I've finally accepted it.
 

I'm an alcoholic.
I knew I was years ago. Around 1992 to be exact. It's just taken this long for my stubborn and proud self to come to terms with it.
I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She put me through hell as a kid. Hiding bottles in the laundry basket. Picking me up from school barely able to drive the car and reeking of booze. Showing up wasted at boy scouts and making a fool of herself. Overdosing and forcing me to pry pills out of her hand and call 911. (A little background for you!)
I started drinking in High School. 6 pack on the weekends. Getting drunk with friends. Good times. I was a good student and pulled good grades. Partied too much my first year in college and got kicked out for bad grades. (1st red flag around 1990).
Joined the Navy in 1992 after working crap jobs. In the service I went off the deep end. Drank all the time. Everyone else did too.
Got out in 1996 and moved in with my girlfriend, now wife. Ever since then I have been a HIGHLY functional drunk.
Went back to school, got my degree and I've now got a good job and a nice home.
First child (a beautiful baby girl) was born and is now 17 months. I've got another due in May. My wife knows I drink but I don't think she knows the extent of it. The last five years or so I've been hiding bottles in the garage. Refilling the 12 pack in the fridge to make it look like I haven't bought more. (Shades of my mother).
The other weekend I drank a ton of beer, and whiskey through the day. I was working on projects out in the garage all day. By the end of the day around dinner I realized I had never really got drunk. I just felt tired and vaugely ill. I put down a pint of whiskey, and probably 6 to 8 beers over the course of the late morning and afternoon. I drive under the influence regularly. I feel like hell at work every other morning. I'm throwing money out the window.

I've got to stop. My wife and kids deserve better and I don't want to destroy my life like my mother has. I don't feel good. I'm dizzy and get headaches. I'm afraid I may have done permanent damage to my body already.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do but just typing this makes me feel better already. I've got a very public job and I'm afraid admitting my problem openly could cause serious repercussions. Not to mention the humiliation.

I've tried to quit a few times. I've gone for a week or 1 1/2 weeks then I'm back in the fog.

I've been sober since Monday.

Hi Tuco, and welcome.
I could have written your post.
Different details, perhaps. But the core would have been the same.
I gradually lost the ability to manage my life because I abused alcohol.
You mention your fear of humiliation in admitting you need help. I understand that. I spent years behind a wall of self imposed shame.
I'm sure you've asked yourself this question...
How humiliating would it be to get a DUI, injure or kill someone, lose your job, lose the respect of your family, or end up on a park bench with no bladder control?
Those are all options that are available to us. I'm also certain you know there are many others, just as unsavory.
When you say you feel better just typing your post out, that's the magic of finally starting to break down the denial.
Glad you made it here. Let's stay sober one more day.

Congratulations Tuco,

I'm glad you made your decision to live a sober life and that you've joined us. You'll find lots of support and encouragement here.

Anna

Hi Tuco
Welcome! It can only get worse I'm afraid. It's natural to think that admitting this disease (ie going to AA meetings) will have bad repurcussions for you. It won't. Anyone you meet there will only be in precisely the same position you're in. No one will judge you.

I can't tell you how therapeutic it is for me to go to meetings and listen to the horrifying stories that I know could and can be me...but for the grace of God.

You must know that it can only and will only get worse if you don't get help. COming here is an excellent first step.

If you are embarrassed why not ring AA, explain (you only give your first name) and ask for a meeting in a nearby town? I know some people who started like that and once they understood how it worked had absolutely no problem starting to go in their own small communities.

You would be amazed at the diversity of people in AA..you will meet people very similar to yourself. You will also meet people whom you might think are the furthest thing away from you that's posisble. Reality is that everyone will be there for the same reason - to help and support one another to give up alcohol and to live a better, more spiritual and purposeful and giving life at the same time.

Can't go wrong there?!

Good luck and keep posting.
Cathy31
x

Hi Tuco, I'm glad you're here.

A couple of random thoughts...

On the subject of shame and embarassement, I felt like you, but now I realize that while I had PLENTY to be ashamed of and embarassed about while I was drinking, there is absolutely NO shame in trying to get better.

That I was a slobbering, staggering, falling down, passing out in the yard by 4PM daily drunk is embarassing.

That I am an alcoholic in recovery, busting my butt to get better and to remember to try to do the next right thing daily, brings me no shame what-so-ever. I wouldn't be ashamed to be recovering from cancer, stroke, a heart attack, or any other disease, and that is what alcoholism is...a disease. We are not bad people trying to be good, we are ill people trying to get better. We have what doctors describe as a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured, and there is nothing wrong with working to arrest it.

When I was in rehab, staying in the centers halfway house while in their IOP (intensive outpatient) program, my 6 apartment mates consisted of one of the best surgeons in the southeast, an internist that is one of the finest, most caring doctors I have ever met, a real estate developer dealing in multi-million dollar developments, a guy that OWNS an airline, a stockbroker, and me, a dumb hillbilly redneck from the mountains of north Georgia (I was put with them to make them humble I think...LOL).

The point is this disease is not exclusive to skidrow bums...it cuts across all socio-economic lines and is not something to make one feel less than they are. My attitude on those who DO look down on me as a recovering alcoholic is that THEY are the one with the ongoing problem and they can kiss my butt.

Hang in there guy...it DOES get better...and better and better.

BubbaBob

remember AA is always the best decision when you want to quit drinking!!! it changed my life and i have only been in it for a little over a month. but remember its called Acoholics anonymous so i wouldn't put too much thought into being humiliated. without AA and my sponsor i wouldn't be able to stay sober... that program has helped sooo many people and trust me it can help you. along with this website is also a great thing!! the people on here care so much but you should get in a program it will increase you chances of staying sober!!! step into the light :)


Heidi

Welcome Tuco! :wave:

Go to some A.A. meetings and keep that connection. You won't regret it.

Keep us posted!

ChrisMan

(((((((((TUCO))))))))))) :wave:
Welcome to Sober Recovery. Feel free to PM me if you're interested in A.A.'s Solution. It is but one of many alternatives which folks here in SR choose. It's worked for me when others have failed. Glad you've decided to seek some HELP. It is available but it takes effort to find sometimes. Glad your making the initial efforts needed to get it.

Kiss Heart of Spirit In Love & Service,
3 Legacy
:tri

Welcome Tuco,
I'm glad you found us I hope your path to sobriety is one filled with love and support, you will certainly find it here.
hugs indigo