AJ143143

Hi,

I am on day 2... i realized triggers for me are putting too much pressure on myself... Instead of being ok with just working and getting sober.....i put so much more pressure on myself to also 1) have a perfect body 2) be pretty 3) be the daughter, friend ect that shows up at all times for others 4) be out of debt tomorrow lol.... like i am so hard on myself... for example...i have a list of to dos for today and most of it doesn't NEED to be done today...but i will make myself power through instead of allowing myself to just get through not drinking today.... it is like i have to hustle for my worthiness all the time....

just sharing cause i am having some break throughs

Behappy1

I am the exact same way. For me, I think it stems from control. I can't control many things - but I can control the way my house looks, I look, how I act. etc. With alcohol I drank partly because things (some within, some outside of my control) became so chaotic. I have always been a do'er. I power through things to get them done 1 by 1. Once that is done I go for more to do. Now that I am content with my surroundings (house, yard, shed, vehicle etc) I am working on things internally and externally (my thoughts, my health). I think I am partly wired that way. I know that if I drink again, it will all fall apart again. If that makes sense? That's great you're having breakthroughs. The KEY is to just not drink. Even when your mind is screaming - just 1 more time. Just let me get things together and THEN I will stop. Once my massive "to do list" is complete, THEN I can relax. As hard as it was, I had to dismantle that thinking and just take it one day, one hour if necessary at a time. Some days I got things done, other days my energy was simply spent on not drinking.

Cityboy

You are here sharing with us and making an effort AJ. That counts for a lot.

Being told that you had a brain tumor at the age of 19, and watching your mom have amputations, these things would rattle anyone.

Self forgiveness is such a huge thing. No one is perfect, and it's ok to have imperfections. We all come that way. Doesn't mean we are off the hook completely, but expecting perfection isn't realistic.

We drink/use/whatever to escape the negative emotions. Except drinking/using/whatever only perpetuates and intensifies the negative emotions. Hating yourself, guilt, resentment towards others, fear, anxiety, all negative emotions that I was escaping (metaphorically) by drinking. I had no idea how much so until I had been sober a while and could begin to see it.

I only had a chance at putting down my koozie when I had begun to let go of those negative feelings. Baby steps, but a little thing can be a big thing. Why must your body be perfect? A genuine smile is more beautiful. Put your own oxygen mask on first. I keep a running list of projects and have long struggled with productivity and competitiveness also. I don't have to have the biggest house, the most money, or drive an F350 that says "Superduty" across the back.

There are various definitions of success. 'Happiness' is one of my favorites. Also, being motivated by positive emotions rather than negative ones.

DriGuy

Too many things can make you feel overwhelmed, and being hard on yourself can create too many things to do. For me however, it wasn't the things I had to do. Actually, there were never that many that making a list on paper and scratching them off one at a time, didn't solve them all in an organized fashion, and that was rewarding. But sometimes my mind would get overwhelmed, and without going to the list, I would blow it all out of proportion. I would end up having to take a break to have a "few" drinks, which of course ruined the next 12-24 hours. But here is where the insanity of addiction steps in. Can you guess when I would take a much needed break and hit the alcohol? This is the illogical part. I would take my break, before I even started doing anything, and 24 hours later, not one thing that I had to do would have been done.

Clearly that trigger had less to do with "too many things" than it did with needing to replenish my necessary alcohol levels to avoid that wild craving we experience in the first few days of recovery. Don't blame yourself for being a perfectionist or for wanting to accomplish a lot of things. Blame your alcoholic cravings for being the first thing on the list that needs to be taken care of. Until you quit for good, that will always be the first thing on your list and your number one priority, and it will overwhelm you if you don't deal with it by getting drunk, or alternatively quitting for good.

novips

The following is just my experience, so take what you can use (if anything) and leave the rest.

The concept of "triggers" is interesting. My understanding of my alcoholism is as follows: (1) I am physically different from non-alcoholics b/c once I start drinking I can't predict how much I'll drink, (2) I am mentally different from non-alcoholics b/c I can't stay away from the first drink on will-power alone, and (3) my only solution to those first two problems is fully submitting to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. IOW, triggers don't have anything to do with my drinking. As a real alcoholic, I drink no matter what -- which is to say that I will always find some excuse for drinking -- unless I can gain access to a Power greater than myself (via the steps and program of A.A.) that will do for me what I can't do for myself.

SproutLife

Oh AJ I can relate so much. Like, oh I need to be The Best Version of Myself and if i cant, **** it lets drink. But in reality this is a process and cant happen overnight and i need to see the big picture. Time moves faster and faster and the incremental progress really adds up when Im patient.

Also, when putting pressure on myself in my relationships I try to remember this quote:

“The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, ‘If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.’ Now I say, ‘I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.'” — Jim Rohn

Have a great day AJ and thank you for posting. Keep at it!

AJ143143

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your support and for relating with me.... I got a few things done on my list and now I am going for a walk/jog. I am nervous about my first day at work tomorrow. Will I be good enough? Will I have anxiety? Will I live up to my new bosses expectations? I am finally getting out in words what I hold back in self confidence that doesn't actually exist in my heart...but I pretend it does. For all the things I have read and watched on vulnerability and all the work I have done on my self I am starting to realize I feel like a fraud because being vulnerable makes me terrified. I am there for so many of my friends and family as "the voice of reason"... the friend that people turn to in their moments of doubt when really I can't even tell a lot of my closest friends just how bad my anxiety is.... I lead with "I have a headache" ..." My tummy hurts"... ect when the truth is I am so scared of having a panic attack and THAT is the reason I don't want to go out to dinner or why I cry myself to sleep... The anxiety I have had since my teenage years has been relentless.... Way before I ever drank... I know alcohol makes it so much worse but I remember when I first started drinking... It was mid-late twenties. It was because I had enough of my restless mind and I just wanted to feel normal. I just wanted to stop worrying all the dang time... I saw friends and co workers seeming to have amazing conversations and fun and you know what....it worked... and it worked fast... it was like I could finally just stop and be present ( as weird as that sounds ) ... but it became such a crutch for me.... I am so done with it being a crutch but I am also so afraid of having anxiety all the time. Everyone says to go for a walk, get exercise, talk to a friend, go to therapy....but I DO all these things. I do them consistantly.... I take vitamins... I eat pretty healthy.....very healthy actually.... I work out 4-6 times a week. I go for walks.... I have a huge friend group... I see a therapist once a week.... I see a psychiatrist once a month.... I had all my blood work done and thank god everything turned out fine.... My liver is in good shape.... ect ect.... This is my inner self talk....just so I can share with you guys

If I feel off for a min in anyway (headache, dizzy, clouded brain) I immidiately go to "Something is wrong, don't let anyone know, you could get fired for not being put together enough, you could be rejected...... crap, it is getting worse, what if it is something really bad.... just get through your workday or to do list and get home and go to sleep or take a shower"....then I get home and I isolate so that no one knows what I am really struggling with. My friends know I am a homebody and I think I am to some degree BUT the truth is I am so afraid of (I don't even know what) that I allow my anxiety to dictate my life.... I am so sick of it.... It makes me feel like I am weird , incapable and just not ok.....

Thank you for letting me share.... It feels really good to be 100% honest

advbike

In early sobriety that pressure is too much, AJ. Just focus on the priorities that will keep you sober - your job, a healthy diet, exercise and sleep. Progress, not perfection. Worry about the other stuff later.

I also felt like a fraud when I was mid-career and had a lot of success. I felt like I didn't deserve it. That is apparently a common feeling among us.

You don't need to share all your anxieties - we all have them. Or make yourself vulnerable to those who are not close.

You're doing fine, AJ. You're very articulate, strong and capable. I say run with it.

DriGuy

Feeling off is not abnormal. No one feels "on" all the time, and anyone who says they do probably isn't looking at themselves as closely as you. Every day we face situations that are ambiguous and we won't always know the best thing to do. We don't have answers for everything. None the less, "feeling off for a min in anyway" appears to be a trigger for you that can set off an anxiety attack. But I don't see a logical reason why such a trigger MUST start an attack.

As you already alluded you don't even know what the anxiety is about, which by the way is the definition of anxiety: Fear with no knowledge of what that fear is. If you see a bear close up you feel fear. That's normal. If you feel fear, but there is no bear, that's a little less normal, but hardly unusual for most of us. That's anxiety. When you feel something is off, you may be programmed to feel anxiety, but I think that can be unprogrammed.

But I don't want to try to make this sound simple. Anxiety and it's causes can be very complex. My causes of anxiety were usually involved with letting my mind go. I would force myself in therapy to entertain any nutso thought in my head, because many of those thoughts led to a discovery. Not all of them, most were more like dead ends. But before I would have a discovery (an insight) some unknown thing about myself would begin bubbling up to my conscious. I would feel the anxiety first. Something was coming my way, and I had no idea whether it we be good or horrifying. Then the insight would come, and every time, without exception it was always a relief. Why the anxiety? I dunno. Fear of the unknown I guess.

The point is that I wasn't finding anything horrible in myself. It was all useful, enlightening, and gave me an emotional high. But for me, and maybe it's the same for you, we tend to think we have horrible stuff inside us. All I can say is that even though I feared it, nothing ever warranted anxiety. I (and maybe you), are just programmed to expect less of ourselves, and don't give ourselves enough credit. We can get over that. But like I said, anxiety can be complex, and it can be different for you. What I can say with a bit more confidence is that you should not be afraid of yourself. You have much to offer.

AJ143143

OH my gosh ...these replies are so amazing.... THANK YOU everyone. Some of them actually made me cry. I exercised twice today. I stayed sober. I got all of my errands and to do lists done. I made a very healthy lunch for myself and one of my friends. I was with someone who had a glass of wine and I did not. I just ate my healthy food. I cleaned my whole house. I feel anxious still about my first day of my new job tomorrow but everything you have all said has really helped me.

Dryguy: you nailed it... almost exactly how I feel... The last line literally made me tear up...

I really do appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to write me....

Today I felt anxious at times but calm at others.... I felt accomplished... I felt nervous... I had my gut instinct feel something about a guy that I have been dating that was not positive and I think I am going to follow my intuition on it which feels powerful.

I am also proud of myself that outside of eating frozen M and Ms today I ate very very healthy... Made 2 meals at home...

For the most part today I was able to stay focused and do things pragmatically and didn't let my anxiety get the best of me..... I felt so heard and seen by everyone here. This is the best group ever ...

brighterday1234

The no1 priority for an alcoholic to stay sober has to be staying sober one day at a time 🙏

ToughChoices

First, know that I can identify with you in this sentiment.

Second, realize that your second post is a list of all the things that you have accomplished today.

As mentioned above, it is fine to be motivated and driven. Determination is great! But, for me, early sobriety was a time to funnel all of that motivation into recovery. Not diet. Not exercise. Not debt alleviation. Just posting, sleeping, meetings, reading, therapy, 12 Steps, and cups of herbal tea.

My diet DID improve. My exercise regimen is MUCH more vigorous now. I’ve lost weight and saved money. My mental health is in a good place, I drink more water, and my skin looks pretty darn good.

But those are benefits of my sobriety and spiritual health. They came months after my quit.

In AA we say, “Keep it simple.” That has been good advice for my spinning, anxious mind.

Can you trust that embracing recovery and committing to abstinence will deliver the life you want? As a gift that comes naturally (no intrinsic worth needs to be proven….it’s already just there.)

I guess I am really trying to say that you don’t have to bust your *ss for anything but a sober head on the pillow tonight. Can you go easy on yourself?

novips

I've been thinking some more about your post. Again, what follows are just my personal reflections -- so take them or leave them as you see fit.

While the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous does not refer to "triggers", it certainly does refer to defects of character -- and these are critical to identify b/c they block me from the only Power that can solve my problems if I am what I refer to as a "real alcoholic." Perhaps that is a better way to understand what you are describing -- that you have identified the character defect of (perhaps) perfectionism, and that this perfectionism interferes with you attaining your goal of sobriety. All of which brings me back to how we in A.A. transcend our character defects, which is via application of the 12 Steps.

AJ143143

Hi novips. Thank you for the post. I happen to not like AA for very personal reasons of what I experienced in the program. I won’t speak poorly of the program because I understand it is useful and life saving for people. What happened to me through the program is not something I’m willing to be a part of again. It just is not for me. I do appreciate you taking the time to post though

advbike

Fantastic post, TC. So true and such a concise and well worded summary. Saving that one. 🙏

Mizz

I can relate to all you have posted here. What I have come to understand about anxiety and how I operate, is that in times of heightened stress my anxiety will also increase in the following ways: Perfectionism, rumination, intrusive thoughts, cleanliness, insomnia, debilitating worry, chronic checking, reassurance seeking, exercise, etc. It can be debilitating.

I have learned the following tool: LLAMP

Label ( Call it what it is. "im worrying" or "im in perfection mode" or "Im ruminating")
Let go of control
Acceptance
Mindfulness
Proceeding in the right direction

It sounds to me like you are in a flare up and that makes sense. Starting a new job is stressful. Getting sober is stressful. Change is stressful. Perfectionism is stressful. Its not just as simple as "letting go" or "taking it easy" or telling yourself all the good stuff, etc. These behaviors, the way you think, has served a purpose and some of these behaviors will continue to serve you and others will not. While you are in this flare up..... LLAMP at every moment you need to.
When you start to worry.....LLAMP. When you start to obsess, LLAMP. Take each moment as it comes and know that you will come into a balance when the stress (New job, newly sober, new whatever) calms down. It takes time to learn to operate in a new way. It takes time to adjust to anything new.

You got this!

Oglsby

Great responses. I can relate a lot to what you and others have said. I have found that simply forcing myself to do one thing at a time greatly helps. What can I get done RIGHT NOW that is productive. Not HOW many things that NEED to be done, but what is ONE thing that I can do to feel accomplished.

Cityboy

AJ, how does the new job seem to be going?

AJ143143

Thank you guys all for your replies. Yesterday was a bit overwhelming for my first day at work. But everyone was also really nice. My boss is so nice. So it’s going really good. About to start day 2

Hawkeye13

Sounds like a promising start to the new job! Update us when you get a chance