dealing with old friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 6
dealing with old friends
I'm new to this forum. Just posted my first thread a few days ago. Received my 2 month coin last week after going into treatment for a few weeks. I've been so proud of myself and so happy with the closer family relationships I have but I have been really upset about a friend who basically has ghosted me since I got sober. This was a friend of over 25 years that was more like family. I tore that relationship apart during Covid lockdown when I went off the deep end with my drinking by saying terrible things during a black out. I apologized several months before rehab and we had been talking again.
Fast forward to me going to rehab. . . I called to tell her I was going. She was super supportive and even sent me a package when I was there and we talked a few times. I called her to let her know I was home the day before Xmas Eve and again, we talked for a long time. On Xmas even, she completely went silent on me for no reason and I haven't heard from her since. I texted her Merry Xmas and tried calling her once and there has been no response since. Zero.
It is really hard to accept and move on from things when you don't even have an explanation. It's even harder to accept that someone that you've known that long would ghost you when you got sober. I did drink ALOT with this friend when I saw her. She lives a few hours away so my daughter and I would drive and stay with her and her family for the weekend often. I never really thought our relationship was based on drinking though. We spent alot of time talking on the phone over the years sober.
Sorry for the long rant. I've tried to not think about this and chalk it up to "it is happening for a reason" but it is very upsetting. Anyone else have friends ghost them with no reason or explanation when they got sober?
Fast forward to me going to rehab. . . I called to tell her I was going. She was super supportive and even sent me a package when I was there and we talked a few times. I called her to let her know I was home the day before Xmas Eve and again, we talked for a long time. On Xmas even, she completely went silent on me for no reason and I haven't heard from her since. I texted her Merry Xmas and tried calling her once and there has been no response since. Zero.
It is really hard to accept and move on from things when you don't even have an explanation. It's even harder to accept that someone that you've known that long would ghost you when you got sober. I did drink ALOT with this friend when I saw her. She lives a few hours away so my daughter and I would drive and stay with her and her family for the weekend often. I never really thought our relationship was based on drinking though. We spent alot of time talking on the phone over the years sober.
Sorry for the long rant. I've tried to not think about this and chalk it up to "it is happening for a reason" but it is very upsetting. Anyone else have friends ghost them with no reason or explanation when they got sober?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,425
Great work on two months!
Justfortoday, just speaking from my personal experience, there could be more going on with your old friend than you know. I mean that there may be some crisis or difficulty that she's trying to deal with and just doesn't feel like socializing.
Also, from personal experience, the last thing you want to do when talking to her is be negative about her not calling you back. If you said things you regret before, you can apologize and try to change that behavior in yourself, which starts with remaining sober. If you are a positive and supportive person towards her, it will be her call as to the friendship.
Justfortoday, just speaking from my personal experience, there could be more going on with your old friend than you know. I mean that there may be some crisis or difficulty that she's trying to deal with and just doesn't feel like socializing.
Also, from personal experience, the last thing you want to do when talking to her is be negative about her not calling you back. If you said things you regret before, you can apologize and try to change that behavior in yourself, which starts with remaining sober. If you are a positive and supportive person towards her, it will be her call as to the friendship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Sometimes the people we think of as close friends are really just drinking friends. I don't know if that's your situation but it may be. One of my closest friends quit drinking years before I did, and we were never really close after. He had to guard his sobriety and if we weren't drinking I guess I didn't feel like "wasting" time hanging out with him. Once I got sober I didn't value spending time with my drinking friends as drunks are annoying when you're sober.
At any rate, congrats on getting sober! Now is the time to be selfish, to jealously guard your newfound sobriety. That is usually the easiest to do when you avoid drinkers.
At any rate, congrats on getting sober! Now is the time to be selfish, to jealously guard your newfound sobriety. That is usually the easiest to do when you avoid drinkers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've been the one to ghost people and I've also been ghosted by long-time friends.
People (and relationships) are complicated. They come and go, some of them come back around and some of them don't. I don't know, I guess it's human nature to wonder what happened but it doesn't really matter. For whatever reason - or for no reason I could understand - people move away or move on. It's sometimes too complicated for even the ghost-er to explain.
People (and relationships) are complicated. They come and go, some of them come back around and some of them don't. I don't know, I guess it's human nature to wonder what happened but it doesn't really matter. For whatever reason - or for no reason I could understand - people move away or move on. It's sometimes too complicated for even the ghost-er to explain.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
I agree with Bimini. I've also had friends stop contacting me and done the same myself. It's much more common than most people realise yet not discussed much. I know it's frustrating and there are so many questions but the only way forward is to accept it and let it go.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Our beloved member, CarolD used to say that not all friendships are meant to last forever. Some come along for months or weeks or even days, maybe just when we need them. People come and go in our lives and sometimes it's the letting go of a friend that allows someone new into our life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Congrats on two months!
As others have said, you can't really control what other people do, and sometimes you have to simply live without explanations. It's tough, but there probably isn't anything you can do at this point. The ball is in her court now. She may reach out again later, or she may be simply concentrating on other things in her life.
As others have said, you can't really control what other people do, and sometimes you have to simply live without explanations. It's tough, but there probably isn't anything you can do at this point. The ball is in her court now. She may reach out again later, or she may be simply concentrating on other things in her life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Great work on 2 months!
People come and people go, hold your sobriety tight and remember it comes first.
Give your friend the space she might want (maybe it has to do with you, maybe it doesn’t) and focus on yourself. If she is meant to stay in your life, she will.
People come and people go, hold your sobriety tight and remember it comes first.
Give your friend the space she might want (maybe it has to do with you, maybe it doesn’t) and focus on yourself. If she is meant to stay in your life, she will.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 109
From what I've read in your post that doesn't sound like a friend it sounds more like a close acquaintance. I wouldn't stress it too much because a real friend would never just stop answering like that.
If they reach out and explain then I may rethink things but if not I'd just move on. As people have already said, people are going to come and go in your life. Your real friends will always be there for especially in times like these.
If they reach out and explain then I may rethink things but if not I'd just move on. As people have already said, people are going to come and go in your life. Your real friends will always be there for especially in times like these.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
