what do I do - husband home from inpatient rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 4
what do I do - husband home from inpatient rehab
Not sure if i'm in the right place. I am just desperate for advice.
30 years of marriage. Grown children. Sober for 7 years and then back drinking the last 3 years but now out of inpatient and doing great; working at it like he never has. Therapist, AA, daily meetings, much needed anxiety and depression meds. 2 months sober today.
Before that it was terrible. Highly functioning but the destruction of our marriage. I have gone to Alanon and liked it but felt it was all about staying. I may need help going.
He's doing everything right. Begging to give it another chance. Kind. Patient. But I am dead inside. I've forgiven him but I don't think I can ever allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
I had told myself for the last 3 years of alcohol abuse that I would never do this again. Yet I picked him up from rehab and here I am. I'm disappointed in myself. I am trying to support him. I don't know how to leave someone who is working so hard and doing so well. When I was hating the alcoholic it was easy to plan to leave. But I love him like a damaged human being. Not like a wife loves a husband. And I cant see any way I ever will. Or do I just stay here in my limbo which isn't terrible without abuse and the financial and emotional damage of divorce.
I welcome any thoughts!
30 years of marriage. Grown children. Sober for 7 years and then back drinking the last 3 years but now out of inpatient and doing great; working at it like he never has. Therapist, AA, daily meetings, much needed anxiety and depression meds. 2 months sober today.
Before that it was terrible. Highly functioning but the destruction of our marriage. I have gone to Alanon and liked it but felt it was all about staying. I may need help going.
He's doing everything right. Begging to give it another chance. Kind. Patient. But I am dead inside. I've forgiven him but I don't think I can ever allow myself to be that vulnerable again.
I had told myself for the last 3 years of alcohol abuse that I would never do this again. Yet I picked him up from rehab and here I am. I'm disappointed in myself. I am trying to support him. I don't know how to leave someone who is working so hard and doing so well. When I was hating the alcoholic it was easy to plan to leave. But I love him like a damaged human being. Not like a wife loves a husband. And I cant see any way I ever will. Or do I just stay here in my limbo which isn't terrible without abuse and the financial and emotional damage of divorce.
I welcome any thoughts!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
You have just weathered a 3 year storm, give yourself some breathing room. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life today. For today, live in the present and see how it goes. Doing that you will gather more information about the possibilities for your future, which will make decision making easier tomorrow. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Travel gal, I agree with Nez. You don't need to make a decision now. Take some time, see what happens. It might be a good time to focus on yourself. Try to not put pressure on yourself as to what you 'should' do.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
travel gal - I know just how you're feeling, having been on both sides of this thing.
The dead inside comment is how I felt after many years of ups & downs with my then husband (now deceased, not because of alcohol).
I had always been hopeful, forgiving, & optimistic - we had a young son & a house - were very compatible. I didn't want to lose my best friend. The last time he relapsed I felt entirely different than all the other times. I agree with the others about holding off on making a decision. Be patient with yourself. In my case, he was not able to maintain sobriety so I had no choice but to finallly give up. I hope that will not be the case with your husband. Glad you are here!
The dead inside comment is how I felt after many years of ups & downs with my then husband (now deceased, not because of alcohol).
I had always been hopeful, forgiving, & optimistic - we had a young son & a house - were very compatible. I didn't want to lose my best friend. The last time he relapsed I felt entirely different than all the other times. I agree with the others about holding off on making a decision. Be patient with yourself. In my case, he was not able to maintain sobriety so I had no choice but to finallly give up. I hope that will not be the case with your husband. Glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Recovery can and does happen. I relapsed after 5 years of sobriety. My wife was pretty much in the same place that you find yourself at the moment. Next month, I will celebrate 20 years of sobriety/recovery.
I wouldn't begin to try and tell you what you should do. My story is not meant to sway you one way or the other, just to possibly be a beacon of hope for those who are struggling with alcoholism/addiction and the loved ones caught in the crossfire.
Change can occur. It happened for me. No one can say whether it will or not though.
Sending thoughts of serenity your way.
I wouldn't begin to try and tell you what you should do. My story is not meant to sway you one way or the other, just to possibly be a beacon of hope for those who are struggling with alcoholism/addiction and the loved ones caught in the crossfire.
Change can occur. It happened for me. No one can say whether it will or not though.
Sending thoughts of serenity your way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hi Travel. You may also want to have a look at the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum and post there as well if you like, of course. There are actually a few threads there right now that you can probably relate to.
That forum can be found here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You may be interested in this thread in particular:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...something.html (New and Looking for...Something)
That forum can be found here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You may be interested in this thread in particular:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...something.html (New and Looking for...Something)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 978
I was in the exact same shoes as you many moons ago. Only my ex was into pills. I was severely co-dependent, naieve and clueless and was SURE I could fix him. I stayed and stayed and tried and tried. I stuck with him through rehab after rehab. I did NOT want my kids growing up without a dad. I ended up on the flip side. Never pills, but alcohol became my anxiety fixer. It started out as just a little bit here and there. In the end it overtook me, I left him. My kids grew up without a dad anyway.
You deserve happiness. You've been through a war yourself. I always stayed because I thought I didn't want to miss the rainbow after the massive storm. For me, I was too beaten up that a rainbow wouldn't have mattered. The rainbow never came for him or us. I hope it does for you, but if it doesn't - it's ok to care for yourself and leave if that's what you need to do. I remember always being SO happy when he was in recovery, but SO scared of the other shoe dropping - because it always did.
You deserve happiness. You've been through a war yourself. I always stayed because I thought I didn't want to miss the rainbow after the massive storm. For me, I was too beaten up that a rainbow wouldn't have mattered. The rainbow never came for him or us. I hope it does for you, but if it doesn't - it's ok to care for yourself and leave if that's what you need to do. I remember always being SO happy when he was in recovery, but SO scared of the other shoe dropping - because it always did.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,571
I'm with Behappy on this one travel gal.
All above advice is good, but you deserve life too. You are not responsible for his recovery, he is, whether sober, or not.
I think your Username is very telling. ✈️
All above advice is good, but you deserve life too. You are not responsible for his recovery, he is, whether sober, or not.
I think your Username is very telling. ✈️
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
Look after you. He is not your responsibility. You are responsible for your own self care and wellbeing
Forgive my personal questions. Do you actually love him desire him and want to be with him? Or is it just history and habit and finances and maybe just ok. And as a pp said do you want to see the rainbow after the massive storm?
I think the question is what do you want. What is best for you as a person a woman, just you. Please think of what is best for just you x
Forgive my personal questions. Do you actually love him desire him and want to be with him? Or is it just history and habit and finances and maybe just ok. And as a pp said do you want to see the rainbow after the massive storm?
I think the question is what do you want. What is best for you as a person a woman, just you. Please think of what is best for just you x
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 354
Originally Posted by nez 
You have just weathered a 3 year storm, give yourself some breathing room. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life today. For today, live in the present and see how it goes. Doing that you will gather more information about the possibilities for your future, which will make decision making easier tomorrow. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
I understand feeling like you need to be able to take action now, before things fall apart or something else happens. But it is not your job to carry the whole load. Well, maybe 2% of the load, but really this is your husband's problem, and he should carry the other 98%. Although, some might argue it's 100%. And as others have said. Time, and just time, often solves a lot of problems.
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