Cartman

Ironically, my alcohol addiction was carefully and successfully hidden from those I spent all my time with (16 hours a day at work) but obvious to the casual and anonymous observers who never spoke more than a few words to me, didn’t even know my name…but saw me several times a week (and eventually several times a day) while I was re-supplying at their establishments and store fronts. Eventually, the rude wakeup call came when EVERY cashier behind the counter at EVERY possible alcohol selling venue in my urban neighborhood made remarks about the both the quantity of raw spirits I purchased/consumed as well as the frequency of purchase. I was convinced that in this city of millions that my specific techniques had made me effectively invisible, untraceable and anonymous – and hence, unaccountable. I sought to prevent any distinct pattern of life or paper trail from forming -- seeking to remain a random customer with no spoken words, no relationship and no revealing identity.

There were approximately 12 different vendors near home that I frequented on a purposely random rotating basis. I would purchase at different times of day and in various personas – whether I was a sweaty mess coming from the gym, smart suit clad from work or in my disheveled slacker hoodie mode that was often used at the end of a long weekend bender. I was always careful to buy a bottle size that could be quickly and physically concealed (375ml, 200ml, 50ml) and never required a separate bag. One feature of my bespoke suits was a special inner suit jacket pocket on the left hand side that was designed to stash and secure (with an innner hidden zipper) a 375ml bottle with no sign that I was “carrying”. The tailor in Singapore asked no probing questions and was happy to accommodate (for an extra fee) this feature – occurred to be later that I was NOT the first customer to ask for it. Another technique to be invisible was the method of payment. I always carried two twenty pound notes on me, folded into quarters as well as an anonymous pre-paid VISA card that I could quickly tap, insert or slide. Finally, I had an entire technique for the purchase itself to ensure that if an acquaintance happened to be in the store or looking into the shop window at the same time I could quickly obscure or explain away what I was doing. If I was not in a bottle shop but instead a convenience store I would grab some items and place them in a basket and use them to conceal the purchase of hard seltzer or cider, revealing it only at the counter and quickly swooping it into my backpack. The non-alcohol items I would purchase were always larger and distracting (many of my co-workers received flowers in the morning) after such a trip. Next came the technique of asking for a 375ml of spirits that was ALWAYS stored behind the counter. This technique was used at gas stations and convenience stores in the morning and evening when there was heavy patronage, a somewhat crabby or knackered cashier and a real possibility of running into a neighbor or associate. The technique here was to approach the counter with a handful of stuff (crisps, etc) only to set them aside at the very last minute and asking for the specific flask and when the cashier reaches for it to point away from it towards something else behind the counter (lottery scheme, smokes works well) the attendant hands the bottle that is immediately stashed and the only record of the transaction is the close circuit camera.

Despite this elaborate phalanx of stagecraft to secretly (every opportunity I could) score alcohol I had some amazingly close calls where the techniques were the only thing that concealed my addiction from the people who knew me well. I exited a convenience store once with nothing in my hands (suit pocket) only to see that an office mate had spotted me and waited patiently for me outside. I was a bit startled and he quickly asked…”I saw you in line waiting forever…what did you buy?” I quickly answered “I forgot my ATM card and only had a 100 pound note and needed change…I had to plead with them to do it without requiring a purchase”. There were other times when I took huge risk because I needed to feed my habit. These included going out late at night in several REALLY dangerous cities to score a bottle – in a city where I spoke not a word of the language but had currency. Turns out store owners understand addiction in any language. During a lengthy stay in one distant city I found one store nearby that had cheap spirits and was easy access. I bought a bottle when they opened and one at the end of the day. At day 4 the woman behind the counter said “you drink too much…it bad”.

Which brings me to one of the many bottoming out moments. Like most addicts I had managed to convince myself that varied patterns and techniques in the area around my home (large urban city) were fooling everybody…I was completely wrong. One by one the cashiers all started to make comments that revealed they knew I had a serious problem. A kind woman who worked odd shifts at one store, but had seen me so many times buy the same thing said “hadn’t seen you for a while and thought maybe you had found a way to quit this stuff”. At a different place I bought two large overproof ciders and the kid behind the counter said “cutting back I see…you usually get three”. This started happening more and more. My inflated and dangerous ego …along with a never ending buzz had convinced myself that none of these seemingly insignificant people could figure it out. The final humiliation/wakeup was when I recently visited my barber for a bi-monthly trim. I fell sound asleep in the chair at 2pm on a Thursday afternoon. He finished and struggled to wake me. I awoke, made a joke and offered that I had been on a business call all night to Asia. The truth was that I had downed most of a 375ml during 3 trips to the loo while waiting for my haircut appointment. The barber is an older guy, a veteran pensioner – he gently put his hand on my shoulder and quietly said “(FFS) try to lay off the stuff or get yourself some help”. I was speechless…and later (and still) very ashamed. I don’t go near any of these places now…Sometimes in defiant moments I want to walk in and buy just a liter of milk and nothing else to show I am not “that guy”…but I don’t dare. The voice of strangers, unknowingly crowd shocked me into coherence of who I was and how bad it had gotten. They all have tough lives I am sure...but they are not to be pitied, instead I am the one they view as pitiful. Thank God for anonymous strangers.

Dee74

I think we all had various methods to try and conceal the extent of our drinking and ended up fooling no body (at least in my case).
I used to dwell on that stuff but I dont anymore...I forget it at my peril, sure, but it doesn't weigh me down anymore.

I hope you'll get to that point too Cartman

D

fishkiller

We are not that person anymore.
That's what matters

Alpine

I had my rotation of stores as well and thought I was being quite cleaver and that nobody was aware. In the end I was only "fooling" myself, and I used to get looks from the store employees which made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. I don't think about it too much anymore and am almost at 1 year. You can do this, and do whatever it takes. I wish you the very best.

Shamrock51

One of my most powerful moments was about 6 months ago I went into a convenience store and spoke to a woman who always sold me beer. My appearance has improved so much she literally didn't recognize me. I told her I got sober and she came around the corner and hugged me.

Focus on the now, not the past. Be sober now. It is all that matters.

DriGuy

Liquor providers are like psychiatrists and doctors when it comes to provider/client confidentiality. If they ever leaked this information out and it got back to you, they would lose your business. Your secrets are safe with your liquor store clerk and most bar tenders, who really don't pay much attention to you in the first place. So we still spread our business around with the end result being more providers know our dirty little secret. But it makes us feel like we're sly devils pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.

biminiblue

What?

I hope you're being sarcastic there...

I was in the hospitality business for 20 years. We talked about all the alcoholics, and there were quite a few of them in "Their" barstool daily! There is no anonymity or protection, We even tried to cut them off or convince them to drink less and that's a whole other topic. Legally in my state we can't sell/serve to intoxicated customers.

As a proprietor or bartender, there's no way to NOT pay attention to all their life's woes. They make sure to share every single detail.. I would have far rather had them drink somewhere else for all the misery they shared and drama they caused. Mostly I tried to ignore them and stay far away.

Eddiebuckle

Cartman, you are not pitiful but rather fortunate. A day may come where you cross paths with that barber and thank him for his courage and kindness. It would have been easier for him to turn a blind eye, but instead he gently suggested a solution. Today you live in the solution, and in time may become the solution for another who is walking the path you once did.

Pondlady

Exhausting isn't it?!

FiveTries

I just want to be accountable to and for myself. In AA I heard that, 'what other people think of me is none of my business'.

Hope you find your way out.

Anna

As Pondy said, it's exhausting.

DriGuy

Oops! Busted! Yes that was part sarcasm and whole lot of literary license. Something in the thread just made me do it. Even when I was writing that, I was asking myself, "Why am I writing this?" Temporary demonic possession, probably.

overforty

I used to think that most people didn't know I'm an alcoholic.
I wasn't a turn up drunk to work type but I was always hungover, short tempered, impatient and clock watching.
And that was all held inside until I ran out the doors at the end of the day to the supermarket to buy wine always 2 bottles every day which I topped up with a litre of gin every week plus more if I was out or away.
I used to walk in my house and pour wine immediately before I'd even got changed.
The only difference is the shop assistants probably didn't know or care as in the UK there are self service checkouts everywhere that are run by teenagers that couldn't care less what you're buying.
But the point I'm making is that the people closest to me and the people I worked with all knew - I wasn't fooling anyone.
I can spot a heavy drinker a mile away, we have a look about us.

Steely

I met a bloke once who had all of the sharp corners on his furniture covered with carpet so that when he fell he would't hurt himself.

I'm so glad to be free of bottle shop encounters. Oh, the shame. Has gone.

Delilah1

I think we have all done similar things. I remember buying a ton of wine on sale at the grocery store and the cashier asked if I was having a big party. I lied and said yes.

I am glad I am no longer that person.

DriGuy

That may not have been a lie. You just did a semantic shift with the definition of "party." The Cashier may have just been giving you a chance to cover your tracks.