MKRN

Long time reader but first time poster. Today is day 1. This is the 3rd day one I have had in the last 8 years and have been drinking since my teenage years. Last night I went to a wine tasting and blacked out when I got home. Blacking out is nothing new, I just usually do it after everyone is asleep. That is not normal. I cannot have just one drink and I know that.

I thought my husband was going to leave me and my kids were scared to death. I am done and today is my day 1, and what really sealed the deal and is my wakeup call in addition to losing my family, is that my dear friends father died at 2 am this morning from complications of alcoholism. I am ready to find joy again outside of alcohol.

I kind of feel alone, no one close to me has been through this and I feel like they do not understand. I know that I don't want to go on like this. That AV will start at day two or three like always but I am going to ride the urge. I am also trying to give myself grace because I am not a bad person. I have never posted or said any of this really out loud before besides in therapy, tearful as I am writing this but hopeful as well.

Dee74

Hi MKRN

it's pretty common that a lot of us don't have people in our life who understand addiction or alcoholism...which is why a forum like this is so important.

We really do understand and we really do have experience on how to get out of active addiction and into recovery

I came here lost and scared not knowing how I'd stop drinking....but the community helped - in fact I think they saved my life.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friends father. This is a relentless condition - but it can and is beaten, every day

I'm really glad you found us

D

needingtochange

MKRN, I may not be close to you but I'll offer whatever help and support I can. So will the rest of SR. My best friend of 45 years died in Mar after a long battle with cancer. It was hard not to find "solace" in a bottle. I kept on coming here to people who'd been where I am/was now and made it through to a better life. Still keepin' on at day 93. You can do it.

aasharon90

Many of us understand exactly how you feel and know
exactly what you are saying and where you are coming
from MKRN. Which is why we grab a hold of recovery
folks like us and hold on tight as we support and guide
each other step by step to achieving freedom from our
addictions.

Hold on tight to your recovery lifelines and never let
go. Listen, learn, absorb, and apply knowledge of addiction
and recovery to help get off that merry go round of insanity
that comes with addiction so that you can become the best,
heathiest person you are meant to be. No only to yourself,
but to loved ones around you.

DriGuy

As Dee pointed out, people not understanding what you are going through is not uncommon. Some do, but they are a minority. I experienced that myself, and while most didn't understand what I was going through, I didn't understand a lot of what it required to stop. That's why we come to forums or groups like this. So aasharon pointed out: "Hold on tight to your recovery lifelines and never let go. Listen, learn, absorb, and apply knowledge of addiction and recovery to help get off that merry go round."

Listen and learn. Read through threads. Not everything will register right away, but there is a lot of knowledge here gained from personal experience and things we have read ourselves.

But first, lets get through the cravings. You know, cravings, those obsessive thoughts you have that make you give in? They are both physical and psychological, which means you can't just think your way out of them, although you will do a lot of thinking. You're going to have to hold onto your chair. Call up will power, distract yourself, and resist. No, more than just resist. Refuse to drink, and cravings will abate. They don't go away completely, but they will become manageable. That gets you to the beginning of recovery, and then you can start planning strategies on how to gain a permanent and satisfying sobriety.

It's a long process that will go on for the rest of your life. The good news is that is a very happy life, filled with confidence and joy and not the sacrifice we all think it will be before we start.

novips

I had countless "Day 1" experiences until I fully committed to the recovery program set forth in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom A.A. is the only solution. Please keep an open mind about the possibility that you -- like me -- might be an alcoholic of that type.

LTee

MKRN, I’m new here as well, although I’ve been lurking for a while. Like you, I take the opportunity to drink excessively when I’m alone, and like you I had my latest blackout just a few days ago. I’m a happy person, I have a good life, and I don’t want to ruin it. I’m starting to realize that this is exactly what will happen if I keep drinking. I know my AV will kick in sometime soon (I’m on Day 5), but reading about everyone’s experiences is helping a lot, knowing that everyone here gets it. And most importantly, nobody here judges anyone for being an addict.

i know I’m an addict. It has been a hard-earned truth, but I have to be honest with myself if I am to stand a chance of not ruining my life. I lost respect for alcohol, I didn’t think there would be any consequences beyond hangovers. I now know that I was wrong, it has consequences, or will have, at least for me.

So welcome to this journey, I’m happy you posted here and shared your story. It’s similar to mine, and many others like us. Keep reading and posting, it has helped so many here to turn around their lives in a positive way.

biminiblue

Welcome, MKRN. I read here in my early days of sobriety, "Welcome to the world's largest club that no one wants to join."

It's not easy in the beginning, but within about a week I made the declaration that I am an alcoholic and that I have decided to never drink again. So far that has stuck for nine years. The first couple months were pretty hard for me, from physical to emotional. I spent a lot of time on this site and I went to daily AA meetings. I'm grateful for both.

Stick with us. It can be over if you say it's over.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

MKRN

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I have definitely accepted that I am an alcoholic. I cannot continue to live my life like this and know that I can not be a good role model and a healthy person with alcohol in my life. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Sleep was not good last night and I had some night sweats but other than that I am good this morning.

MKRN

Yes, this so much.

MKRN

It is amazing how people say things that are exactly what we have done or been through. This disease is horrible.

MKRN

Thanks so much.

SproutLife

Hi MKRN - welcome! I'm sorry for all youve been through but so very glad you are here. Im a mom and a wife and your story sounds so familar. With all good intentions of quiting and wanting to be the best version of myself for my family, my GAWD it was hard to start!

It sounds like you're already read up on Sober Recovery and that pain in tucus pos AV!! Good to know that 3 day threshold, you yell at that a**hole AV, you tell it to take a hike! You got this! Eat a butt ton of junk food watch your favorite movies, do every little self indulgent sober thing in the world because as you said it is hard and so important!

I am proud of you! You should be proud of you! Saying this publicly is one of the hardest things and you freaking did it! That shame mountain is hard to hike over (and tended for me to be an avenue for the AV to throw mud!) But you are amazing and you got this!! Ever onward!

Also thank you for posting, your stories help me stay the course. I cant wait to hear more from you as you knock this out of the park!

Anna

Hi MKRN and welcome back! I'm glad that you've decided to stop drinking and ready to embrace sobriety. I felt completely alone when I stopped drinking, but after finding SR, I knew I had found a family. My suggestion is to make a plan as to how you will make this work. What can you do during those times when you'd be drinking?

MKRN

I am busy almost all of the time with my kids sports/activities, and I made time to drink when I should be sleeping, so I am going to prioritize sleep. I also read a lot and listen to audio books. You can't read drunk, so I plan on doing a lot of reading over the next few weeks. I am also enjoying waking up earlier and not being hung over and not rushing to work. I had been trying to drink less during the week anyway for the past few weeks and that is my silver lining I am holding on to. I plan on starting to exercise early in the morning as well so all of these are geared to be accountable to sleep and not drink. I also like to birdwatch but rarely see the morning birds on the weekends, so that is also a goal. I am always good at work, it is when I leave work and drive home that AV voice starts.

Anna

It sounds like you have a good plan in place. And, you can always check in here for support, too.

Zencat

Welcome to SR's posting side MKRN.

I too like your recovery plan.
I find the more I develop a life worth living the less I think about destroying it with drink.

Post daily as an accountability to your commitment to stay sober, I do it and many other members do it too.

Don't let the AV win. You can recover.

Steely

Welcome MKRN.

Sounds like you are already beginning to experience the great benefits of sobriety. And it's gets better. ☀️

You will find ongoing support here as you build one day upon the other, building the life you know you want and deserve.

I hope you continue to post.

zoobadger

You can listen to audiobooks on your drive home. Listen to some books you tried to read when you were drunk. I'm reading a book I bought in 2010, and apparently read in it's entirely according to my Kindle. I don't remember one single detail, lol. It's all new.

Surrender felt really good when I finally admitted I was powerless over alcohol. It's a relief to come clean and be honest with oneself.

Those morning birds aren't going to watch themselves, so you've got a great incentive to stay on track!