Message In a Bottle
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Join Date: Apr 2023
Posts: 8
Message In a Bottle
Had a rather small but personally satisfying triumph today…had the “stuff” in my hand. Faced it down and did not yield – small personal victory at the beginning of long journey…but a huge boost to my self-esteem.
Cleaning up after the years of debauchery that intensified during COVID confinement, I set to cleaning up my home office that was packed with odd stacks of papers, laptops and the remnants of my career. It felt good to start clearing the decks, putting things in order and getting a sense of control. My bookshelves were in total chaos and as I started to empty them to re-organize them, I came across one of my stashed bottles of spirits, long since forgotten. It was a 375ml flask of amber liquid…approximately 2/3 full. I held it in my hands, knowing what I should do but having a hard time adjusting to this unexpected moment. It was right in front of me…I was home alone, no one would know and I had plenty of time to get rid of the evidence. The beast in me whispered that it would be okay to have some…that I deserved this reward for enduring sobriety to date. I am not sure how long I sat there staring at it… but later reasoned it had to be at least 38 minutes as the CD I was listening to finally timed out.
I had to actually speak my intention out loud as I walked to the loo with it (NO! NO! NO! FFS NO! NOT THIS TIME!)…(in retrospect I felt rather daft for having done this). I entered the loo, unscrewed the cap and after another final brief moment of hesitation I poured it down the drain…the smell wafted up into my nostrils as I decanted it into the sink…surprisingly I actually had an instant case of the shakes…the same kind I experienced at the counter when fumbling to hand over my money while paying it, the same shakes I had when I pulled my car into the garage, dropped the door and started gulping it down before I even turned off the engine.
I was a bit hesitant to return to the task of cleaning the office…worried I might find another. But in the end I only found 2 well concealed empties. This was an unwanted challenge and an unexpected victory – but I’ll take it. Many in this forum face down this kind of threat multiple times a day…I am not there yet, but inspired by their shares and wanting to get there as well. It won’t be the last temptation but at least I have a “WIN” on the ladder.
Cleaning up after the years of debauchery that intensified during COVID confinement, I set to cleaning up my home office that was packed with odd stacks of papers, laptops and the remnants of my career. It felt good to start clearing the decks, putting things in order and getting a sense of control. My bookshelves were in total chaos and as I started to empty them to re-organize them, I came across one of my stashed bottles of spirits, long since forgotten. It was a 375ml flask of amber liquid…approximately 2/3 full. I held it in my hands, knowing what I should do but having a hard time adjusting to this unexpected moment. It was right in front of me…I was home alone, no one would know and I had plenty of time to get rid of the evidence. The beast in me whispered that it would be okay to have some…that I deserved this reward for enduring sobriety to date. I am not sure how long I sat there staring at it… but later reasoned it had to be at least 38 minutes as the CD I was listening to finally timed out.
I had to actually speak my intention out loud as I walked to the loo with it (NO! NO! NO! FFS NO! NOT THIS TIME!)…(in retrospect I felt rather daft for having done this). I entered the loo, unscrewed the cap and after another final brief moment of hesitation I poured it down the drain…the smell wafted up into my nostrils as I decanted it into the sink…surprisingly I actually had an instant case of the shakes…the same kind I experienced at the counter when fumbling to hand over my money while paying it, the same shakes I had when I pulled my car into the garage, dropped the door and started gulping it down before I even turned off the engine.
I was a bit hesitant to return to the task of cleaning the office…worried I might find another. But in the end I only found 2 well concealed empties. This was an unwanted challenge and an unexpected victory – but I’ll take it. Many in this forum face down this kind of threat multiple times a day…I am not there yet, but inspired by their shares and wanting to get there as well. It won’t be the last temptation but at least I have a “WIN” on the ladder.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Fantastic job, Cartman. Usually the longer we think about it and wrestle with the AV, the more likely to cave, so I'd say job well done, friend. Definitely take the win, and by the way, I am not particularly religious but often times felt the hands of my higher power intervening on my behalf. I would consider it an act of grace. Take that as you may, but in any case - keep it going!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,572
I'm glad you read the message contained in that bottle Cartman. You read it correctly. "NO! NO! NO! FFS NO! NOT THIS TIME!." And you tipped it out. Congratulations. That's not an easy thing to do, but when it's done the relief is palpable. A turning point, for sure.
A big big win, Cartman.
A big big win, Cartman.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I have heard these stories of almost giving into temptation before. They are often associated with mindlessly picking up a bottle of wine in a grocery store, and having one of those, "What was I thinking," moments at checkout, followed by either going back to the shelf with the bottle our pouring it out at home, or even on the way home.
Dealing with it as you did seems like new territory, but most of us have been there... in that "new territory." You took a big step. Congratulations.
Dealing with it as you did seems like new territory, but most of us have been there... in that "new territory." You took a big step. Congratulations.
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