he lapses.
He called home an hour ago and we had a long talk. I laid it on him and told him that I felt like he was pushing me to leave...he knows what the consiquences are yet, he still takes, what I feel, risks with our marriage. He appologized and promised to keep trying. It's just upsetting, emotionally draining...when he's drunk, and sometimes for a few days after he's sobered up, I am so mad that I don't even want to be around him. I hate that...he's my husband and I shouldn't feel that way about him. I guess I worry that to many times of feeling like that...I don't even want to say it. I love him and want our marriage to work, I want him to have a good, sober life...but, everyone around me is telling me to stop thinking of him and worry about me and my children. He is a very good father and wonderful husband when he's sober...when drunk, he's Jykle.
You know, he says really mean things when he's drunk...mostly he accuses me of being spoiled, perfect...I always wonder if he really feels that way about me but, can only say it when he's drunk. When I ask him, he says,"If you're spoiled, it's my fault." So, I don't get a straight answer. So, those of you who are recovering, have you said things when under the influence that hold some truth...things you won't say to people when you're straight?
He called home an hour ago and we had a long talk. I laid it on him and told him that I felt like he was pushing me to leave...he knows what the consiquences are yet, he still takes, what I feel, risks with our marriage. He appologized and promised to keep trying. It's just upsetting, emotionally draining...when he's drunk, and sometimes for a few days after he's sobered up, I am so mad that I don't even want to be around him. I hate that...he's my husband and I shouldn't feel that way about him. I guess I worry that to many times of feeling like that...I don't even want to say it. I love him and want our marriage to work, I want him to have a good, sober life...but, everyone around me is telling me to stop thinking of him and worry about me and my children. He is a very good father and wonderful husband when he's sober...when drunk, he's Jykle.
You know, he says really mean things when he's drunk...mostly he accuses me of being spoiled, perfect...I always wonder if he really feels that way about me but, can only say it when he's drunk. When I ask him, he says,"If you're spoiled, it's my fault." So, I don't get a straight answer. So, those of you who are recovering, have you said things when under the influence that hold some truth...things you won't say to people when you're straight?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Our house.
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by ashelly
So, those of you who are recovering, have you said things when under the influence that hold some truth...things you won't say to people when you're straight?
A warm welcome to the forum.
For me the answer to this question is a little complex. When i was using i would say mean things to my partner. Sometimes those were things that i might think but not say when sober. Other times, i was just being plain mean and digging the knife into an area that i knew would hurt him. But invariably, sober or drunk, i didnt know what the truth was because my world was distorted by my addiction. By turning things around and blaming my partner and the world at large i was able to some extent justify my addiction.
Only by maintaining recovery over time has some perspective and sanity started to return. I hope this makes some sense as i dont think i have articulated it well.
Hoping that you find some of the support that you need here.
Best wishes,
Evanna.
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