Trying this again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,286
Trying this again
Hi all, sorry for the long post
I was sober since joining in Aug 2018 up until +- May 2020. Covid and lockdown and then my friend committed suicide.
And I drank over it. What a lame excuse. And kept at it - full time. Morning till late afternoon, every day.
It took me a while to summon the courage to read my old posts in Class of August 2018. It is a painful reminder of how much I've allowed to go to waste. 21 months of sobriety.
I look at how my posts became more and more positive and I can't believe I've allowed this to happen. My sobriety was my biggest treasure and gift to myself and loved ones.
Suffice it to say that what everyone on this site says, is true: This is a progressive disease
I self-promoted myself from 2 bottles of wine a day from when I quit in 2018 to 1/2 a bottle (750ml) of GIN and sodawater as my DOC
Now back at where I was then, but only so so so much worse! I walked straight into the trap! And now I'm in real trouble.
As back in 2018, I cannot ask for a medical detox. (Small town, all the dr's are personal friends, my husband is a professional in the area - yada, yada)
But I do realise that I'm at great risk of going cold turkey, so have managed to halve my intake daily until I feel it safe to quit. I also have a script for Urbanol (which I'm very wary of because I know it's a Benzo, but also a help during withdrawals and preventing seizures)
Ugh!!! If only one person reads this who is considering picking up again, then I'll be happy. Please, please don't. It IS a progressive disease and I think my second time around will be MUCH harder than my first, if I make it at all. What a fool I've been!
Love to you all ((()))
I was sober since joining in Aug 2018 up until +- May 2020. Covid and lockdown and then my friend committed suicide.
And I drank over it. What a lame excuse. And kept at it - full time. Morning till late afternoon, every day.
It took me a while to summon the courage to read my old posts in Class of August 2018. It is a painful reminder of how much I've allowed to go to waste. 21 months of sobriety.
I look at how my posts became more and more positive and I can't believe I've allowed this to happen. My sobriety was my biggest treasure and gift to myself and loved ones.
Suffice it to say that what everyone on this site says, is true: This is a progressive disease
I self-promoted myself from 2 bottles of wine a day from when I quit in 2018 to 1/2 a bottle (750ml) of GIN and sodawater as my DOC
Now back at where I was then, but only so so so much worse! I walked straight into the trap! And now I'm in real trouble.
As back in 2018, I cannot ask for a medical detox. (Small town, all the dr's are personal friends, my husband is a professional in the area - yada, yada)
But I do realise that I'm at great risk of going cold turkey, so have managed to halve my intake daily until I feel it safe to quit. I also have a script for Urbanol (which I'm very wary of because I know it's a Benzo, but also a help during withdrawals and preventing seizures)
Ugh!!! If only one person reads this who is considering picking up again, then I'll be happy. Please, please don't. It IS a progressive disease and I think my second time around will be MUCH harder than my first, if I make it at all. What a fool I've been!
Love to you all ((()))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,582
Hi Ayers....I remember your name.
I picked up after 5 years, and know how you feel. I'm glad you're back on track.
If you feel at risk of seizure maybe seeing a doctor would be a good idea. I've read that benzos taken for no longer than two weeks is ok. But I'm not a doctor.
You will never regret reclaiming your sobriety Ayers. I certainly haven't. Never again the nightmare.
I picked up after 5 years, and know how you feel. I'm glad you're back on track.
If you feel at risk of seizure maybe seeing a doctor would be a good idea. I've read that benzos taken for no longer than two weeks is ok. But I'm not a doctor.
You will never regret reclaiming your sobriety Ayers. I certainly haven't. Never again the nightmare.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Ayres 
It took me many tries to get sober and many more tries to stay sober.
It's something that I never thought I could do from the drinking side of the mountain....but I did.
The mountain seems steep now, but its not actually the ordeal we think it will be - not with friends to help, and a resolve in you to change for good
you can do this
D
It took me many tries to get sober and many more tries to stay sober.
It's something that I never thought I could do from the drinking side of the mountain....but I did.
The mountain seems steep now, but its not actually the ordeal we think it will be - not with friends to help, and a resolve in you to change for good
you can do this
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,286
Thanks Dee, for always being so kind and supportive.
It was so awesome to come back to this site after it had been my "home" for 21 months and find all you good people still here.
Feels so safe and familiar.
Thanks for that.
It was so awesome to come back to this site after it had been my "home" for 21 months and find all you good people still here.
Feels so safe and familiar.
Thanks for that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Welcome back. Sobriety gets better the longer you are at it. There will come a time when no reason, excuse, rationalization, or set back will cause you to even think about a drink. At 21 months you have done the hardest part, but I've been told that first part gets harder each time, although I have had no personal experience with it. Going through the first part once was enough for me. I don't want to have to do that again.
No reason….just drank ugh. Now i feel terrible.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,582
I'm sorry Introvrtd1. I know how it feels.
Best bet is to get straight back on the bus and abandon any ideas that have you think drinking is ever going to be a good idea. It's not, and never will be.
Pull up now Introvrtd. Save time on the suffering.
Best bet is to get straight back on the bus and abandon any ideas that have you think drinking is ever going to be a good idea. It's not, and never will be.
Pull up now Introvrtd. Save time on the suffering.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Ayers and Introvrtd, I'm really glad that you are both here and posting.
I've never heard anyone with a drinking problem report great fulfillment and happiness after returning to alcohol, but the addiction lies to each of us, telling us that WE are the exception to that silly rule. It's so good that you recognize the lie and are willing to work towards truth.
Life is hard, rich, and full of magic when we are awake and alert to appreciate it.
I've never heard anyone with a drinking problem report great fulfillment and happiness after returning to alcohol, but the addiction lies to each of us, telling us that WE are the exception to that silly rule. It's so good that you recognize the lie and are willing to work towards truth.
Life is hard, rich, and full of magic when we are awake and alert to appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, man, you two...
No sense beating yourself up over it. The only way out is - you know -
Ayers, I did a short three day taper when I quit. I didn't know it was dangerous to quit cold turkey and I just made up my own taper. I was drinking a LOT before I quit. Morning drinking. Daily about 12-14 drinks.
Had I not been able to quit, I might have thought about a doctor, but I'm pretty stubborn and I was sure I could do it.
I still suffered. I had hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I still had a long protracted period of being very incapable of much other than eating, sleeping, spending time (here) on the internet, and taking walks. I went to an AA meeting (or two or three) every day for the first four months. Good nutrition, exercise, sleep.
I'm really sorry both of you have done this. Introvrted1, I'm worried about you - I hope you find your way out again. Throw everything at this.
No sense beating yourself up over it. The only way out is - you know -
Ayers, I did a short three day taper when I quit. I didn't know it was dangerous to quit cold turkey and I just made up my own taper. I was drinking a LOT before I quit. Morning drinking. Daily about 12-14 drinks.
Had I not been able to quit, I might have thought about a doctor, but I'm pretty stubborn and I was sure I could do it.
I still suffered. I had hallucinations, both visual and auditory. I still had a long protracted period of being very incapable of much other than eating, sleeping, spending time (here) on the internet, and taking walks. I went to an AA meeting (or two or three) every day for the first four months. Good nutrition, exercise, sleep.
I'm really sorry both of you have done this. Introvrted1, I'm worried about you - I hope you find your way out again. Throw everything at this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the program of recovery set forth in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am one of those types and perhaps you are as well. Please keep an open mind about that. Also, if you need medical detox, then refusing that help for the reasons you cite (and trying to manage your own detox with a stash of benzos) strikes me, with all due respect, as a form of insanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 271
I've been sober since July 2018. And I still feel like I'm on the roof of a very tall building with no fence on a windy day. If I relax and don't hang on, I'll be blown off the edge. It's scary that we're surrounded by a deadly poison that's f'ing EVERYWHERE. I took a shortcut through the liquor aisle to the grocery checkout recently, and it's still deeply unnerving to be in the midst of all that booze.
We all need constant vigilance and daily affirmation. Coming here reminds me not to get lazy and complacent, and to remember how much I have to lose and how fast I can lose it.
We all need constant vigilance and daily affirmation. Coming here reminds me not to get lazy and complacent, and to remember how much I have to lose and how fast I can lose it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Ayers, so glad you made it back, you can do it again. We are all here for you.
Introvrtd, so sorry to hear. Like others said, don't delay - get out of the cycle.
I relapsed after 3 years sobriety and found it very difficult to gain extended sobriety again, because I kept listening to the AV and caving for one reason or another. Finally found a way to make AVRT work for me, and it has really made a difference.
The key is to just not take that first drink, and do not engage with your AV. Tell it to F off..
You can both do this!
Introvrtd, so sorry to hear. Like others said, don't delay - get out of the cycle.
I relapsed after 3 years sobriety and found it very difficult to gain extended sobriety again, because I kept listening to the AV and caving for one reason or another. Finally found a way to make AVRT work for me, and it has really made a difference.
The key is to just not take that first drink, and do not engage with your AV. Tell it to F off..
You can both do this!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Glad to see you Ayer’s and you too Introvrtd—I was also one who had to test the waters many times via relapses before realizing drinking was a never-win situation for me.
My advice from long experience is to embrace sobriety hard once again without shame or regret—lessons were learned—and expand your recovery toolboxes—do the small steps each day to get solid in your recovery and all will be well.
Really it will—just keep doing the next right thing.
My advice from long experience is to embrace sobriety hard once again without shame or regret—lessons were learned—and expand your recovery toolboxes—do the small steps each day to get solid in your recovery and all will be well.
Really it will—just keep doing the next right thing.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Great to see you back with us, Ayers.
I had 3 yrs. sober & decided it would be ok to have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into a bottle. Then more the next night, and off I went for years.
I finally realized there would never be any moderating or control - once it was in my system very bad things were likely to happen.
I know you can get your sobriety back again. I did - and now have 15 yrs. sober.
Let's do it.
I had 3 yrs. sober & decided it would be ok to have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into a bottle. Then more the next night, and off I went for years.
I finally realized there would never be any moderating or control - once it was in my system very bad things were likely to happen.
I know you can get your sobriety back again. I did - and now have 15 yrs. sober.
Let's do it.
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