Hello from a brit newbie. This is my story...
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: DFW TX
Posts: 24
Hello from a brit newbie. This is my story...
Dear readers,
Hi my name shall remain anonymous if that 's ok but I am thirty and I am male. I apologise in advance for the length of this post...
My wife (of 11 months) found this site for me and while I am not sure of things it has been my choice to post on here and see if there are any like-minded souls, rather than an ultimatum from my wife. I notice there is a member with a similar avatar to mine who is located in Devon, UK. That's my part of the world although I now live in Texas as I was given an opportunity to work abroad with the company that I work for.
My DOC is weed (preferably skunk over hashish but I will smoke anything!). It always has been although I remember the first time I smoked it, spring of 1991, the drug spun me right out and I hated the feeling! Fast forward six months - I had moved to a small village and made friends with some other lads who like me were kicking around just having finished GCSEs (that's the exams we take in the UK at age 16, for the US readers!) and generally being bored and skint during the summer. One day one of the group knew someone a bit older and said we could get some hash. Between 6 or 7 of us it was less than the cost of 10 ciggys to chip in so we did. My gf at the time had a big house and gardens and it was a lovely sunny day. We got pretty wasted that day and everything was A-OK.
I still remember those days like it was yesterday...why I am getting emotional now I don't know...
By chance, the little group of teeny smokers had all chosen the same college, although I had gone to a different school to the rest of the group. I chose 3 A levels. I completed only 2, two years later. One of our group started going to raves with another circle of friends - I didn't understand the attraction to this at the time and thought he was mad going to airfields and forests in the middle of the night to take synthetic drugs (which I didnt trust at that point) with all sorts of 'sketchy' people there. This lad went to his raves, we progressed onto doing acid and doing what young people on acid do - going to the woods at night, hanging out at the house of whoever's parents were away, etc. As the rave scene got more popular there was more demand and a couple of clubs started having DJ nights. There were a couple near us "Pawlett Manor" in Somerset and a place in Cullompton in Devon ( I forget the name of the place now, Verbeer maybe). I'd always liked that sort of music and after a while we all started going - as a young looking 17 year old there was no way I would get into a conventional nightclub and as I'd done a bit of acid by then going clubbing with half a g of billy (methamphetamine) seemed ok to me. They were notorious at Pawlett for letting people under 18 in, although I never tried to buy alcohol. Of course, I wouldn't put anything up my nose or touch E (ecstacy) and I was having a great time. I felt a bit safer in the 'controlled' environment of a building I suppose.
The organised raves (Eclipse, Universe) started and I went to a couple. The first one was amazing, and I started doing E's as well. I was always REALLY careful about drinking water, and was aware of all the risks, and I never recognised any side effects other than the odd bit of paranoia for a long time. Eighteenth birthdays came and we all realised we didn't like the conventional pub and nightclub scene. Alcohol caused too much violence and I remember being frightened by guys older and bigger than me - it just didn't seem worth it compared to the 'safe haven' of happy E'd-up clubbers at Pawlett.
So on we went. Out of the group, only two of us made it to Uni. D went to Manchester, I went to Plymouth (there was a great club there, y'see, The Plymouth Warehouse).
Lo and behold I carried on with my DOC, hash, and got into the drinking scene a little, well I had too, it's compulsory when you are a student, right?!!
I soon met some friends who were into smoking and clubbing (raving). I became best buddies with a lad on my course in the 2nd year and we were just a real influence on eachother, if ya know what I mean. My 21st birthday was a weeklong celebration of class A's (speed and E) and we clubbed it every night that week, except for the Sunday. By the time I left Uni the paranoia had become a problem and I was in a relationship which was being ruined. That, and starting work calmed me right down on the synthetics but I started smoking more and more. I began to smoke daily, as did my partner at the time. We did the odd E here and there, and I was always ok when it was just the two of us, I mean paranoia-wise. Well, it didn't work out for a number of reasons and I moved away from Devon to sort my life/head out. From this point on I did my drugs alone. I smoked weed every day, and did the odd E here and there (I mean like a total of maybe 50 in the last 5 years, but I was snorting them by this point).
Moving to Texas made me have to go straight for a while - I had no connect but that wasn't a problem as I am lucky to earn enough to jump on a plane to Amsterdam as much as I needed to. I went to Amsterdam twice in three months before I met a connect here in TX through a girlfriend. Pretty expensive measures for a smoke I hear you say...
Sixteen years on I am not sure what or who I am. While I have been as ratty as hell and craved nearly every day, I've not smoked weed since May, other than a brief relapse during November where I got through an ounce or so. My wife caught me with it (the sad thing is she worked out that I was on it again because I became all happy and laid back again) and threatened to leave me and go back to the UK. She says it is more the deceit and hiding of it than the actual smoking again, although it was because of her concerns that I was smoking too much I offered to give it up in May. I was smoking an ounce a week of what the locals here call schwag (low quality marijuana) by this stage. But because I have spent my whole life smoking away I don't really have any friends and that is because I don't really have any interests or hobbies. Maybe it is because I now have no stimulus that since giving up smoking weed in May I have been a nightmare; mood swings, short tempered, etc. While I have had a couple of evenings where I have hammered the whiskey, I have tried not to let alcohol take over as a crutch, but I think I can resist that as it makes me even more moody and short tempered! Plus, my Grandad was an alocholic and Mum is a recovering alcoholic so I know the damage it causes. In fact I don't really enjoy being drunk, it is just a (poor) substitute for weed.
I have always been a bit intolerant and short tempered but I guess all the time smoking weed made me a different person, someone who can let things ride and, ahem, "chill". Since I stopped smoking weed regularly I try my best not to get wound up. It is so much easier when I am smoking, everything is so much easier to deal with and I don't get wound up at all really. The trouble is is that I love smoking. I don't like spending money on it and I don't like having to deal with people for it - I even started to grow earlier this year until wifey pointed out the drug laws here in Texas (let's just say you can get away with murder in the UK in comparison) and that it would of course put her at risk, as an accessory to my breaking the law.
I want to give up, but at the same time I don't want to. Like another lady wrote on this site in the friends of users thread about her boyfriend, I don't smoke to get wasted now - I just smoke a little bit to feel a small buzz. Hell I might have been smoking an ounce of schwag a week but I was mixing it with tobacco and I never smoke bongs or pipes anymore (showing my age now lol).
I remember telling my parents that weed wasn't addictive when they found out I smoked it (not long after I started, bless 'em, they werent stupid) and that they should be thankful I was doing that rather than being brought home by the police pissed out of my head!
I mean, maybe it isn't that addictive to some people and yes I know some people go there whole lives just having the odd smoke here and there but I am not sure if I could stick to that or not - I feel the smoking weed got out of control because I didn't go out and have other interests and such. I mean these days I can take or leave the class A's (I last did an E about 18 months ago and wouldn't be bothered if I never did another, and the same with alcohol).
Anyway, I hope there is someone out there who knows where I am coming from and can give me some advice. I hope my 'I'm not sure if I want to give it up but I don't want to lose my wife either' cavalier attitude hasn't upset anyone either. I am here to be honest...
Hi my name shall remain anonymous if that 's ok but I am thirty and I am male. I apologise in advance for the length of this post...
My wife (of 11 months) found this site for me and while I am not sure of things it has been my choice to post on here and see if there are any like-minded souls, rather than an ultimatum from my wife. I notice there is a member with a similar avatar to mine who is located in Devon, UK. That's my part of the world although I now live in Texas as I was given an opportunity to work abroad with the company that I work for.
My DOC is weed (preferably skunk over hashish but I will smoke anything!). It always has been although I remember the first time I smoked it, spring of 1991, the drug spun me right out and I hated the feeling! Fast forward six months - I had moved to a small village and made friends with some other lads who like me were kicking around just having finished GCSEs (that's the exams we take in the UK at age 16, for the US readers!) and generally being bored and skint during the summer. One day one of the group knew someone a bit older and said we could get some hash. Between 6 or 7 of us it was less than the cost of 10 ciggys to chip in so we did. My gf at the time had a big house and gardens and it was a lovely sunny day. We got pretty wasted that day and everything was A-OK.
I still remember those days like it was yesterday...why I am getting emotional now I don't know...
By chance, the little group of teeny smokers had all chosen the same college, although I had gone to a different school to the rest of the group. I chose 3 A levels. I completed only 2, two years later. One of our group started going to raves with another circle of friends - I didn't understand the attraction to this at the time and thought he was mad going to airfields and forests in the middle of the night to take synthetic drugs (which I didnt trust at that point) with all sorts of 'sketchy' people there. This lad went to his raves, we progressed onto doing acid and doing what young people on acid do - going to the woods at night, hanging out at the house of whoever's parents were away, etc. As the rave scene got more popular there was more demand and a couple of clubs started having DJ nights. There were a couple near us "Pawlett Manor" in Somerset and a place in Cullompton in Devon ( I forget the name of the place now, Verbeer maybe). I'd always liked that sort of music and after a while we all started going - as a young looking 17 year old there was no way I would get into a conventional nightclub and as I'd done a bit of acid by then going clubbing with half a g of billy (methamphetamine) seemed ok to me. They were notorious at Pawlett for letting people under 18 in, although I never tried to buy alcohol. Of course, I wouldn't put anything up my nose or touch E (ecstacy) and I was having a great time. I felt a bit safer in the 'controlled' environment of a building I suppose.
The organised raves (Eclipse, Universe) started and I went to a couple. The first one was amazing, and I started doing E's as well. I was always REALLY careful about drinking water, and was aware of all the risks, and I never recognised any side effects other than the odd bit of paranoia for a long time. Eighteenth birthdays came and we all realised we didn't like the conventional pub and nightclub scene. Alcohol caused too much violence and I remember being frightened by guys older and bigger than me - it just didn't seem worth it compared to the 'safe haven' of happy E'd-up clubbers at Pawlett.
So on we went. Out of the group, only two of us made it to Uni. D went to Manchester, I went to Plymouth (there was a great club there, y'see, The Plymouth Warehouse).
Lo and behold I carried on with my DOC, hash, and got into the drinking scene a little, well I had too, it's compulsory when you are a student, right?!!
I soon met some friends who were into smoking and clubbing (raving). I became best buddies with a lad on my course in the 2nd year and we were just a real influence on eachother, if ya know what I mean. My 21st birthday was a weeklong celebration of class A's (speed and E) and we clubbed it every night that week, except for the Sunday. By the time I left Uni the paranoia had become a problem and I was in a relationship which was being ruined. That, and starting work calmed me right down on the synthetics but I started smoking more and more. I began to smoke daily, as did my partner at the time. We did the odd E here and there, and I was always ok when it was just the two of us, I mean paranoia-wise. Well, it didn't work out for a number of reasons and I moved away from Devon to sort my life/head out. From this point on I did my drugs alone. I smoked weed every day, and did the odd E here and there (I mean like a total of maybe 50 in the last 5 years, but I was snorting them by this point).
Moving to Texas made me have to go straight for a while - I had no connect but that wasn't a problem as I am lucky to earn enough to jump on a plane to Amsterdam as much as I needed to. I went to Amsterdam twice in three months before I met a connect here in TX through a girlfriend. Pretty expensive measures for a smoke I hear you say...
Sixteen years on I am not sure what or who I am. While I have been as ratty as hell and craved nearly every day, I've not smoked weed since May, other than a brief relapse during November where I got through an ounce or so. My wife caught me with it (the sad thing is she worked out that I was on it again because I became all happy and laid back again) and threatened to leave me and go back to the UK. She says it is more the deceit and hiding of it than the actual smoking again, although it was because of her concerns that I was smoking too much I offered to give it up in May. I was smoking an ounce a week of what the locals here call schwag (low quality marijuana) by this stage. But because I have spent my whole life smoking away I don't really have any friends and that is because I don't really have any interests or hobbies. Maybe it is because I now have no stimulus that since giving up smoking weed in May I have been a nightmare; mood swings, short tempered, etc. While I have had a couple of evenings where I have hammered the whiskey, I have tried not to let alcohol take over as a crutch, but I think I can resist that as it makes me even more moody and short tempered! Plus, my Grandad was an alocholic and Mum is a recovering alcoholic so I know the damage it causes. In fact I don't really enjoy being drunk, it is just a (poor) substitute for weed.
I have always been a bit intolerant and short tempered but I guess all the time smoking weed made me a different person, someone who can let things ride and, ahem, "chill". Since I stopped smoking weed regularly I try my best not to get wound up. It is so much easier when I am smoking, everything is so much easier to deal with and I don't get wound up at all really. The trouble is is that I love smoking. I don't like spending money on it and I don't like having to deal with people for it - I even started to grow earlier this year until wifey pointed out the drug laws here in Texas (let's just say you can get away with murder in the UK in comparison) and that it would of course put her at risk, as an accessory to my breaking the law.
I want to give up, but at the same time I don't want to. Like another lady wrote on this site in the friends of users thread about her boyfriend, I don't smoke to get wasted now - I just smoke a little bit to feel a small buzz. Hell I might have been smoking an ounce of schwag a week but I was mixing it with tobacco and I never smoke bongs or pipes anymore (showing my age now lol).
I remember telling my parents that weed wasn't addictive when they found out I smoked it (not long after I started, bless 'em, they werent stupid) and that they should be thankful I was doing that rather than being brought home by the police pissed out of my head!
I mean, maybe it isn't that addictive to some people and yes I know some people go there whole lives just having the odd smoke here and there but I am not sure if I could stick to that or not - I feel the smoking weed got out of control because I didn't go out and have other interests and such. I mean these days I can take or leave the class A's (I last did an E about 18 months ago and wouldn't be bothered if I never did another, and the same with alcohol).
Anyway, I hope there is someone out there who knows where I am coming from and can give me some advice. I hope my 'I'm not sure if I want to give it up but I don't want to lose my wife either' cavalier attitude hasn't upset anyone either. I am here to be honest...
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Welcome Groove!
You have to decide what your doc has done for you? How does it truly make you feel to be dependent on it? To realize without it your more moody and irritable, to realise you've not really enjoyed anything but being high? (Typical hold or doc has on us, doesn't allow but one passion). Lastly, you have to want to quit for you, not the wife, family, or job, just you, without that your not ready, and that's cool to. If you want to you can, if you want to see what else is out there, what other awesome things there are to be had, what other things you can be interested in it's all still possible. Doesn't seem to me like you could be the "moderate" user, just like I wish I could be a moderate drinker.
My heyday started in Europe and I ended up here in Texas as well. I couldn't find the hash and other lovely smokables I enjoyed, nor get the effect I chased once back here and I became full blown alcoholic, with the occasional skunk weed to suffice. Pretty soon I physically craved, demanded, and found no joy so I thought, without it. It WILL only get worse, you'll probably do alcohol, other pills, whatever maintenance, eventually to substitute you doc, but ya know what dude, you have to get there when you get there, you have to really want to quit because your sick and tired of it, and like I said, if your not there yet, that's cool to.
Maybe sticking around here long enough, we'll get to grow on you and your time of acceptance will come on sooner than later. You can hang out here with us as long as you can stand us!
Again, welcome, we are glad your here.
You have to decide what your doc has done for you? How does it truly make you feel to be dependent on it? To realize without it your more moody and irritable, to realise you've not really enjoyed anything but being high? (Typical hold or doc has on us, doesn't allow but one passion). Lastly, you have to want to quit for you, not the wife, family, or job, just you, without that your not ready, and that's cool to. If you want to you can, if you want to see what else is out there, what other awesome things there are to be had, what other things you can be interested in it's all still possible. Doesn't seem to me like you could be the "moderate" user, just like I wish I could be a moderate drinker.
My heyday started in Europe and I ended up here in Texas as well. I couldn't find the hash and other lovely smokables I enjoyed, nor get the effect I chased once back here and I became full blown alcoholic, with the occasional skunk weed to suffice. Pretty soon I physically craved, demanded, and found no joy so I thought, without it. It WILL only get worse, you'll probably do alcohol, other pills, whatever maintenance, eventually to substitute you doc, but ya know what dude, you have to get there when you get there, you have to really want to quit because your sick and tired of it, and like I said, if your not there yet, that's cool to.
Maybe sticking around here long enough, we'll get to grow on you and your time of acceptance will come on sooner than later. You can hang out here with us as long as you can stand us!
Again, welcome, we are glad your here.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Welcome !
I can relate to your story and welcome to SR.You have found a great place of help and support.I stay clean a day at a time thru a 12 step program,NA or AA.I am sure the guy with the same avatar will be along to welcome you soon,God bless ! Trish
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: DFW TX
Posts: 24
Thanks for your reply, Chy
I will continue to hang out here - I don't think I am 'there' yet as for wanting to give up but I think you are right about me being inspired to do it by being here and that is why I am here. I think the thing that frightens me most is using something else like alcohol as a crutch instead of my DOC. I don't know if I would struggle through a recovery as I do not believe in god or any higher being to be honest. I'd rather 'pray' to my best friend who I lost to alcohol at 16 if that makes sense? (he was a diabetic and that + the bottle he drank killed him via a coma)
I will continue to hang out here - I don't think I am 'there' yet as for wanting to give up but I think you are right about me being inspired to do it by being here and that is why I am here. I think the thing that frightens me most is using something else like alcohol as a crutch instead of my DOC. I don't know if I would struggle through a recovery as I do not believe in god or any higher being to be honest. I'd rather 'pray' to my best friend who I lost to alcohol at 16 if that makes sense? (he was a diabetic and that + the bottle he drank killed him via a coma)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hey Groove, welcome!
I was still an inveterate black hash smoker when I honeymooned in Europe.
Loved Amsterdam
Twenty plus years of smoking the stuff daily.
Anyway, I tried cocaine one night, with some friends.
Did three years with the lady. It got ugly.
Finished my stay in the pit with a ten year run with alcohol.
All this to say that in my opinion, the substance of my obsession and compulsion was just that, at any given time.
A substance.
The real problem, all along, was me.
My name's Dan, and I'm a grateful recovering addict.
Glad you're here.
I was still an inveterate black hash smoker when I honeymooned in Europe.
Loved Amsterdam
Twenty plus years of smoking the stuff daily.
Anyway, I tried cocaine one night, with some friends.
Did three years with the lady. It got ugly.
Finished my stay in the pit with a ten year run with alcohol.
All this to say that in my opinion, the substance of my obsession and compulsion was just that, at any given time.
A substance.
The real problem, all along, was me.
My name's Dan, and I'm a grateful recovering addict.
Glad you're here.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: London
Posts: 889
Originally Posted by GrooveArmada
I notice there is a member with a similar avatar to mine who is located in Devon, UK......
Hi Groove
Great to see you here. I'm JC - alcoholic - I noticed you mentioned Cullompton in your post - that's about 20 miles from me. Originally from London though - thought I would "geographical" to Devon for the quiet life and ended up in the rooms of AA. Which, is the best thing I have ever done... but that is my story.
"Using" is the issue for me. My drug of choice is alcohol. I just wanted to blot out life because I couldn't deal with it. Even when I had success (I've worked all over Europe on very lucrative contracts - did a year in Amsterdam ..... I think.....) I would always want to get hammered. Any difficult feelings/issues ..... reach for the release.
I now have discovered, with the help of others, that as Dan has just said, it's me that is the problem, so I'm now working on me. My use of alcohol was a symptom of what was going on inside of me.
Great to see you here. Look forward to your posts and maybe a chat in the chat rooms.
much love
JC
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Hey Groove, My name is Diana, and I am a recovering alcoholic/addict. I live in the great white north Canada.
My doc is also marijuana and it got progressively worse with my using. I had no energy, no motivation, was isolating myself, lost my job, and kept pushing friends, family, and loved ones away.
I finally signed up for a treatment centre a year and a half ago, and it was the best thing I could have done.
This past spring I relapsed after convincing myself that it's just pot, no big deal!
In no time I was having memory problems, isolating again, lacking energy and it was affecting my job and life again. I had a motorcycle accident in July, and couldn't drive to my dealers, so with a full leg cast I hopped on a plane and flew to London (ontario) to visit my family to get more pot. I felt I had to get some because my depression over not being able to walk was so strong. I understand drastic measures to get it, so your story about flying to Amsterdam sounded normal to me. After I returned home and ran out again I decided it was time to get real with myself again. The first couple weeks were hard, but I managed it. I started seeing that when I picked it up again it would have been a matter of time before it would destroy my normal life that I fought so hard to get. So tomorrow I am 4 months clean again.
I understand your desire for it. Our DOC becomes like our best friend. I hope that in time you will see that you really do have a lot to lose by staying on it, and have so much to gain by getting off of it. We don't have to lose it all to quit.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Diana
My doc is also marijuana and it got progressively worse with my using. I had no energy, no motivation, was isolating myself, lost my job, and kept pushing friends, family, and loved ones away.
I finally signed up for a treatment centre a year and a half ago, and it was the best thing I could have done.
This past spring I relapsed after convincing myself that it's just pot, no big deal!
In no time I was having memory problems, isolating again, lacking energy and it was affecting my job and life again. I had a motorcycle accident in July, and couldn't drive to my dealers, so with a full leg cast I hopped on a plane and flew to London (ontario) to visit my family to get more pot. I felt I had to get some because my depression over not being able to walk was so strong. I understand drastic measures to get it, so your story about flying to Amsterdam sounded normal to me. After I returned home and ran out again I decided it was time to get real with myself again. The first couple weeks were hard, but I managed it. I started seeing that when I picked it up again it would have been a matter of time before it would destroy my normal life that I fought so hard to get. So tomorrow I am 4 months clean again.
I understand your desire for it. Our DOC becomes like our best friend. I hope that in time you will see that you really do have a lot to lose by staying on it, and have so much to gain by getting off of it. We don't have to lose it all to quit.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Diana
Last edited by lonlion; 12-19-2004 at 04:22 PM. Reason: addition
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Groove,thats quite a story.I can really relate.Been to Amsterdam a couple times myself.Looks like a few of us have.I didnt wanna leave.I remember when I started smoking weed.Me and my friends,those were the days.At least for a little while.Is weed addictive? I think anything is for an addict. I became addicted to it,and it was also a gateway drug for me.But that could just be me.I am an addict.Anyway,I am glad you have found your way here.This is a great place.You can find a lot of support here and get a lot of opinions.And also run into people from your old home towns too.I see you now met Jaysee from Devon,UK and you are now living in the area where I was raised.Small world.And what a great place SoberRecovery is.
Newbie
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: DFW TX
Posts: 24
Hi JC - I didn't expect to run into you quite this quickly but it's great to hear from you! Thanks very much for your kind words.
Hi Diana and thanks very much for your post. I am glad to hear from someone else whose DOC is marijuana. That helps a lot to know there are others like me out there becuase a lot of weed smokers out there seemed to be able to give up the day they left university. However, I know all on SR have the same problem whether it is alcohol, xanax, the big H or whatever. What bike do you have/did you have? My last bike was a Kawasaki KR1S, before that I had a Z550, and before that a RD350YPVS. When I was learning I had a couple of 125cc's as that is what you had to learn on in the UK when I took my test (It took me three goes to pass mind you!)
Hi again Time2! Good to speak to you in the men's forum (Men's room sounds too ominous lol) and again, thanks for taking the trouble to post to my introduction!
Hi Diana and thanks very much for your post. I am glad to hear from someone else whose DOC is marijuana. That helps a lot to know there are others like me out there becuase a lot of weed smokers out there seemed to be able to give up the day they left university. However, I know all on SR have the same problem whether it is alcohol, xanax, the big H or whatever. What bike do you have/did you have? My last bike was a Kawasaki KR1S, before that I had a Z550, and before that a RD350YPVS. When I was learning I had a couple of 125cc's as that is what you had to learn on in the UK when I took my test (It took me three goes to pass mind you!)
Hi again Time2! Good to speak to you in the men's forum (Men's room sounds too ominous lol) and again, thanks for taking the trouble to post to my introduction!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: The Field of Dreams
Posts: 7,249
Originally Posted by GrooveArmada
Hi again Time2! Good to speak to you in the men's forum (Men's room sounds too ominous lol) and again, thanks for taking the trouble to post to my introduction!
:Lmao
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