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Spin Cycle

Old 12-26-2004, 12:38 AM
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Spin Cycle



Ive chosen to begin a new thread as you can see. i still dont spell perfectly.... i need a thread i can post more deliberate issues to. i am a few days from begining therapy with a psycotherapist.. here i will post from what i gather as i go along through the process of finding out who the hell i am have been and what the hell ive been doing. so this thread may drop back for a few weeks with me just posting what i know as i know it, but it will be a regular place for me when the Spin Cycle is up to speed....



Yours daily
[JDG]Jester

P.S. you can post here anytime you like even now ":}
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Old 12-26-2004, 12:45 AM
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Cool Jester,I look forward to reading your posts.
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Old 12-26-2004, 06:45 AM
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Way to go, Jester. Keep us posted.

ChrisMan
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Old 12-26-2004, 06:50 AM
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Spin cycle is a good cycle with out it we are just soggy. I am spinnin goin with the flow. Today I be spinnin through the dryn out drunk cycle. Good luck M.Jester.
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Old 12-26-2004, 07:00 AM
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Hey Jester!

I'm looking forward to reading your posts too.

Thank you for doing it.

Richard
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Old 12-30-2004, 11:46 PM
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my therapy has started as of, Dec 28,04

hey all..... on my way home from work tonite i figured something out.

i am selfserving and selfish....yup....lemme make a statement in support of that...."honey, why is the house a mess every day"? i deserve better than this for how hard i work and what that provides for us as a family!!."

answer:

"why yes honey you do, alot of what we are greatfull to you for comes from what you do for us" .... "yet you consume your spendable income on alcohol or god only knows what,.... and each week i am left with what i can keep for bills and groceries, which never is enough."

you see for my awareness to enlighten me i had to start there. what is lacking that might explain the way my home is. i just thought of what you do to get the things you need..... and thats when i discovered my self involved selfserving disgusting self.
kinda suks when youre in trouble and youre the cause, but youve been beating sombody or everyone else for that.

i have been to demanding on the Mrs who has been trying to tell me all aolng that the source is somewhere inside me for why you are not as far along as you think we should be.... it starts as you providing for us and then turns into we are holding you down. ouch.....

at work today i was a complete jerk. though i did alot of work i was not there as a team person. i was there as a individual who is in distress and needs re-assurance that he is ok. that work appreiciates him.. ouch...

when i left work today i was expecting my boss to have allready called to say dude just stay home... i half expect that to be the talk we have in the next days coming. the people i work for i consider family, i act like a ingrate in relation to that. as if i need to stand out in a group of very capeable people who would never do that to eachother. after they have allready recognised me as someone past what they consider a person that works for them..way past that......


i kept my conversations short, tryed to avoid dirrect contact with anyones eyes and that. big mistake. that made my boss suspiscious as hell of me. he was looking at me like i was about to be given a lable that would describe a very nasty thing to him. i wanted to dissiapear into thin air at that second.im glad it was only for a few hours that this weird exchange lasted but i fear the damage has allready been done. i will be to work early and in good spirits tomolly, New Years Eave. and try to look him in the eye each and every time we talk...... a good thing about the company is we are a zero tolerance group and testing can be the sole reason for your dissmissal.
so if they go that far with it i will be ok. ODAT baby ... 67 days sober....i feel like im going nuts in reality, and now thats the feeling i have come to recognise as the sign i was asking for to let me know that i was doing the right thing, when i could not trust myself to be honest in answering.



kinda simple and dorky way to put so serious of a point onto. and yet it does not need to be complicated to be true... this is only a part of my self awareness that has started to show me a "something" it likes to call David.

i like to think i can hide just a little bit longer from everyone just till I like and know myself. for the first time in my life.

seeing my boss look at me like he did today was fearfull to me. i know that i am changeing, dont know what will come exactly im sure its gonna be better than who i am today though. he may understand what is surfacing in me i dont yet have a way to chiddle, below the surface of my projected self image. he might give it some thought he may not... i have only one way i can answer his inquest into my attitude and behaviour these past weeks. and that is to say i have to grow now, i have to see past my own fked up past to the time when i can live in just this moment. this moment when it will be at work the one where he will be looking for the truth without asking me for it. all that i am today from where i was is enough for me to take home every night and see what i have or will be adding to the bigger picture of myself.


the Mrs is the one i worry about the most now.... she is very much thinking to see the same therapist i see. i dont blame her or tell her that i just look like the bad guy when you do shiot like thaat. i encourage her to go.


**** that was a burning desire for me to say*****

now about therapy.
i was saying to my thera...p who was sitting in the lobby waiting for me on our first app...[she locked herself out of her office] i am in crisis, and its a relief to meet someone who makes mistakes like me....




this happened today...... it started the first of the week as lag from the holidays....it never subsided. tuesday this week i went to see my therapist for the first time. i see myself in serious trouble across the board at home and at work.... i asked my therapist to help me do the work so that i may see the real me for what may turn out to be the first time in my life
i feel...
i am a distraction to people that do not have the time to allow distractions to become stationary. i have a serious problem with my thoughts when they pertain to the Mrs, and i need to estabilish a vocabulary with which i can articulate my perspective internally of who and what and why i am, verbally to people i have chosen to trust.

the termoil at work right now has risen from me not confronting my bosses accuseatory looks at me ... yet he has found the guilt below the surface in me. it is like a blank check to someone that is controlling of people to be aware of that... tomolly i will have to reverse his position of me from even tougher convictions on his part that his concern is well founded over me....with reguards to what may come of me if im left alone after behaving so oddly in so simple of an exchange verbally.

and people ..... of what im speaking, he and i were merely trying to communicate with eachother verbally about what im to do today and for the next couple days reguarding work...a few personal questions bout crhistmas...ect..
my behaviour was that of needing to flee at any cost , from his looking at me. my nerves were a wreck, and he would watch me work..i was terrified he was gonna point out serious flaws in my work and that i would be humilliated at having to redo some very simple work. for what we do there is no understanding the skipping of steps that cause wasted time effort and materials. it is a dirrect slam on your ability at that moment.

for someone like me those hits hurt for a while. im sure it is that way for all of us...... so ive drawn the babysit card from my bosses hand. i have acted in away that he now is looking for just the right judgement to apply to me, that will suit whatever intentions he feels compelled to consider
as an option in dealing with a "situation that has come to his attention". that is nothing more than ..... **** it ..... im in an emotional state where there is very little skin between me and the outside world

being sober has me feeling my life in 360 degrees,, i cant forget the yesterdays anymore. so i dont want any tomollys with new pain in them for me ... i have alot of work to do in therapy and NA and here at home just in setting right the love for the people closest to me ... finding myself through this process is a goal thats just hanging out there till i can work on it .....so i have a ways to go before i can have some barriers that will hold .... and until then i will just try to stay to what is mine and leave everyone else to handle their own..

funny i had such a good outlook for having started therapy that its ironic id find myself in hot watter at work. the one place where its all about what you know....to get along...

so howd you stay sober for so long? well i quit drinking for a week then two then at 65 days . i was so wrapped up in all the **** happening in my life i couldnt spare fking second to grab a drink.


so now i have to go to bed to rest up for work...

this will be something..

yours daily

david
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Old 12-31-2004, 12:09 AM
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Originally Posted by MightyJester160
`.... im in an emotional state where there is very little skin between me and the outside world
I hear you, David. I really do. I want so badly to wrap myself into a cocoon...protected from the outside world. Safe. But I don't

Know what my sponsor asked me to do tonight? She asked me to write on my had with a black pen: Keep It Simple. Know what I did? I got out a black pen and wrote KEEP IT SIMPLE in big letters on the top of my left hand. I see it in my peripheral vision right now as I type. It is a reminder tatooed on my skin. It is becoming a part of me.

I hear from your posts that you are willing to go to any lengths for your sobriety. More you are taking action.

I, too, am willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober. Am I willing to listen and take suggestions? Let me put it this way... if my sponsor asked me to dance naked on the 405 freeway, I'd do it. (Lucky for the people driving that my sponsor is a reasonable, caring woman. Better not **** her off, though, just in case. lol)

With you in heart and spirit, David.

jojo
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