biminiblue

Thanks. I wasn't able to process all that until I was well into my thirties. My mother was one of these, "I do no wrong," type of women - until the day she died. Heck, I'm a lot like her.

She sold the fact that she was god until I smacked her off that pedestal on which I had placed her but that didn't happen until I practically had a breakdown in my thirties. Kids tend to think all bad stuff is their fault, ya know? Like, "If I had been a better kid I'd have had a mother and father who loved me." It's hard even now to admit that the kind of love I needed just wasn't available to me. In their eyes they loved me - or at least gave it lip service.

It's probably not that unusual with addicts/alcoholics/criminals/prostitutes etc. A lot of us are damaged and seeking a way out of our psychic pain...or at least that was my experience.

Not all of it was bad. I pretty much raised myself and got to do some amazing things since I had zero supervision in a very privileged area of south Florida in the seventies. I also (finally) now have a strong sense of self and boundaries - bought and paid for by years of having none!

When I know better I do better.

dustyfox

Your words really hit home to me Bimini on many levels - I have an adopted daughter who pretty much feels as you did, hence why she seeks out chaos in her friendships. One day she may come through it, she certainly has a better chance than her young friend with the dying alcoholic mother, but the sad thing is my daughter does not believe it, doesn't believe she has a chance, deserves a chance, I don't know... You described it so well, with such clarity, that is how she sees herself. But your story, your experience and your ultimate resilience does give me some hope for them.

biminiblue

I couldn't have possibly continued on the trajectory I was on in the 80s, when I was late twenties/early thirties. It was a path to very early death. Drama, alcohol, men, anger, more drama and a little drama on the side. I was married to another damaged person and the two of us together were just destined to implode. All the people in our circle were the same dysfunctional, liquored up, but still functioning type of people. We all had jobs, we had cars, we paid our bills, we were still physically healthy and from outward appearances looked like we had it together BUT my mental health took a steep nosedive and I was ready to check out.

Doctors gave me pills and sent me to counseling. That didn't help. What I needed was to get out of the marriage and completely disconnect from my family of origin. I did that, and the miracle that happened was that I also quit drinking. The light started to shine - I read every self-help book I could find that seemed to apply to me. I found a Christian lay counselor who guided me to completely change my outlook on some big issues. I started to take care of myself. I bought a condo. I did all kinds of things that were FOR me, not against me.

In short, I got it.

It was bad before that though, Dusty. My mother was the last person I would have listened to - and really I had to be left completely alone by well-meaning people who said they "loved" me but who didn't show it by their actions. What they wanted was to control me and that was never gonna work. I had to step off that ledge and let my own wings carry me.

My mother and I did reconnect in time, carefully and with boundaries on both our parts. That was good.

I hope these young women in your life get there sooner rather than later. It seems to be a path a lot of us must take. Lots of people come out of it, have hope and faith.

dustyfox

Yes. You got it. And that really is the only way, isn't it? To get it.

I was not dissimilar as a teenager and really, I am ashamed to say, didn't really GET IT, I mean really, really get it, until nearly 2 years ago when I stopped drinking completely. I was never at death's door, as far as I know, and I was high functioning, but yeah my emotional and mental health was, to say the least, ropey.

I keep hope and faith and try to remember no one can rescue another person, not unless they ask for help. That is hard for me. But I am learning.

biminiblue

Even if they ask for help, it's still up to them, 100%.

Let go and let God.

That may seem sad, but really it's liberating!

Free2bme888

Dusty, prayers for that teenager, and so sorry for her mothers tragic choices.

Our choices, ALL of them, ripple beyond our imagination.

The gift of having that lightbulb, to work hard on our choices, to overcome our addictions, whether it’s nicotine, food, alcohol, porn, whatever………IS amazing.

We worked super hard to get here. And no one will take that away unless we choose.

Big hugs to 13yo girl 🥺🙏🏼♥️

dustyfox

Bimini - I wish I could let go, as I think it will be the only way for me to get through whatever the next few years bring.

Choices are only ours to make, you're right Free. It's hard to watch others make the wrong choice but that is what I need to work on being able to accept.

LazaB

There was a guy who i knew for more than 10 years , he was always sitting outside of a liquor store in my neighborhood , begging for money and spending all of it on alcohol and cigarettes , he was such a good guy , always a smile on his face , every time he saw me we would have a little chat and it was always 100% positive , he would always make my day better , i just found out that he died , 54 years old. I don't know any details but one of my friends saw his obituary in the neighborhood and told me , i actually feel like a good friend died , another sad story with a sad ending.

dustyfox

Yes I get that Laza, it's like he just accepted his life was broken and smiled on through it. It is sad. Bitter sweet.
Why is it that some people can not stop sliding into self-destruction? I know there isn't an answer, but I am so grateful to have grabbed a lifeline and swum back to shore.