Now!

Hey gang,
I'm 36 and have been drinking all my life. I never drank enough for anyone but myself to realize it was handicapping me. I've never had a DUI (not that I shouldn't have). I've never let alchohol hamper my financial situation in any way. In many social settings alchohol has even served me well. On the surface, you could say that my experience with alcholhol has been mostly positive.

But it's time to pay the piper. I have to learn to socialize all over again without booze. What a treat! I know I'll miss the "freedom" alchohol has always given me to let loose and be the man I want to be. I hope you guys can give me some hope and encouragement that someday I'll be able to enjoy being that fun, caring, witty and charming person that alchohol has allowed me to tap into all these years.

I always saw partying as my opportunity to be me. Everything that happened in between partying episodes were just events leading up to that wonderful opportunity to let loose and enjoy life. I even learned to keep it down to about once or twice a week so that I wouldn't get tired or bored of it-- so that I could savor it. But now I realize partying was the only time I could really be comfortable in my own skin. I sure hope I can drop the crutch and feel good about life and myself all the time. That is my goal-- starting today.

giveitatry

I'm 26 and in the exact same situation. No one in my life has ever known how much I really do drink. This is the first time being honest with myself and those around me and everyone I've told is shocked! Alcoholism is such a sneaky animal because it gradually steals your freedom and before you know it, you can't imagine your life without it, you know? It's like you feel like the best of you can only be found at the bottom of some bottle and that can't be true! I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice because I'm grappling with the same issue, but I just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone. We'll figure it out!

delaney26

Hi, I can totally relate... to both of you. I am 25 years old and I have been drinking for about 10 years. This past year I have drank/blacked out more than I could ever remember. It started with a couple of wine coolers at a party with older friends and I am sitting here today experiencing physical symptoms of drinking or maybe it's withdrawal. I've never had a DUI but I have been in a car accident and didn't even remember it happening or whose fault it was. I have driven drunk so many times, I have no idea why I've never gotten one. All it does is enable me to keep drinking and not caring.

I really don't know how to socialize without alcohol anymore and it IS a sneaky drug and a progressive addiction. I am a "party girl" who has it together, overall, and nobody really would think I have a problem but they don't know that sometimes I need a couple drinks just to make my phone conversations more fun, to be more talkative, so people don't think I'm boring and quiet. Somehow I am more witty, more outgoing, more daring, and feel a zest for life when I am buzzed. Therefore, I basically continually want to be buzzed and drunk.

One thing I can tell you so far I have learned from being on this board I have not read a single person who said life wasn't more FUN and they were more content and happy than ever being sober. I honestly, do not know if I believe it, and that it is possible for me, but I am hopeful. Scared, but hopeful.

giveitatry

Hopeful is good. I'm just trying to remember that alcohol is not some magic personality tonic. My focus will be on finding what it takes naturally to unlock what a fabulous diva that I know I am...lol..but seriously, this disease really takes the best and brightest of us. Does anyone out there think that there's some sort of link between addiction and intelligence? All of the smartest and most talented people I know seem to be addicts or recovering addicts.

Chy

Welcome to the newcomers!

Hopeful is definitly good, I was scared of sobriety, truly feared it. It's a slow process finding ourselves again. But once there, it's really a new found blessing. I don't know if there is a "link" to intelligence and addiction, I'd simply say alcoholism attacks all walks of life. We're glad your here, there is a lot of support to be had, and find support in your area as well, most can't do it alone.

junem

I think it takes intelligence to realize you have a problem and embrace the idea that with hard work and personal change we can make it better.

delaney26

I'm intelligent but I feel that alcohol has turned me into someone who's often spacy and someone who says the stupidest things. It makes me have no memory and someday I hope to regain who I was before alcohol.

Edited to add: I'm witty when buzzed, but downright stupid when drunk. And I do not know how to not cross that line.

Now!

Delaney,
Count your blessings. At least you have people to tell you how stupid and drunk you were at the party or the restaurant or whatever. I rarely get stupid on alchohol and often know when to cool out for the drive home. That's what's kept me on the stuff for so long. I'm feeling excited rather than scared about my new adventure. How often does someone get a brand new life without doing anything except walking out the front door? I look forward to sharing my experiences and would love to hear your's and others' as we try on our new skin.

mikee

I was witty too when buzzed, but not witty enough to pass a Texas state trooper field sobriety test (dui ) it ain't worth it

Time2Surrender

Now,giveitatry.I see you are both new to this site,so I wanted to welcome you.SoberRecovery is a great place and you can find a lot of support and some answers here too.There was a time when I too couldnt imagine life without alcohol.I thought alcohol gave me power.It allowed me to be the man I thought I wanted to be,and kept me from being the man I could have been for many years.What works for me is AA.In AA I met other people just like me.They taught me how to enjoy life sober,without alcohol.If I can do it,anyone can.

saac

Now, I thought the same thing about drinking. I was funnier and more outgoing. Now I am 32 years old and all drinking does now is make me mad and mouthy to my loved ones. It seems I get drunker alot quicker now then before. I tend to drink a can of beer in no time at all. I would drink to do house work take care of the kids it gave me energy. Now when I drink I don't do any of that stuff. I tend to smoke alot of cigs and talk on the phone with other friends who tend to drink alot. Yell at the kids alot for wanting things when I am on the phone. I have not taken a drink in 11 days and I am going to meetings. I feel so much better. Before I could not go places because I would start drinking about 1 in the afternoon until night. So I was bound to the house because I could not drive due to so much drinking. On drinking days I would wake up and the first thing that would come to mind would be I can't wait till 1 and would have to make myself not drink untilt then. This went on about 2 or 3 years maybe even more. I had major blackouts. I would talk to people on the phone and would not remeber and they would ask me questions and I had no idea I even talked to them. I did not want to go anywhere I just wanted to stay home and drink. I feel so free now and it is strange. I really need to find more things to do with my time. I work but alot of my work is out of my house. I do travel quite a bit but I am done and the rest of the work is at the house. This is a awful dieases and it only gets worse. Good luck to you on your new journey. Enjoy all the new feelings you will get and the sun seems to be brighter and the air feels so good. Keep posting this site is the best

Now!

Saac,
Holy crap! I can't imagine how you must feel after dumping that awful lifestyle. With all this new found time, have you thought of joining a gym? I'm sure you'll be laying off the cigarettes a bit now that the beer is out of the picture. The smokes just don't taste that good without a beer to wash them down.

jlo34

Hi everyone.

DUI's are not a requirement for being alcoholic (or problem drinkers). I did not have a single DUI charge, but I did get pulled over 23 times in less than 2 years, all of which I should have been arrested for DUI. Willingness is what you need. The willingness to change. Saac, sounds like you're making a great start, going to meetings and finding things to occupy your time. Yesterday, on the way to the meeting, I noticed how beautiful the snow and ice on the trees looked (wouldn't have noticed that when I was drinking or the cardinal I saw a few miles later). Life sober is much better. There's only one thing you need to change - everything. Friends was easy for me, I drank all mine up. I didn't have to worry about being "charming or witty". No one wanted to hang out with me when I was drunk. Now, several years later, I have tons of AA friends and non-drinking friends. I don't have to worry about how I act, they love me and accept me for who I am. One of many blessings AA has bestowed upon me. Keep coming back, you won't believe how wonderful life is sober, until you experience it for yourself!!!!!

Now!

jlo34,
You got me thinking. I really wasn't trying to be charming or witty to impress others or make meaningful friendships. I just wanted to impress myself with how well I could engage others in a party situation. I like myself better when I drink. I'm always the life of the party and the center of attention when I'm drinking. What a selfish activity. I've put innocent people at risk several times so I could drive home from a long night of psychological masturbation.

2dayzmuse

I always thought the same thing. That was my alcohol warped perception of things. Who really knows what people really thought. I'm sure drunk irritation crossed many minds. I just spend my first Christmas sober. The same gang I was around drunk, I was around sober. I was able to interact and mingle better then I would had if drinking. Alcohol tricks us into thinking were funny and out going when in reality, that isn't always the case. My eyes are wide open now and my accessment of a situation is more accurate. Alcohol doesn't make the person. It impairs one judgement and thought process. Your much better off sober.

XpartyGirl

WOW....that is me all the way. Get drunk,,, black out...make phone calls and not get anything done. Neglect the kids by putting on moviees or snapping on them for bugging me while I talked all night on the phone with whoever I could find to call. Wouldnt leave the house after I drank unless some one picked me up because for some reason...even in a black out I wouldnt drive.

I havent drank in almost a week...BUT last week (my last night of drinking...) I got drunk on the night of my work x-mas party at home. I had no intention on leaving and going to the party until a partying co worker called and said she was coming to get me....I threw on some half as*ed outfit and went the the work party....TOTALLY messed up. UGH! I can honestly say that I can only remember seeing a few faces at the party and the rest was a complete blackout. Thanks to all my so called friends who I work with I was reminded for days about what I did and said. I was told that I did like four shots of tequila and a few jeiger bombs...(I dont remember even drinking there at all) I didnt make it home until 6 a.m. I remember bits and pieces of the night. I guess I caused some trouble.
the next morning I woke up in a hotel room with about 6 people from work. I went home and cried and decided that I couldnt go on like that anymore.

Im here now and I feel better. Its not easy but its better than feeling like total garbage every day!

jlo34

Now,

I think I started drinking with the intention of getting attention. However, after I quickly discovered what alcohol could do for me, I quit caring what others thought. I too, thought I was a better person drunk, I drove better drunk, I was a better student drunk, I was a better worker drunk. Basically, as long as I was drunk, I was happy. Problem, I drank until I passed out or there was none left. Not too conducive for any of the above activities. I liked me better drunk also, because I was numb and didn't feel anything other than what I chose to feel - that made me feel more powerful (if that makes sense). I did not drink because JD tasted so good, I drank for one reason - to get drunk, to not feel. I didn't care who I took down in my way. I knew driving while intoxicated was wrong, didn't stop me, the day after I got my driver's license, that's what I was doing. I did not care or value my life, others lives - slightly, but not enough to not drink and drive or to have them as passengers in my vehicle while I drove them drunk. The few friends I had when I was drinking did an intervention on me and bluntly said either you change or we're done. We see where you are going and we're not going with you. One of the smartest things they could have done. Didn't matter, didn't need them...

My life is NOTHING like that now. I have true genuine friends that have stuck it out with me over and over again. I can call my true friends anytime day or night and they will answer and talk with me. My friends stand next to me. My friends are also members of AA. AA has changed my life. First I had to admit I was an alcoholic and BELIEVE it in my heart. Then I had to admit my life was unmanageable. The rest is history, my life is good today. I don't have to worry about what I say or do or whether a cop's behind me. I do the best I can every day to be the best person I can be every day. Like I said, I can tell you how it is now verses then, but until you get a spark of what I live, you won't understand. Try it out, you just might like the "new" you!!!

Sean

I drank everyday and partied every night until my early thirties. It was terrible to let go...I thought my life would end. I recently had a relapse. As miserable as I thought I would be living a sober life back then is as miserable as I can imagine when I have a relapse. I had a relapse recently over the holidays and I felt like I was in living hell...as far from happiness and inner peace one could be. If you would have told me three years ago I would being saying things like I'm saying now....I would have NEVER believed it..that was as far from the way I could picture reality as anyone could ever imagine. Well, through inner patience, an acceptance of myself, taking one minute at a time (literally), and giving AA an actual chance...my life gradually changed. Slowly, I began to pay my debts on time, I began to have an inner peace and anxiety attacks left my life, I actually, slowly, through time, began to enjoy being home on a Saturday night and before I knew it, I wasn't even thinking about drinking (as much). I began to wake up earlier in the morning. I ate breakfast without getting sick. I watched the morning news. I discovered I was living a life that wasn't hungover. It took time, patience, and attending meetings. Things very slowly changed for me. It took the first year before I realized that my body had begun to readjust to what a "normal" body was supposed to be and feel like. I began to do things like go to the dentist every 6 months, realized after three or so years that my credit had almost completely healed itself by me just trucking along and doing things right. It's gotten to the point, now (I'm 36) that I have difficulty believeing the way I used to be (but, I accept it, and I haven't forgotten). If it could happen for me...It can happen for anyone...and I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart. I was in a despair that I just knew was going to be with me until the day I died...there was no way out for me. But, I began to see the light when I walked into AA meetings. At first I thought AA was for losers and people "not like me..." But, then, I accepted me...listened, and am still on one of the greatest journeys of my life. Oh I've fallen...I recently fell. But, I just get back up, accept I'm human, and carry on...good luck and godspeed...believe in yourself and never be ashamed are principles that have worked for me...