73 days of misery
One Grateful Addict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Princeton , IN
Posts: 32
73 days of misery
Hello everyone!!! I am back!! Right now I am at my dad's house watching my little sister while my dad is in Indy with my step-grandmother for her surgery. I am feeling so miserable!! I don't how to get rid of all of this stuff going on in my head! I feel like kicking in a door or something like that! I wake up every morning and think to myself, :insane "Crap I woke up again! How am I going to live through all of this clean?" I had to quit school like I told in an earlier post and I am now living with my best friend. I havn't been working. Just going to meetings and to group therapy. I have a lot of stuff going on and I can't do anything about it and it hurts deep, deep, deep inside. I hurt so many people while I was using, people I care about. And now that I am clean, I can't bring myself to face them again to say that I am sorry. I hurt one person in particular and I love him so much. I can't stand to be away from him but for some reason I am scared to go see him. I want to be in his arms again and I can't do it. Right now as I sit and stare at the screen I feel like I am about to come out of my skin. I havn't slept in a good 4 or 5 days because I have cried that whole time. I can't relax and I stress over the littlest things. Somedays, well most days, I feel like this isn't worth it anymore. Not just recovery but everything! Life in general. I am so depressed and getting tired of feeling like this. :tissue Well I wrote this because I was wanting to strength and hope if anyone else has ever experienced it.
Love n' luck,
Jess
:yelling
Love n' luck,
Jess
:yelling
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Valdosta, Georgia
Posts: 43
dear jessicajo I wish i could give you some sort of saying or words that will make you feel better I only have 3 days clean so I am so new to this. I lost my daughter because of my drinking and I have so much to make up for with her. I have so much guilt to deal with but I can't deal with it all at one time. I do know what you feel and I cry all the time to. Just cry let it all out. I hope it works out for you and I am sure it will. Good Luck
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
I've been there and done that. Who said recovery was boring.lol
Not for the fainth of hearts to feel all this stuff and go NUTZ.
All of our demons and fears messing with ya...tha be scary crap too.
Recovery is a hell of a ride so hold on to your ASS.
And you thought the old crazy life style was a trip.
Step 2 in the NA Basic Text, might help explain it better.
It's part of the process, so hang in there.
It is not natural for an addict not to be using, that's the first
discomfort. This is beyound the withdraws.
The second is , now that we you're not numb anymore,
the feelings are starting to come back. The most regconized
are the pains, fears,guilt,shame, remose or losts.
These feelings are sharper or louder than peace or happy feelings.
It is also reinforce by habits of years of focusing on these discomfort
feelings and doing whatever (getting High) to relived them.
At this juntion, going thur this experience is vital. It's how we come
to grasp a deeper understanding of ourselves and our disease.
It's me or inside of me , not the world.
CAME TO BELIVE IN POWER GREATER THAN OURSELF.
An Awaking perhapes or going back to do the samething over
and over again and expecting differnet results (INSANIY)
But what the hell I'm I going to do now? How will I live?
acceptance is the KEY or was the lesson.
Now just apply it appropriately.
Admmitting is onething, Accepting I"M POWERLESS is another.
Accepting that I'm insane....It's a process. Some of us still have
to do more experiments.lol
But a light bulb will go off when I give up, surrender, and stop
fighting.
OKI DOKi.... I'm powerless and couldn't win even if I tried.
What a freaken relief that I don't have to fight this crap anymore.
The short version
The pain or what you are going thur will either drive you forward
something GREAT or back to the same old crap again.
The DECISION is yours and yours alone to to make.
For me....
Acceptance of a LOVING Higher power is like blind faith.
It's beyound my insanity or beliefs or what my head tells me.
Or my suffering was so great(thur experience), that I'll try anything
or be more openminded. Childist faith or a fool's hope.
My Higher power LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY NO MATTER WHAT
arrived from the process of hearing . "go to meetings no matter what",
"Don't give up no matter what", Keep coming back no matter what"
Working steps will also help you get rid of the shame ,remose, and guilt.
Grieving over the lost of not being able to use drugs and alcohol
help. To loose my best friend and lover made me kind of pissed too.
I'm an addict and love to get high. What u mean I can't do that no mo !
LETTING GO....it's is a process or lesson. You will us this tool
over and over again as you progress in recovery or your life.
It's my experience , strength, and hope anyhow.
Life do get much better and miracle happens all the time.
Not for the fainth of hearts to feel all this stuff and go NUTZ.
All of our demons and fears messing with ya...tha be scary crap too.
Recovery is a hell of a ride so hold on to your ASS.
And you thought the old crazy life style was a trip.
Step 2 in the NA Basic Text, might help explain it better.
It's part of the process, so hang in there.
It is not natural for an addict not to be using, that's the first
discomfort. This is beyound the withdraws.
The second is , now that we you're not numb anymore,
the feelings are starting to come back. The most regconized
are the pains, fears,guilt,shame, remose or losts.
These feelings are sharper or louder than peace or happy feelings.
It is also reinforce by habits of years of focusing on these discomfort
feelings and doing whatever (getting High) to relived them.
At this juntion, going thur this experience is vital. It's how we come
to grasp a deeper understanding of ourselves and our disease.
It's me or inside of me , not the world.
CAME TO BELIVE IN POWER GREATER THAN OURSELF.
An Awaking perhapes or going back to do the samething over
and over again and expecting differnet results (INSANIY)
But what the hell I'm I going to do now? How will I live?
acceptance is the KEY or was the lesson.
Now just apply it appropriately.
Admmitting is onething, Accepting I"M POWERLESS is another.
Accepting that I'm insane....It's a process. Some of us still have
to do more experiments.lol
But a light bulb will go off when I give up, surrender, and stop
fighting.
OKI DOKi.... I'm powerless and couldn't win even if I tried.
What a freaken relief that I don't have to fight this crap anymore.
The short version
The pain or what you are going thur will either drive you forward
something GREAT or back to the same old crap again.
The DECISION is yours and yours alone to to make.
For me....
Acceptance of a LOVING Higher power is like blind faith.
It's beyound my insanity or beliefs or what my head tells me.
Or my suffering was so great(thur experience), that I'll try anything
or be more openminded. Childist faith or a fool's hope.
My Higher power LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY NO MATTER WHAT
arrived from the process of hearing . "go to meetings no matter what",
"Don't give up no matter what", Keep coming back no matter what"
Working steps will also help you get rid of the shame ,remose, and guilt.
Grieving over the lost of not being able to use drugs and alcohol
help. To loose my best friend and lover made me kind of pissed too.
I'm an addict and love to get high. What u mean I can't do that no mo !
LETTING GO....it's is a process or lesson. You will us this tool
over and over again as you progress in recovery or your life.
It's my experience , strength, and hope anyhow.
Life do get much better and miracle happens all the time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 398
Jess,
I think Nutz gave you some very good advice. I would add that we have all been through the stage of regular life without the drug being experienced as something horrible. When the drug is gone, our body, our mind, our spirit, our emotions need to readjust. Note all the categories I just mentioned -- all of these facets of our being need to readjust.
Jess, be gentle with yourself. Remember that every day you don't use is a great gift to those you hurt in the past. Perhaps you can't undo everything you done. But your staying sober is a very positive thing that has positive effects on others around you -- even if you don't realize it!
By simply not using and staying clean, you are giving of yourself to others. It's true!
Eventually, you will want to do more for others and will be able to do more. But for now, just take one day at a time, and be very gentle with yourself. Gentleness with ourselves is how we stay clean.
Jess, you have a lot of friends here, a lot of people who can relate to how you feel. Hope you feel some peace and encouragement!
:xmasg ChrisMan
I think Nutz gave you some very good advice. I would add that we have all been through the stage of regular life without the drug being experienced as something horrible. When the drug is gone, our body, our mind, our spirit, our emotions need to readjust. Note all the categories I just mentioned -- all of these facets of our being need to readjust.
Jess, be gentle with yourself. Remember that every day you don't use is a great gift to those you hurt in the past. Perhaps you can't undo everything you done. But your staying sober is a very positive thing that has positive effects on others around you -- even if you don't realize it!
By simply not using and staying clean, you are giving of yourself to others. It's true!
Eventually, you will want to do more for others and will be able to do more. But for now, just take one day at a time, and be very gentle with yourself. Gentleness with ourselves is how we stay clean.
Jess, you have a lot of friends here, a lot of people who can relate to how you feel. Hope you feel some peace and encouragement!
:xmasg ChrisMan
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Nobooze, USA
Posts: 11
Hi Jessica,
Congratulations on 73 days clean and sober! I'm jealous. I've always felt that I am a very capable young man (25), but I've been trying to quit drinking for about 4 years and I've never made it past a week. So much for self-control, eh? Today is day 3. Wish me luck, I need it.
From all the advice I've heard and read, I think the idea of taking very small pieces of time (hours or minutes) as they come is helpful for me. The only problem is, when you feel all stir-crazy and depressed or anxious sitting on a couch that whole methods kind of falls apart. I can take ten seconds of restlessness and turn it into a ten minute drive to the liquor store. See, the problem is the ten SECONDS, not the ride in my Jeep that takes much longer. Strange how that works.
I hope you're feeling better now since it's been a few hours since you posted. If possible, I would suggest a walk outside. It's nice and cold and I've alway found crisp air mentally refreshing. That's my plan for tonight anyway if the little demon inside demands booze.
Good luck and please keep posting. I will send some strength your way (I promise to close my eyes and try to figure out how to do that).
TJ
Congratulations on 73 days clean and sober! I'm jealous. I've always felt that I am a very capable young man (25), but I've been trying to quit drinking for about 4 years and I've never made it past a week. So much for self-control, eh? Today is day 3. Wish me luck, I need it.
From all the advice I've heard and read, I think the idea of taking very small pieces of time (hours or minutes) as they come is helpful for me. The only problem is, when you feel all stir-crazy and depressed or anxious sitting on a couch that whole methods kind of falls apart. I can take ten seconds of restlessness and turn it into a ten minute drive to the liquor store. See, the problem is the ten SECONDS, not the ride in my Jeep that takes much longer. Strange how that works.
I hope you're feeling better now since it's been a few hours since you posted. If possible, I would suggest a walk outside. It's nice and cold and I've alway found crisp air mentally refreshing. That's my plan for tonight anyway if the little demon inside demands booze.
Good luck and please keep posting. I will send some strength your way (I promise to close my eyes and try to figure out how to do that).
TJ
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: London, England
Posts: 70
Dear Jess ..I'm in recovery (49 days ) ..I have the power to forgive people who hurt Me or who have hurt Me, ..in recovery that's easier to do ....but I must learn to accept that I also have the power to forgive Myself ..this is much harder but that is where I must go to get well ....and then I must accept the forgiveness of others ..harder still! ....and then that I'm forgiven everything By My Higher Power. This is part of the path to serenity ..accept these things and your pain will fall away from you like melting snow. Be gentle with yourself ..Forgiveness is your's and it is given freely ..allow it to fill you up inside and fill that great empty space that causes so much pain!.
Joe
Joe
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Ma
Posts: 145
Jess,
You said
"I hurt one person in particular and I love him so much. I can't stand to be away from him but for some reason I am scared to go see him. I want to be in his arms again and I can't do it".
I am 44 and have been married for 17 years. My wife went into treatment and has now been sober for 13 months. Trust me, if he loves you, he will want to hold you regardless. I know. If he is an addict himself, you must move on.
You said
"I hurt one person in particular and I love him so much. I can't stand to be away from him but for some reason I am scared to go see him. I want to be in his arms again and I can't do it".
I am 44 and have been married for 17 years. My wife went into treatment and has now been sober for 13 months. Trust me, if he loves you, he will want to hold you regardless. I know. If he is an addict himself, you must move on.
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