dustyfox

(I apologise if this upsets anyone)
My daughter, aged 13, has a best friend who I’ve known for a few years. The mother of this girl is an alcoholic who neglected her daughter and, needless to say, the girl was taken into care at a young age and then passed around by various relatives. The mother drifted around various cities in and out of jobs, homelessness, sofa surfing, sometimes and somehow turning up to try and see her daughter with gifts of money or jewellery. Who knows where she got them from.

So fast forward to today and we hear the news that the mother is now in end-of-life care, having literally drunk herself to death. She is 46. The girl has been told her mother will be dead in weeks.

People respond to this news in different ways, sad of course, or angry or hurt.

For an addict or ex-addict it triggers many emotions. There is an overwhelming sense of relief that I do not drink. There is the memory of shame which lurks beneath the surface of this story. There is a glimpse of loneliness and despair. Seeing the damage that is being done to her daughter is very difficult to witness and re-strengthens my belief that sobriety has been the most powerful gift I have ever been given.

There is no magic wand that can be used to make someone want to be sober, but sometimes, something happens or someone says something or there is a lightbulb moment and it all clicks into place.

46 years old. Drunk herself to death.

I share only in the hope this sad story might be useful to someone in strengthening their resolve, and because it feels like here there will be people who get the complexity of emotion it evokes.

advbike

Very tragic story, Dusty. It makes you wonder what her story was. Was there family trauma, or abuse.. such a young age to die and so much damage done.

This disease is so insidious, and affects so many people in the orbit of the alcoholic. Obviously the young girl is affected, and those around her will be as well, including, in all likelihood, her future family. This is why it tends to run in families.

Thanks for sharing it.

Hevyn

Dusty - I'm glad you told that very sad story. It may help someone see the light. It was almost me.
I'm so grateful we got free.
Prayers for your daughter's friend - that she will not be haunted by this all her life due to her mother's choices.

Anna

Dusty, I'm sorry to hear this and I send prayers of hope for your daughter's friend.

VikingGF

What a terrible situation. I am sometimes so angry that this poison is both easy to get and encouraged by society. I wish everyone could make it out, the world would be such a better place without it. Peace to that family, and to yours, too, dusty.

Hodd

Incredibly sad, dusty. That poor woman would give anything now to turn the clock back and not drink.

A few years ago, I heard a doctor talking about alcoholics. He was asked about those who say it’s their life to do with as they please. The doc responded by saying most of his end-of-life patients ask for more time or even to get better. I was still drinking when I heard that, and it certainly shook me up. Very sad.

least

Yes, it is a very sad story and too familiar.

Zencat

It does hurt.
My friends died from alcoholism/drug abuse complications.
Little George Jr late 20s.
Roy mid 30s
Bob 50
My cuz Mark early 40s
Steve early 30s

Sobriety is a gift that those friends never had.
Be grateful and active in recovery....or else.

Hodd

Although smoking is considered a bigger health risk, judging by insurance premiums or health plan costs for smokers, I reckon drinking is the bigger risk to life. It’s obvious when someone is a smoker, and a lot of health problems become more noticeable over time. With liver problems, though, there are no warnings or symptoms until the damage is irreversible. I always intended to “cut down” one day (I still thought at that stage moderation was possible), but I didn’t do so until my late forties and could so easily have destroyed my liver. It’s a minor miracle and genetics that I was OK. There is an increased liver cancer risk for ex-drinkers, but even that reduces with increased sobriety. The tragedy here is if this lady stopped maybe two or even one year ago, it might’ve been manageable.

DriGuy

I read somewhere that more alcoholics die from smoking related deaths than they do from alcohol. That is not meant to green-light continued drinking. Both are deadly diseases. Like you however, my personal experience would make me question that statistic I just referred to, as almost everyone who died in my AA home group died from alcohol. The first two years in AA, I knew 5 people that committed suicide, and 3 more that started drinking again and drank themselves to death. But AA is not a reliable sample population. It's a special group and heavily skewed with serious drinkers, some who struggle with their problem to the very end.

Dusty's example is indeed very sad. It's wasted life that could have been better. Welcome to alcoholism. I've seen enough of it that I see it as just a part of alcoholism, but it's still sad. Those of us that make it to early recovery, where cravings are rare and more like silly thoughts, can be grateful for unlocking one key to sobriety. Those keys and others are out there and can be found, but we have to look. It's not a matter of luck.

AL48

A very sad story dustyfox, its now i feel we have a little bit more understanding for this poor woman. Of course her daughter didn't deserve this either. I unfortunately have the understanding from living with a parent who abused alcohol but back then it was excepted and i was lucky enough to have a very good mother.
I then became the drinker i wished and thought i wouldn't become but was lucky enough to have that light bulb moment and stop before i did any damage to my family.
Its happens to often and is so common. You hear people blame and scold the person involved but underneath im thinking the opposite as it could have been me.

biminiblue

Thanks, Dusty. My father died at age 41 of (what I believe to be) alcohol related causes. It does affect a child and it is ongoing. The genetics probably didn't help me a whole lot, neither did seeing all the adults in my life drink on most occasions, including every evening and weekend.

I hope your daughter is able to remain friends with the girl, and that you can be a bright light in her life.

Zebra1275

Unfortunately, this is not the first time that I have heard of a story like this.

And with a couple of men I have known of over the years in AA, their end came with gunshot violence.

I am grateful to be sober today

silentrun

It strikes close to home for me. I could have put my daughter through all of that or I could have failed to change course in time for her to avoid making my mistakes. The girl my daughter got caught drinking with the night my denial broke is now 26 and in huge trouble. As Hodd said, when I realized what was happening, I was willing to do ANYTHING to stop it. It felt like it had already happened and I was being transported back in time to the exact point it could have been saved. One do-over. I was told it didn't have to happen that way. No one has to live that life, they don't realize it and it's sad for everyone involved.

Hodd

This has been on my mind today. My ex-wife is 46 and my new partner a few years younger. It’s so young. My life began again around 48/49, and so much is possible at that age. I hope that poor woman can find some peace and time with her daughter in the time she has left because I’m really sure she doesn’t want to go.

dustyfox

What is haunting me about this situation is that I see the woman's daughter, only 13, with no family now, ( her father a heroin user and schizophrenic) slowly unravelling, experimenting with drugs and alcohol and at risk of sexual exploitation. Is it genetic, environmental, luck? This generational alcoholism which consumes and destroys lives. Her daughter has, ever since I have known her, been desperate for a mother, now it feels like she has given up, angry and hurt that her mother chose alcohol over her.

Alcohol seems a more silent killer than smoking, the body apparently coping with the poison until suddenly it isn't any more and the organs just start to fail. It is that false sense of being able to 'handle' drinking that fools so many people into sacrificing their lives. I suspect as days go on to weeks I will hear about this woman and her sad demise. I do not know what state she is currently in.
Thank God for sobriety, and the chance to make amends.

calmself

Feel so sad especially for that kid. She's exactly my daughter's age. Alcohol is a menace to society. I am wondering how she let herself down to that point where she won't be able to survive. Anyways I hope the kid gets all good things in life. I daily tell my kids - even small amounts can cause cancer. Now they are so scared of it and that's good.

biminiblue

Is social services aware of and involved with this girl? Her school counselor? I needed one person, ANY adult person to take an interest in me. (Other than my pedophile seventh grade Science teacher.)

My father left when I was seven. My mother worked full time, partied and dated, and I was an only child with no family within 3000 miles. No one cared.

Enter the kids who were fun in school. By 14 I had a drinking problem and was willing to take any drug offered. By 15 I had left home, stopped going to school, was getting involved in criminal activity and running with a whole lot of bad boys. Why wouldn't I? No one else cared about me. It's classic family-replacement behavior, just like getting into a gang. This was in the sixties, though. No gangs that I knew of, thankfully. I got into enough trouble. My girlfriend/neighbor became a prostitute and died at 19 of some drug related thing.

I hope you can help her in some way, even if it's only to contact her school and tell them what's going on in her life. I can guarantee she isn't telling her teachers or school counselor, and there needs to be adult intervention - now.

dustyfox

bimini - you are an inspiration.
Yes, I have alerted the school, and social services, but they are very slow to react, but they are reacting.
I can see so very clearly why for this girl all the things you outline as family replacements are appealing to her right now, why for any young person who has a deep feeling of isolation and low self-esteem all those things are appealing. It breaks my heart.

calmself

Feel so sorry to read that. You are truly an inspiration, Bimini!