You stop, they start or increase?
 

Hi there everyone,

I have fodder for a million counseling sessions, but I wanted to throw this out there, for I have a feeling I am not alone.

I have been a drinker since I was a teenager, and never really understood my drinking until I was much, much older. To sum it up, a lot of getting intoxicated had to do with escaping from trauma of life issues in my past when I was young (trauma). I realized this in about 2018 and began my journey in counseling and then committed to quitting drinking during the pandemic. I was successful, and I am a big believer in God but I put a lot of hard work in myself.

My question is this: I have read a lot about this, but wonder if anyone here can relate. I have been married to my wife for 24 years and we met when we were very young. We have an amazing relationship. She was always the sober one and just saw through my drinking and loved me and supported me through the years and the tears....she was a normal drinker......until I stopped drinking.

Ever since I stopped drinking, she began to drink more. Now, we are addressing this in counseling, and it stems more from just worry she won't know me anymore as a sober person or I will no longer be in love,.

But..........have any of you experienced that when you actually quit drinking that your spouse, partner, or loved ones actually increased their drinking? If so, what do you attribute this to?

I haven't had that specific thing happen...but I do know a little somethin'-somethin' about women and alcohol because I was a middle aged drinking woman.

I know that alcohol use increases with time for most people, but especially for people that are prone to mental health issues like anxiety or depression or who have alcohol use issues in their families/friends.

The other thing is that in today's society a woman who is getting older is going through a lot of big life issues that are cumulative and cause fear in general about losing her looks, kids, family (parents,) job insecurity, finances, health, etc. Plus depending on her age, there is the whole change-of-life hormonal storm of menopause. I wouldn't put the blame on yourself in any way. She has increased her drinking because she is a drinker - and maybe, just maybe, she was always drinking more than you actually noticed when you drank yourself. Don't blame yourself.

I hope she sees the error in her ways before it becomes a real problem. All you can do is be the best version of you.

I can speak as the former spouse of an alcoholic man who tragically died of the disease. He never found long-term sobriety, but exposure to his drinking certainly changed the way that I drank in complicated ways. Especially after he passed.

For me, also having married very young, some part of my brain came to associate my husband’s drinking as escape. I alternated between hating it (“Why can’t we just be happy together!?!?”) and craving it for myself (“If anyone around here deserves some escape, it’s me!”) I resented him for having access to escape, and eventually, came to access it more often myself.

I also think that relationships with alcoholics can lead “normal” drinkers to think of addiction as black/white. “I am NOT that bad.” “I would never drink like that!” etc…..I had certainly developed a bit of a “holier than thou” mindset about alcohol, and THAT is dangerous. Alcohol is addictive. Anyone can become addicted. I did.

My ex didn’t CAUSE my addiction, but we are all changed by our exposure to disordered drinking. Your wife has been changed by yours. That doesn’t mean that calamity will ensue, but there will be individual work for her to do (if she wants to do it).

It's great that you are in counseling. Your wife is likely to have some issues that she needs to work out and may want to consider checking out AlAnon too.

Keep in mind that there is a type of alcoholic who is simply physically, mentally, and spiritually different from others who are not alcoholic or who are not alcoholics of that type. Importantly, this is a state of being that someone can cross into later in life. As the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells us: "At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail." Furthermore, I've come to conclude that for this type of alcoholic there is no solution other than fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Again, from the Big Book: "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program ...." If your wife has become that type of alcoholic, then all the counseling in the world won't solve her problem without A.A.

Counselling sounds like a good idea and I hope it helps your wife with her concerns. It's understandable that she doesn't quite know what to expect at this point. The main thing, I think, is communication as the two of you work through this.

This is interesting.
I struggled on and off with alcohol abuse for a decade or more. When I would quit, my focus would be on someone else's side of the street. My spouse and I drank together and so I noticed his drinking a lot more when I was not actively drinking. It was hard for me to learn that the only thing I needed to focus on was me and the path I was walking.

This time around in sobriety, two and half years later, my spouse still drinks but I really have no issues at all with it. We address whatever we need to as we go.
If your spouses drinking is affecting you to a degree that is unhealthy for you then maybe its time to re-think, re-access, make some changes, etc for you.
I told myself that I would address my marriage after I had some solid recovery time. Turns out, the only thing we need to address is the fact that he keeps leaving the lawn mower out in the rain.

I hope Im getting across what I am trying to say here...... Its just not our business what other people chose to do. I mean that in a respectful and personal boundary kind of way. I feel much better about me when I am not concerned with him and his drinking.

She is affecting me, definitely. It almost feels as though I am now having to give 100% and she does not put forth effort. There are other factors at play. A year ago she lost a wonderful job and there was a lot of depression associated with that. We are at the point of thinking that she should just retire because the job hunt has gotten so outrageous.

We have discussed this many times personally as well as in therapy. It is almost as though "I cared for you now it's your turn." I have read in literature before that it is not uncommon for a spouse who drinks less to drink more when their spouse quits drinking for various reasons. At first I wondered if it was because she was afraid she would not know me anymore as a sober person or that I would not love her. Not it seems as though it is more.

I definitely feel that her drinking has gotten to the point of being a problem. The timing is just too uncanny. It is also scary because she is very bright and we have been together for so long. I have had a lot of great things happen to me since I have gotten sober, and I even have some people in my family who seem a little irritated by it. It is as though, "He couldn't get his life together and now that he has everything is roses for him." Almost as though I should have had some punitive period. To me, my punitive period was my life of misery. She has definitely said things like, "There were times when you drank when I seriously considered us not being able to continue." I was just reading the thread that Hodd wrote and it was oddly familiar.

I'm very direct and I have spoken directly about it. I am young and close to retirement and I think there is some resentment there as well (she is 12 years older than I). Again, all things that have been addressed in counseling together.

I would never have ever expected her to start drinking a lot. She just never did when we met or when I drank. Always a very light drinker. Not so at this point. I have a therapeutic background and it is as though she is being helpless so that I will care for her. If that is the deeper intent, it is not working. The resentment has built and built and this has allll been addressed. No changes. Very concerning.

It is also worth mentioning that I probably seemed like a person who would 100% never quit drinking. I have shocked many people who know me, as I am a substantially different person now. I was one of those people who said they would quit drinking one day and the next thing you know I was in my mid 40s and had never done it, so it seemed highly unlikely. When the pandemic struck, I saw it as a unique opportunity to make a fundamental change in my life and I have really not looked back. I suppose from an outside standpoint it seems nothing short of extraordinary but I have brought a lot of light back into the lives of those whom I have hurt and have made a lot of reparations. I am also extremely happy right now. I have not been this happy since I was about 15 years old, before I started any sort of abuse of any sort.

Its easier said then to do.....

You have to take care of you. As we all know, no one stops drinking unless they are ready to stop. No amount of talking, therapy, or pleading will change this situation. Your partner has to come to the conclusion that she is ready to change. It sounds like she is not ready for that change. If she were, I dont think you would be having this conversation here.

We all change and grow and sometimes that growth is not in the same direction.

I do know that you are meant to be happy, content, and live your life according to your values. You do have the answers. We all have the answers for our life. I do not believe its your turn to deal with this or to take care of ....or whatever that conversation is. You dont owe your partner a pass just because she chose to stay with you when you were drinking. That sounds....Manipulative in some way. I dont know if thats the right word? It doesnt sound right though. I cant sign on to that way of thinking.

We show up as our authentic selves, taking care of ourselves, and hopefully building our lives together. You have a fork in your road. Some decisions to make. I do think you will make the right decisions for your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. You sound very clear and you know what it is you need. I hear this in your postings.

Thank you. I definitely feel a lot of indebtedness, but that is starting to wear thin. This is not the person I met right now. I just don't know what will be, but I know that my sobriety comes first and I must be happy. I'm scared because she's the love of my life.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing the most you can.

Today was a good day for me, but it was not a good day once I got home. I have an amazing career, and one in which I can retire in three years if I wish, but I believe I will want to work longer. Right now three years is long enough to look in the future because that is how long I have been sober. I got home around 4pm and my wife was sleeping. She awakened for a bit and we had a wonderful conversation. I had an evening presentation from 6-7 to do, so I scarfed down an easy dinner and only stayed until about 5:30. My wife and I had wonderful conversations about the day. She had done a few things around the house, but had not followed up on a part-time employment opportunity that she promised she would do this week, which is very atypical of her, as she is, or used to be, very type A. I left for my meeting at 6. The meeting and presentation ran long, so it was not over until 7:30. I am not usually late, so I called as I headed to the store for a few items and she was did not answer, which is also atypical. We text a couple of times a day and usually have a brief call.

I went to the store and picked up a few items and arrived about 7:50. When I walked in, she was at the kitchen table, and I could tell that she had been drinking wine. I didn't say anything and we had a pretty pleasant conversation. She was no way intoxicated to the point where she was slurring, and perhaps the average person wouldn't notice, but we've been together for 24 years, so I noticed. I ate a few bites more, since I had scarfed down just a little before my evening presentation.

I nodded off about 9pm and woke up at 11:30. I wake up a lot. Usually, she is asleep by then, but tonight she was quite intoxicated. We talked for a little bit, but she did not make much sense. She was a bit combative because I was saying things and she was not making connections, or giving slightly-off answers. After just about 30 minutes she decided to go to sleep, as she was clearly frustrated with me. I told her I was disappointed that she drank today and did not follow-up on the job prospect. I got a curt, "Well, it just didn't get done..."

So here I sit, getting ready to go to bed soon, and wondering how things got to this point. I'm thinking over my life which seems to have only really begun about three years ago when I took the sobriety plunge, and I am resentful that I will get up tomorrow morning and leave while she is asleep, and likely come home and she will still be sleeping. Likely nothing will have gotten done, and I will have a weekend of chores and various things to attend to that she did not get accomplished this week. What she accomplished this week was drinking.

Folks, I know a lot of you are thinking, "This has every sign that you must not stay in this environment", and I would not disagree. I just don't know how things got to this point, and it hearkens back to my original question of, why would someone start drinking MORE when someone they love gets SOBER? I don't understand it, but I do know it is complex.

I see my individual therapist next week and will talk some of these things through. This is not a sustainable way to live but I love her so much. I cannot, however, sacrifice who I am because I feel like I am now having to pay for my drinking past. As Mizz said, that is flatly manipulative, and not a little bit unstable, it is a lot a bit unstable. It is not "my turn" to live in hell just because she endured me as a drinker. I appreciate what she did for me, but she did not have to stay--she reminds me of this constantly. So, friends, tonight I am weary. But I do know one thing.....change must come. This is not a life I can abide by. Goodnight all and happy sober weekend in a few hours.
Shamrock.

Ive been thinking about your post this morning and then into the afternoon. These answers are not black and white and they do take a great deal of time to sort out. A lot of investment on all levels. Coming to terms with what is. Change is inevitable and hopefully the change will come in the ways that are truly beneficial for all involved. I'm sorry you are in this position and you are faced with this challenge. We are meant to overcome our challenges and I just know you will win over this. Winter always turns to spring.

Thanks so much, Mizz. A couple of threads were very poignant to me today, and I have come to realize that I need a change. I hope my wife is willing to walk that road with me, and if she is willing to work on her life and our marriage I am all-in, but I've no more time to waste. I lived my life in a fog, including our marriage. She honestly did not drink like this when I was drinking, so I truly do not know the genesis of it. But, what I do know is that I deserve to have a life, and hopefully that includes her in it. We do not have children.

My heart goes out to you Shamrock. It is hard.

Like quitting drinking, (removing toxic things), once we are aware, we cannot become unaware.

You are awake, and aware.

Quitting drinking is self love.

Picking up her slack this weekend is enabling her, isn’t it?

I am so sorry.

Why is she drinking more? Because she passed the line. She’s addicted to an addicting substance, and IT is more important to her than you. It’s hurtful to realize.

Big hugs as you process things.

It bothers me that my wife still drinks even thought almost 11 months ago I entered rehab for alcohol treatment; I have have been sober since. She even posts stupid memes on social media about "Mommy's wine" and other BS stuff like that really hurts me but that is her choice. She is a normal drinker but I do question why she has to have to have the 1-2 glasses of wine every single night? Early on it really bothered me that she would point a finger at me about my drinking while she was un-corking a bottle of wine. Perhaps that it why I don't live with her anymore. She refused any family or individual counseling and as far as I know, she has never attended an al anon meeting. Again, that is her choice, not mine. I didn't get sober because I wanted to but now that I have sobriety, I will protect it at all cost. Even it it means losing my wife forever.

Thanks so much, Free2bme888. I AM now aware, and I am. not OK with it. Last night I got home so exhausted from work and the work week. I worked SO hard this week. She did nothing. I had left one dish in the sink before I left for work and she did not even wash it. We have lived in a meticulous home until now. I am cleaning today because I will not live in anything less.

We had pizza together last night but she was having wine. She wasn't very intoxicated but, once again, I woke up at about 11:30 last night after falling asleep and she was considerably more intoxicated. I just got up quietly and went to bed in a guest room upstairs. I've never done this before. I didn't even say anything as I went to sleep to her. It was very hard to do, but she knew exactly why I was doing it.

Throughout her unemployment (which occurred not due to drinking but economic downturn) she has spent a lot of money she had in her personal 401K, but I have been handling all bills for the last 15 months. She of course has our card for "house money" for groceries, etc, but I pretty much do all the grocery shopping now.

My birthday is Monday and we have a big family affair. I will not have it ruined but when I wake up Tuesday she's in for a big surprise. I'm taking that card away. I am not working at hard as I have for 27 years at the same job for her to buy wine daily and get drunk on my dime. It is not happening anymore. If she wants to continue to drink she can continue to break into her 401K. I am also having a very serious discussion with her next week. We are supposed to go to Georgia for Easter, and if she intends to drink, I am visiting my family alone and she can visit her family here in Florida. I'm just not going to expose my family to the possibility that she might get drunk in their homes. My family barely drinks, and they are very Southern and will not on Easter. She's not going to sit around the table and be the only one drinking.

I turn 52 and I feel amazing for my age----BECAUSE I am sober. But life is short, and I won't be wasting my 50s on this. It simply is NOT going to happen. I love her, but my heart is starting to feel colder. I do NOT feel sorry for her. I find it intensely selfish, and I should know, that was ME my whole life. I have made my reparations and my drinking career is not HER reason for drinking. I did let her know that last night. Thanks to everyone for their support. It really means a lot to me. I am going to make the changes I need to make. She either will do the work and quit and get treatment or she will not. At this point, I am angry and I am not really giving a damn what she does. I only have control over ME, and my gut says self-preservation all day long. Love to all. Shamrock.

Happy Birthday to you! Another trip around the sun.

It sounds to me like you are about to put boundaries in place. You sorted through what it is you need and now you are going to take action. This is good. I am proud of you. These things are very hard. I personally didn't know about boundaries until last year. People would say "You need boundaries" or "You gotta have boundaries" or whatever they would say and I felt clueless as to what that particular thing looked like. Its easy to throw those words out. Its not easy to identify our boundaries and then to put those boundaries in place. So, we learn.

We aren't born with the map on how to navigate this stuff. Its just good you are navigating, and it sounds to me like you are going about it in the healthiest way possible.

Once again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

What a great birthday gift for yourself!

Shamrock, we are here for you, and many of us have been on both sides of the coin, like you, recovering from a toxic relationship with alcohol, AFTER we became addicted.

For me, in my 30s and 40s, I didn’t problem drink, but slowly, ever so slowly, and then….VERY QUICKLY, I crossed that invisible, sneaky line that we cross called addiction. I had an alcoholic husband, and I didn’t understand why he had to drink Thursday through Tuesday. That was his weekend. (I was so naive, I didn’t realize he was drinking ALL day, every day). When he went to rehab, and everyone in the Al Anon circle at the hospital was answering the posed question, “so what will you do when (not if) your loved one relapses?” All around me, murmurs of “oh, stick by them, understand, ……”. When it came to me, I said, “I’m gone”. And he did, and I was. I think he might be dead now, we didn’t have any children together, thank goodness.

In my 50s, I started to have a couple glasses nightly of wine, and by my late 50s I could EASILY down a bottle daily, and want more. And couldn’t get enough, I wanted to get Drunk.

I couldn’t believe it happened to me. But it did.

And I wanted to get sober for me, like you did, And so I have, and I’m constantly trying to better myself, and give myself the love and care I deserve, and I do. It feels great.

So I served both roles, the “holier than thou” , and then became the sneaky, lying, deceitful drunk myself.

The role I like best is taking care of, and loving, myself —as a sober person, and consequently, my life is pretty good. Stressful, not perfect, but pretty good because my soul feels cared for.

Big hugs, Shamrock ♥️🤓